A/N #1: Cicada: Ya know what? I feel happy!

Stephie: H…Happy? (raises eyebrows)

Cicada: Yeah! Minion made me a drink this morning and now I feel great!

Minion: (holds empty bottle of Vicodin behind back) Hey Cicada, can I have a raise?

Cicada: Of course you can, little buddy! I looooove j00! Lolz!1 (runs off into the sunset)

A/N von Stephie: Um, that was creepy… Anyways, on a more lucid note, we're back! Ooh, I need to quick mention a few revisions to the story. First, in chapter one, I added a little blip about where Norrington has been this whole time (it shouldn't be too hard to find; that chapter's short). He's going to show up in this story…sometime. OK, the other things are just little changes…in chapter 4, I switched the location of Jack's tattoo, cause it was wrong, in that same chapter, I cut out the little part about me giggling creepily – it creeped ME out. Oh, and I fixed the jam's flashback in chapter six so that you know what the scream was, and Zerlina says "fools" instead of "wenches", as she believes Cicada to be a boy.

Sorry for the slow update, we've actually been working on this chapter for quite a while it has just been…slow. But now you can all feel blessed by this new and awesome chapter! Since we haven't updated in…(looks it up) six months! Holy crap Cicada, we need to…(looks around for Cicada) …Oh yeah, she ran off into the sunset. Um, anyways, since we haven't updated in forever, we're putting up the plot synopsis for you guys once more. Enjoy!

Chapter 1: Zerlina the Mary Sue introduced. Jack falls under her diabolical Mary Sue spell.

Chapter 2: Zerlina goes to Swann Manor, is annoying (could you really expect anything more from a Sue?).

Chapter 3: Zerlina and Jack go on Date of Doom. Elizabeth and Will find out Zerlina is a Mary Sue. Both wish exterminators would come. Zerlina almost kisses Jack.

Chapter 4: Stephie and Cicada enter, effectively ruining Jack and Zerlina's date. Stephie rips off Jack's shirt (Stephie: Without sexual intent – aren't you all proud of me! Cicada: Shut up, fool.). Elizabeth invites Stephie and Cicada to stay at the Swann Manor, thinking they are Mary Sue exterminators.

Chapter 5: Breakfast with Zerlina. Plotless.

Chapter 6: Elizabeth tells Stephie and Cicada that Zerlina is a Mary Sue, and asks them to exterminate her. They agree. Date of Doom 2 – Jack battles an old woman over Zerlina's honor. Stephie chases Jack. Governor Swann whitewashed.

Chapter 7: La Rubia Diabla , a ship of Hispanics (and one Cretin) is shipwrecked. Stephie and Cicada have a mudball fight; discover Fellowship of the Ring, and decide to invite them to stay at the Swann Manor. Cicada starts to skip toward the Manor, while holding Boromir's and Aragorn's arms.

Chapter 8: Stephie suffers from a fit of jealousy, Boromir suffers a concussion, Aragorn suffers mispronounced elvish, and the hobbits suffer a horrible mushroom deception. In the end, Stephie and Cicada finally get the Fellowship to the Swann Manor.

Chapter Nine: OK, We Lied

The fellowship sat in the foyer of the Swann Manor waiting for their slightly more coherent guide to reappear with an answer from Elizabeth. Aragorn tended to the massively concussed Boromir. Sam and Frodo watched Aragorn interestedly as he went about his ministrations and Cicada sat on the floor in front of Boromir gazing upon his face dreamily (glorious!), occasionally drooling and mumbling his name. Gimli sat a little ways from the small group of hobbits and men, staring at nothing with a strangely elf-like contemplative look on his face. Merry and Pippin were exploring the foyer somewhat noisily while they waited.

"Merry, what do you think this is doing here?" Pippin asked. Merry turned around to see Pippin pulling what looked like half a candelabra out of a vase that was sitting on the floor. Merry stared at the light fixture, then shrugged. Pippin mimicked Merry's shrug, dropped the candlestick back into the vase, and the two cousins went on with their exploration. Suddenly the group of miscellaneous peoples heard a door slam open (how they could tell that it was the door slamming open and not closed, no one knows) and then Stephie came skipping loudly down the stairs with Elizabeth in tow. Stephie's grin stretched from ear to ear as she cried, "Lizzy said you could all STAY!" Elizabeth, however, was far from Stephie's ecstatic feelings.

"I thought you said it was a couple friends!" she cried, her mouth agape. "And don't call me Lizzy," she added sharply.

