Like sand through the hourglass, so are the chapters of our story…
Anyway…enough with the deep stuff, it's time to say hi to all the nice people who reviewed me!
TwinSanity
Hey Mani, Mena, Toli, and Jesselda! Great to see you guys again!
I guess we all have our tactless moments…sorry…
But I am totally glad you updated your story too! It rocked!
And Mani, I am so glad you took the time to drop in and say hi! Plus, you rock for donating to help the tsunami fund!
Aw…as nice as it is, you don't need to recommend my story! Its fun enough having all my reggies review me, like you guys!
So glad you like the last chapter, and I hope you enjoy this one as much! And again, please don't hurt yourself Mena!
Mizz-Serenity-Wheeler
Nah, you're not losing your touch!
Anyway, glad you like the story, and I'm even gladder that you laughed like a lunatic reading mine! The Ax of Insanity…none can fight its awesome power…
I am super special glad that you reviewed me, and It's great to have you as one of my regualar reviewers! Henjoy!
Nkitty
I agree. A plush toy was the best conscious I had for Seto. But I have to admit, at first I was a little worried that people would think it was totally lame, but hey! I also was getting worried that Ms. Fuzzy-Kins was getting shoved into the backround as a character, so I brought her back with a vengeance!
The power of '1985' can be so easily abused, especially in the wrong hands…keep an eye on your brother, and also enjoy the next helping of insanity.
Aron
I'm glad you liked the Spongebob earlier. And I agree, it is a classic in so many ways.
I wanted to make Yugi the wicked dictator of muchkin land for three reasons. One is that if Yugi is anything, he's not an oppressive dictator, and I just was trying to keep the story ludacriss. Two is that I wanted to poke fun at the government. Three…well, I thought it up, and to me, it was just plain funny.
Thank you so much for your reviews!
Mifurey
And what's life without randomness?
Have I mentioned how much I love your dances? I think they are so funny!
Well, enjoy this chapter, with as much planned out randomness I could cram!
Serenity-yugioh-fan05
Great to see you again!
I just asked where you were because I missed you last chapter. But yay! You're here! And I loved it when you updated your story! Hope you enjoy mine!
Onto the craziness!
CHAPTER SEVEN
If I Only Had a Crew Cut
SOMEWHERE AT THE HIDEOUT OF PEGASUS THE NOT-NICE WITCH OF THE WEST! WoOoOoOoOoOoO!
We join our dastardly villain at his current hideout, at the very top of Extremely Tall Mountain which always has a lightning bolt crashing behind it for dramatic effect! At this moment, he is enjoying himself, screaming his head off while reading the newspaper and drinking from a crystal glass.
"Your not niceness," an adorable, flying, fuzzy bunny with soft white fur and huge, adorable pink eyes with floppy ears said, "we have just received research from the FBBI, the Fuzzy Bunny Bureau of Investigation, that the said Serenity Wheeler has been seen accompanied by three other travelers searching for Rhinestone City, the capital of Cuz."
"I know that General Fluffa-Pie," said Pegasus. "I'd expect you to bring me more up to date news if you are going to interrupt me when I am drinking my w-ahem, world's finest fruit juice and reading newspaper comics! They are absolutely hilarious today!"
"Sir, those are the obituaries," said General Fluffa-Pie.
"So their foreign comics then?" Pegasus asked.
"No sir," said the bunny.
"Never mind!" Pegasus said. "I even know the names of the other three, which are Seto Kaiba, Ryo Bakura, and…the blonde haired, monkey thing."
"Joey Wheeler?" the bunny said.
"No, I'm Pegasus!" Pegasus said angrily. "Jeez! Now go make yourself useful and refill my wine. I mean alcoholic beverage! I mean intoxicating drink! I mean, uh, fire water! Wait no, strong, no-"
"Fruit juice?" the adorably soft bunny said.
"Yes that!" Pegasus said. "And make it snappy!"
-ooo-
BACK WITH OUR HEROES! WoOoOoOoOoOoO!
"NO!" Seto yelled. "For the last time, Mutt! No, I am not the tooth fairy, no, Santa Claus doesn't exist, and no, HE DID NOT DIE AND BECOME TIM ALLEN!"
"But it makes perfect sense!" Joey said. "You probably just don't believe in him 'cause he keeps skipping over your house."
"Joey, everything to you makes perfect sense," Seto said. "You find sense in everything you do, and everything you do is usually stupid!"
"I think you're exadurating a little bit," Ryo said.
"Lions and tigers and bears," Seto said.
"OH MY!" Joey said, jumping several feet in the air, and colliding with a huge tree branch over him. He fell down to the ground in agoney.
"Or maybe not," Ryo said.
"Hey guys!" Serenity said, as her and the other's continued down the yellow brick road on their journey to Oz. "Good news!"
