Disclaimer: WARNING, the following fanfiction does not claim to make sense, fit within the book, or to be anything other than the creation of a quirky mind. All characters belong to Tamora Pierce's Protector of the Small series.

Author's Note from Erkith: This is the first time I've finished a multi-chapter fic, so I'm pretty darn chipper about it! Thank you to all the lovely ppl who have read, reviewed, and just generally enjoyed this very "eldritch" fic! I hope you find the finale appropriate.

Enjoy!

Erkith


True Love Never Ran So Cold

Chapter Six: Fate of the Lamented Torturer

"I don't see why this is necessary." Neal complained as Kel began smoothing the butter over him. "It was all in good fun and the mission succeeded."

He yelped as it began trickling and tickling down his spin and chest.

"I do." Kel said good-humouredly.

"So do I." Dom's blue eyes flashed with unholy amusement as he abandoned his post against the doorway. He picked up some pepper and blew it into the healer's face.

Neal sneezed a fair symphony of sneezes. A broad grin spread across his cousin's face. "That's more like it!" he encouraged as Neal's eyes began to water.

"I... achew! Hate... achew! YOU! Achew achew achew!"

Kel started laughing and offered Dom the butter-knife and jam, reaching for the feather duster that lay just beyond her reach. She stumbled into Dom and the sergeant caught her with his body and arms – his hands were full.

They exchanged a brief kiss, then shared a smile that made them look rather demonic. They both put down their weapons.

Neal was abruptly very nervous. "Dom?"

No answer.

"Kel?" His eyes widened.

No answer.

Then they moved in on him and subjected him to full on tickling. Neal writhed against the wall, hoping against all hope to find some escape somewhere from two pairs of hands. "Aghhhhhh!" he gasped. "Not... FAIR! NOT... FAIR!"

"Is the wind talking, Kel?" Dom asked, mockingly curious.

"I don't hear anything." Kel returned with an impish grin.

"I..." choke, "did...didn't," choke, "dddddoooo this to yooooouuuuuuuuu!"

And so they say the fort rang for weeks with the tortured laughter and screams of Nealan of Queenscove.

THE END.


A/N: Thank you to all my readers and reviewers! I hope you enjoyed True Love Never Ran So Cold! Look out for a possible sequel in future…

And does anyone have ideas for one-shots? I feel like writing another one…

Erkith

Thanks go to: RunnerNDA, Callie, feifiefofum, Atlanta Enchanted, Bambolieblue, Sorceress Shadow Rain, mistywabbit, Zerrin of the Wind, Lady Angelique of mystiqu, tortall princess, Chios-gal, Dreaming Crow, Lady Shannon Of RosePeak, Padfoot's Sidekick, Wildlace Keladry2005, sparkley-tangerine, lutefa, dancer4eva, FanFictionFantom, The Hobbit Lass, Syl Rose, Sharn, Goddess Of The Moon, Rubber Duck, Anaroriel, and limegirl62

Bambolieblue: lol glad you're enjoying it! Thanks for being such a loyal reviewer!

Limegirl62: lol that's a great idea! I'm thinking of writing another ridiculous fic… would you mind if I used it?

Tortall princess: lol I want to do some more extensive revenge, so look out for a sequel! Thanks for being such a loyal reviewer!

Mistywabbit: lol I'll never forget eldritch! Lol THE perfect word! KD rocks! Lol and who doesn't love Neal? Thanks for being such a loyal reviewer!

FanFictionFantom: Congrats, you got it! Lol, the green magic thing in "Stolen" gave it away right? Thanks for being such a loyal reviewer!

Goddess Of The Moon: I don't suppose you want me write the sequel soon… :D Thanks for being such a loyal reviewer!

Lutefa: GAAAHHHH! The ending of Lady Knight makes me want to throw it off a cliff! Dom and Kel! I mean come on – PERFECT! Lol Thanks for being such a loyal reviewer!

Feifiefofum: lol I only wish I wrote that fast! I promised to update this fic once a week! Because the chapters were already written… Thanks for being such a loyal reviewer! (even when disturbed by jam).

Lady Shannon Of RosePeak: SILLY SILLY SILLY! And very eldritch! Thanks for being such a loyal reviewer!

Syl Rose: lol why does this chap make me laugh (they all do… ; )) you're probably mad because this was short, so I'll just say please don't kill me and look out for a sequel… and do you have an idea I could use for a one-shot? Thanks for being such a loyal reviewer!

Atlanta Enchanted: butter and jam because the idea started with the butterknife… and so I picked spreadables that look like blood and sweat:D Thanks for being such a loyal reviewer!

Wildlace keladry2005: keep an eye open for a sequel! Thanks for being such a loyal reviewer!

RunnerNDA: :D! Don't worry, Neal will suffer dearly dearly dearly! Thanks for being such a loyal reviewer!

Padfoot's Sidekick: I'll get right on that! Thanks for being such a loyal reviewer!

The Hobbit Lass: not a Neal lover! Aaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhh! Run away! Lol naw, Neal's great, isn't he? I was sooooo upset when she got together with Cleon, but DOM RULES! (lol my fangirlism) Thanks for being such a loyal reviewer!

Sparkley-tangerine: lol read your review and laughed my head off! That's exactly what I feel when I write this stuff! For a couple minutes I feel normal! I'll try and whip up a sequel for ya! Thanks for being such a loyal reviewer!

Zerrin of the Wind: lol I couldn't resist Neal taunting them from above "K-I-S-S-I-N-G" lol Thanks for being such a loyal reviewer!