A/N #1: Ya hello! Aren't you excited? We updated! And it's a really long, really random chapter, just for you! Yeah…Oh yes, I just want to say right away that I do not believe in Jack/Anamaria relationships. It could not happen! I'm telling you, it just wouldn't work. Jack does not want commitment! What idiot thought that he does? Arg! Jack just likes to take advantage of girls, not promise them a future and marriage and commitment and whatnut. Yeah. So, whenever this story mentions me harming or killing Anamaria, it is just cause I find her to be slightly threatening. And I only find her slightly threatening because I have read too many Jack/Anamaria stories! They inspire fear in my heart…So yes. You now know that I am totally against Jack/Anamaria stories, and any other Jack pairings. (yes, I know Jack is hooked up with Zerlina in this story! But know that I am simply making fun of you who write Jack pairings! You are all…You're all…eh, nevermind) Yes. Please enjoy and R&R!

Simoriah: Girl of Summer: Oh yes, before I let Cicada talk, I have to say hi to you. Hi! Good girl, waiting to kill Zerlina. It is hard, I know. I have visions of Zerlina and horrible farm machinery mutilation…and…death. WAHAHAHA! Anyways, thanks lots for reviewing every chapter! We love you! (well, I'm not sure if Cicada is capable of love but…) Right. I would give you the "Favorite Reviewer of the Day" award, but Cicada took it again. Sorry bout that… (Cicada grins)

A/N B: It's Cicada here! Wow, Stephie, I think you managed to alienate more readers in that one author's note than I have in the entire story! My great influence must be rubbing off on you. No need to thank me! Also, Minion will not be appearing in this A/N due to a freak accident with a burlap sack, bricks, a bridge, and a river. I love writing this story, especially the Zerlina scenes. (is lying through teeth) It is such an honor to be writing to amuse you hardworking members of society. (is lying again) I love you ALL! I love EVERYONE! (still lying) So please review. (eyes turn red) NOW! And all flames will be returned to their owners with a special surprise (horrible burning death). (grins evilly) So now ON TO THE—

Minion: (is dripping wet and carrying burlap sack with bricks in it) Hello Cicada. Did you think you had gotten rid of me? (wields flamethrower) Try and get rid of me NOW! (chases Cicada with flamethrower)

Cicada: (running away) …FIICCCCC! (voice fading into the distance) OUCH! THE BURNING! PAIN!

Chapter 6: Death and Certain Dismemberment

An hour after the incident at breakfast, Elizabeth found Cicada and Stephie carrying a bucket of whitewash around the mansion while pointing at random rooms and whispering. They hadn't noticed Elizabeth yet and seemed to be arguing - again.

"May I have a word with you two?" she inquired, alerting the two pranksters of her presence. The two jumped and Cicada tried to hide the hefty bucket behind her back.

"I don't know what you're talking about! We don't have a bucket!" Cicada blurted out nervously, a guilty expression locked on her face. Stephie elbowed her in the gut, causing some whitewash to splatter on the floor.

"Shut up Cicada!" Stephie whispered fiercely. "I don't think she saw the bucket!" Elizabeth raised an eyebrow but decided not to confront the pair on why they would carry a bucket of whitewash around. She instead said, "Come with me," and ushered the half wits into her and Will's makeshift study (but not until Cicada "stealthily" hid the whitewash behind a potted fern where the bucket stuck out like a sore thumb). Will was already in the room waiting for his wife to return with the exterminators. He sat upon one of the sturdy, birch chairs, leaning comfortably on the walnut desk. Elizabeth maneuvered the two girls onto two similar birch chairs.

"Um…" Stephie said, looking around. "Are we in trouble? The whitewash was Cicada's idea! We were bringing it to the maid! Really it's her fault!"

