A/N #1: Hallo there! (did you know "hallo" is German? Now you do!) Well, sorry this story took so long to update. It was Cicada's fault. :D Yes. Well, I thought now would be a good time to reply to reviews.
MadamStella Thanks so much for being our first reviewer! You are cool! Do you have any doubts now that the Mary Sue is evil? (grins manically)
Medea12: Please don't panic! Jack might get better.
Medea12: might?
Stephie: (grins evilly and laughs)
Trinity Day: We finally put up more!
Simoriah: Girl of Summer: (hands Simoriah "favorite reviewer of the day" award) Yes, you are our favorite reviewer of the day! Don't you feel special?
Cicada: Speak for yourself! Cicada's my favorite reviewer of the day!
Stephie: You can have the award tomorrow! Let someone else have it for once!
Cicada: (pouts) Ok…
Stephie: Anyways…don't worry about your passion to kill Zerlina. This is a natural reaction. But please don't shoot her! We need her for the next couple of chapters! Then you can shoot her with a bazooka. Muahahahahaha!
KT: Hey Katie! I just thought I should put you in here cause you are cool and my friend! Yeah… We shall write more of Saruman and Sauron soon!
TA Maxwell: Ooh, good advice. (shows TA Maxwell a large collection of Mace cans in closet) I bought some! Now I just have to give it to Zerlina…
Cicada: You're story's good! I likes it! You should feel honored. You are probably the first reviewer I've ever been nice to.
wOLF8: Cicada: (is about to say something)
Stephie: Shut up Cicada! Whatever you are about to say, it is probably stupid and mean! Be nice to the reviewers…Yes, anyway, thanks for reviewing wOLF8, but if you are choking on the sweetness, won't pudding agitate this problem? (hands wOLF8 some beef jerky) There you go. You'll need it for this chappie…
Yes, well, that's all the replies me thinks. Now it's Cicada's turn to write an authors note. P.S. You should prolly just skip her note, cause she'll just call you mean names and say dumb things…
Cicada+Minion: (beat Stephie with large, heavy, and blunt items) Come on readers, this is fun! (readers beat Stephie as well)
Stephie: NO! Stop! Please! I'm the nice one!
Cicada no A/N: Well that was fun! I needed to focus my blind rage. Now I won't insult you as much. By the way Minion, nice beating. You too readers. I'm so proud of you. Since I won't insult you I have one thing to say… ON TO THE FIC! Oh yes, if you can find all of the gloriouses and dooms you shall get an imaginary cookie! Now…ON TO THE FIC!
Chapter 4: The Exterminators Come
Zerlina shut her eyes as Jack's face got even closer to hers. She could feel his breath on her cheek. Anytime she would feel his lips touch her own, and Jack would be his, er, HERS!
A bunch of small but sudden pops distracted the two star-struck lovers. The two jerked to see what had disturbed them but only saw what had been there before. No, wait, there was something there! A black hole was situated in the center of their line of sight and was growing rapidly. Suddenly two dark figures came stumbling out of the hole.
"I am the better hobbit I tell you, Stephie!" cried the first figure.
"What are you talking about? I have the hairy feet!" the second figure, who was apparently Stephie, yelled back.
"But you shave your feet! You told me that the other day! Besides, I am shorter than you anyways. AND I have curly hair."
"You have a FRO, Cicada! NOT hobbit hair!"
"It isn't a fro!" Cicada screeched back. The first person, Cicada, was around 5 foot tall, with fuzzy brown hair adorning her head. She wore a black hoodie and jeans. Stephie, the taller of the two, came up to 5'2''. She had shoulder length brown hair, much less frizzy than Cicada's, however. She was dressed in denim cargos and a t-shirt. Stephie and Cicada, who were still arguing about who was the most hobbity, suddenly spun around to face the gaping and confused Jack and Zerlina.
"Oh, did we interrupt something?" Stephie asked noting Zerlina and Jack wrapped in each others arms. Zerlina blushed modestly and pulled away from Jack.
"No, me and my beau were simply admiring the starlight and the ocean and the sea!" she explained. Cicada suddenly came to a realization. I only know of one person that is that dense! Cicada reached out, grabbed Stephie by the sleeve and pointed to Zerlina.
"It's Skanky! Skanky McHoe-Bag!" she let go of Stephie and pranced up to Zerlina. "It's been such a long time, Skank! Where have you been?" Zerlina, for once, was at a loss for words.
"Um, have I had the pleasure of meeting your acquaintance before, C-Cidao?" she finally said. Cicada then babbled something about Zerlina certainly being her childhood friend Skanky McHoe-Bag. This affirmation was bombarded with Zerlina's unnaturally long explanation of how she certainly couldn't be Skanky McHoe-Bag, whoever that was.
