Author note the first (for a change): Cicada: Well, we're back. I'd say I'm excited but… I'm not. I hate you all.

A/N #2: Stephie (the winner person): Uh… I apologize for my cousin. She has a lot of… anger issues. Don't take her seriously. Anyways, aren't you glad we updated?

Cicada: Were all those question marks really necessary?

Stephie: Leave me 'lone. Now, aren't you gla—I think I said that already. So… I can't… think…What's it that Cicada always says? Oh, yeah – um, On To The Fictional Story!

Cicada: (shakes head in shame) Good gravy, you suck at that. Don't do it ever again. (red eye glowyness) EVER. TO THE FIC!

Stephie: Wait! Cicada! It's been so long since we've updated, we should really give the faithful reader(s) a recap of the story. Don't you think? I thought so. So, dear reader(s) (note that I say "dear" nicely, unlike Cicada , who always says it with this mean, sarcastic tone of voice), we give you…

:&:&:&:&: A quick recap:&:&:&:&:

Chapter 1: Zerlina the Mary Sue introduced. Jack falls under her diabolical Mary Sue spell.

Chapter 2: Zerlina goes to Swann Manor, is annoying (could you really expect anything more from a Sue?).

Chapter 3: Zerlina and Jack go on Date of Doom. Elizabeth and Will find out Zerlina is a Mary Sue. Both wish exterminators would come. Zerlina almost kisses Jack.

Chapter 4: Stephie and Cicada enter, effectively ruining Jack and Zerlina's date. Stephie rips off Jack's shirt (Stephie: Without sexual intent – aren't you all proud of me! Cicada: Shut up, fool.). Elizabeth invites Stephie and Cicada to stay at the Swann Manor, thinking they are Mary Sue exterminators.

Chapter 5: Breakfast with Zerlina. Plotless.

Chapter 6: Elizabeth tells Stephie and Cicada that Zerlina is a Mary Sue, and asks them to exterminate her. They agree. Date of Doom 2 – Jack battles an old woman over Zerlina's honor. Stephie chases Jack. Governor Swann whitewashed.

Chapter 7: La Rubia Diabla , a ship of Hispanics (and one Cretin) is shipwrecked. Stephie and Cicada have a mudball fight; discover Fellowship of the Ring, and decide to invite them to stay at the Swann Manor. Cicada starts to skip toward the Manor, while holding Boromir's and Aragorn's arms. (note the bold type)

Stephie: Wow, wasn't that an informative recap? Yeah, I thought so.

Chapter 8: The Curse Lifts

Stephie felt a spectrum of emotions tear through her brain. Love. Despair. Anguish. Sorrow. Jealousy. Ever the jealousy. White hot flashes of it stabbed through her mind, scouring it of all else. It burned in her mind, in her heart, in her soul. The white flashes burned brilliantly, becoming so that Stephie could almost see them, almost touch them, as they blinded her, as they consumed her. Suddenly, after the white had threatened to take over her sight permanently, a small black hole formed in the white. It slowly grew, and as it grew, Stephie began to discern the familiar shapes and figures once more, and then – the object of her all-consuming jealousy. She stood rooted to the spot as she watched Cicada prance toward the Swann mansion, her arm hooked around Boromir's arm – and also…Aragorn's. Stephie felt her anger and despair boil inside of her, pouring through her entire body and ramming again and again into her skull, trying harder and harder to escape, but finding not way out. But, suddlenly, an outlet was found. Stephie turned her brown-eyed gaze from her crush to the four small hobbits that had, by now, gotten up and were following Cicada's lead. The apple of Cicada's eye, Stephie thought, a foul plan quickly forming in her mind. She broke into a jog, easily catching up with the four short-legged beings.

"Hey!" she said, grabbing the Pheriannath 's attention. "I have a little game for you to play." The hobbits looked apprehensive, but listed to Stephie ramble nonetheless. "I have a big, fat mushroom in my pocket. First one to find it, get to ea—" Merry, Pippin, and Sam wasted no time in tackling Stephie and searching through her pockets in a frenzy. "Hey Cicada!" Stephie yelled. Cicada whipped around, flinging Aragorn and Boromir around quite violently. Now that she had Cicada's attention, Stephie grabbed a random hobbit (Merry) and gave him a great big bear hug, hoping to spark some jealous reaction from her friend. "They love me , Cicada!" Stephie yelled, overemphasizing the word "me". But Cicada only grinned.