"Joey's going to die in this chapter?" Seto asked hopefully.
"The hole in the Ozone Layer's been fixed?" Ryo asked hopefully.
"Chocolate pudding?" Joey asked hopefully.
"Um…none of the above," Serenity said.
"Another clearance sale at Target?" Joey asked.
"Joey," Serenity said, "this is much better than discount jeans and bobble heads."
"But I like discount jeans and bobble heads!" Ryo said sadly.
"Me too!" Serenity said. "I mean, check out this stupid one! It's hilarious, and I only got it for a buck!"
She then pulled out a bobble head from her back pocket. It looked just like Seto, only it had fangs and its tongue was sticking out. Joey burst out laughing stupidly and began rolling around on the yellow brick road.
"Wow, it is hilarious!" said Ryo, bouncing his head.
"In a bizarre, disgustingly ugly sort of way," Seto said. Hey, even smart people have their stupid moments.
"Yeah," Serenity said, putting it away, "but anyway, the good news is that there is absolutely nothing ahead of us but open field! No woods, no weirdoes, just open space!"
"How do you know that?" Ryo asked.
"I read it up in the latest issue of Cuz Quarterly," Serenity said.
"I see," Seto said.
"Aw…" Joey said.
"What's the matter Joe?" Serenity asked as Joey dragged himself to his feet after his fits of laughter.
"I want to find the long lost colony of the Amazon Warrioresses," said Joey sadly.
"Joey, there are no such thing as Amazons," Seto said. "They are no more than little figments of your warped little mind."
"They are not!" Joey said. "They're really big figments!"
"I really should have expected this from you Mutt," Seto said. "You're heads about as empty as an Atkins dieter's bread box."
"Alright," Serenity said, "if my calculations are correct, which knowing that we would have a boring chapter if they were, they probably aren't, we'll find the nice, clear area after we climb that hill."
She pointed in the direction of the hill, which really wasn't that tall, but it slopped down into what Serenity guessed to be a valley.
"Yay!" Joey said, running up the hill like a maniac, upon reaching the top, he tripped, stumbled, and then began to roll down the rugged terrain of the other end of the hill, which in total was about a forty foot slope.
"JOEY!" Serenity cried, running up the hill to make sure he was alright. "Are you okay?"
"Ketchup!' Joey called from the bottom of the hill. However, he let out a cry of fright as he was picked up by his blonde hair by a pair of hands wearing leather gloves.
"ALRIGHT YOU WORTHLESS BAG OF DEAD STINKING MAGOTS!" said the very loud voice of his captor. "WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU"RE DOING HULKING YOUR LAZY CARCUSS ON THE OUTSKIRTS OF MY BOOT CAMP?"
"Boot camp?" Seto said angrily, climbing up the hill with Ryo, hopping Joey was dead, but was disappointed to hear he had indeed lived. "I thought you said this was an empty field!"
"But my magazine said so!" Serenity said, holding out her issue of Cuz Quarterly. Ryo took it out of her hands and flipped through it.
"Um…I have good news and bad news…" Ryo said.
"Which would be….?" Seto said darkly.
"T-the good n-news," Ryo said, shaking slightly at Seto's intimidation, "is t-that this article i-is dated for this month…"
"So what's the bad news?" Serenity asked.
"It's dated in the year 1907," Ryo said.
"So that's the reason I saw that 'Why Hoop Skirts are Completely Out' article," Serenity said.
"I hate the three of you soooo much," Seto said.
"YOU DID NOT ANSWER MY QUESTION YOU IDIOTIC SCUM HOLES!" screamed what appeared to be the Drill Sergeant. He was dressed like a drill sergeant, with a huge, wide brimmed hat, sunglasses, and a pair of tall black boots. "WHAT ARE YOU FILTHY WORMS DOING ON MY LAND?"
"Sorry," Serenity said, Ryo cowering behind the two, Seto just sulking. "We just want to pass through, we won't disrupt your camp or anything."
"NEGATIVE YOU WORTHLESS TRASH!" said the sergeant. "THE ONLY WAY I'LL LET YOU THROUGH IS IF YOU AND THE OTHER TALENTLESS GRUBS CAN MAKE IT THROUGH MY OWN PERSONAL HELL!"
"What?" Seto said. "I have way too much pride in myself to join any form of military academy."
"You have no right to force us through it!" Serenity said.
"I don't like boot camp…" Ryo sobbed.
"I wanna snow cone!" Joey said.
"WELL YOU IS NOT LEAVING UNTIL I THINK YOU'RE MAN ENOUGH TO LEAVE!" screamed the sergeant.
"And if we refuse?" Serenity said.
The sergeant snapped his fingers. Suddenly, from all directions, burly soldiers in camo popped out of everywhere, all aiming machine guns at our heroes. All of them put up their hands while staring down the barrels of at least seventy guns, except Joey, who put his feet up in the air.
