Chapter 5
The sounds from the fountain were so distracting, soothing away insecurities like gentle ocean waves lapping at your toes. Lunch had been nice. She and Irvine...and had been like old times. For the most part. Irvine acted as if things were the same between them, and she had too, earlier in the day...seeing her friend like that, even if he had ignored her before, broke her heart. But he seemed to be getting along just fine.
The rest of the group should be here soon...
Selphie sighed, trailing her fingers through the water, sweeping her hand back and forth unconsciously. She didn't even know what was wrong with her. She'd just fallen into a pit, one that she felt like there was no escape from; a pit filled with nothing but loneliness, horrible thoughts, and fear. The person she used to be seemed but a distant dream, something that she could remember faintly, but once called upon, the memory was too faded to be recollected.
What it was to be happy, truly happy, Selphie had all but forgotten. Everything that she did, everything that she said was an act, an attempt to be "herself." But the real her was far-gone, too fucking gone...
"Selphie? Can I join you?" Selphie's glazed eyes came back into focus.
"Sure Xu, there's plenty of room," Selphie said, patting the cold stone beside her, looking off somewhere that Xu knew she would never see with her own eyes.
"Trabia's going to be ok, Selphie. Don't you worry about it," Xu attempted, sitting too close for Selphie's comfort. If she really wanted to hear shallow, automatic attempts to console her, she would call Cid.
"I'm sure," Selphie replied in monotone, her voice void of any real confidence; Trabia wasn't going to be all right. Everything she had done was just a waste of fucking time, a selfish attempt to regain her childhood. If what she'd been doing had been to help the Garden, or the people there, she wouldn't have left it so helpless, abandoned of trained SeeDs or hired help. Shit, the place had been asking to be invaded.
Xu took in Selphie's attitude, her body language. The poor girl really had no hope left. What had happened to shatter her unbreakable friend? Even after Ultimecia, when they had gone to hell and back, Selphie had retained her perky personality. She had been the one getting people going, forcing people back into the swing of things, not letting her friends fall behind, lost in the past.
Xu placed her hand lightly on top of Selphie's, which was clenching the ledge of the fountain, unmovable. Selphie didn't even acknowledge the contact. "Selphie...? What's wrong?" Xu pried gently. Selphie had seemed fine: fine when Rinoa had found Roane, and started to spend more and more time with him; fine when Irvine and Squall had finally made it official, and Irvine didn't have to sneak around anymore, finally free to be with Squall; fine when Quistis (and Zell) had left about a month ago. Around Xu, she hadn't acted as if anything were wrong, and Xu thought that she and Selphie were close enough friends that she would tell Xu if something were really, truly bugging her. "...What's really wrong?"
Selphie shuddered, and Xu felt the vibrations through her hand, a fine tremble that was invisible to the naked eye. She turned her teary eyes to Xu, determined not to let them fall from naked eyes filled with too much pain. "I don't know," Selphie admitted weakly. She stared off again, with a determined ferocity; this wasn't something she wanted to talk about in depth right now, and Xu knew better than to force it and lose her friend: her friend that had no one else in the world right now. Xu squeezed her hand, hoping that Selphie understood that it meant she could tell her later, if she wanted to.
Xu remained silently by Selphie, lost in inner turmoil, holding her hand and hoping that somehow she could make her happy again.
Squall turned from his co-pilot seat to take in the cockpit, full again with people, but strange. The last time Squall had lead a group had been when they had fought Her, and won. Not since then had he been on a real, full-out mission. And not since then had he had the group together again...there were some differences this time, of course, in who the group was, but it felt right just the same.
Roane and Rinoa were sitting in the seats farthest back and behind the pilot seat. Rinoa was deeply involved in some book, and Roane looked as if he had given up on making conversation, settling instead on an arm wrapped around her shoulder, and an attempt at a nap.