"Good job, man!" she yelled, flashing a thumbs-up. Stephie frowned. She had forgotten that this was Cicada she was trying to derive a normal emotion from. Crap. The hobbits, after thoroughly searching Stephie, suddenly realized that there were no mushrooms to be had. Their merry faces turned grim. Stephie quickly noted this change of emotion, and tried to smooth over the hobbits' quickly building anger.

"Eheh, I must've dropped the mushroom. It must have fallen in that bush, over there!" she declared, pointed to a small shrub. Pippin started towared the bush, but was held back by Merry's hand on his shoulder.

"There isn't a mushroom in the bush, Pip. There isn't any mushroom at all," Merry said, looking hard at Stephie. Stephie swallowed.

"Well, um, isn't that odd now," she said. "I could've sworn I had—" she was abruptly cut off as the three indignant hobbits sprang at her in all of their righteous fury. Stephie whimpered piteously for mercy as the hobbits rained down brutal (or so they seemed to her) blows on her person. Stephie thought she was going to pass out from the overwhelming pain (glorious!), when she noticed a forth figure approaching the small group of Stephie-beaters. She cringed, waiting for who she thought was Frodo's fists to join in the inhuman beating. But in actually, 'twas Gimli, come to peel the ruffians from the beleaguered girl's prone body.

During this ordeal, Aragorn had managed to wrench his arm from Cicada's clinging grasp and had begun to backtrack to try to still the hobbit/human brawl. Boromir would've followed Aragorn, but, alas, it was not meant to be. Cicada, her other arm now free, was able to focus her unholy strength solely on Boromir. He didn't have a chance.

Aragorn warily approached the raving band of miscreant of doom of Port Royale, of the Island of Jamaica, of the Caribbean Sea, of the western hemisphere, of the planet earth, of the solar system, of the Milky Way galaxy… (well, you get the picture) that consisted of Merry, Pippin, Sam, Stephie, and also Gimli, Frodo, and a seagull, all of which had been pulled in against their wills.

"Gentlemen!" Aragorn shouted. He waited a moment for a pause or some sort of reaction from the group, but as he received none (except from the seagull, who crapped on Stephie's head and flew away), he bravely plowed into the midst of the battle and roughly grabbed Stephie, who he believed to be the cause of the fight. He easily hoisted the 15-year-old, and pitched her from the heat of the fight, and over to Boromir, where she landed on her butt and promptly passed out. "Boromir! Keep an eye on her while I calm the rest!"

"Sure, no problem, Aragorn," Boromir answered sarcastically from his place on the ground where he had been so unceremoniously knocked down by an obsessive Cicada. She had let go of his arm just long enough for him to begin walking away, and then she had grabbed both of his legs so violently that Boromir had lost his balance and fallen, face first, into the wet earth. Hard. So hard, in fact, that his face easily penetrated the top layer of mud and then slammed into the still-hard layer of dirt that hadn't succumbed to the softening fingers of the afternoon's rain. Boromir felt he had hit bedrock. He slowly pulled his face from the mire, turned his head and spat out a good amount of mud, a few stray blades of grass, and a pebble. He pushed himself up off the ground, and began to stand, only to be knocked back into the much and have the wind knocked out of him as Cicada transferred herself joltingly from his legs to his back. Cicada made herself comfortable in the small of Boromir's back, shoving his shield up his back to make room for her legs. The shield collided with Boromir's skull just as he had successfully managed to pull his head from the ground a second time. His head once again mashed into the prut that was beginning to have a stunningly clear imprint of his facial features. The former captain of the armies of Gondor and ex-heir to the stewardship of the Tower groaned despite himself, wretched his face from the smut – again –, and rubbed his nearly-broken nose. He gritted his teeth against the pain, took a deep breath (or as deep as he could with Cicada's weight on his back severely limiting his lung capacity), and forced himself up off the ground, dumping Cicada off in the process. Cicada quickly recovered from the impact and didn't hesitate a moment before latching herself, once again, to Boromir's leg. Boromir, filled with righteous agitation, nearly clouted Cicada's head with a blow that would have knocked her even more senseless than she already was, but he somehow managed to contain his anger. Instead, he began to attempt prying Cicada from himself without cause her any bodily harm.