"SO, I SUPPOSE YOU FILTHY ANIMALS WOULD LIKE TO KNOW WHICH WAY IS THE SIGN UP BOOTH?" asked the sergeant.
All four of our heroes nodded. So began the next saga in this crazy epic story.
-ooo-
"Name?"
That was the next thing the four heard as they stood in line for their equipment and entrance into the boot camp. They were facing a huge, hulking woman, who was about the size of a small car. Basically, she looked like Hagrid from Harry Potter, only she shaved…a little. However, if there was anything more frightening than what they were waiting in line for, it was who was in line first.
"None of your business," Seto snapped. With that, the lady pulled out a paddle and smacked Seto in the side of the head.
"WHAT WAS THAT FOR!" Seto yelled angrily.
"Back talk," said the woman said, promptly wicking Seto with her paddle again.
"WHAT WAS THAT FOR?" Seto yelled again.
"Yelling at me and questioning my authority," said the woman, slamming Seto with her paddle again. "Name?"
"James Oglethorp," said Seto said sarcastically. With that, he was wailed on so hard that he fell to floor in agony.
"Just in case you were wondering, that was for being a smart aleck," said the freakish man lady as Seto managed to crawl back to a standing position. "Now what's your name son?"
"Seto…Kaiba…" Seto managed to chock out. He was clobbered by the paddle again.
"Dare I ask…what that was for…" Seto said, using the desk to pull himself back up.
"I dunno," said the woman. "I just don't like you. Age?"
"Too young to die," Seto said. He got pounded again.
"I'll just assume you're over eighteen," said the lady.
"I'm not," Seto said. He got wailed again.
"I know your above eighteen," the woman said, ignoring him. "Now about your uniform. I assume you're a size…two?"
"What is with everybody calling me underweight?" Seto yelled. "EVERYONE ON THE SHOW IS UNDERWIEGHT, BUT DO THEY GIVE ME A BREAK? NO! WH-"
He got slammed again.
"Suck it up, you girly man," said the woman. "Now then, here's your uniform, and some safety pins in case it's too baggy. You're tent number is 1313, which you will be sharing with your little friends."
"ALRIGHT YOU!" Seto said, drawing himself to full height. "YOU CALL ME A GIRLY-MAN, THIN, AND YOU PUT ME IN A TENT WITH THE OTHER THREE LOSERS, HIT ME WITH A PADDLE, AND YOU EXPECT TO GET OUT ALIVE? OH NO! I SWEAR ONE DAY I WILL PERSONALLY RIP OUT YOUR OWN SPINAL CORD, GO TO THE NEAREST TREE NEXT TO A THRUWAY, AND HANG YOU WITH IT! YOU BETTER NOT SLEEP WITH YOUR EYES CLOSED, BECAUSE YOU, MY UGLY ENEMY, ARE D-"
Seto just got wailed again.
"I hate you all!" he yelled, snatching up his camo uniform and scattering all the safety pins on the ground. He the walked up to the door and slammed it behind him.
"That's a bathroom you fool," said the lady. Seto opened it up again, walked out, opened the door to the outside world and slammed it shut.
"Name?" she asked to the next person in line.
Joey just stared stupidly back at her.
"Name?" she asked again.
Joey still continued to stare completely stupidly at her.
"I can ask you an easier question sir," the woman said.
"I…I…" Joey began. "I CAN'T THIS ANYMORE! IT'S TOO MUCH PRESSURE! TOO MUCH PRESSURE! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"
He got hit with a paddle as well.
"Carrots are vegetables!" He cried quickly.
"Name?" she asked.
"Joey Wheeler?" Joey asked.
"Good boy," said the woman, writing down his name on her clipboard.
"Candy?" Joey asked.
"Age?" the lady asked.
Joey began sweating in fear.
"Sir?"
Joey continued to sweat in fear.
"You're over eighteen too," the woman said, writing that down on her clipboard too. "Now then, here's your uniform."
She laid out a set of camo clothes in front of Joey. He just stared at it.
"Can I have them in purple?" he asked. He got slammed by her paddle.
"What was that for?" Ryo asked. He fell down with a cry of pain as the paddle was thrown at him and he got hit in the head.
"I slammed him for being a complete idiot and I whacked him for speaking out of turn," said the woman. "Do you have anything to say about it doll?"
Serenity nodded no.
"Thought so," she said as Joey struggled to his feet. "Here's your uniform. You're sleeping in tent 1313."
"I LOVE SLUMBER PARTIES!" Joey said, picking up his clothes. Then, he began to do the Happy Dance, which involved what appeared to be a combination of the chicken dance, the Macarena, and the electric slide. He was just beginning to flap his arms like a chicken and shake his but at the same time, when the lady took out another paddle from under her desk and completely wailed on Joey.