Selphie, situated just across from the pair, sat silently in her window seat, staring out into the fluffy white clouds that zipped by. Squall couldn't help but feel concern for the girl; he remembered how she had loved traveling, singing when they took the train, or humming to herself as she piloted the very same ship they were aboard.
Irvine, who he thought would be at her side, trying to cheer her up, was a row ahead of Selphie, hat tipped forward to shield his eyes from the last rays of afternoon sun that slipped through the clouds. The slack nature of his body made it evident that he, too, was engaged in a nap. Lazy asses.
He turned back forward, settling comfortably into his seat. Esthar, when they had developed the ship, hadn't skimped out on the seating: in fact, in Squall's opinion, it must have been where most of the budget had been focused. He didn't know of any other material that was softer, more form fitting, or more relaxing. He actually sighed a little, contentedly.
"Well, I would say you're in a better mood," Xu quipped from his side.
"For the most part," Squall replied to the pilot. "Is Selphie doing alright, Xu?" he asked. The two women had been sitting together when he had come outside to meet the group for departure.
Xu sighed, hitting a button by the controls, setting the ship on autopilot, before bringing her hand to rub the bridge of her nose. She dropped it suddenly, body slumped forward in defeat. "I don't know, Squall. She...she won't tell anybody what's wrong. Hyne knows we've tried so much."
Squall nodded, but stopped, realizing something. "Well, we have been a little, um, self-involved lately...I didn't even realize there was a problem until Irvine mentioned something." He turned again to look back at the defeated girl, whose eyes were still locked on the outside scenery. They had lowered their voices to whispers.
"Nobody knew, Squall. Who would think that Selphie would be depressed?"
Squall shook his head. "It's not that simple Xu." Hyne knows that he had been there, done that. Depression was something he had just learned to let go of. If Irvine hadn't helped him over that hurdle earlier in the relationship, Squall didn't know how he would have been able to cope with their break up.
Xu fell silent, not wanting to pry any into Squall's past. She knew enough of it from things he had revealed, and things she had learned elsewhere. There was no point in beating a dead horse.
Irvine wasn't sleeping, not really. He had been trying, up until Squall and Xu had started talking. And no matter what they said about gunmen being hard of hearing, he could make out their voices from the hum of the ship just fine.
Irvine hadn't known either. He hadn't been paying attention to his 'Sunshine,' his best friend. He had been off, playing with Squall. In fact, looking back at the last two years, they all seemed a blur: a blur made out of nothing but memories of Squall. Shit.
But the damage had been done. It wasn't only his fault, he knew. He wasn't so self-centered that he would account Selphie's breakdown on his shoulders alone. All the same, it would take who knows how long before she would trust them again. Before she held trust at all again.
Rinoa closed her book, finally finishing the last page. Shit, what was she going to do to occupy her time for the rest of the trip...? Surely she wasn't going to make conversation with Squall. Selphie was so sad, for some reason...
Of course! She ran her hand up Roane's leg, tickling gently from his knee, up his thigh.
He groaned in his sleep, and Rinoa brought her hand to squeeze him gently, and then, firmer. Roane's eyes fluttered open, lazy not only from being tired, but from being horny. He had just been having a fucking fantastic dream, one where he and Irvine and Rinoa had been all together in one bed, bodies coming together in the most fantastic sex imaginable.
Rinoa was biting her soft, full, pink bottom lip suggestively. She leaned in to his side, breath falling hot against his ear. "Do you need to use the restroom?" she asked, hand running up from his suddenly too-tight pants to run underneath his shirt, caressing his stomach.
Roane gulped, swallowing down the lust that had risen to fill his head. He took a second, relearning to speak. "I thought you'd never ask," he whispered.
Rinoa undid her seat belt, and shuffled around Roane's legs, leaving her seat. "Um, Xu?" she asked innocently.
"Yes, Rinoa?" Xu answered, not turning to look back at the girl. She and Squall had finished talking about 15 minutes ago, and now Squall himself had even fallen asleep.
"Is the bathroom door still all jammed up?"
