Guess what? Shrilanka-San left the computer on again!
Oh, she thinks it's so funny huh? SHE THINKS SHE CAN JUST MAKE FUN OF ME ONLINE AND GET AWAY WITH IT????
I don't care if she gets me nice presents for my birthday!! She has to pay! PAY!!!!!
So I'm going to mess around with the people who actually like her writing (you should read her sketchbooks/diaries. They're totally boring!!). I wonder how many chain letters I can send before she gets back.
Meant2Live: Awe come on! How come you just let her off like that!? Yeah yeah, it's true, she didn't rip you off, and I've got to tell you, when she screamed "OH MY GOD, THOSE PEOPLE THINK I RIPED THEM OFF!" I managed to tape it. Let's just say that there's going to be an extra special bonus on the announcements Monday…heh heh heh.
And how come you like hers? I mean come on, SHE HASN'T WRITTEN TEA IN YET!!! TEA!!! WHY NOT YOU????? Plus corn fields in schools are so much cooler than cults, I mean come on!!
Good luck to Tea! And…what is that, a squirel?
Serenity-Yugioh-Fan05: So you like her writing too? You're fools, ALL OF YOU!! Though I am surprised, Shri really overdid it portraying Joey as an idiot.
Mifurey: You really have it in for Joey haven't you? AND WHY WHY WHY IS THIS YOUR FAVORITE FIC?!?!? My sister's a monster! Her psycho work shouldn't be praised!!
Mizz-Serenity-Wheeler: And you are no better!! Honestly! What is wrong here? How come she's always the well loved one? And about the computer, come on girl just sneak on!! I did, and look where I am n-
Folding chairs. I don't know who invented them, but thanks.
Now to drag my brother's unconscious body upstairs. Man, he really messed up this fic AGAIN!!! And to all the nice people who review me…
Nashida, remember those 'toys' you mentioned? And where's NKitty??
Alright, onto the craziness!
CHAPTER FOUR
If I Only Had a Hamburger (the Food Kind, Not the German Kind)
"I'm hungry!" Joey said as the two continued down the road.
"I know Joey," replied Serenity.
"I'm hungry!"
"I know Joey.
"I'm hungry!"
"I know Joey."
"I'm hungry!"
"FOR GOD SAKES JOEY, I'M NOT DEAF!! I KNOW YOU'RE HUNGRY!!!!!"
"I'm hun-"
SLAM!!
Joey's face hit into a giant sign sticking out of the middle of the road. The sign said 'Warning: Giant Signs Sticking Out of the Middle of the Road'.
"Thank you irony," Serenity said. Suddenly, she spied a sign behind the first one that Joey slammed into. She walked by Joey, and began to read the other sign that was written in bold, red letters that looked suspiciously like blood.
Weak Mortals!!
Do not dare to pick even a single forbidden apple from the forbidden trees of Empersec!! All foolish enough to do so shall suffer the terrible fate drawn from mighty Empersec itself!! YOU all shall suffer!! Suffer I say!! SUFFER!!!!!!!!!!
"Okay Joey," Serenity said. "It says here that whatever we do, we shouldn't eat the forbidden apples of Empersec. If we do, it says we shall suffer great pain o…"
But she trailed off. There, standing under the apple trees, face wet with sweet drippings of apple guts, Joey sat chewing one. A tell tale twenty-eight apple cores lay beside him.
"Sorry, didya say something?" he asked with his mouth full.
Before he could do anything else, an actual tree, its branches becoming two very deadly arms, grabbed Joey's arm, quickly twisting them behind his back. Joey still managed to retain a blissfully dumb smile on his face.
"JOEY!!" Serenity screamed, rushing to his aide. However, before she could do a single thing, another tree did the same thing to her, rendering them both helpless.
"SO!!" bellowed another tree, pulling up its roots and walking toward Serenity. "You dare eat the Forbidden Apples of Empersec, despite our clearly printed, thoughtful, and well organized sign sticking out of the middle of the road??"