"Come on, Elizabeth," pleaded Cicada, who had somehow managed to tear herself from Boromir. "They'll help us do our job!" The Fellowship collectively turned to look inquisitively at Cicada, then Stephie, and finally each other. What were the stupid cretins talking about?

Elizabeth seemed indecisive until Stephie added, "At no extra charge!" and both Stephie and Cicada put on their begging faces. Elizabeth took a deep breath and closed her eyes. It'll help them get rid of Zerlina, it'll help them get rid of Zerlina, she told herself. She opened her eyes and sighed resignedly.

"They may stay."

From Stephie and Cicada's (glorious!) joy a sprightly two-person two-step emerged. The two idiots sang a nonsense song while they danced, reminding the hobbits of their native pubs and drinking songs. The furry-footed creatures were tempted to join in, but their burning hatred for the not-fuzzy-haired one quickly quenched this desire.

At that moment the front door flew open with a flourish and a burst of radiant light exploded into the room, blinding all who looked upon its glorious visage. The sound of a billion birds singing adoringly caused everyone to plug their ears until the front door slammed shut behind its enterers. When everyone could hear and see again, they saw it was Zerlina, accompanied by her beau, the gentle Jack Sparrow.

"That was an amazing date, Zerlina, my one and only lurve! I cannot wait until the winds of Fate blow us together once more, my darling!"

"Oh, but why need this beautiful moment end? Let us traverse back into town in each other's wonderful company. For what is better than one date, but two?"

Elizabeth took several steps back and grabbed a conveniently-located firepoker (of doom) to ward off her cousin should she come too near. Stephie shook in horrible rage when she saw Jack and Zerlina together. Then remembering the other object of her unsurpassed devotion, she jerked her head over to Aragorn. Then back to Jack, then back to Aragorn. Jack. Aragorn. Jack! Aragorn! JACK! ARAGORN!111!one!eleven!1111. Watching silently, Cicada made a secret bet with herself on whether or not Stephie head would become airborne. Five bucks it goes out the window, she wagered to herself. Accepted, but you better pay up…or else, she threatened herself.

The sadly flickering lightbulb that resided in Stephie's head made a sad, nay, pathetic attempt to shine (glorious!). ZZzzt…ZzzzT….PING! the light flashed on. "We'll come with you!" she cried to Jack, gesturing to herself, the psychotically-mumbling Cicada, and the Fellowship (well, at Aragorn, anyway). Zerlina looked apprehensive but Jack broke out into a HUGE, nay, GINORMOUS grin.

"Of course you can come!" he said jovially. The hobbits grinned eagerly, dreaming of the food they could hopefully procure in this brave new world. They, as well as Cicada (who hadn't really been listening, but wanted to hang with her newfound eating buddies) quickly (and loudly) agreed. Aragorn hesitated. He was uneasy with the idea of leaving an injured comrade. His Ranger exploratory instincts fought hard against his inner healer. At that critical moment, Will came prancing down the front steps like a faggy elf named Legolas(+). With elf-like speed Will noticed that Boromir's right pupil was immense compared to his left. "Concussion?" he asked, already knowing the answer. He shuddered as he remembered a recent accident (an attempted leprechaun-jump a bit too close to the Foyer stairs). Aragorn looked at the newcomer curiously.

"You know something of the art of healing?"

Will shrugged.

"I know enough about concussions," he replied sheepishly (like a sheep!).

After a short (tepid, probably) exchange it was decided that Boromir would be left in the capable hands of sheepy Will and Aragorn and the rest would venture forth into the strange town. As the group began to walk out the door, Cicada suddenly came back to the real world and realized that Boromir wasn't following. She (in a manner much like Stephie's) yanked her head from Boromir to the retreating group. Then she promptly hyper-ventilated and unceremoniously passed out. Hearing the loud, yet slightly hollow thud, Stephie turned to her friend's fallen form. A perfect chance to prove my awesomenicity (which is totally a word) to Aragorn! And so, with a similar level of unceremony, Stephie grabbed Cicada by the ankles and pulled her out the Manor door.


Date of Doom Three – Doomiest of Them All (mere mortals, give up all hope)


Cicada, after having suffered a slight aneurism, woke to find her fellow cretin grunting madly as she tried to pull Cicada along the path outside the Swann Manor. "Stephie, I'm OK! You don't need to pull me anymore!"

"Shut up Cicada! I'm trying to impress Aragorn with my burly muscles!"