"You people are the reason I don't believe in cloning, but do believe in birth control," said the woman. "Now get out you pathetic fool."
Joey then grabbed up his clothes and charged headlong into the door. Seeing that it didn't open, he backed up and slamed his body into the door again. He was just about to do it again, but Serenity opened the door for him, and he ran out screaming.
"Alright, name?" she said, as Ryo very sincerely put the paddle she lodged into his skull back on her desk.
"R-R-Ryo Bak-k-kura," he managed to say even though he was shuddering like he had never been more cold in his life. "W-what's yours?"
"Katie," the woman said.
"That's a pretty name," Ryo said. He got slammed by her paddle.
"What was that for?" he asked with tears in his eyes.
"Harassment," said the woman.
"Harassment?" Ryo echoed. "All I said was that was a pretty name!"
Ryo got wailed by the paddle again.
"Now then, age?" the woman asked.
"Will you paddle me if I say that I'm under eighteen?" Ryo asked. For that he was paddled again.
"Don't ever suggest to say things that aren't true," said the lady. "Now then, I will rightfully assume your age is over eighteen?"
"I JUST DON'T WANT TO BE PADDLED!" Ryo sobbed in terror. For that, he was smacked with the paddle.
"Yes, you're over eighteen," said the woman. "Here's your uniform. You're bunking wi-"
Ryo began sobbing uncontrollably and running out of the room, slamming open the door and not bothering to close it. Serenity walked up to the desk.
"My name's Serenity, I'm over eighteen, and I take a size twelve," she said, cuddling Ms. Fuzzy-Kins. Katie handed over her uniform, and Serenity and Ms. Fuzzy-Kins walked quickly out of the room.
-ooo-
"I can't believe we're all in the same tent," Serenity said.
"I can't believe that there's graffiti spray painted on our tent," Seto said.
"I can't believe Tent 1313's people are called 'The Losers'," Ryo said.
"I can't feel my butt…" Joey said.
The tent itself was fairly large. It was large enough to fit four sleeping bags, plus a tiny bit of room left over for moving around.
"Well…I guess were stuck here for a while…" Serenity said. "We might as well make the best of it, right?"
"Yeah!" Ryo said. "It could be fun! We can swap stories, and roast marshmallows, and steal each other's underwear and hang it up on the flag pole-"
"That's summer camp Ryo," Seto said. "This is boot camp!"
"What's the difference?" Ryo asked.
"Nothing guarantees that you get fed regularly," Seto said.
Everyone was silent for a second.
"I'm not really going to like it here, am I?" Ryo said, rolling out his sleeping bag.
"Hey, it's okay!" Joey said. "We're here, we're friends, so let's just all be happy!"
"Yeah!" Serenity said. "Even Ms. Fuzzy-Kins is in the spirit!"
Ms. Fuzzy-Kins had her uniform on, complete with camo pants, camo shirt, little lace up army boots, and a hat. She looked SOOOOOOOOOO cute!
"Whoa, whoa, whoa," Seto said. "I am not anyone's friend, okay? In fact, for all I care, you're just my enemies that somehow I got bunked in with."
"YOU HURT MY FEELINGS!" Ryo sobbed.
"I'm just going to bed," Serenity said, rolling out her sleeping bag. She then bent down to pull off her platform shoes, but the straps wouldn't unhook. She tried. She tried harder and harder and harder. She was on her back and trying to pry them off, using every ounce of force that was in all of her limbs to try to pull of the footwear of misery.
"Oh man!" she said. "I can't get these stupid platforms off! It's like they're stuck to my feet!"
"MAYBE THEY ARE!" screamed Ryo in terror.
"You are such a baby," Seto said.
Joey didn't say anything. He was already snoring.
"This is going to be a hard one to explain," Serenity said. "I wonder if it's easy to sleep in a sleeping bag with platforms. Good night guys."
"Good night Serenity!" Ryo said.
"Shut up," Seto said.
-ooo-
THAT MORNING! WoOoOoOoOoOoO!
BARBARBARRABARBARBARRABARBARBARBARRABARBARBARBAR! BARBARBARRRABARBARBARRABARBARBARRA!
Seto found himself woken up by two ways; a military trumpet blasting off and a girly scream of fright from inside the tent.
"SERENITY, SHUT UP!" he yelled. "IT'S JUST THE AIR HORN!"
"That wasn't me bone head," Serenity said, managing to crawl out of her sleeping bag. "That was Ryo."
Ryo was completely bug eyed and shivering from shock at being woken up at five AM by something so loud.
"Oh boy! School's over!" Joey said, waking up.
"This is a great way to start our first day at boot camp," said Serenity. "I can almost feel my happiness, dignity, and sanity flying out the door."