Stephie, who had been surveying the landscape, abruptly noticed Jack. Her eyes grew wide, and she contained herself for a mere 5 seconds before tearing up to Jack.
"Jack? Jack Sparrow?" Jack simply stared off at Zerlina, who was listening to-and interrupting- Cicada's childhood memories of Skanky McHoe-Bag. Stephie took advantage of Jack's trance and promptly ripped off Jack's clothes. Jack woke at this and shouted "Bloody! What are you?" Stephie ignored Jack's protests and continued to rapidly peel off first his jacket, then vest, and lastly, she began working on his linen shirt. Zerlina and Cicada looked over in horror. But, despite everyone looking strangely at her, Stephie continued her odd behavior. She pushed Jack's flailing hands away and proceeded to nearly rend Jack's shirt in half, and then pulled it back to reveal Jack's tan chest.
"I found it!" Stephie exclaimed. Cicada blanched and averted her eyes; Zerlina just stared.
"Bloody worse than Scarlet…" Jack mumbled. He glanced up, and caught Zerlina's reprimanding gaze. "Scarlet being my mother, of course." He yanked his clothes out of Stephie's hands and put them back on, glancing sheepishly toward Zerlina. Elated from her "find", Stephie skipped over to Cicada.
"I FOUND it!" she breathed, getting in Cicada's face.
"I'm afraid to ask what you are referring to…" Cicada trailed off, looking slightly disturbed due to Stephie's abnormal activities.
"The tattoo. THE TATTOO!" Stephie gestured madly towards Jack. "He has the tattoo."
"What tattoo?" Cicada said angrily.
"THE tattoo! The tattoo of Captain Jack Sparrow! He has on the left side of his chest! Just like the movie! He must be the real Jack! He must be!"
"Cripes Stephie, you didn't have to tear his shirt off for that! You could've just looked for the tattoo on his arm!" Jack looked up from his spot on the ground with a curious yet disturbed look on his face at the mention of his tattoos; tattoos that neither of these children should have seen before. And the fact that one of them had ripped off his shirt was also quite unnerving.
"How do they know of my tattoos?" he said, half to himself, and half to Zerlina, who had by now wormed her way back over to Jack.
"I do not know the answer to you query, oh love of my life." She edged closer to him as she spoke, and wrapped her arm around his waist. He looked down confusedly at Zerlina, who seemed to be trying to spout poetry, to no avail. After all these strange happenings, he was in no mood for romance. With much more useless arm movement than was necessary, Jack began to pluck Zerlina's arm off of his waist, but stopped. Her cerulean eyes. Her flaxen hair. Her full, ruby red lips. Her perfect figure. It was happening again! He was entranced. He stopped plucking, and instead pulled Zerlina closer to himself. Zerlina looked up into his dazed stare. I may still have him, she thought triumphantly. She caressed his cheek with her hand and played with the beads dangling from his hair. Jack turned his eyes down to look at her. She is so stunning…he thought. But… Zerlina could feel Jack's hesitation. She looked to see the cause of his distraction, and found the two teenagers bickering.
"I'm telling you, you didn't have to rip off his shirt! You alarmed quite a few people, including me!" Cicada was yelling at Stephie.
"I did too! If I hadn't checked and made sure he had the tattoo, we still wouldn't know if he was the real Jack Sparrow!" Stephie retorted.
"Of course we'd know! I told you my machine would send us to a fictional world."
"You were trying to get us to Middle Earth, you idiot! Your machine OBVIOUSLY doesn't work! So, if the piece of crap doesn't work, how could we know that it was the real Jack Sparrow? We couldn't! That's why I had to check!"
"But you still didn't have to rip his shirt off!"
"Yeah huh! I had to or else--"
Zerlina abruptly stood up, Jack's arm--which had been around her waist--nearly ripping off in the process. She stalked over to the two arguing girls and raised her hand. Right at that moment Stephie saw something on the ground and stooped to pick it up. Meanwhile, Cicada was backhanded roughly by Zerlina.
"SHUT UP! YOU TALK TOO LONG! YOU ARE RUINING THE ROMANTIC ATMOSPHERE!" Zerlina seemed to have grown 5 feet and sprouted horns. Cicada was dazed by the cuff, and fell over next to Stephie, who had found a shilling.
"Look, Cicada, I found a coin! Oh, that looks nasty!" she said, noticing the red mark on Cicada's face where Zerlina's hand had connected with Cicada's flesh. Zerlina's burning fury, as suddenly as it had flared up, was extinguished.