Cicada glanced at her friends scrawny arms and laughed herself into unconsciousness. Again. At this moment Aragorn deigned to help the scrawny teenager Stephie pull Cicada along. He thought of simply picking up the unconscious Cicada and carrying her himself, but he thought it might insult Stephie. This reminded him of how he used to treat Eldarion when he was young. The young prince had always been offended if his father tried to help him overmuch. Aragorn decided he would simply assist Stephie in carrying her friend.

Stephie visibly trembled as Aragorn came back to aid her in her struggle. "Ara…Aragorn…" She stared (and drooled) as Aragorn reached down to help her hoist Cicada off the ground. His hand is like four feet away from me, she thought, dumbstruck. There was a loud thunk as Stephie dropped Cicada's lower and her right hand lunged out and formed a death grip on Aragorn's wrist. Aragorn blinked in surprise. Stephie stared at the ground, her eyes not meeting the King of Gondor's. But her grip did not lessen. Cicada decided to use this moment to wake from her laughter-induced unconsciousness. She quickly pulled his wrists out of the grip of the shocked ranger and her upper body thwopped most unceremoniously on the ground. She slowly dusted herself off, and then, as if nothing had transpired, moved ahead to walk with the hobbits, leaving poor Aragorn to fend for himself.


The stroll would have promised to have been a good one were it not for the presence of the "lovely" Zerlina. She annoyed the attached-to-Aragorn Stephie to no end, and Cicada couldn't stay lucid long enough to help Stephie do any nasty pranks. She was far too caught up in the condition of her poor poor Boromir.

Aragorn tried, several times, to shake Stephie's hand from his wrist, but to no avail. He finally found he could stand Stephie's clenching grip if he compared her once more to Eldarion. His son had always wanted to hold his Papa's hand. Of course, Aragorn thought, he had stopped wanting to hold hands by the time he was 9, quite a few years younger than this girl. But perhaps people matured slower in this world.

The thought of Eldarion brought a small smile to Aragorn's face and the deep stab of homesickness. He wanted to go back to Middle Earth and be with his friends! His family! His wife (who is not a horse stealing wench, but a proud elf maiden)! He wondered how long it had been since he had seen his family. He had been in Mandos for how long? Somehow time was very hard to measure in the Namo's Halls. But it felt like forever since he had seen his beloved Arwen. Of course, they had been separated for large quantities of time before, but…It was different in Mandos. In Middle Earth he had been able to control when he was to return to the Evenstar. But in Mandos he had no control over when he would see Arwen again. He let himself relive the last memory he had of her. He had been in the House of the Kings, just about to die, and he remembered Arwen's grey eyes pleading as she cried, "Estel, Estel!" He had kissed her hand then in farewell, and that was the last he had seen of Arwen during his mortal life.

Aragorn blinked, realizing he had stopped in the middle of the street. Stephie still hung by his arm, swaying back and forth to a song inside her head. Aragorn surveyed the scene around him. They had, by now, reached the busy marketplace, filled with the wares of many merchants, buyers, the merchants themselves, and a flock of small children. It was somewhat similar to Minas Tirith, though the peoples' dress and accents were very different.

The townspeople stopped their doings and stared curiously at the group of assorted travelers. There was a guy in full chain mail, and about six midgets by the look of things. The only "normal" people in the party were a girl, who seemed to be afraid to release the chain-mailed one, and two painfully lovey-dovey young people, one of who had recently killed a highly respected matriarch over the quality of his lady's singing.

Aragorn, Gimli and Co. seemed to find it hard to ignore the inquisitive looks, but Jack and Zerlina had no problem at all, as absorbed in each other's company as they were. The lovers, with many an affectionate glance at each other, slowly, savoringly clasped hands.

Aragorn felt Stephie's hand tighten on his arm. He glanced at the teenager, and saw a very disturbing look in her eye. It spoke of great loathing and...