Joey nodded stupidly.
"JOE-EY!!" Serenity said angrily.
"So he's the fool??" said the tree monster.
"No!" said Serenity. "Well, yeah actually, but don't hurt him! He's an idiot!! He doesn't know better!"
"Is that true, Joey the Idiot?" asked the tree monster.
"I love you too Mommy!!" Joey said.
The tree monsters anime fell.
"WHO CARES??" bellowed the lead tree monster. "You two are both going to be sacrificed to The Great Forest Fairy of Empersec for trespassing in our land, eating our forbidden fruit, and denying we put up a clearly printed, thoughtful, and well organized sign sticking out of the middle of the road."
"But we don't deny that you put up a clearly printed, thoughtful, and well organized sign sticking out of the middle of the road!" Serenity said.
"-and now for denying denying that we put up a clearly printed, thoughtful, oh, forget it," said the tree monster. "Take them to the dungeon!!"
"I love dungeons!!" Joey said, as he and Serenity were dragged off deep into the woods. The trees lead them farther and farther away from the yellow brick road, the only way that they could find there way to Oz. The deeper they went into the woods, the farther away they seemed to be from their brains and ticket home.
"Way to go Joey!" Serenity said angrily. "Thanks to your usual acts of BLIND STUPIDITY, we're going to be sacrificed to some stupid forest fairy."
"I'm Hungry!!" Joey said.
"YOU ATE TWENTY-NINE FORBIDEN APPLES AND YOU'RE STILL HUNGRY???" Serenity yelled.
"Yes," Joey said.
"Shut up!" said a tree monster, halting in front of a huge, dug out hole about thirty feet in diameter. It had hinges, and on those hinges was a huge, cage-like network of wooden framework, used to keep people in. The hole itself was twenty feet deep, and was guarded by three other tree monsters, each equipped with a deadly looking spear.
"Put them in with the other one!" said the tree monster who was holding Serenity. "Maybe if we're lucky, they'll fight!"
"'Other one'?" Serenity echoed, but before she could say another word, the two were thrown in, and the millisecond they did, the gate was thrown down and locked. They were trapped.
Serenity landed next to the wall of the dark pit, just barely lit from above. Joey…well, he didn't land as gracefully.
"Yay! That hurt!!" he said. "Thanks for breaking my fall Serenity!"
"I'm over here, you simp!" Serenity said, still with her back to the wall.
"Get the hell off me you loser!!!" screamed whatever Joey landed on, shoving him to the other wall with one sharp kick, which sent Joey landing head to the ground, back to the other end of the wall.
"Cool!" he cried. "It's the tooth fairy!"
"You're going to need one if you ever touch me again mutt," said the other prisoner. He was tall, brown haired, and was pretty darn skinny. He slunk to the other end of the cell as far away from the other end of the prison, as far away from the other two as he could possibly go. He put his back to the wall, eyes fixed on the others, not saying a word.
"Uh…" Serenity asked. "Who are you?"
"None of your business, girl," he muttered darkly. "However, since were all about to die, and if you and your dog really need to know, I'm Seto Kaiba, and I have no heart."
"Awesome!!" Joey said. "I'm Joey, and I gots no brain!"
"I bet," Seto growled.
"Happy little ray of sunshine, aren't you?" said Serenity.
"Hey tooth fairy," said Joey, "if you don't gots no heart, than wouldn't you be dead?"
"If you don't have a brain, wouldn't you have absolutely no control over your central nervous system, making it impossible for you to move, much less talk?" Seto retorted. "Of course, under the circumstances, that would be a blessing in disguise."
"Okay then," Serenity said.
"Wow, the tooth fairy sure is mad…and smart…" Joey said.
"We need to find a way out of here!" said Serenity. "We'll never get to Oz now! Now how are we going to stop Pegasus?"
When he heard 'Pegasus', Seto looked slightly intrigued, but he didn't say a word.
"I'm still hungry," Joey said.