"What!" Cicada interrupted, "it was YOUR idea! Blame her!" she pointed at Stephie accusingly. Stephie snarled at her friend, and both girls leapt from their seats and circled each other, each frantically looking for anything that they could use as weapons. Will's eyes widened as he watched Stephie grab from two display hooks the sword he had finished making that very morning. He was even more dismayed as Cicada picked up his favorite stool, and the two girls began to wail on each other. Will panicked, afraid for his possessions. In an amazing display of bravery, he jumped from his chair and tackled Stephie and wrenched the sword out of her hands. Cicada stood by laughing, still wielding Will's stool. From his position on the floor Will managed to kick Cicada's feet out from under her, and when she fell the stool tumbled from her grasp. Will began to rise, holding the rescued stool and sword, confident that he had the situation under control. To his chagrin, however, the girls looked at each other conspiratorially and yelled in unison, "FOR THE SHIRE!" and then they pounced on Will. It was quite possible for Will to have died at the hands of the two girls (well maybe not that possible) that day had it not been for the intervention of Elizabeth.+

"THIS IS NOT ABOUT THE BUCKET!" Elizabeth yelled over the din. "Or about the Shire or whatever else you fools are ranting about!" she added. The threesomes on the floor were alarmed at Elizabeth's outburst, and the riot subsided. Silence descended over the room. Will crawled back to his chair and the girls sat again as if nothing had happened.

"Oh. Alright," Cicada said cheerily, "what IS this about then?" Elizabeth held her head in her hands for a moment, a headache making itself known. She sighed, then looked up and spoke.

"This is about Zerlina." Stephie scowled at the name and Cicada continued to look unnaturally cheery. "She is a Mary Sue. I want you to exterminate her."

"I have heard of these beings! Numerous in quantity, sinister in nature!" Cicada cried. Then a puzzled look crossed her face. "Whadda ya mean, 'exterminate her'?" she asked.

"Are you not Mary Sue exterminators?" Elizabeth asked. Stephie quickly clapped a hand over Cicada's mouth.

"Of course we are! My colleague here just means erm, uh, how do you want us to exterminate her?" she said hurriedly, hoping she had covered up Cicada's fumble.

"Oh, I leave that up to your discretion." Elizabeth smiled wickedly. "I just ask that you do it quickly." And painfully, she added mentally. She rose from her seat. "Well, Will and I have a meeting with an estate agent we need to get to. Thank you for your help." She and Will left the room, leaving the two girls to think. As soon as she could no longer hear the couple's footsteps, Cicada's burst out, "Stephie, you do realize that we are NOT MARY SUE EXTERMINATORS, RIGHT?" She yelled the last part of the sentence out of nervousness and confusion.

"Of course we aren't. But they think we are," Stephie reasoned. "How long do you think they'd keep us around if they found out we aren't really who they think we are?" Cicada tried to digest this new reasoning. "Plus," Stephie added, "how long would our food last if they put us out on the streets? Or how long would we last with the food," she continued thoughtfully. Both girls cringed.

"Yeah. I guess your right. Come to think of it, the jam did escape last night and nearly set the kitchen on fire." Cicada cringed again at the memory.

"How could you tell it was the jam?" Stephie asked, wondering how Cicada could tell the difference between her many mutated and verminous foods.

"He apologized afterwards," Cicada stated. Stephie quickly made a mental note to never go near Cicada's jam again. "He's the most polite of the bunch." Stephie nodded mutely. "He hates Zerlina, too," Cicada continued. "That's why he was down in the kitchen. He saw her leave the house and wanted to catch her on her way back in."

"Why did he want to catch her?" Stephie questioned, getting truly frightened.

"To eat her, of course!" Cicada replied, as if that was absolutely normal (then again, with Cicada's food, that is absolutely normal).

"What time did this happen?" Stephie implored.

"About 1:00, 1:30 maybe. The jam said Zerlina had a big bulgy sack with her, too."

"Oh, OK. I was asleep then. You know, I had another dream about Aragorn last night, it was horrible, he and Arwen were making out like in the movie -- it was sick -- and then..." Cicada instantly blocked out Stephie's retelling of her dream. Cicada had heard one too many of these dreams, which usually involved either Aragorn or Jack, sometimes both. In them Stephie would follow her crushes' every step, perhaps chase Arwen with a syringe full of poison, or kill Anamaria if Stephie felt threatened by her presence (threatened means Anamaria was simply present in the dream). Cicada's mind wandered instead to the bucket of whitewash, still sitting behind the fern in the hall…