"Yeah, but I know that Irvine managed to get it open the other week, so it's not impossible. Just needs a little muscle."
"Oh, all right," Rinoa said, pretending she didn't already know what had been said. "Roane? Could you come help me?" she asked, making a scene about the whole thing.
Roane swallowed down a laugh, and a sigh. He knew Rinoa wasn't a very suave actress.
"Sure, babe," he replied, following her to the lift, which they took down to the lower level.
"So, how did I do? Wasn't I convincing?" Rinoa asked, twirling around in a circle, a goofy smile plastered on her face.
"You sure were. But maybe you should practice a little more. I think you probably freaked Xu out. I mean, think about it; you basically just asked her permission for us to get it on in the bathroom," Roane smiled.
"I DID NOT!" Rinoa squealed, slapping Roane's arm. "Roane!" she said, her voice going all whiney. "Why do you always have to make me feel like shit?"
"Because you're just too fun to tease," Roane answered truthfully. "You know I'm just kidding."
Rinoa was pouting, her hands positioned defensively on her hips. "I did a great job. You're just jealous because you would never have the balls to try something like that."
If only she knew what had been going on this afternoon..."That's true, Rin, you always did have more balls than me."
"Damn straight," Rinoa nodded with a smile. "Now, let's go see your balls," she said, pulling him toward the small stuffy bathroom, and what was sure to be a good time.
They had landed several miles away from the Garden: they needed the element of surprise. Xu had turned on the active camouflage, and they blended in with the side of the mountain beside them perfectly; the only way anybody would be finding the Ragnarok was if they literally ran into it.
Squall called a meeting in the additional seating area situated below the cockpit. However, the absence of Rinoa and Roane wasn't easy to miss, given the already small numbers of the group.
"Does anybody know where R&R went?" Squall asked, his mouth twitching in the hint of a grin.
"R&R 'went to the bathroom' some time ago, Commander: Roane had to 'help her with the door,'" Xu told him, making air-quotes above her head, telling him that they hadn't gone to the bathroom because of full bladders.
"I could go get them," Irvine suddenly offered.
Squall froze- this was the first time Irvine had actually addressed him, hell, acknowledged him since he had gotten his things. "Su-," he cleared his throat, "-sure Irvine. Thanks."
Irvine gave him a smile (!) before walking out of the chamber to find the two "R"s.
He walked past the elevator, and out onto the upper walkway, crossing it to get to the bathrooms.
As he entered the outer room, the one that held the small sinks and mirrors, he already heard a rhythmic thump-ing sound that Irvine knew had nothing to do with the runnings of the ship. "Make me come, Roane! Do it now, now!'
Irvine couldn't resist. He went to the occupied room, which had its door locked, and used the lock-picking skills Selphie had taught him. Within several seconds, he had managed to pop the lock, and he slid the door open all in one motion, causing Rinoa and Roane to fall out of the cramped area in a pile, Roane with his pants around his ankles, and Rinoa completely naked, her dress lying on the floor, forgotten long ago.
"Shit, shit!" Rinoa screamed, attempting to cover her ample breasts with small hands, and not faring too well. When she finally realized who had opened the door, her face, which had drained of any color, flushed red. She ran and got her dress, pulling it over her head, and Roane stood, pulling his pants up and buttoning them, but not before he winked at Irvine, who had been gawking non-too-obviously.
Rinoa returned to Roane's side, her arms still crossed across her chest; still hiding her body, even though it was clothed. "I thought you were Squall! I thought for sure I was going to be fired..." Rinoa said, shaken. Then her eyes squinted into a deathly glare. "Wait, Irvine! Why did you bust in on us, anyways?"
Irvine reached back and adjusted his ponytail. "Well I always was a bit of a voyeur..." he said, with a small wink. "Squall noticed you two lovebirds weren't there- he's doing mission prep."
