Disclaimer: Though I ask every Christmas, Gundam Wing doesn't belong to me. Nor does Wufei. I'm very sad.
Warning: There's some bad language, yaoi (1x2 and 3x4) and reference to Une in bondage. 'Bout it.
The Odd Man Out
When he started talking to his plants, Wufei decided he really needed to get laid. The trouble was in finding someone suitable.
He often wondered if there were more health repercussions to piloting a Gundam than the doctors had originally admitted. Maybe after all that time it had done something to them . . . down there. Because the odds of the good doctors finding five young men that all had preferences for the same sex seemed a little unlikely.
Wufei wished there had been sixth pilot. Having an odd number of pilots just hadn't been fair. When they were all paired off, one was always left out. Despite what some people believed, threesomes really didn't work.
Duo and Heero had an 'arrangement'. Though Duo referred to them as just fuck buddies, Wufei didn't see them fucking any of their other buddies. Which was too bad because he would have been more than willing to oblige.
If you looked in the dictionary under the word monogamous, Wufei firmly believed there would be a picture of Quatre and Trowa smiling away. Probably holding hands. And making googly eyes. On one of his more positive life-affirming days Wufei was happy for the two and glad they had each other. The rest of the time, he wanted to go find the nearest hole and shove his head down it. That or maybe stick it in a large meat grinder. Nauseating was an apt description. They wrote music for each other and used pet names. They even remembered their anniversaries. The fact that they had anniversaries was enough to offend Wufei's sense of How the World Should Be.
There were the women to consider of course. And while it wasn't really his cup of tea, he supposed he could be open minded. Besides, he was getting desperate.
Sally Poe might be an option he supposed, though the word cradle robber came to mind. As well as opinionated, bossy, stubborn, pig-headed and impulsive.
Lady Une . . . not if she was the last woman on the planet. Scary didn't even begin to cover it. A reoccurring nightmare of his involved Une, leather and a whip.
Noin had a fixation with Zechs or Milliardo or whatever he was calling himself these days, so that was no good.
Relena might be a possibility if he didn't find her personality abrasive, her voice annoying and the fact that despite Heero's occupied fuck buddy status, she still carried the torch for him.
It was no wonder he was talking to his plants.
Wufei had considered asking Quatre about the availability of one of his sisters but changed his mind when he realized that while he was looking for sex, he wasn't looking for marriage.
Basically he was running out of options. It wasn't until he'd assigned his plants names and genders that he finally came up with the solution. He picked up the phone and made a call.
"Howard? I need a favor."
Later the other four pilots would wonder amongst themselves why Wufei had felt the need to suddenly take a leave of absence for what he called 'a working vacation'. Specifically a working vacation on a sweeper ship, where the only thing around was a crew full of men and a ship full of space junk.
When asked about it he'd only smirked at them and said, "Male bonding."
The End!