"I am terribly sorry, sir! I assure you I…I did not mean to commit such a vile deed!" Cicada was too dazed to realize that Zerlina had just called her a man.
"That was a great hit! Can you do it to her again?" Stephie asked Zerlina, looking up hopefully.
"By all means, no! I shall ne'er inflict such pain upon my fellow man a second time!" Zerlina cried. She dropped to her knees in front of Cicada. "Please, Cidao, will you forgive me?"
"Stephie…the pills…" Cicada croaked. Stephie hastily dug through her pockets, and produced a bottle of Tylenol.
"With pleasure!" Stephie thrust the bottle into in Cicada's trembling hands (glorious!). Cicada speedily downed 15 or 16 pills, and handed the bottle back to Stephie.
"Anyone else need Tylenol?" Stephie looked to Zerlina and Jack, who shook their heads. "Alright." She stuffed the pills back into her pocket from whence it came.
Meanwhile, at the Swann Mansion…
Governor Swann walked into the room where Will and Elizabeth sat, still bent over wishing for Mary Sue exterminators. They had been doing this for several hours now.
"So, this is the path you've chosen? After all…he is a blacksmith," the Governor mumbled. Elizabeth looked up.
"What are you talking about, Father?" Elizabeth questioned. Will just shrugged. He was getting used to these unusual outbursts. Strange how they never happened before Zerlina came…he thought.
Governor Swann looked perplexed, as if he couldn't find the right words to say. Finally, he burst out, "There, see, at least the boy has a sense of propriety. Now, we really must be going. Farewell." But he made no actions to signify he was going anywhere. Elizabeth looked up blankly, trying to make sense of this. Governor Swann moved his lips, but nothing came out. He finally let out an exasperated sigh.
"What is it, Father!" Elizabeth asked again, alarmed. The Governor gestured over and over, pointing outside. Elizabeth let out a frustrated growl. "Just spit it out, Father!" Governor Swann gestured some more, but seeing neither Elizabeth nor Will were understanding, grabbed Elizabeth's hand and dragged her up from the sturdy, birch chair she had been sitting on and pulled her into Zerlina's room of doom. He then let go of Elizabeth's hand and pointed to a clock in the corner. Elizabeth blinked, trying to figure out what he meant. Will, who had followed them along, pondered the Governor's actions for a moment, then suddenly realized what Governor Swann meant.
"It's 11 o' clock!" he exclaimed. Elizabeth turned to him.
"So?"
"It's 11, and Zerlina hasn't gotten back from her outing with Jack."
"That's not necessarily a bad thing…" Elizabeth said under her breath. But Governor Swann seemed to think it was, for he handed Elizabeth a lantern and ushered her and Will to the door.
"Elizabeth I want you to accompany the boy. He'll be in your charge. Take care of him."
"Um…" Elizabeth started. Will cut her off stating, "I think he means for us to look for Zerlina, dear."
"Oh." And with that, Elizabeth and Will started off in search of Zerlina and Jack.
Cicada was unnaturally energetic due to her massive overdose of Tylenol. She kept hitting herself to see if it would hurt. When she found it didn't, she kept hitting herself for fun. Stephie sat by, laughing, then turning to check on Jack, then laughed at her stupid friend again. Jack was knee-high in the ocean water, having broken out of Zerlina's entrancement for a rare moment. He stared out into the sea, wondering why he was with these insane cretins. He just wanted to go back to the Pearl
Zerlina sat combing her hair, which was a completely useless activity, for her hair never tangled anyway. She had tried for a time to get Jack to kiss her, but that had failed, and Jack wandered from her and into the ocean, attempting to see any clue of where the Black Pearl had gone. It of course, was still waiting for him a mile away, at the dock. But, in his delusion caused by Zerlina, Jack could not remember what had happened to him before he had met her. It was really quite aggravating. Stephie had laughed at Zerlina's futile attempts to get Jack into a romantic mood, calling her a "bimbo, and a tart, and totally unsuitable for Jack! Just look at your badly bleached hair! And your unpronounceably blue eyes--you have contacts, don't you?" Zerlina did not know what most of this meant, but when Stephie insulted her figure, Zerlina had walked away quietly and sat down and wept, hoping to draw Jack's attention. When this failed, she decided to brush her hair. That brings us to the present. Cicada stopped pounding herself and declared herself goddess of the hobbits. Stephie was somewhat frightened, and pulled out the bottle of Tylenol and read the fine print on the back. "Do not use more than 4 tablets in 24 hours." Hmmm…maybe I should watch her more carefully when she takes my Tylenol… Cicada took a palm branch and attempted to weave it into her hair, believing it was a crown. Stephie was getting bored with her friend's antics by now, and so she stood and walked over to Zerlina.