"That's what got us in here in the first place!!" Serenity yelled.
"You two are pathetic," Seto observed.
"Big help you are!" Serenity said. "You're stuck here too, aren't you?"
"How did you get here tooth fairy?" Joey asked.
"Would telling you make you shut up?" Seto asked.
---ooo---
YESTERDAY! WoOoOoOoOoO!!!
Weak Mortals!!
Do not dare to pick even a single forbidden apple from the forbidden trees of Empersec!! All foolish enough to do so shall suffer the terrible fate drawn from mighty Empersec itself!! YOU all shall suffer!! Suffer I say!! SUFFER!!!!!!!!!!
"What a load of garbage," Seto said, picking up an apple and biting into it.
"YAAAARGH!!!!" a tree monster screamed a hoard of others at its back, armed with various spears. "HOW DARE YOU EAT THE FORBIDDEN APPLES OF EMPERSEC??? WE PUT UP A SIGN FOR CRYING!!"
"Tell me again and see if I care," said Seto, taking a bite out of the apple.
"You fool!" said the tree monster, and suddenly, Seto was surrounded by huge spears all aimed at his vital organs.
"Don't you dare make a move villain!" said the trees. "These spears are as sharp as cut diamonds!"
"Still don't care," Seto said, chewing the apple.
"Not to mention we're going to put you in a dark pit with minimal room for free movement!" said the tree monster.
"Huh. I actually cared for a second…now it has past," said Seto, still coolly eating the apple.
"Not to mention that by sunset tomorrow night, were going to sacrifice you in a violent and grosstic manor," said the tree monster.
"Okay," Seto said, tossing away the apple core. "I have an issue or two with that…"
---ooo---
"You had full consciousness that you were getting yourself into trouble, and you're calling us pathetic?" Serenity said. "Not even Joey's that stupid!!"
However, at that moment, Joey was listening to a bird chirping on top of the cage ceiling.
"No way!!" he said, and the bird started chirping again. "Your husband's been out with a canary down the road from your nest? Oh…that is so shameful!!"
"Joey, what are you doing?" Serenity asked.
"Talking to Susie Sparrow," Joey said. "Hey, did you know every bird's last name is what that bird is? And if the bird has two words in its name, they just use the last word! Like robin's last name's are 'Robin', and Blue Jayes are called 'Jay'! And yellow bellied sapsuckers last name's are…"
"You can talk to birds?" Serenity asked.
"Yup!" Joey said. "I am well versed among all creatures that posses wing and feathers."
"Curious…" Seto said. "That sounded almost intelligent."
"Who's intelligent?" Joey asked.
"Joey quick!" said Serenity. "Ask the bird to send help!"
"Aw, come on!!" Joey said. "He's filling me in on all the episodes of ER I missed when I was going on my mighty quest!!"
"JUST DO IT YOU IDIOT!!!" Seto snarled.
"Please Joey!" said Serenity. "We need you!"
"Aw man," Joey said. "No episode summaries…but Serenity and the tooth fairy are counting on me!!"
With that, Joey twittered and whistled to the little bird, and the bird chirped back. With that, the bird quickly flew off.
"BYE!!!" Joey yelled to it.
"I don't think that worked," Seto said bluntly.
"Me neither," Serenity said. "Looks like we're going to need extra help…from Ms. Fuzzy-Kins."
"Who's Ms. Fuzzy-Kins?" Seto asked.
Serenity picked up her cuddly plush toy. She then sat her on her lap, and began whispering avidly in her ear.
"Oh great," Seto growled to himself. "I'm stuck between the bird man of Alcatraz and the plush whisperer."
"Okay then Missy," Serenity said to Ms. Fuzzy-Kins, "do you know what to do?"
She then hugged the plushy, and heard a small squeak.
"GO MISS FUZZY-KINS!!" yelled Serenity, throwing the plush out of the prison pit. "GO AND SAVE OUR SORRY HIDES!!!"