Despite the fact that Aragorn had removed the cause of the brawl, the five Middle-Earthean beings continued to fight without motive. The king of Gondor quickly analyzed the scene, and concluded that Merry and Pippin had become the main instigators. They appeared now to be fighting for the fun of fighting, instead of for the purpose of disciplining a deceitful 15-year-old. He dexterously separated the dynamic duo from Sam, Frodo, and Gimli. The fray almost magically subsided -- his suspicions had been correct. They are still the same mischievous hobbits I met at the Prancing Pony, he thought, smiling to himself. This accomplished, Aragorn walked over to and crouched by the deathly-still body of Stephie. Aragorn furrowed his brow. He had been certain to throw her so that she would land on her posterior, and even if he had accidentally hurled her so that she landed on her head, he could find no evidence that would support that possibility – her head appeared to be in fine condition, as did her neck and back. What Aragorn didn't know, however, was that Stephie was very sensitive to any sort of pain, and she was also inclined to overreacting when some did happen to be dealt her. After quickly checking her pulse and breathing, and double checking for any head wounds, Aragorn rocked back on his heels and pondered her unresponsive state.

"Stephie," he called softly. Stephie's eyes flew open and she sprang up in an amazing burst of kinetic energy, screaming madly, "ANDURIL!" Despite the fact that Aragorn was not prone to being easily surprised or startled, he was still caught off-guard by the sheer force of Stephie's awakening and fell back in surprise onto his buttocks+. He quickly recovered his broken shards of dignity and waited until Stephie's mad cackles stopped. "Will you lead us?" Stephie barely stopped the urge to say, "I would lead you to the ends of the earth if you wished, Aglaradan," and instead nodded furiously. The two humans got up and swiftly made their way to a scene that was quickly becoming chaotic. Boromir had yet to pry Cicada from his left leg (though not for want of trying). Upon seeing his desperate situation, the four hobbits and dwarf had come to Boromir's aid but to no avail. Cicada would not be removed. As Aragorn and Stephie approached, Pippin left the group and ran off in search of a lever of some sort, pausing to give Stephie a good hard glare on his way. It took him only a few moments to find an old oar (the same oar Stephie had previously used to try to board the Pearl ), and start running back. In those few moments, however, Cicada noticed the imprint of Boromir's face in the mud, and was soon bedazzled by it. She began to gather stones to place around it, but alas, in Pippin's haste to bring back the oar he tripped over a tree root and fell into the imprint, completely ruining it. Cicada wailed sorrowfully, the howl echoing to all ends of the island, and about five miles out to sea.

Boromir, in his delirious, slightly-concussed state, finally registering that Cicada had let go of his leg, started to dance merrily. However, due to his aforementioned concussion, he lost his balance and would have fallen over if not for Aragorn's steady arm swiftly placed on his shoulder (NOT A SLASH! NEVER A SLASH!). Aragorn cleared his throat rather loudly, obtaining everyone's attention (with the exception of Cicada, who was still quietly sobbing to herself over the untimely demise of Boromir's glorious face imprint).

"Stephie, if you will…" Aragorn addressed Stephie, gesturing to the path ahead of them.

"If it pleases you, Beleg Hir," she cried. Aragorn winced slightly at the horrendous mispronunciation of the elvish words.

The small party began up the path, Stephie leading the way, Aragorn, helping a stumbling Boromir, and the hobbits following along. Gimli took it upon himself to wrench the unwilling Cicada from the ruined imprint she had loved so dearly. This accomplished, he threw her over his shoulder, and joined the group that was finally on their way to the Swann manor.

THE END. FOREVER.

(of this chapter anyway)

buttock(s) - early manuscripts do not contain the s.

Aglaradan– Man of Glory

Beleg Hir – Mighty lord

Cicada: So, there it was. Another chapter in the pathetic story that will shame me for years to come. You may have noticed that this time we didn't apologize for the lateness of the update. You also should have noticed that you're a loser. Well, we didn't apologize because we don't care about you or your smelly feelings. Now go away.

Minion: Why are you so angry, Cicada? I mean, more than usual…

Cicada: (muttering) How'd you get out… (normal tone) I'm angry because these morons are the reason my attack on Carol was a complete failure (refer to chapter 7 for more information on Cicada's plot to destroy Carol the guitar with chinchillas)! If I'd only had more Chinchillas! Because of them I lost over half my forces! And all because these losers are too stingy with their CHINCHILLAS! (twitches) Fetch me my flaming sword.

Minion: I'm not sure that's a good id—

Cicada: (low, dangerous voice red eye glowyness) NOW.

Stephie: (dons fireproof suit) The insanity…

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