The jam crept along the wall, staying hidden in the shadows. His gelatinous eyes followed a blonde figure who was also trying to avoid being seen. The figure adjusted the bulky bag hanging over her shoulder. The figure smelled strongly of apples, along with a scent that can only be defined as every species of flower mixed together. The scent nearly knocked the poor jam unconscious. The figure slipped out the back door, silent as a weasel, but then she tripped over a rock just outside the door. The figure fell unceremoniously to the ground and apples tumbled from the bag. Zerlina's voice ripped through the silence and a stream of curses poured from her ruby red lips. The jam…stood (can jam stand?) aghast and amazed. He hadn't known that word could be used like THAT! Not to mention the astounding fact that the foul word had come from Zerlina, of all people! Just one more reason for the jam to eat her. He started to move toward her prone figure when, out of nowhere, a scary man appeared. The jam retreated once again into the dark of the night, listening intently to the strange conversation between Zerlina and the scary man.

"You dropped the apples!" the scary man (who the jam had begun to mentally call "Scary") shouted in dismay. Zerlina rushed to pick up the fallen apples, all the while mumbling forced apologies. When the apples had all been picked up, Zerlina rose and handed the bag to Scary. Scary took the bag and cradled it lovingly. He then reached into it and pulled out an apple and took a large bite of it.

"Thank 'e. Now, how is the plan getting' along?" Scary asked.

"It was going good," Zerlina began, "until these two FOOLS appeared!" she complained, disgust evident in her voice. "I nearly had Jack when THEY came and ruined it!"

"Stop whining!" Scary growled. "We still have time. THEY haven't caught up to us yet." Zerlina nodded, but with a frustrated air. "I have to get back to the ship. Can't have another mutiny." Scary seemed to chuckle as if challenging fate. He nodded towards Zerlina and began to say something, when a bloodcurdling scream rang out (it was Stephie's scream actually -- she had just gotten to the part in her dream where she caught Aragorn and Arwen snogging), and Scary's words were lost to the jam. Zerlina and Scary glanced up, but did not seem too alarmed by the scream and Scary proceeded to pull something from his pocket. It flashed metallically in the moonlight as he slipped it upon his finger. Suddenly Zerlina and the jam were alone. Zerlina paused for a moment then began to walk off the Swann property.

"I need a drink," she mumbled as she disappeared into the darkness. The jam, just now recovering from the shock, decided he would wait in the kitchen of the Manor for Zerlina to return. Then he would eat her. He made his way back inside and hid inside the kitchen, waiting.


3 hours later…

The jam had not moved since he had first sat (can jam sit?) down in the kitchen. At 4:17 he finally decided to give up his prey and go to bed. He was tired, the maids would be getting up soon, and his extremely corrosive goo was beginning to eat through the floor. The jam began to crawl back to Cicada and Stephie's room to sleep. However, as the jam glanced back into the kitchen just to make sure Zerlina hadn't come back, he noticed that his goo was more corrosive than he had first thought. A dollop of his prune-goo had started a small section of wooden floor on fire. Had Cicada not come down to the kitchen to forage, the entire mansion might have started ablaze. As it was, Cicada, in her half-awake stupor, noticed the growing fire and put it out will a conveniently located blueberry pie. She then turned her eyes on the guilty-looking jam. The jam quickly whimpered out some apologetic gurgles, and then ran and jumped(can jam jump?) into Cicada's backpack, where he hid for the rest of the night. Cicada grunted. I should probably punish him…oh well. She sluggishly searched for an apple. When none were to be found (dirty Zerlina!), she gave up and went back to bed.


It was mid afternoon and Zerlina was sitting in front of her vanity, brushing her long golden tresses with a silver comb. Her meaningless activity was interrupted by a voice coming from the balcony conveniently located outside her bedroom.

"Shall I compare thee to a summer's day? Thou art more temperate and more fair," the voice called. Zerlina, recognizing the voice, ran out onto the balcony and looked at the man below.

"But soft! What light through yonder window breaks! It is the east and Zerlina is the sun!" he continued.

"My ears have not yet drunk a hundred words of that tongue's utterance, yet I know the sound: Art thou not Jack and a pirate?" she said in reply.

"Call me but love, and I'll be new baptized; henceforth I never will be Jack," he cried. "Come and join me, fair Zerlina! I have just snuck away from my crew just to be with thee! Come away with me, my love." Zerlina hesitated for but a moment, but her wild heart told her that now was the opportune moment! She leapt from the balcony, her skirts fluttering as she fell, and she landed in Jack's arms. The two ran off gaily. Elizabeth, who had been watching the lover's entire discourse, smiled and deemed it safe to venture out of her room.