The plush toy soared out of the prison, and into the untamed freedom of the outside world.
"We're doomed," Seto observed.
---ooo---
Thus, the sun was beginning to set in the west, and the final hour of our heroes has come. The three sat, hearing the sacrificial preparations underway above them. Having only a few moments left to live, Joey asked a question that had been burning at the back of his feeble little mind all day.
"Hey tooth fairy," he asked. "If you're a guy, how come you're wearing a dress?"
"It's not a dress mutt," Seto snarled. "It's a trenchcoat!"
"I dunno," Joey said. "It looks dressish…"
"Joey," Serenity said, "I barely knew you for nine hours, but…you're a great friend. You're blindly stupid, but at least you're loyal…"
"Thanks Serenity!" Joey said.
Seto just snorted at the stupidity of this moment.
"Alright, you wrenched captives," said a tree monster into the pit. "You are to be sacrificed in ten minutes. If you know any prayers, I suggest you say them."
"What's a minute?" Joey asked as the tree monster walked away. The second he did, Susie Sparrow came back, perching on top of the cage roof of the prison.
"Yay!!" Joey cried. "Susie!! You came back!!"
"Joey, you did it!" Serenity said.
"I can't believe it mutt," Seto said, the closest thing to gratitude.
"Did you get it Susie?" Joey asked the bird, and she twittered happily. Everyone held there breathe. They were at the threshold of freedom. The bird had done it! Slowly, ever so slowly-
-the bird pulled out a hamburger.
"YEAH!!!!" Joey yelled, devouring it in one bite.
"Joey…" Serenity said, suppressing pure rage.
"YOU ASKED THE BIRD FOR A FLIPPING, STUPID HAMBURGER?!?!?!?!?!?" Seto screamed.
"I was hungry!" Joey said.
"Alright," said the tree monster, opening the cage. "It's time to be sacrificed."
With that, each pathetic prisoner was pulled out of the pit. Before they could do a thing about it, they were bound up with ropes the second they were pulled out to prevent them from getting away. At spear point they were marched to the area that would mean their deaths to some bogus deity.
The sacrificial area itself was a huge ring of green rocks, arranged in a huge ring about twenty feet in diameter. In the center of it was a huge, roaring fire, coursing with colors formed from powders being flung into it by a witch doctor like tree monster. She was bedecked in beads and other green rocks, one of her eyes missing, replaced by an eye patch made of bark. The other eye twitched uncontrollably inside her socket, looking like it was going to pop out at any second.
"Well," she said, in a horrible, grating voice. "These are the offerings to the Great Forest Fairy of Empersec, eh? Yersssssssss, they will be perfect. Tell me, is the blond one…stupid?"
Seto nodded quickly.
"SETO!!!" Serenity yelled.
"Yes," said the old tree woman. "An idiot. The Forest Fairy loves the idiots. Now, the ceremony will begin. CAUXTOUS, MAUMAS, ESPURSTATIAS!!!"
"CAUAXTOUS, MAUMAS, ESPUESTATIAS!!!" the other tree monsters cried, waving their great spears about threateningly.
"LABBA BLABBA SOMTIN WHATA WHATTA!!" screamed Joey happily.
"Now, place the idiots in the circle of truth!!" said the old tree woman. With that, once again at spear point, the three were placed in a circle (well, since there was only three of them, it was more of a triangle, but who cares?). In the center of them was placed and empty soda bottle.
"I love spin the bottle!!" Joey cried.
"Now then, we must spin the bottle of truth in the wheel of truth!" said the old tree woman. "Then, the great spirit of soda bottles past will enter its holy vessel, and it shall choose the first to go!!"
"OH! OH!! PICK ME!! PICK ME!!" Joey screamed.
"You moron!!" Serenity screamed. "You don't want to be picked, because when you're picked, you die!!"
"Mmm…pie…" Joey said.
"Never mind mutt," Seto said. "Just keep begging to be picked.