"DEATH!" Aragorn wasn't sure if Stephie had actually screamed it, or if he had just read the words in her eyes. Either way, Stephie abruptly let go of his hand (he rubbed it gingerly) and jumped onto Zerlina's back. "How dare you touch him, you ignorant wench, you!" Cicada, her mind still very much with Boromir, broke from her thoughts long enough to hand Stephie a lead pipe. After several well-aimed swings at Zerlina with the pipe, Jack was suddenly upon Stephie, who was upon Zerlina. The net effect was that Zerlina was smashed. It took several minutes for Aragorn and Gimli ("aided" most annoyingly by four well-meaning hobbits) to disentangle the three humans. When they did, Stephie and Jack were miraculously unhurt. Zerlina was another story. She had suffered one very long scratch on her left forearm. Aragorn frowned when he saw it. There was no way Stephie could have inflicted that wound with a blunt lead pipe. The fact that he thought he had seen Zerlina scraping her own arm against the cobblestone street whilst Stephie and Jack were being separated bolstered his suspicions. But suspicious or not, Jack was convinced that Stephie had nearly killed his "lurve". The brave pirate was just about to engage Stephie in a battle to the death when Zerlina started to cry. "Oh!" Zerlina nearly mewled. "Oh, Jack, it hurts so! Oh what can be done to help my terrible wound!" Jack began looking for a stand that sold some kind of cloth he could use as a bandage.

"Oh, if only some handsome, brave, pirate named Jack Sparrow could perform the age old healing gift! The Kiss of Love!" Still not understanding, Jack wondered what CPR had anything to do with a scratch on the arm. "KISS IT AND MAKE IT FEEL BETTER!" Zerlina roared in absolute frustration (her voice loosing it's grating feminine quality and transforming into something different entirely). Jack, for the first time ever, appeared to be frightened of his love. But all the same, he reached out quickly and kissed Zerlina's bleeding arm (more out of fear than love). "No! The lips!" barked Zerlina. Jack looked bewildered.

"What lips?"

"MINE!"

"What about them?"

"KISS THEM!" Zerlina roared. Needless to say, Jack was not romanced. In fact, Zerlina's sudden outburst momentarily broke him from him trance. The pirate appeared dazed. "Where's the pearl? Where am I? Where's the rum?" Stephie appeared overjoyed at the return of her favorite swashbuckler. But it was not to be. Jack suddenly turned to Zerlina.

"Who is she!" There was a collective sigh, as everyone witnessed Jack's eyes glazing over as he stared at Zerlina's beauty.

Cicada looked at the seemingly hopeless scene and merely shook her head. There was only one thing for this. She looked on the ground and found the largest stone she could pick up. This particular stone, unfortunately, was being used as a wheel stopper for a cart of fruit.

The cart lurched forward and in an instant Zerlina, Jack, Stephie, and three out of four hobbits (Sam being the lucky one out) were buried up to their necks (and above in the case of the hobbits) in various tropical fruits. Seeing the upset fruit on the ground Cicada shook with mad glee. She leapt head-first into the Mountain of Produce and began to suck vampirically upon a papaya. Jack tried heroically to pull Zerlina from the pile of fruit, though his pulls were a bit too vigorous and he ended up yanking Zerlina out of the fruit and into a nearby puddle of mud, and promptly ruining her new purple dress of doom.

Finally satisfied with delicious papaya blood Cicada stood up holding the empty shell of her victim. Then, she began piling all of the papayas in reach into her shirt, sweatshirt, and even into her pants.

"HEY! STOP THAT! THOSE ARE MINE!" the Papaya Man yelled as the others continued to struggle in their papaya prison. And so Cicada ran. She ran until her papayas had all fallen from her. She ran until... her head hit a pole. Looking up blearily (the papaya man having scooped up the ten or so papayas Cicada stolen and gone back to salvage what was left of his fruity wares) she saw a familiar face stapled to the pole. She made a face at it until she realized it wasn't really a face. It was just a picture of a face, and a familiar face at that. She leapt up, squealed and glomped the poster. "BO'SUN!" she cried with the same glee she exhibited with the papayas. Zerlina whipped her head around. "Yes? Did someone say my name?" She paused as everyone looked at her. "I mean... Did someone say the name of a man I don't even know, and most certainly not am?" Foolish Jack and foolisher Cicada were appeased, but the Fellowship (and Stephie) were suspicious. Aragorn, after sending Gimli to help Stephie out of the papaya pile (he didn't want to risk her clamping onto him again), walked over to where Cicada sat and studied the poster (or at least the parts of the poster he could see sticking out from under Cicada's appendages). He stared from Zerlina to the poster, then shrugged. These Port Royal affairs are not my business, he decided.

At that moment, Jack was trying to remedy his mistake in throwing Zerlina into the mud pool. He cleverly braced himself on some dry ground, and hoisted Zerlina up. His attempt would have worked, would have brought his "girl" up unscathed (well, mostly. there was still a great deal of mud on her dress), if she had not suddenly pretended to slip and thrown herself into his arms

"Whoa!" Jack yelled, slightly surprised.