"Actually, that's Joey," Ryo said, as Joey leapt out of the tent in his Barney pajamas screaming "SCHOOLS OUT FOR SUMMER!"
-ooo-
Our heroes, after scrambling to get ready to start the day, not to mention fish Joey from the several fights he started running around in Barney Pajamas, began to line up where everyone else was scrambling to as fast as the could. It was an open field, and the all stood in a perfectly straight line shoulder to shoulder. The four (plus Ms. Fuzzy-Kins) were forced to stand next to each other, waiting for whatever horrible fate was to come their way. There was absolute silence. It was so quiet, you could here a fly die. That was, until-
"WHY'S EVERYONE SO QUIET?" Joey screamed. Serenity and Ryo hushed him quickly, Seto didn't care.
"Quiet Joey!" Serenity whispered franticly. "When in Rome, do as the Romans do!"
"BUT WE AREN'T IN ROME!" Joey screamed and Ryo and Serenity shushed him again.
"Joey, it's an expression!" Ryo said. "Please, just be quiet!"
"ORANGE IS A COLOR!" Joey said as loud as he could, just as the drill sergeant walked into the scene.
Serenity and Ryo knew Joey was about to die. The sergeant walked right up to him.
"Are you speaking out of turn?" He whispered evilly.
"Auntie Em!" Joey said. With that, the sergeant took out a huge paddle and knocked Joey out cold. He fell heavily to the ground, everyone shuddered.
"ALRIGHT YOU WORTHLESS BEASTS OF BURDEN!" said the sergeant. "AS LONG AS YOU ARE IN MY CAMP, YOU MUST NEVER, EVER, EVER QUESTION MY ATHORITY! IN METAPHORICAL TERMS, I AM GOD! I AM THE ONE WHO HOLDS YOUR PATHETIC LIVES! BUT YOU MAY CALL ME….Bob."
"That's a nice name," Ryo said.
"WHO'S THE DEAD FOOL WHO SAID THAT?" Bob asked. Everyone took a step backward, leaving Ryo out in the open.
"What is it with people whenever I try to do something nice?" Ryo asked himself.
"ALRIGHT NEW SQUID," Bob said. "HERE IN THIS BOOT CAMP, WE HAVE A RULE! NICE GUYS FINISH LAST! ALWAYS! SO LET ME GIVE YOU SOME FREE ADVICE! NEVER BE NICE!"
"Thank you!" Ryo said.
"DID YOU NOT HEAR WHAT I JUST SAY YOU PUNNY, GIRLY, FILTHY, ROTTEN, STUPID, SMELLY, WORTHLESS, ANNOYING BAG OF MAGGOT'S FILTH?" asked Bob.
"You're bruising my already dangerously low self-esteem!" Ryo sobbed.
"BY THE WAY, GIRLY BOY," said Bob. "WE HAVE A DRESS CODE AROUND HERE, AND I HAVE A PROBLEM WITH YOUR HAIR! SAY HELLO TO MR. BUZZY!"
"Hello Mr. Buzzy!" Ryo said with a smile. "Who's Mr. Buzzy? Is he a friend of yours? Oh, I'd love to meet him!"
With that, Bob pulled out a huge, hand-held buzz shaver. With that, he pressed a big, red button on its side, and it began to vibrate and make a very loud, very threatening buzzing sound.
"HOLD ABSOLUTLY STILL!" he said, "IF YOU DO, YOU MAY COME OUT OF THIS CREW CUT ALIVE!"
"WAAAAAAAHHHHHH!" Ryo screamed, running away from Bob and the rest of the line. So began the very long and very painful training of our heroes.
However, most develop their own individual problem at said boot camp. First came Seto, with his whole problem with establishment.
"KAIBA, YOU WORTHLESS BAG OF DUNG!" screamed Bob in his ear a little while after the whole 'crew cut' incident. "WHY AREN'T YOU RUNNING THE OBSTICAL COURSE LIKE THE OTHER GRUNTS? DO I HAVE TO FORCE YOU TO DO SUCH?"
The obstacle course wasn't really that exciting. It consisted of having someone run through tires, jumping over a sand pit, climbing a wall, and that's it.
"I'm afraid you do," Seto said. "I believe neither in war nor doing mindless athletic skills to heighten one's physical power. It bores me, annoys me, and overall doesn't capture my attention."
"RUN THAT OBSTICAL COURSE NOW, OR I'LL BREAK BOTH YOUR ARMS AND COMMAND THE LOYAL MEMBERS OF THIS CAMP TO TRAMPLE YOUR BONES TO DUST!" Bob demanded at the top of his lungs.
"You can't make me!" Seto snarled.
