I know I didn't get my five reviews and it isn't tomorrow yet, but seeing how I totally forgot to respond to the reviews last chapter (I was being pestered by my friends to hurry up and update), I decided to go ahead and give ya chapter four as apology. First, those forgotten reviews!
Dragon-Charmer16: (She can't review, so she sends me re-mails, e-mails with the review inside) Still can't review, eh? I'm starting to get curious… Kaze, eventually there'll be a third with you in it. I'm planning on writing a quick humor/romance after this is done. It's completely necessary; you'll see why later. Link, YOUR ARM IS MESSED UP, LIVE WITH IT! No, seriously. Somewhere between five and seven it'll be revealed. Thanks for the re-mail!
Mxedcherub: You'll find out later. The guy in the tree is actually quite and interesting character… I know it seems confusing, but it'll gain clarity through time.
CheeseFromJupiter: The best source of reading I've ever seen is that free online Zelda manga… Takes a while to load if you have dial-up (like me) but it's all translated into English by a somewhat fluent Japanese-speaker. Or… you can keep reading this! Yeah, do that! And… can I have some sugar? SUGAR!
JMG: She said it because Wythe was threatening her. And her being the only member left of the Royal Family, she couldn't run the risk of being killed by her evil assistant.
Itsmeagain: Yah, you just reviewed a second time so I could have my five reviews to update. Good thing you did. Otherwise Chapter 3 still wouldn't be up because you guys are stiffs! Where are the oodles of reviews I've come to know and love?
JMG: Why does everyone want to know that? You'll know when you know!
Okay! If you want Chapter 5, better spread the word about this fiction, because I REFUSE to update unless you give me my five reviews per chapter! And you never know when I'm gonna bump it up to say… eight! Or even ten! But enough of that, let's get started! This is the totally pointless chapter about Chinese food! It's only use is to make it a little more humorous! After this, there's basically no humor in the rest of the fic… The humor within me has taken a vacation to the fiery pits of Hell. Bear with me.
Chapter 4: Chinese Food
"Malon?"
"What is it, Link? Can't you see I'm waiting for this butter to melt?"
Indeed, Malon was watching the frying pan intently as though waiting for something to flutter out. There was a lump of butter in the middle, just sitting there. It wasn't melting, but Malon didn't seem to notice. Link inspected the stove carefully, then chuckled to himself.
"Mal—"
"Shh! It's about to start!"
"Malon! Listen! The oven isn't on!"
Link reached over and turned the dial. Instantly the pan began to heat up and the butter started melting. Malon, mortified, tried to come up with an excuse that would make it seem like she was still sane. "It's much more efficient to let the butter melt by reaching room temperature!" she blurted. Link laughed and left the room, leaving Malon standing in front of her melted butter and looking very embarrassed.
A few hours passed, then a few more. Eventually it was sunrise and Link awoke wondering whatever happened to Malon's 'luxurious meal'. He ventured into the kitchen and found her asleep in a wooden dining chair. The butter had long since charred to an inedible blackened pulp. That had, at some point, caught on fire, leaving the ashes of a lump of a charred hunk of butter. Then it looked as though the ashes had caught fire as well, so all that was left were the ashes of the ashes of a lump of a charred hunk of butter. Link growled in frustration and poked Malon to wake her.
"Ingo is better than Link could ever be!" she blurted blindly, then clamped her hand over her mouth. Link stared at the redhead in utter shock. "I'm going to pretend you said something else. I don't know what, just something," he stated slowly. Malon nodded and cleared her throat.
"Well, I was cooking dinner, but that kinda… burned. So, who's up for take-out?" she asked. Link raised an eyebrow at this. "Chinese for breakfast?" he repeated. Malon nodded vigorously. "Works for me," Link said with a shrug.
Malon picked up a phone, despite the fact that there were no phones in Hyrule, and called a Chinese restaurant. "Yes, I'll have… five eggrolls, a large pork-fried rice, two orders of fried shrimp, two pints of eggdrop soup, an order of teriyaki chicken, and five fortune cookies," she requested.