"Oh, Jack," she whispered in her ethereal voice. Jack felt a strange desire to push her aside, but then...cerulean eyes...golden hair...He closed his kohl-lined eyes. Their lips were about to meet when…

"PAPAYA!" Cicada screamed, noticing a lone papaya on the ground that the papaya man had missed. In slow motion it seemed she launched herself from ground and flew like a (slightly retarded) crane, arms flapping and screeching "PAPAYA PAPAYA PAPAYA!" Still in slow motion Cicada noticed that Jack and Zerlian were between her and her ultimate goal! This could NOT be tolerated. As Jack and Zerlina's lips moved closer and closer together, Cicada, still flying, grabbed Zerlina by the shoulders and shoved her out of the way. Zerlina spun out of control and landed once again in a mud puddle. Cicada had more luck with her landing, though not by much. STILL in the air she snatched the last papaya flipped over and tried to land on her feet. Instead, she hit the ground gracelessly and went rolling about seven yards before finally coming to a stop, eating the papaya. Zerlina, properly and awesomely foiled by the flying Cicada, sat fuming in the mud pile. She, of course, adopted a fakey-looking "I'm patient and longsuffering e'en when these children plunge me beneath the surface of a scummy and filthy mudpile" smile as Jack looked over at her apologetically. Anyways, everyone was finally removed from mud- and fruitpiles, and rounded up. Finally, the troop of hobbits, men, and woman (yes, yes, and two crackpots) set off down the road once more, all brave and willing to face any and all new obstacles that laid in their path (well, perhaps not. Gimli was wishing he had stayed behind with Boromir, Aragorn was beginning to think along the same lines, and Jack was just very confused about everything, and yet sure of Zerlina at the same time. The only people that seemed happy at the turn of events were Merry and Pippin, and Cicada).


Boromir lay on the bed in one of the guest rooms at the Swann Manor. He was trying as hard as he could to not under ANY circumstances fall asleep as Aragorn had instructed him, but he was now finding that particularly difficult.

The beginning of Will's tale had been an exciting one. Bandits of the sea, cursed treasures, and the triumph of good over evil brought him back to his childhood, listening to his parents recite to him and his little brother the old tales.

However, after the initial excitement had worn off, Will launched into the long tale about his and Elizabeth's first fight as husband and wife. And then their second. And third, and fourth, and fifth...

They seemed to be a happy couple, (four of their fights so far had been about proper positioning of silverware, nothing too big like mistresses or the like. The fourth had been something about Will hurrying up and finding a place in town to build a house/blacksmith shop of their own so Will wouldn't have to work under someone else's name anymore, and so he and Elizabeth wouldn't have to keep mooching off her father anymore) but MAN were they boring!

Will, on the other hand was having a great time! No one had listened to him like this since... well since about the time Zerlina came to visit. He felt alone! Neglected! Ignored! Finally, he could share his thoughts to another living being without them telling him to "shut up" or flying into a Zerlina killing craze (that last one was mostly his wife).

His father-in-law, whom he was usually in good terms with, wouldn't even speak to him anymore! And when he did, it was in very cryptic sentences that sounded awfully familiar. And so, like a horrific leak that has been jammed up with crappy bathroom caulk for too long, his long unsaid words finally freed themselves upon his poor unwilling victim.

Boromir, having lost interest by the third Will/Elizabeth fight story, blocked Will out and proceeded to replay the day in his head.

He had, as Pippin had put it, been simply "being" in the Halls of Mandos, when he, along with the other six Fellowship members, was sucked through a hole and dumped into this unholy place.

After swimming for hours, he had met two insane cretins, been seriously injured by one, and had finally made it here to this house -- Swann Manor. Quite a full day, he decided. So full, he decided he deserved a break. Just...just a little shut-eye, he thought. But just as his eyelids were fluttering closed, he realized Will had stopped talking. He opened one eye to see Will staring expectantly back at him. Apparently, he had just asked a question of Boromir.

"Don't you think?" Will questioned.

"Yes, yes, of course," Boromir answered hastily, having no idea what Will was talking about.

Will apparently did not catch on to the inattention of his listener, and then continued talking about fighting with Elizabeth over the placement of a desk in their bedroom.

"She wanted it in a more prominent place, because it had 'sentimental value' to her. When I asked her why it was so special, she finally admitted it was the desk that she had kept the pirate medallion in all those years." Boromir nodded absently, not really paying any attention. But suddenly, the man sat up straight, filled with a sudden burst of insight.