"I SO CAN!" said Bob. "I AM YOUR SUPIRIOR! WHEN YOU HEAR A COMMAND FROM ME, YOU MUST DO IT INSTANTLY! INSTANTLY I SAY! I CAN, BECAUSE I'M BIGGER THAN YOU! DO YOU HERE ME? I'M BIGGER THAN YOU, I'M BETTER THAN YOU, SO YOU BETTER DO WHAT-"
As Bob continued to yell his head off at Seto, Seto's memory was provoked. This reminded him so much of all the bullies who bugged him after his parents died. They were large, they were stupid, and they wouldn't shut up. Having to protect himself, as well as his little brother, from such utter nonsense, remembering these past events arouse a feeling in Seto toward Bob…BLIND, UNRELENTING, RAW FURRY!
"-SO THEN SKINNEY MORON!" screamed Bob. "HAVE YOU HAD ENOUGH? ARE YOU GOING TO RUN THIS OBSTICAL COURSE? BECAUSE IF YOU DON'T, YOU AND I HAVE A PROBLEM! AND WHY ARE YOU LOOKING AT ME LIKE THAT SON?"
Seto didn't say a word for a second. Then, he simply closed his eyes, exhaled, counted to ten-
-and punched Bob so hard, he flew through the air for ten feet, and buried himself in the ground. Needless to say, they really weren't on even terms.
Ryo had a completely different problem. His problem was simply that he lacked the basic killing instinct. Without inbreed cruelty, he was getting nowhere in boot camp.
"BAKURA, YOU PATHETIC EXCUSE FOR A BOOB!" Bob said, sneaking up on Ryo, who was currently in the lone tiger yoga position, and then screamed in fright at being yelled in the ear. "WHAT HAVE YOU DONE THAT CAN BE CALLED EVEN REMOTLY PRODUCTIVE TODAY?"
"Are you kidding?" Ryo said. "I've done a smart lot of productive stuff! I finally mastered two new yoga positions, I've read four chapters in All American Girl, and I perfected my home made and environmentally safe weed killer formula! The secret ingredient, it turns out, is Joey's-"
"YOU HAVE DONE ABSOLUTLY NOTHING WORTHWHILE YOU FREAK!" said Bob. "APPARENTLY I NEED TO SHOW YOU HOW IT'S DONE SO YOU WON'T BE A COMPLETE LOSER DORK! NOW THEN, WE'LL START YOU OFF WITH SOMEHTING EASY…"
Bob looked all around for the perfect thing for Ryo to do. He looked, and on a nearby tree, he saw a pretty little butterfly opening and closing its wings.
"ALRIGHT BAKURA!" Bob said. "YOUR FIRST ASSIGNMENT! I WANT YOU TO KILL THAT-"
"Oh, blimey!' Ryo said. "Do my eyes deceive me? A rare North American Eastern Swallowtail Zebra Butterfly! Oh, isn't she absolutely gorgeous?"
With that, he reached into the back pocket of his camo pants and pulled out a digital camera.
"Now hold still you beautiful little creature!" he said, adjusting the lens on his camera. "You'll look absolutely fabulous in my digital scrapboo-AAAAAHHHH!"
Before he could say another word, Bob whipped out a huge bazooka gun and incinerated the entire tree with a huge, echoing BANG! What was left of the butterfly, or the entire tree for that matter, was a black, smoldering crater and a charred up stump that was still smoking.
"You…heartless brute…" Ryo managed to choke between tears.
Ms. Fuzzy-Kins problem at boot camp was very simple. She was a plush toy.
"FUZZY-KINS, YOU WIMPY, WORTHLESS CREATURE!" screamed Bob, who was glaring right into Ms. Fuzzy-Kins's little button eyes. "WHY ARE YOU JUST STANDING THERE? I CANNOT TOLERATE USELESS SLACKERS THAT ARE MENT TO BREATH MY AIR AND OCCUPY MY TURF!"
Ms. Fuzzy-Kins stared right back at Bob, not saying a single word.
"ANSWER ME NOW YOU IDIOTIC EXCUSE FOR A….THING!" yelled Bob. Ms. Fuzzy-Kins did absolutely nothing.
"ARE YOU DEFYING ME?" said Bob. "AM I GOING TO HAVE TO GET UGLY?"
Due partially to gravity, partially to karma, Ms. Fuzzy-Kins's head slipped down just a little bit, making it look like she was nodding coolly.
"ALRIGHT THEN, I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOU!" said Bob. "FIFTY PUSH UPS! NOW!"
Gravity/karma kicked in again, and Ms. Fuzzy-Kins fell right down on her plush stomach, not doing a single thing more.
"OH, I SEE!" said Bob. "YOU THINK YOU'RE TOUGH HUH? YOU THINK YOU'RE ALL THAT HUH? WELL YOU CAN JUST SIT THERE ALL DAY, BECAUSE NO ONE IS COMING TO GET YOU! D'YOU HEARS ME? NO OOOOOOOONNNNNNEEEEEEE!"