"Okah, ten mineh," the person on the other end of the line replied. Malon, confused as to the meaning of the response, hung up the nonexistent phone. "I think he said 'ten minutes'," she announced to the rest of the group. Exactly ten minutes later, a delivery person arrived and exchanged their food for rupees.
"They sure are punctual!" Zelda giggled. Everyone stared at the queen, their eyes just screaming, "Duh!" Malon began to distribute the food. Kaze shoved a spoonful of pork-fried rice into his mouth happily. He then took a bite of fried shrimp. Then he stopped.
"What's wrong, Kaze?" Link asked, now a little hesitant to eat his own shrimp. "The shrimp… tastes exactly like the rice," the young thief explained. Malon finished off a bite of her teriyaki chicken.
"Hey!" she exclaimed. "The chicken tastes like the rice, too!"
"My eggdrop soup tastes like Malon's chicken," James commented, peering suspiciously into his bowl of soup. It turned out that everyone's food tasted exactly like everyone else's. To confirm this, they blindfolded themselves and exchanged meals.
"Eggroll?" Link guessed as he took a bite of pork-fried rice.
"Teriyaki chicken?" Zelda guessed with a bite of shrimp in her mouth.
"Eggdrop soup?" James said as he ate some of Malon's chicken. He was apparently too stupid to notice the difference between solid chicken and liquid soup.
"I know what's going on!" Kaze shouted, tearing off his blindfold. "They cook one really greasy something-or-other, then they deep-fry everything else in it!" The others murmured amongst themselves in comprehension. It made good sense. So no one really cared what they were eating after that. Until James spilled eggdrop soup all over his clothes.
"Ha ha!" Kaze laughed. "It looks like puke!" After that, no one had any more appetite, so they moved on to the fortune cookies.
Malon was first. She broke the cookie open and read the small slip of paper inside. "It says, 'It's always worth taking the trouble to praise people'." Then she turned to a glass screen from which she could see dozens of people reading over words invisible to her. "I think this was meant for someone else," she said, meeting the gaze of each of those people.
Zelda went next. "'Let the world be filled with tranquillity and goodwill'," she read. "What? That's not even a fortune! And how dare they say something like that in this time of crisis!"
Kaze broke open his golden-brown cookie and a wide grin spread across his face. "It says, 'You will regroup with a friend from long ago!' And she will give you a kiss!" he cheered. Link snatched the paper out of Kaze's hand and read it for himself. "Hey, you made up that last part!" he accused as he reached for his own cookie.
James' eyes were already reading over his own fortune. "Good news, guys!" he said cheerfully. "'The troubles you have now will pass away quickly'! I guess that means it'll be a cinch getting rid of Wythe and his master!" Zelda shook her head. "It say that they'll pass away quickly, not easily," she pointed out, leaving James very disappointed. "Pessimist," he muttered.
Link looked at his fortune and burst out laughing. He fell backwards, holding his aching stomach. Malon reached for the small paper which he had dropped on the floor in his laughter. She immediately began laughing as well. She passed the fortune to Zelda, who also had trouble containing herself. Next the paper was passed to James, who erupted in hysterical laughter. Somehow the little rotation missed poor Kaze completely.
"Come on, guys! I wanna see!" he whined. Finally he managed to wrestle the fortune away from James. He quickly read the small blue letters, then his eyes grew wide in disbelief.
'Made in USA'.
"Oh my good, sweet goddesses!" Kaze laughed, smothering his face in his hands in an attempt to calm himself. When they had all recovered (after about three hours, twenty-six minutes, and… thirty-seven seconds later), Link was the one to ask the question that everyone was wondering.
"So… what's a 'USA'?"
An awkward silence proceeded the query, during which everyone stared at each other but no one said a word. Outside, the sky clouded over and a light rain began to fall. Kaze glanced out the window where he could just make out the Guardian Tree. He smiled weakly. He understood why it was raining…
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I'd tell ya what's gonna happen next chapter, but I don't remember. They go somewhere and do something… And a cookie to whoever figures out why it was raining! Five reviews or NO UPDATE! MUAHAHAHAHA! And I hate depraving you of your updates, so please review!