"Will, where did you tell me you got that Medallion from?"

"From my father," Will said slowly, surprised at Boromir's sudden interest. Boromir furrowed his brow.

"Will, tell me everything you know about the medallion and the pirate curse..."


Jack skipped merrily, his heart as light as a pillow – the lightest pillow to ever grace the shores of Port Royal (which wasn't actually all that comfortable, as it was just a pillowcase and one feather). He was hand-in-hand with Zerlina, who kept yanking him back so she could suspiciously rip down the many wanted posters of Bo'Sun as they went. Jack, naturally, did not notice. The rest had given up caring about Zerlina's odd behavior (except Stephie, of course, who was always suspicious of Zerlina). Instead, the hobbits had interested themselves in stealing apples from the large bag Zerlina had purchased several blocks back.

Cicada would help them between the times when she would gather up and huggle the crumpled up posters of Bo'Sun that Zerlina kept dropping into the gutter.

Stephie tried to join the hobbits once or twice, but since her deception about the mushrooms, the hobbits simply did not trust her.

Anytime she came near, they would give her glares so intense that she would run away and cry in fright.

After the third time she tried and was driven off, she finally gave in and did not try to help the hobbits anymore.

She was dropping to the back of the group, so as to be a safe distance away from the hobbits, when she suddenly noticed Aragorn! She had forgotten momentarily that he was there. Overjoyed, she ran up to him, snatched his arm, and promptly stared at the ground. Aragorn sighed. He had a slight temptation to jerk his arm and so fling Stephie from him, but he set his teeth and patiently let the teenager hang off his arm as he walked.

Gimli was feeling slightly annoyed. Ever since he had been so unceremoniously brought to this Port Royal place, he had experienced nothing but aggravation. First, he had been dropped into the middle of the ocean. It was only through some miraculous intervention by the Valar that the waterlogged Fellowship had managed to find land. And when they did, they had found two very annoying teenagers with it. Things went downhill from there, he decided. He had met Jack and Zerlina, two idiotic and annoying lovers. And since said meeting, they had done nothing but blabber foolish lovers' speech. And they were very weird. Why was Zerlina pulling down wanted posters? He wondered idly if that was some sort of lovers' tradition in this world. But beyond and above all that, he missed Legolas (NOT A SLASH! NEVER EVER A SLASH!). In Mandos, he had been allowed to see the elf periodically. But now, he was severed from his best friend, with no known means of getting back. He hoped against hope that the Valar would intervene once more and take him and his fellows back to Mandos, where they belonged. But it did not look like that was going to happen anytime in the near future. He sighed despondently. Looking up at his ridiculous comrades (with the exception of Aragorn, Sam, and Frodo), he decided that he really should have stayed with Boromir.


Zerlina, by now, was getting frustrated with Jack. She had been with him for half a week now, and had so far been unable to seal his fate with her Kiss of Doom. She was sick of hanging around the infatuated pirate and he…er SHE was even more tired of being constantly accosted by that wench Stephie and her…brother, Cidao. She knew she had plenty of time to complete he dastardly deed (well, unless it found them and started killing off the crew again) but he – she – wanted to get this over with as soon as possible. Why was he – err, she chosen for this task. It was so humiliating! Then he remembered – er she. Ah, that was an unfortunate accident, he, I mean she, pondered. D+ that bloody ring! He broke himself from – er she, and herself! – from said ponderings and brought herself back to the situation at hand. It was time to STRIKE!

End of his, doh! HER POV


Zerlina sidled up to Jack.

"Oh, my love," she said, the words coming out terribly forced. Jack gazed lovingly back at her. With a sudden burst of evil inspiration, Zerlina grabbed Jack and yanked him into an adjacent alley.

"My…love," Zerlina cooed. She jerked Jack closer to herself. She clamped her slender, milky-white arms around his neck. She and the pirate would not be interrupted, shoved apart, or otherwise. This time she would have him!

Jack was slightly frightened and rather appalled. His chaste Diana had transformed into the ruby-lipped Venus, his goddess of purity exchanged for a cheap goddess of lust and carnal hunger. He winced as he felt Zerlina's pink nails dig into the flesh of his neck. He needed to break free! But still…her cerulean eyes…her svelte figure… He felt himself leaning forward, his lips soon to meet hers in a spectacular, glorious display of the purest love that would show the whole world the true meaning on peace, beauty, and happy!