Ms. Fuzzy-Kins continued to sit there.
Last came Serenity, who, no matter what she did, never pleased Bob.
"SERENITY YOU GIRLY WHIMP!" said Bob. Serenity wasn't really offended.
"WHY DO MY INSULTS NOT WORK ON GIRLS?" he asked. "ALRIGHT GIRL! WHY ARE YOU WEARING A CAMO DRESS INSTEAD OF PANTS LIKE YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO?"
"Uh…my platforms are stuck to my feet…" Serenity said, knowing that the truth was ten times stupider than any lie she can think up.
"THAT'S PATHETIC!" yelled Bob. "FIFTY PUSH UPS NOW!"
"Great," Serenity said, starting her fourth set of push ups just this morning.
"You…too?" Ryo managed to choke next to Serenity, who was doing his ninth set of push ups this morning. Out of complete exhaustion, Ryo collapsed on the ground.
"BAKURA!" Bob screamed. "COLLAPSING ISN'T ALLOWED IN MY BOOT CAMP! FIFTY MORE PUSH UPS!"
Ryo burst into tears.
Ironically, instead of completely failing like the others, Joey actually excelled under the command of Sgt. Bob.
"WHEELER, DESTROY THAT TREE!" said Bob.
"Yay!" Joey said, using his bazooka gun that he got to blow up a tree.
"WHEELER, DESTROY THAT ROCK!" said Bob.
"Yay!" Joey said, using it to incinerate a rock.
"WHEELER, DESTROY THAT INNOCENT PLASTIC ZIPLOC CONTAINER!" commanded Bob.
"Yay!" Joey said, doing just that.
"DARN IT JOEY!" said Bob. "YOU ARE THE BEST SOLDIER IN THIS ENITRE FLIPPING CAMP! CONGRATULATIONS!"
"Really?" Joey said, tears in his eyes, never hearing the words 'congratulations' in his entire life.
"YOU BET!" said Bob.
Joey burst into tears, overwhelmed with joy of the moment.
"AS YOUR REWARD," Bob said. "YOU GET TO SIT AT THE COOL TABLE AT DINNER TONIGHT, AND YOU GET TO EAT THE ACTUALLY EDIBLE FOOD!"
"FOOD! YAY!" Joey said.
And what of Serenity, Ryo, and Seto do you ask?
-ooo-
"Potato peeling?" Seto asked. "Oh, come on! That is so cliché!"
The three were indeed sitting in the middle of a huge mountain of Golden Idaho potatoes, and each one was peeling them with little knives they got. After the hardships they had weathered that day, all of them were thoroughly miserable peeling away.
"I've never felt so…disciplined…" Ryo said tears rolling down his eyes.
"Oh Ryo…its okay…" Serenity said.
"No, it's not that…" Ryo said. "It's just…the potatoes! THEY LOOK SO SA-AD! WAAAAAHHHHH!"
"YOU WILL NOT BREAK ME BOB!" screamed Seto at the top of his lungs. "YOU WON'T! YOU WON'T! YOU WON'T! MUAH HA HA HA HA HA HA HAHH!"
Ryo and Serenity both stared at Seto in shock.
"Um, sorry," Seto said. "Pent up emotions."
"Ee-yah," Serenity said. "I wonder what Joey's doing right now?"
-ooo-
Joey, in celebration at finding his own place at the cool table of the boot camp with the other idiots, was doing the most heinous, dirty ritual a man can perform…THE MOOSE DANCE!
The moose dance is just like a car wreck. Any sane and dignified person wants to turn away from the horror, but it is to no avail. You just can't. The moose dance consisted of putting your hands over your ears to make it look like horns. Then, you get up on a table and spin around singing the following lyrics.
I'm a moose, I'm a moose,
I am into Dr. Seuss
My white shirt's white, my blue jean's blue
My jacket is chartreuse
I'm a moose, I'm a moose
A two card is called a deuce
In the summer I wear flip flops
In the winter I wear boots.
I'm a moose, I'm a moose
I'm related to a goose
Now, come and see what happens
When my leather belt gets loose, OIY!
With that, Joey pulled off his leather belt in one move, and his pants fell down as everyone got a glimpse of his 'Hello Kitty' underwear.
-ooo-
"I'm sure he's happier than us!" Seto said. "He's eating at the cool table!"
"Seto, have you heard the term 'ignorance is bliss'?" Serenity asked.
"Good point," Seto said.
"He's eating at the cool table?" Ryo asked in shock. "I don't get it! What does he have that the rest of us don't have?"
"A negative IQ?" Seto said. "No taste in clothes? A stupid New York accent? Blonde hair? In your case, skin pigments?"