With a horrible, crooked, knarled hand, the tree monster grabbed the bottle and spun it on the ground. It spun close to each person in its horrible circle. First to Serenity, then Seto, then Joey, then Serenity, then Seto, then Joey, then Serenity, Seto, Joey, Serenity, Seto, Joey, Serenity, Seto, Joey, Serenity, Seto, Joey, Serenity, Seto, Joey, Serenity, Seto, I CAN"T STAND THE SUSPENCE!!
Then it slowed. Slowly, slowly, slowly, and finally, it pointed itself to the first victim of a soon to be bloody sacrificial ceremony…Joey.
"YAY!!!" Joey cried.
"Oh no!!" Serenity said.
"Alright Joey," the old tree woman said. "You may think your dead, but as part of our ritual sacrifice, we offer you one last chance to live. If you survive this task, you will be able to roam free and untamed. However, if you get this wrong, your death will be slow and painful. Understand?"
"CHOCOLATE IS FUN!!" Joey yelled.
The old tree woman snapped her fingers. With that, two tree monsters ran up to her, each with a hinged topped box in their hands. They bowed down on one knee, raised the box over their heads, offering both to the old tree woman. She took them in woody claws, holding each out to Joey.
"Alright Joey," She said. "Here is your task. These are the Mystic Chests of Empersec. One of these contains a knife, which you can use to instantly snap the ropes that bind you and live a free and happy life. However, the other chest contains a horrible, poisonous adder, which will instantly bite you, ending your life with a lengthy and painful death. Do you understand Joey?"
"No!" Joey said happily.
"Good," said the tree woman. "This riddle has puzzled the wisest trees in our forest, so you must truly posses the wisdom of a thousand millennia to solve it. Which of these chests shall you choose? Will it be this lovely one with a bunny carved on it, or will you choose the gold and silver chest that contains the deadly adder?"
"Oooohhh….shiny…" said Joey, reaching for the gold chest.
Oh no! Serenity thought. Joey's going to choose the box with the deadly snake in it! He's too young to die!
Boy, he is stupid, Seto thought. I feel sorry for the poor souls who are his parents.
Truly, it seemed as if Joey's story was going to come to a tragic end! His hand was reaching ever closer to the chest that would spell his doom (probably incorrectly to). However-
"HALT!!!" screamed a voice, and the fire at the center of the sacrificial area was suddenly towering over the heads of all the tree monsters. All the tree monsters got down on their knees, including the old tree woman, and began bowing profusely toward it.
When the fire finally died down, there was a mystical figure hovering over it. She wore a gown of green rush, fluttering with great, translucent, rainbow wings which caught every light from the fire, sparkling and glittering. Her angry, green eyes shot a look of scorn and anger-
-and it would be much more threatening if she wasn't only four inches tall.
However, that didn't stop the tree monsters. They bowed over and over again, begging for mercy from their local deity.
"Ice cream?" Joey asked, looking around in confusion.
"WHAT HAVE I TOLD YOU ABOUT SACRIFICING PEOPLE?!?!!?" yelled the fairy. "I told you a zillion times! If you want to make offerings to me, I wanted check or money orders! Don't you people pay attention?"
"We're sorry!" was the chorus of a thousand tree monsters, each one begging for her forgiveness.
"One more slip up like that, and I cut your cable privileges!" yelled the fairy. She fluttered over to Serenity, who was in complete shock of the randomness of this story.
"Are you Serenity?" asked the fairy.
"Yes…why?" Serenity asked.
"Oh thank goodness," the fairy said, pulling Ms. Fuzzy-Kins from behind her back. "Your little friend has been terribly worried about you! She came to me about the whole sacrificing thing. I'm sorry about all this, but I'm glad to see you're all right!"
Then she turned to Joey.
"I'm a little worried about you though," she said, giving him a concerned look. "How long have you had this…brainless problem?"
"My tonge tastes like wood," Joey whispered to her.
"Oh…Kay…" she said. "Somebody cut them free. These people are creeping me out."
