long car trips are great for many reasons--they afford one lots of time to stare off into space, listen to almost every CD in one's collection & to do lots of writing. so here we go with chapter 8. thanks to those who read & review! not a lot of action in this chapter...but it sets it all up for later. so, anywho, hopefully it does not disappoint.

same warnings & disclaimer apply.

Chapter 8: Full Circle

Sure enough, Katarin had fallen asleep in the archives not soon after Obi-Wan left. But still the knowledge of his stolen kiss had lingered in her mind from the moment she had awoken to find her back stiff with tightness. For reasons beyond her, that memory just would not stop haunting her or occupying her mind. She quickly left the archives, resolving to solve not only her physical discomfort, but her useless mental excitement with physical meditation. And then run off to meet them all for lunch.

"Where have you been all morning?" Bant asked curiously as Katarin effortlessly slid into a chair.

"Meditating," Katarin answered, her voice blank of emotion, "I fell asleep in the archives and awoke to the most unforgivable stiffness."

"I know what you mean," Temos agreed, setting his glass down, "those archive couches would send anyone to a chiropractor." The small group laughed, and Katarin let a smile spread to her face, especially as her eyes settled on Obi-Wan's whose seemed to harbor knowing and excitement.

"My morning was close to the same—except I spent it sparring with my master," Bant said, rubbing her shoulder in a circle, "she insisted that I work on these more advanced maneuvers. I know she means well, but oh, what I wouldn't do for a day of rest."

"Only in your dreams Bant…or when we're all masters." Obi-Wan said lazily.

"If then even…." Katarin finished, turning towards Bant as Lenia nodded in seemingly forced agreement.

"That's a rather bleak assessment Katarin," Lenia suddenly said, trying to sound pleasant, but with an unmistakable accusing note to her voice.

"Well, depends on your point of view." Katarin simply answered, her voice clipped and composed. Obi-Wan could not help but marvel at how collected Katarin sounded in the face of accusations and unpleasantries. 'At her level of stoicism,' he reasoned, 'she could pass for a master.'

"Atrides," she spun around to suddenly see Master Gitan behind her, hands on her chair, "a moment."

"Of course sir." She quickly responded, rising from her chair, nodding at the now silent group of Padawan learners who were fighting to hide their gapes and stares. Katarin rose unflinching from her seat and silently followed Master Gitan from the room, hands folded preparedly behind her back.

"Oh……" Temos breathed, a slight laugh on his voice, shock in his eyes at what trouble Katarin was in.

"What did she do?" Bant asked concernedly, anxiously surprised and afraid for Katarin—rarely did masters address their padawan's by last name, unless they were due for major punishment. Bant was worried for Katarin, but immensely curious.

"I know what she did." Lenia spoke up, almost gleefully, trying to hide her smile. "She used the dark side of the force on me." Obi-Wan's eyes widened in lost confusion.

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Katarin walked silently by Gitan's side, well aware of why he summoned her.

"I felt a dark disturbance in the force from you yesterday, Katarin," Gitan began smoothly, "you need to control your emotions more readily—no matter how much 'fun' it may be."

"Of course Master." She said quietly.

"I would not have you giving yourself away to the other side so easily." Gitan warned as Katarin caught his meaning.

"I understand perfectly—I will be more mindful in future situations Master. You need not fear my betrayal."

"Very well my apprentice." He nodded at her, a knowing look in his eye as she nodded, fully understanding his meaning. Effortlessly, he turned from her and glided into the lift before the doors closed behind him, leaving her standing there, hands still folded behind her back. 'Now to walk back….' She knew the rumors would be flying and everyone at that table and the surrounding ones would want to know what that was all about. Well at least anyone overhearing their conversation would think it cryptic enough. Just as Master Gitan had intended it to be.

She made it halfway back to the lounge, when she decided against it. Nothing good would come of her return—and she would only be bombarded with questions. Not that she wouldn't get questions eventually, but she needed time to think first. 'And the gardens are the perfect place.'

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That one moment last night had been so liberating, and now to shut it all down again was torture to Katarin. She longed to feel like herself again…but she could not, not here. Her hands formed an open triangle in her lap as she sat on a bench in the gardens, her legs crossed underneath her, meditating. Attempting to re-submerge everything that threatened to surface earlier.

A smile spread across her face. She was coming to know his warm, soothing presence so well. She opened her eyes and met with the gentle gray/blue eyes of Obi-Wan.

"Mind if I join you?" He softly, almost tentatively asked, nodding to the bench.

"Not at all." Some voice in the back of her head was screaming, but Katarin chose not to listen. She liked his closeness to much to let it go. He sat beside her, tucking his legs underneath him much as Katarin had done. He noted with curiosity the triangle she formed with her hands as her eyes drifted shut again and she dove back into her meditation.

He let it go and closed his own eyes, content in her unique, serene presence beside him. He felt as though what was missing from his force aura came from her—this calm, controlled, almost cool air about her. And he was most eager to have it surround him completely. But still, Lenia's words rang through his head. 'Maybe that's why she is so unique…and so different….'

"You didn't do it, did you?" Obi-Wan suddenly asked, unable to stop himself. She paused for but a second, a thought of recognition running through her mind.