"Oh joy, strike number one already," Roane said sarcastically. "Come on, babe, let's get over there before Squall decides to use us as decoys or something." He wrapped an arm around her shoulders, and she, around his waist. He also gave Irvine another slow, sexy wink that made him have to adjust his pants before returning to Squall and the others.
Squall finished quickly, but still made sure that every one knew exactly what was happening. They were going to set out before dawn.
With nothing to do but wait, Squall decided to take a walk through the icy fields and forests that made up the surrounding area.
The cold air bit his skin, prickling and raising Goosebumps along his skin. Squall zipped up his jacket, which put the warm, furry collar closer to his skin. Ah, better. He set out to the tree line, about 100 yards away.
The forest was a little warmer, as the trees offered some protection from the wind. He strolled along the dark paths and the white trees until he came to a small clearing, where the treetops had formed a canopy against the snowfall, leaving the ground clean and naked.
But the clearing wasn't as "clear" as it had appeared at first glance. The shape that appeared to be sitting on a fallen log was definitely the silhouette of a person. Squall turned to leave: he really just wanted to think right now.
"You don't have to, if you don't want to," came a voice. Squall turned back, seeing Irvine leaving the deep shadows, and stopping around the middle of the clearing.
Irvine...
"I'm just going to go," Squall said shortly, and he began to wind through the trees, back to the Ragnarok.
"Squall...please. Stay." Squall could hear the hurt in Irvine's voice, and his heart told him to stay. His mind, however, wasn't so willing. He betrayed you, why give him another chance? His heart disagreed. You weren't willing to love; are you really going to let that happen again? When will it stop?
Squall was torn, pieces of him still hurt from the betrayal, but bits of him knowing that they both wanted to mend things so bad...only, neither he nor Irvine were willing to admit their contribution to what had ended up being their separation.
Irvine had noticed Squall stalling just at the tree line. He didn't think Squall had any idea how much it cost to confront him, and if Squall was just going to walk away...well then, things would definitely be over.
Squall's hands were clenching, he bit his lip, and his mind raced, contemplating every scenario, and the ways they could play out. Could they sweep the past under the rug, and return to what they had, each a better man than before? Was Irvine just going to tell him off again...was his pain a ploy to seek his final vengeance?
Acting on impulse, which, yet again, scared the shit out of him, he turned, covering the distance between them in a heartbeat, grabbing Irvine's face in his hands before attacking his mouth. Where had he gotten this sudden bravery, at least when it came to physical things? Had Irvine rubbed off on him that much? He still found it hard to express what he was feeling verbally...he had never been one for words...but, Hyne, this was still weird- still even freaked himself out, a little.
Irvine suddenly pulled back from Squall's mouth pressed so firmly against his. Squall's eyes were closed, and when Irvine didn't reinitiate the kiss, his eyes opened. Irvine had to see for himself...he had to see if Squall's eyes told him anything more than the kiss had, such as intentions...but Squall's eyes had never given anything away. Always an icy glare: always. It had begun to melt before...before things got all fucked and wrong.
Squall knew that Irvine was searching his perfectly shielded eyes, and his lips formed a small smile, which made his eyes warm up, just a little. They never truly held real warmth, but the hint of some was enough.
"I'm sorry," Squall said simply, working hard to keep the warmth in his eyes that threatened to bleed away, unless he worked at it.
Irvine's eyes widened suddenly, and it wasn't a reaction he had any control over. When had Squall ever apologized, really? It had always been a shrug, or a head scratch, at best. This...new man was such a departure from the Squall he had known, had always known, that Irvine wasn't sure if he had finally just gone crazy.
Squall squeezed Irvine's hands gently, which were held with fingers intertwined at their sides, as if he had known what Irvine was thinking. Wow, this was completely authentic. Squall had never been one to pretend...and he didn't see even the slightest suggestion of a falter in Squall's warm composure.
"I'm sorry too, Squall... so sorry," Irvine said, suddenly feeling much more like the bad guy in this situation. Squall squeezed his hands again, drawing Irvine's gaze from the ground to meet his eyes.