They were so absorbed in one another that neither lover saw it coming. But even if they hadn't been so absorbed, they wouldn't have seen it coming. Who could have foreseen what was suddenly racing down the alley? It was so...odd. And totally beyond the world of the predictable.

A few loud hoof beats were all the warning that Jack and Zerlina got before a two hundred-pound, scary-looking, one-horned goat came charging toward them. The goat had a huge French roll stuck to its single horn, and an angry baker was chasing after it. As the goat came pounding down the alley, the French loaf stuck on its horn caught the two cretins behind the knees, upending and sending them flying.

The one-horned goat, with nary a look back, charged onward, bread and all, into an adjacent street. The enraged baker followed close behind, screaming "Dang you, Charlise, you one-horned goat, you!" as he and the thieving goat disappeared around the corner.

Jack and Zerlina, having been thrown to opposite sides of the alleyway, attempted to disentangle themselves from the piles of junk littering the alleyway (and, in Zerlina's case, untangled herself from the one of the two resident hobos of Port Royal).

"Should've hung out with Jim today," the hobo (Bob, by name) muttered angrily as he tried to rid himself of the massive curtain of Zerlina's blonde hair. Zerlina pulled her blonde locks from the hobo's face, and, in characteristic fit of rage, shoved poor Bob away from her person and into a pile of rotting roughage.

Suddenly, Stephie (who, though she had been very absorbed in clutching Aragorn's wrist, had doubled back to find Jack after she noticed he had been missing for several blocks)'s head, quickly followed by her body, popped into the alley.

"Jack, Jack, let me help you out of the pile of garbage!" Stephie yelled. She excitedly began to help Jack unearth himself, but was dismissively shoved aside as Jack leapt to his feet.

"Zerlina, my dearest love, are you all right!" he questioned, his voice fraught with concern.

"No, I'm not all right! You're going to take me back to Swann Manor RIGHT NOW!" she demanded. Out of the corner of her eye, she noticed Bob slowly pulling himself from the heap of grime. To vent her mounting frustration, the upset, muddy, grimy (but yet dazzlingly beautiful!) blonde reached over and forcibly shoved the poor hobo back into the mound of crap and started back toward the street. Bob, however, would have his revenge! Swiftly sticking his foot into the path of the young blonde woman, he succeeded in tripping the obnoxious Zerlina. But she managed to catch herself, and turned and gave the hobo nasty triumphant smile and proceeded on her way out of the alley. Now infuriated, the young hobo grabbed a handful of the muck he himself was submerged in and launched it at Zerlina's retreating head. The grime flew true and Zerlina lurched forward as it came into painful contact with the back of her skull.


By the time Jack, Zerlina, and Stephie finally surfaced from the depths of the alley, the Fellowship (and Cicada) had already gone on several blocks, not really caring (and in fact quite happy) that they had lost the three most annoying members of their group.

Aragorn had felt slightly compelled to retrieve the lost companions, but as he rubbed his sore wrist, he decided that Stephie, at least, would return on her own, and it really was no loss if Jack and Zerlina didn't come back with her. Anyway, Jack, Zerlina, and Stephie quickly caught back up to the rest of the group. A small tug-of-war erupted as Zerlina attempted to reclaim her bag of apples. She had discarded said bag when she abruptly threw Jack into the alley. The hobbits, accompanied by Cicada, had used this opportunity to seize the bag of apples and claim it as their own. They had been munching the apples contentedly when Zerlina unfortunately returned and tried to take back that which was her own. After a short battle over the apples, Zerlina gave in and threw up her hands in frustration. She stalked over to Jack and looped her arm violently in his. She then pulled Jack along to the front of the company, assuming the leadership of the group from Aragorn.

"Nice hat, Zerlina," Cicada mocked after her, referring to the bulk of trash of doom still lodged in Zerlina's golden locks.

"Shut up Cidao, you stupid boy," Zerlina spat. Cicada most certainly would have leapt on Zerlina and rent her limb from limb for calling her a boy – AGAIN – had she not been so preoccupied with the hobbits and their newly-won stash of apples. As it was, she simply shook and twitched, though it was so violent that Frodo was afraid she was having a seizure.

Zerlina, ignoring Cicada's alarming twitching, suddenly swung herself and Jack around one hundred eighty degrees, halting all forward progress.

"Our stroll is ended! We are now returning to the Swann Manor. Deal with it!" he voice leaving no room for question. The hobbits shrugged, still munching their apples, Aragorn and Gimli sighed with relief, Stephie glared, and Cicada merely continued to twitch.