"ALRIGHT YOU PATHETIC LOSERS!" said Bob, walking into the kitchen. "IT'S TIME FOR YOU TO GET IN YOUR BUNKS!"
"No dinner?" Ryo asked.
Bob laughed like he heard the funniest joke in the world, and continued to as he walked right out of the kitchen, the door swinging closed behind him, still swinging back and forth a few times more. Ryo then looked down at the potato he finished peeling. He took a bite out of it, and then had a look of being terribly repulsed. He tried to fight it away.
"Oh my," he said, trying to hide his pain and disgust. "That's…good fiber."
"Come on Ryo," Serenity said in depression as she picked herself up, as did Seto as they headed back to their tent.
As she walked out of the mess hall with the other two, her eyes were down cast at the misery of her current location. She then, having her eyes downcast, saw Ms. Fuzzy-Kins lying on the ground, looking sad in a cute, plushy sort of way.
"Hard day, huh Miss?" said Serenity, picking up Ms. Fuzzy-Kins and taking her back to the tent.
-ooo-
"Hey," Joey said to the other three, who were all lying exhausted in their sleeping bags. "How come youz guys weren't at dinner?"
"We were peeling innocent potatoes," Ryo said. "And Serenity kept beating people up."
"Well what was I supposed to do?" Serenity cried. "This place is full of men who haven't seen a woman in God knows how long! I had six people whistle at me today, and one of them was in his underwear!"
"He's not lying face down in a ditch somewhere, is he?" Ryo asked in panic.
"No, just by his underwear on a fence post," said Serenity. "Well, I think its safe enough to use the shower…"
"That's the only redeeming quality of this place," Seto said. "It has clean bathrooms."
"Clean bathroom!" Serenity said angrily. "And it happens to be the men's room!"
"I love bathrooms…" Joey said.
"Well…see you in a bit," Serenity said, walking out of the tent.
There was silence for a second. Without Serenity around as peacekeeper, the other three plus Ms. Fuzzy-Kins didn't know what to make of each other.
"So…uh…" Ryo said. "What do you want to do?"
"Go to sleep, and hopefully die before I wake," Seto said.
"Wash my underwear!" Joey said.
"With a pair on?" Ryo asked.
"Huh?" Joey asked.
"Never mind," Ryo said. "I'm just going to knit oven mitts for underprivileged telemarketers in a secluded spot where nothing natural or man made can force me into a painful, long, agonizing death. G'bye!"
With that, whistling 'Old Mac Donald Had a Farm', Ryo walked outside and into the night.
"Well, it looks like it's you and me tooth fairy!" Joey said. "TIME TO WASH MY UNDERWEAR!"
"Good night, and I take back the good," Seto said.
"JOEY WHEELER!" screamed Bob, walking into Joey's tent. "GET INTO MY OFFICE NOW!'
-ooo-
Whoops! Looks like Joey's really in for it this time!
Ah, truth be told, I really don't think this is my favorite chapter. The next one should be really good though! We've got the best plot. A plot so sinister, a plot so horrifying, a plot so terrifically bad that it will actually force Joey and Seto TO WORK TOGETHER!
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Okay…I'll stop.
No people, I do not own 'Old Mac Donald Had a Farm' or anything that involves Barney or Tim Allen or the Revered Al Sharpton. However, I own full legal entitlement of 'The Moose Dance', and ripping me off will land you up to twenty years in jail with a 30,000 fine.
Ha! Not really, but still. The law won't punish you, but your conscious will.
Anyway…anything else? Nothing but the usual. Questions/comments/death threats? Review me!
Okay, next chapter, chop chop!
-ooo-
"AAAAAAAAHHHH!" screamed Serenity, throwing open the flap to the tent and screaming at the top of her lungs, dripping wet and wearing nothing but her towel and platforms.
"AAAAAAAAAHHHHH!" Seto screamed, for obvious reasons.
"Oh Seto, it was absolutely horrible!" Serenity cried.
"I'm not cuddling Ms. Fuzzy-Kins!" Seto said, throwing Ms. Fuzzy-Kins to the other side of the room.
"I was just getting out of the shower, I had put on a towel, and this psycho came out of nowhere and grabbed my ANKLES!" Serenity cried.
"I'm not reading The Da Vinchi Code!" Seto said, putting the book under his sleeping bag.
"It was like he wanted to tear off my own feet!" Serenity said. "He was a complete freak, and I kicked him in the ribs to get him off me, and he flew through six straight walls and landed who-knows-where, but it was traumatizing just the same!"
"I'M NOT LISTENING TO KELLY CLARKSON ON A PINK BOOM BOX WITH PRETTY FLOWERS!" Seto said, tearing up the boom box and hurling it out the exit.
-ooo-
I'll see you next week…mua ha ha ha ha!