"I think...we were both, you know..." Squall tried.
"We both fucked up, Squall, but I think I made things irreparable."
"That's not true," Squall said firmly. Hyne, he was going to say what he felt, no matter how hard it was. He was sure if he started, he could force himself to finish. "I..." he took a deep breath, the first sign Irvine had that Squall was as bent up as he was. "...I never, really...you know..." He met Irvine's eyes. "...loved you the way I should have."
Irvine's eyes watered at the admission that he knew Squall had had to tear from the depths of his very being, ignoring every warning signal his mind had thrown at him. "I didn't make things much better, sleeping with that...girl." He spat the word girl out, as if it were a curse. He wasn't sure why, but cheating on Squall with a woman had almost seemed more cruel than it would have been with a man. Maybe because it was almost like he was telling Squall that he had no chance, like Irvine had been telling him that he was only interested in girls. The thought had been absolutely subconscious, but Irvine knew that that's what it must have looked like.
"Irvine..." Squall started, bringing their hands up between their bodies. "Can we just...start over? A new beginning?" The two years that they had been "interested" in each other had been rough to say the least. They had fought a lot, and Squall had all but ignored Irvine a lot, not wanting to admit his feelings. With all this newfound courage, though, Squall felt like if they were to start over again, Irvine would get what he had deserved from the beginning of their relationship.
Irvine started crying then, but he was also laughing, so happy that he was hearing what he had never expected come forth from Squall's lips. He squeezed the gunblader in a bear hug, of sorts. "Yes, yes Squall," he managed to say.
Squall had completely surprised himself. One minute he was shut down, not able to say the things he needed to and knew that he should; the next, he was doing things he never expected to be doing, like kissing Xu...
Suddenly, Irvine's stomach dropped, feeling like he had been hit with a gravity spell, his lungs crushed and emptied, his insides turning to mush. Roane...fuck, he and Roane...if Squall ever, ever found out...even with all these new emotions, he wasn't sure if Squall could forgive him for "cheating" again, this time being an accomplice to Roane's infidelity...hell, just being with Roane, who was with Rinoa, the queen bitch of the planet, would probably land him in hot water. As nice as things had been earlier, and even though he and Roane had finally buried old grudges, Squall was too important to him to waste...Hyne, he felt horrible though. Why did he feel so badly for Roane, the man that had left him alone all those years ago? The man that had made Irvine lose his trust in people?
Squall noticed a certain tightness in the set of Irvine's shoulders briefly, but then he untensed. He knew what Irvine was thinking, and he had to agree: this was going to be hard to get used to again.
Roane ran to the hatch, wanting to greet Irvine with a quick, forbidden kiss. The more he thought about it, really, the more he realized how deep his feelings ran for Irvine. They seemed to have never left him. He had really only packed them up and put them on a shelf. And being with him...learning to love him again...the fucking box had split open, and emptied its contents onto the cold hard floor. Every feeling that he had ever tried to ignore, to deny, to leave behind came back, and overpowered everything that he knew. He sighed. Hyne, it was so great to be back with Irv-
His thoughts were interrupted as the hatch opened, and Roane's grin grew into something sexy and inviting. Damn, that cowboy got him worked up.
...What in Hyne's glorious name? Irvine walked into the Ragnarok...with Squall in tow, their arms wrapped around each other's waists. Irvine walked by, without so much as a recognition that Roane even existed.
Fuck. Fuck! Roane kicked the hunk of metal that was the wall, succeeding only in feeling like something was broken. Neither the outburst, nor the pain did much for how pissed he was. Things were just getting good...real good, and Squall fucking Leonhart, that suave bastard, took away his fun.
Uh-oh! Things change again…drama! Usually, by the time I finish one chapter, I well on my way in the next…not so much this time. Chapter 6 is turning out to be a bitch to write- writer's block is so not my friend right now. Anyways, thanks everybody who comments! I love you guys! You keep me writing! Feel free to keep on doing what you're doing…