"Do what?" She asked quickly, hoping to feign innocence, but finding a dismissive tone to her voice.

"You know damn well what." He spat back, his voice suddenly devoid of emotion. He couldn't believe it true, but he had heard that thought of hers. 'About Lenia and the force—damn it….'

"Obi-Wan, I did—"

"You did, Katarin. I heard you."

"What does that matter?" She turned to face him, brushing her knees against his as she sat cross legged. "I've been scolded for what happened—or what Lenia said happened. You've searched my thoughts, feelings, heart—did you see that anywhere in me?" She looked directly at him, desperate to break that unreadable look on his face.

"I thought I knew you." He smoothly replied.

"You still do." She answered quietly. Why she was so desperate for his trust again she could not say. A part of her was sickened by it, the other part fiercely determined and hopeful. Suddenly she took his hand in hers and placed in on her right-upper-chest, near her shoulder.

"Look deeper then." Even she was blown away by the sincerity of her voice as she boosted her mental shields. He looked at her, awe-struck, unable to believe she was asking him—'surely she couldn't have called upon forces so dark. She would not be so willing….'

Already having made up his mind, he knew he should have pulled back, but instead searched her farther. The warmth from him engulfed her. Her eyes drifted shut as she became a passive observer in her own mind and feelings. He paused as he glossed over her mental shields, respecting her desire to keep parts of her life hidden—force knows he did the same.

Everything about her was just so…unique. No other woman in the Jedi Temple was like Katarin. A slight content smile spread onto his face, especially as he came across her memories of their meetings since her arrival. He pulled back into himself, letting his eyes open. He met her calm light olive eyes that were awaiting an answer.

"I should not have been so quick to judge…and for that I am sorry." He said quietly, mentally scolding himself.

"I understand Obi-Wan. You've known Lenia for years and me for weeks. It's only instinct." He looked up, pulling his hand from her chest with her hand in his gentle grasp. He pressed it firmly against his upper chest, near his shoulder, much as she had done, as she looked at him in surprise, trying to mask her excitement. She had so wanted the opportunity she'd given him.

"I've seen the inner workings of you," he said before raising his eyes, "least I can do is offer you a glimpse at the inner workings of me." He smiled almost sheepishly, expectantly. And without realizing it, she found something inherently alluring about it. But without a second's pause she reached out to him.

Her presence in his mind was anything but warm, but it was refreshing and most welcome. It was more peaceful and serene in the stillest way imaginable. The image he kept seeing and feeling was that of a crisp, refreshing winter-wind. Just a hint of something bitter but nothing more. He found it almost comforting. Everything he was feeling she could feel. She found herself coming more and more to love the force aura around him—so pure and innocent even. Made her wish to be apart of him…to share in everything he felt.

"Obi-Wan!" Instantly she pulled back, her eyes snapping open as the breath caught in her throat. He looked just as startled as she did.

"Obi-W—," Lenia rounded the corner, a look of shock spreading onto her face at the sight before her, "there you are." Her tone instantly changed in that moment at the sight of Obi-Wan and Katarin sitting knee-to-knee with their legs crossed underneath them, him holding her hand to his upper-chest.

"Yes…here I am." Obi-Wan stuttered around the words, truly unable to think of anything to say. He glanced at Katarin feeling her embarrassment through her flushed skin and suddenly realized he was still holding her hand. He quickly let it go and turned back to Lenia.

"I was really just wondering if you'd seen Katarin around—but I should have known—and here you are." Katarin nodded, a fake smile on her face as she folded her hands idly in her lap. A slight awkward silence fell between the three of them as Lenia met Katarin's fake smile.

"I just wanted to extend my apologies," Lenia suddenly said, with a tone that smacked of being sympathetic when really she wasn't, "I hope Master Gitan kept your punishment within the proper realm and didn't overdo it."

"He dealt with it accordingly," Katarin replied, her voice devoid of all feeling, cold and clipped, "and I am to reassure you nothing of the sort will ever happen in the first place." Obi-Wan marveled at how respectful and collected Katarin was handling it. 'She sounds like a general…or a politician….'

"What do you mean 'happen in the first pace'? It happened! And you've everyone so blind to it—that they don't see you're on the dark side." 'Damn this girl is good…,' a dark voice in the back of Katarin's mind whispered.

"Lenia—don't. You can't prove what you felt was caused by Katarin." Obi-Wan said calmly, sensing the waves of anger and frustration from Lenia.

"Obi-Wan don't listen to her! You'll fall with her into darkness if you do!" Lenia was practically shouting and Katarin bit back a laugh and a smile at Lenia's dramatics. Lenia was reminding her so much of those girls she'd read about in stories who cried out, as though possessed, in order to get women accused of witchcraft—back before the realization of the force. Obi-Wan turned towards Katarin and met with that look of hers so unreadable, so stoic…he doubted even Yoda could know her true thoughts.

"Lenia…I get no such feelings from her." He said softly, turning back to Lenia, whose mouth was slightly agape.