"You said we ruined the romantic atmosphere, Zerbeena. Now, can you tell me who you were being romantic with?" Stephie questioned. Zerlina did not answer, but instead turned away. "It certainly wasn't Jack, right? Of course not. He wouldn't be stupid enough to go out with YOU." Stephie paused, waiting for Zerlina to answer. When Zerlina remained silent, Stephie pressed on. "Or maybe you were being romantic with him?" she pondered this for a second, then burst out into taunting laughter. "You and Jack…together…" she laughed again, then stopped abruptly when she noticed Zerlina not making a retaliation. She sighed. This is no fun. She was about to hurl another insulting remark at Zerlina, when she noticed Will and Elizabeth walking up. Zerlina noticed, too, and she bounded up, glad for an excuse to get away from Stephie, and greeted her cousin in her typical fashion.
"Oh, fair coz! May I inquire as to why you have traversed this great distance and come to us?" Elizabeth looked at Zerlina questioningly, the looked behind her back where the Swann Mansion stood, barely 15 yards away.
"We're only a little way from the house. What are you talking about, 'great distance'?" Elizabeth found it hard to keep the scorn out of her voice as she spoke to her cousin. Will grabbed her shoulder and squeezed it, an unvoiced reminder to be kind to her aggravating cousin, even if she was a Mary Sue. Elizabeth then noticed with surprise, that there were two others with Zerlina and that Jack was gone. Wait, no, he was out wading in the sea. But who were the other two?
"Um, Zerlina, who are these…" she noticed one girl chanting something and the other playing with Jack's pistol, which he had left when he had walked out in the water. "…people," she ended lamely, not able to think of any suitable word for them.
Zerlina, excited to be asked a question, gestured to the girl who had been chanting not a minute before. "This is Sir-" Cicada stopped her chanting and walked over to Elizabeth.
"Miss-" Cicada interrupted. Zerlina interrupted Cicada's interruption.
"Cidao." Cicada then interrupted the interruption of her interruption.
"Cicada. It's MISS CICADA," she stated, then pointed at Stephie. "And that's Stephie." Elizabeth glanced over at Stephie, who had gotten her finger stuck in some part of the pistol and was shaking both her hand and the gun on it violently.
"Cicada and Stephie?" Elizabeth looked to Will. "Cicada and Stephie! The exterminators!" she grabbed Will into a hug, then danced around, elated by the fact that her cousin might soon be GONE. After she had stopped dancing, Elizabeth hugged Cicada. Cicada, caught up in the excitement, hugged back, though she didn't quite understand what was going on. Elizabeth then rushed to hug Stephie, who accepted the kind gesture, but not without a surprised jump and a flicker of fear passing through her eyes. Elizabeth let go and introduced herself.
"I am Elizabeth Swann. I can see that you two are new to the area. Do you have a place to stay?"
"Uh, no," Stephie answered.
"Then please come and stay at my house." Elizabeth offered.
"OK! We would love to!" Cicada exclaimed joyously, but Stephie quickly pulled her aside.
"We can't impose on Will and Elizabeth! We hardly know them, except from the movie!" Stephie whispered to Cicada.
"But we don't have money besides your ONE shilling AND we don't have any food! Well, we do, but it's the stuff I cooked…" Cicada reasoned. The two girls both grimaced as they thought of the blackened and malformed food that Cicada had attempted to prepare.
"You're right! Let's stay with them and eat THEIR food!" Stephie agreed, and they walked back to the waiting Elizabeth.
"We have decided to accept your offer of kindness and glory." Stephie informed Elizabeth.
"Good. Let's go then--It's late." Elizabeth grabbed Will's hand and started back to the Swann Mansion, with Zerlina, Cicada, and Stephie in tow. Elizabeth looked back over her shoulder and yelled, "Goodnight, Jack!" Stephie, suddenly remembering the pirate standing in the water, nearly stopped walking and went back to him, but Cicada grasped the collar of her shirt and forcibly pulled her along.
Cicada: Just as a note I want to say that I am not really like that. As for Stephie, well…
Stephie: Hey! I'm not THAT obsessive over Jack in REAL life!
Cicada: Oh yes. I'm sorry. You reserve that level of obsessiveness for Aragorn.
Stephie: You shut up!
Cicada: (sticks out tongue)
Stephie: I'm not that rabid of a fangirl…(looks to replica of Andúril sitting up against her desk, life-size pictures of Aragorn hanging from the walls, and hears occasional screams from the Dunadan, who has been locked in her closet since she had last updated The Unheard Story of Saruman and Sauron). Really, I'm not an obsessive fangirl!