Subchapter: Date of Doom 2 (what the heck is a subchapter?)

Zerlina's voice carried on the wind like the song of a thousand…vultures. Jack was enraptured. The townsfolk were enraged. Many clapped their hands over their ears and ran from the direction of the screeching. Some threw rotten fruit and vegetables. One old woman confronted the blissful couple.

"Your singing is A-TRO-CIOUS!" she screamed. Zerlina stopped mid-stanza and her lovely blue eyes began to tear up.

"You dare question my love's honor?" Jack roared. He unsheathed his sword. "Have at you, you knave!" The old woman brandished her cane. The two combatants flew at each other, and a fierce battle began. Jack parried, thrust, blocked, jabbed, and he tripped a little bit, too. The woman swung her cane wildly, seeming to move faster than lightning. The two locked weapons and glared at each other. The old woman pushed Jack back with the strength of five heads of oxen; her victory seemed very near. Suddenly the old woman suffered a heart attack. She fell to the cold, dusty ground. With her dying breath she uttered: "Kids these days. No respect…for…the elderly…" And so Jack won the battle for Zerlina's honor. Zerlina rushed into Jack's arms and embraced him.

"Oh Jack! You are so brave." He grinned roguishly and they both leaned for a kiss, when Jack pulled back and sneezed. The contents of his nose were sent directly into Zerlina's face. Zerlina gasped with surprise and quickly pulled out a lacy handkerchief and wiped at her face furiously. The two were further prevented from the kissing by the cruel laughter of a small boy. Zerlina, after she had gotten all of the mucus off of her face (except for one big booger that resided on the middle of her forehead), turned and stared uncomprehendingly at the boy.

"By all means, what are you laughing at, fair child?" she questioned.

"He isn't brave at all! The old woman was 89 years old! And she nearly won! He's just a pathetic loser!" he jeered, and burst into hysterical laughter once again. A second child, a girl this time, suddenly appeared on the scene. She approached the quickly-cooling corpse of the old woman. She stared at the body for a few moments. The she also started to laugh, but for different reasons than the boy.

"Wahahahahaha! That old lady was my nanny! I always hated her…" She continued to laugh, pointing at the body and dancing around (glorious!). Jack, by now, was angry and deeply disturbed.

"Come, my dear," Jack said. "Where would you like to go, my love? Away from here," he added, glancing distastefully at the two children. Zerlina thought for a moment, and then replied, "My lord, if it seems good in your fair eyes…well, you see, my beautiful, graceful pink dress that you kindly bought for me," she shifted uncomfortably. "It…I spilled a glass of milk on it and well…" Jack smiled and took her hand.

"Then it is to the dress shop we go, to purchase you an even more splendid dress!"

The pair exited the dress shop with a large bag. Jack carried his nearly empty money bag sullenly. Zerlina's face nearly exploded with joy (if only…). Though she was deeply happy and grateful, she nearly swooned with weariness.

"Jack, wouldst thou escort me to mine own coz's home? I grow weary," she pleaded.

"Of course, love!" he said without hesitation, his concern for his lack of money promptly forgotten at the sound of Zerlina's voice. The two made their way to the Swann Manor. As the reached the front doorstep, they paused and clasped hands.

"I had a most wonderful time with thee, fair Jack Sparrow," Zerlina said.

"I did too." The two both moved towards each other, their eyes fluttering shut. Suddenly, the oak doors were flung open.

"COME ON STEPHIE!" Cicada hollered back into the house. "WE'RE GONNA BE—" She stopped when she saw the two adult-types standing on the stoop.

"S-Sir Cidao!" Zerlina cried with surprise. Cicada gritted her teeth at being called the wrong name and brandished her ultimate weapon – The Glare of Certain Death and Dismemberment. Even though the glower came from such a small person, Zerlina could not help but quail under the evil glare and she nearly wet herself. Stephie came rushing to the door, worrying about the sudden silence coming from Cicada. It usually meant someone was going to die soon.