"Of course you don't…you see only what she feeds you. And you believe it," Lenia said in disbelief, "check beneath her mental shields! I'm sure its all there." Katarin had grown increasingly nervous under her words and lowered her head nervously, biting her lip. Obi-Wan looked from Lenia to Katarin in disbelief. That look unreadable was still there, but he could sense some anger…anger and nervousness even?

"Not everyone has a past they wish to reveal to the whole world," Obi-Wan said softly, "force knows I do." He finished solemnly. A deep silence fell between them and Katarin found herself wishing she had words, but could find none—only a wave of sadness passing surprisingly through her heart at Obi-Wan's words.

"Master Parin says a Jedi should have no skeletons to hide…that a Jedi is only fully aware of his surroundings when he is fully open in his mind…" Lenia trailed off seemingly frustrated or shocked, "then Katarin must be turning you fully from the light to the darkness." A note of sadness hinged on her voice before she quickly turned away. Katarin had never seen Obi-Wan looking so lost…so helpless even. And somehow, through the voice cursing Lenia's observant intelligence, it tore at Katarin's heart. Lenia had no right to be blaming Obi-Wan blindly. She had every right to attack and suspect Katarin, but not him. He was about the only one who was innocent of it.

"She had no right to accuse you like that." Katarin heard herself say.

"Nor does she have a right to accuse you." Obi-Wan said pointedly, hoping to brush the conversation away from him, finding pity to be most unbecoming. Katarin blinked hard and shook her head quickly—suddenly disgusted with herself at the thought of lying. He noticed and looked curiously at her.

"She has every right to suspect me…," she started, quickly scolding herself for doing so, "she doesn't know me…so of course she has a right to doubt me."

"No—that's no reason at all," Obi-Wan said, shocked that Katarin thought like that, "you are still a student here and that alone should be enough of a reason for Lenia to trust you and sense that you are on the same side as she." Katarin met his eyes and felt all at once guilty and horrible—much to the annoyance of screaming voices hidden away under her mental shields.

"If only you knew…." She whispered silently, dejectedly as she lowered her eyes from his. A look of such compassion, sadness, longing had never before crossed Obi-Wan's face and he knew that whatever was hidden beneath Katarin's mental shields was putting her through hell. And something deep inside his heart wanted to make all her pain go away—wanted her only to smile and be free from it all. She suddenly raised her head, having her usual composed, stoic look to her face and breathing deep.

"Sorry Obi-Wan, I shouldn't have let myself go like that….shouldn't have let Lenia get to me." She rose quickly, forcing all thoughts of that pained look on Obi-Wan's face out of her mind. 'After all, why should I care?'

"Katarin don't go." He said softly, more pleading than commanding or demanding.

"I must. I fear I will say things I regret if I stay." She answered truthfully. She found herself wanting to tell him everything. He hid real life beneath the surface and hers was only fake…for the most part. She deserved no ounce of his care or compassion, however much a voice in her heart was screaming for it.

"Sometimes those are things we most need to say." He suddenly, wisely said. She looked down at him, her eyes pleading with him beneath her thin lenses. And for a moment she was tempted…tempted to fall into those eyes of his and never return, never look back. 'If only I could…you're all I want…you're everything….' She shook her head, and fled from the gardens, absolutely sick, disgusted, angry with herself.

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Katarin reached her quarters in double quick time. Thank the force Gitan was nowhere to be found.

"Damn you Katarin!" She hissed through her teeth, raking her fingers through her curls. "Almost give yourself away…and all to those damned eyes of his!" 'Those beautiful damned eyes…,' a voice in her head corrected. She shut her eyes, forcing away such thoughts. She couldn't do this to herself. Thinking on him was going to lead to nothing but trouble. Of that she was certain. Besides, clinging and attachments were forbidden…they only succeeded in making a person weak. And weak was something Katarin would never willingly become. She caught her reflection in a mirror, and stared at it, suddenly laughing downheartedly.

"Well just look at me now…." She whispered to no one. She unsnapped her lenses and fell face first onto the sofa. Automatically her thoughts turned back to Obi-Wan. And she hated herself for it.

Around him, she felt as she'd never felt before. It was as though his eyes could look through her heart and see everything. Every time he smiled, a part of her could not help but think it only for her. And ever since that night in the archives…his hand smoothly caressing her neck, his lips teasing hers every so gently…she was pretty sure she knew his feelings towards her. She still wasn't sure he knew that she had been partly awake.

No matter—it kept their relationship from getting awkward. Because out of all the relationships in her life—however much it went again her better judgment—she treasured the one with Obi-Wan the most. She knew that now.

She sighed deeply into the cushion, still trying to nail why Obi-Wan meant so much to her. 'He makes me feel…life.' That was it. He made her feel alive and that maybe, just maybe, her life had a purpose and was worth a damn.

'But I don't need that! He should be respecting me! Fearing me! All these Jedi should. I could kill them quicker than they realize!' Her mind started reeling. Damn this place! It was ruining her and everything she was, slowly siphoning her power away, reducing her to nothingness. 'No more.' No more friends, no more distractions. She'd found her focus, her mission objective, and would not fail.


that's it for this chapter. review if'n ya want. next chapter should be up soon.