They started back toward the Manor in relative silence, and the trip was wholly uneventful until Cicada met with a familiar sight. She stopped dead in her tracks, Stephie plowing into her.

"Hey look, Stephie! It's Bo'Sun!" she exclaimed.

"Yup. That's Bo'Sun alright," Stephie agreed, peering at the wanted poster.

"Just look at that Bo'Sun picture. It's all Bo'Sunny and such."

"Yeah, it's really Bo'Sun. In the flesh. Except on a poster."

"Yeah, Bo'Sun is pretty cool. All black and muscly, that Bo'Sun."

"Uhuh, and Bo'Sun has all that cool scar tissue patterns on him, Bo'Sun does."

"Yup. Bo'Sun is…"

Zerlina twitched as they continued to utter that name. She resisted the urge to yell "WHAT!" She considered cuffing the two idiots to make them stop, until Cicada got to the part about "black and muscly." She found herself involuntarily flexing at the words and looking at her pale skin with disgust.

"He's totally not like Anamaria, that Bo'Sun."

"Yeah, Bo'Sun is, like, hot and like, a dude," Cicada answered. She and Stephie could have kept going on like that for several more hours, but as it was, Aragorn and Gimli (respectively) grabbed the two cretins and hauled them the rest of the way to the Manor.


It was a large and weary group that finally dragged itself into the Swann Manor. They all were thoroughly exhausted by their "tour". Suddenly Boromir came racing to greet them, Will tramping down the steps after him. Boromir was as excited as they were exhausted. With a mad grin on his concussed (yet smexy) face, Boromir cried out, "Aragorn, Aragorn! I figured it out! I know how to get back to Mandos!" Aragorn, Gimli, Sam and Frodo all perked up at this news. Merry and Pippin looked mildly downcast (they had just gotten a whole bag of apples – they weren't ready to go back!), but still fairly interested. Boromir opened his mouth to tell the (mostly) eager Fellowship his glorious tidings. But then…the smile fell from his eager face. The joy that lit his eyes faded. His shoulders slumped. "I…I can't remember," he whispered, a defeat heavy on his voice. "My…my head…" He clutched at his head. His concussion had taken its toll and wiped Boromir's memory like a cloth again a chalkboard.

"Wait!" Will cried exultantly. "I know what he was going to say! It was –"

"Shut up Will, no one cares," Cicada snapped dismissively, and the group (including Boromir, still rubbing his head gingerly) filed past the dejected and ignored blacksmith.


(+) In all actuality, Will is physically incapable of prancing, Leprechaun-jumping, or even skipping. It all involved a sword-training lesson with Elizabeth gone horribly, horribly awry. Not much is known of the unfortunate accident, other than that Elizabeth's only job was to hold up a shield for Will. Further details have not be disclosed to the public.


Cicada: (chases Minion) You drugged me you little weasel!

Minion: (runs away) Please don't kill me!

Cicada: Death is too great a prize for you. You'll beg for death before the end! I'll make you wish you had never been created, you worm. You shall pray for death, but death will not come!

Minion: (cries and is carried off by robot slaves)

Cicada: (to audience) AND NO SEX FOR YOU!

Stephie: Um…Yes. She's crazy. (ducks a Cicada aims a flamethrower at her) Anyways, I just wanted to quick address the whole part with Aragorn and Arwen, and the part with Gimli. Aragorn's memory is from the books, and is in Appendix A: A Part of the Tale of Aragorn and Arwen. Oh, I'm not 100 sure of Arwen's eye color – I was kinda guessing there (I'm not going with the movie version, in case you couldn't tell). So if anyone thinks I'm wrong and knows her real eye color, please tell me!

The part of about Gimli and Legolas being able to visit each other, despite the fact that Legolas is not dead (hence him not being pulled through the portal into Port Royal, and same with Gandalf), is pure speculation. We assumed that since the Halls of Mandos is, in fact, a physical place in Valinor, people who lived in Valinor would be able to visit those in Mandos. If anyone knows differently, tell us. That would be great. Alright, one laaaast note. I promise. This story (the Middle Earth part, anyway) takes place about five months after Aragorn died. That's why Arwen was not in the Halls – from what I gather, she died about six months after Aragorn. I'm also assuming Gimli died within that five-month time frame, so he'd be in the Halls, too. OK, now I will stop blathering. I just wanted to make sure I explained everything. And, just in case I missed something, and something's messed up…blame it one the Sue Curse.