"Whazza madda, Cicada? I was just putting the jam back into his—"Stephie saw the two on the doorstep and stopped abruptly. Her facial expression transformed from pleasant curiosity to horrible flaming anger. Her cry of rage was heard across the island.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" She raced forward and shoved Zerlina away from Jack, causing Zerlina to fall into the bushes alongside the house. The threat now vanquished, Stephie turned to the hapless pirate. "JACK!" she cried happily. The pirate cringed. "This is so cool! You're the real Jack! Wait a sec…are you? Or did the real one get away last night?" She lifted an eyebrow, scrutinizing him. Well, guess there's only one way to know for sure, she thought.She lunged for Jack, wanting to make sure the tattoo was still there.

"Bloody—" Jack started, but was unable to finish the sentence as Stephie tackled him. "Get off me!" he screeched, fighting against the freakish girl. He finally managed to kick her in the face. Free from her grasp, he leaped up and ran like the devil was chasing him, screaming and flailing his arms. Stephie quickly recovered from her blow to the head and charged after him.


Cicada and Elizabeth (who had come out to view the bush-entangled Zerlina) came to collect Stephie about half an hour later. Jack had taken refuge on the Pearl. Gibbs had kicked away the gangplank after Jack scrambled onto the ship, and was now leaned over the rail of the ship, beating Stephie over the head with an oar, keeping her from climbing up the hull to reach Jack. The rest of the crew was laughing their butts off.

"Stephie, come on!" Cicada pleaded, yanking at her friend's hair. "You have to leave Jack alone, you freak!" She and Elizabeth tried for quite a while to pull Stephie away, but to no avail. They then tried to bind the stalker, but Stephie somehow managed to struggle her way out of the ropes before they could tie the knot. Gibbs continued beating on the girl with the paddle, hoping to knock her unconscious. But all of their efforts were in vain. Stephie was going to get to Jack somehow, no matter who got in her way. After trying six different tactics to get Stephie away to no end, Cicada had an idea. She dropped the huge crab and rope she had been holding, and dashed off to the Swann mansion. She soon returned, carrying a rolled up piece of paper.

"Hey Stephie! Look at this!" she unfurled the poster. Stephie turned.

"Aragorn!" she yelled happily. Elizabeth and Cicada were then able to lure Stephie away from Jack with the life-size picture of Aragorn.


Later that night…

Governor Swann was walking down the hall. It had been a trying day. He started to open his bedroom door, ready to just lie down and drift into oblivion when he heard a strange noise. He looked up to see a large bucket of whitewash, which had been perched on his slightly ajar door. It was no longer perching. It flew down and the whitewashic contents poured out upon the Governor, completely drenching him. Cicada, from behind the potted fern unwisely let out a sheepish "Oops…" The Governor spun around, and quickly spotted Stephie and Cicada, who were "hiding".

"You DUNCE, CICADA! YOU HAD US PUT THE BUCKET ABOVE THE WRONG DOOR!" Stephie yelled accusingly. The livid governor sputtered as the whitewash dripped down his face.

"Shoot him!" he bellowed. The girls realized they had been seen and jumped out from behind the potted fern, their not-so-faithful hiding place. "Hang him!" The two camouflage-clad girls ran for their lives.

"Cicada you idiot, you told me you were sure that was Zerlina's room! When I catch you I'm gonna…" Stephie shrieked as she ran.

"Mercy! Have mercy!" Cicada cried.


+ (It should be noted that in an alternate universe Will DID die at this point, due to a freak chicken bone accident)

Cicada (burnt to a crisp) Well, that was exciting, no? No! I finally got Minion under control.

Minion (tied and gagged in a tiny room in the Antarctic)

Cicada Just in time for the ending author's note. So here it is. Take it away, Stephie.

Stephie Hey cool! I get to take something away from you! You usually make me give you stuff. But now I get it! Haha! So, I get to talk now?

Cicada (sarcastically) No, Stephie, you don't.

Stephie Too late! I already took it! And I won't let you talk anymore, either!

Cicada (shrugs and doesn't care)

Stephie Well, I can't think of anything to say. Goodbye.

Cicada You're pathetic, you know that right?

Stephie I said goodbye! That means I'm not gonna talk! That also means I'm not gonna answer you! Wait a minute…I'm talking, aren't I? (sigh) Oh well. Goodbye!

Cicada That means you leave. NOW! (glares glare of Certain Death and Dismemberment)