"Allow me!!" said Joey, taking out his lucky pair of scissors. He quickly cut the ropes that bound him up, and they slid off easily.
"HE COULD HAVE CUT HIMSELF FREE ALL ALONG?!?!?!?!?!" Seto screamed.
"Huh?" Joey asked.
With that, the fairy waved her hand, and with a small pop (plus a few sparkles for effect), Serenity and Seto were free. Serenity went over and hugged Ms. Fuzzy-Kins happily, while Joey started to suck his thumb.
"Good luck on your quest!" the fairy said, as the two picked themselves up and walked off. "Watch out for the flying, fuzzy bunnies!!"
The only person who didn't leave was Seto, who was tossing an apple up and down in the air.
"Excuse me," the fairy said to him. "You're the tooth fairy, correct?"
"No," he said darkly. "I'm Seto Kaiba."
Mmm, that's not good," said the tooth fairy. "The little plushie only mentioned Serenity, Joey the Idiot, and a tooth fairy. So really, I guess the tree monsters can do whatever they'd like with you."
All the tree monsters smiled evilly, drawing their spears.
Seto then decided to take his leave (IOW he ran out of the forest as fast as he could back to the yellow brick road).
---ooo---
Remember the good old days when you could look out over a creek to watch the water flow and no one would think you're contemplating suicide?
Don't worry, I don't plan to do that or anything, I just thought it up on the way home from school and thought it was kind of funny.
Oh man, it's a good thing I wrote a few chapters of this book before I started publishing it. It turns out if you want to lose all the extra weight from Christmas cookies fast, get a cold. If the decreased appetite doesn't work, lugging home all the extra school work to make up will.
Well, that's all for chapter four. We've got three adventurers down, one to go. Can't believe Seto's actually here…oh well, he's a great character to write about. Just as I think Joey shares my blind optimism, Seto shares my sick and distorted sense of humor. It's an oxymoron I know, but as you know, I'm a weirdo. Serenity shares…practically everything with me I guess. Except the footwear. My parents would never let me wear six inch platform straps. I'm way too clumsy with my normal, average, everyday shoes.
Well, that was a fun rant!
All right…a premiere of the next chapter! Take it!
---ooo---
"Look," Serenity said, giving Seto a very stern 'listen up' look, "I know this is hard for you, but you need to care about this! We can all be in huge trouble!"
"So we lost the stupid mutt," Seto shrugged. "Let the SPCA pick him up!"
"Seto," Serenity said, "can you honestly say you feel safe with the fact in your mind that Joey could have the Ax of Insanity right now?"
"What could a common idiot like him possibly do that can put us in that much trouble?" Seto asked
Wavy Imaginary Scenario Effects
The entire world was consumed in complete and utter chaos. Innocent civilians screamed and ran away from the terrifying beast that was completely destroying their peaceful town.
"WE'RE DOOMED!!" screamed a man, running in terror.
"HE DESTROYED MY HOUSE!!" screamed a woman, hiding in a grove of bushes, hoping the terrible beast won't see her.
"HE ATE MY UNDERWARE MAN!!!!" screamed another guy, hiding in a different bush for obvious reasons.
Suddenly, IT came. IT bellowed and roared, causing all to run and pray for mercy in ITs wake.
"MOO!!!" screamed Joey, jumping dramatically into the chaotic scene. Just for effect, he used his huge, double bladed ax to slice and innocent ice cream cart in half, making the streets run blue, purple, brown, and pink with artificially flavored dairy product carnage.
"MOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!" Joey bellowed.
His cheeks (facial ones) will forever be remembered stained with milky sugar.
Back to Reality Effects
"Okay," Seto said. "I guess I see where you're coming from."
---ooo---
What twisted horrors await our heroes now? What is the Ax of Insanity? WHY DID EVANESENCE START SWEARING ON THEIR CDS?????? HAS EVERYTHING GONE WRONG????????
Well…I dunno. Just tune in for the next chapter, assuming I get a new R and R!
