Life is a beach, love is a battlefield, hatred is a…um, public restroom? I'm working on it.

HAPPY BELATED VALENTINES DAY EVERYBODY!

Yeah, I was going to say it last chapter, but I forgot, like I usually do, so oh well. HAPPY PRESIDENTS DAY TOO! Okay, enough holidays! TGIF and Review time!

Mizz-Serenity-Wheeler

Hey! Great to see you again!

Sugar rush? Not Ryo returned? Or something else?

If you thought Joey had no common sense in our last chapter, you will be laughing out of your skull what comes up in this chapter! I hope…

Anyway, that is a very nice little phrase, and I am still totally psyched about you doing the Princess Diaries! I keep checking your URL to see if you put it out, and I can't wait to see how it turns out. And take you're time with the hilarity. I'd rather have a timely and hilarious chapter than a quickly done and icky one, as I'm sure everyone else on the planet would. But I'm totally sure you'll do a great job!

Nkitty

YAY! I missed you last chapter!

Oh gosh. Destroying Anime and sugar highness? RUN KITTY RUN!

I'm so glad you took the time to say hi though! Glad you liked it, and I hope you like this chapter as much!

Serenity-yugioh-fan05

I missed you too!

Who doesn't like muffins? My personal favorite is the ones that you get at Tops that are these huge blueberry ones that just came out of the oven and are glazed with sugar on the top and…oh god, I'm drooling on the keyboard!

Anyway, I can't wait for the next chapter coming up! H'enjoy this one!

TwinSanity

HI GUYS!

Totally, totally, and I know I said this before but I TOTALLY loved your story update!

JESSELDA LAUGHED! Oh dear, I need to call Ripley's Believe it or Not.

Where do I get the ideas? Well, I have two versions actually…

UNTRUE VERSION: Upstairs in the hall closet, to the right of the bathroom is a mystical portal to a dimension parallel to ours called…RANDOMLAND! In Randomland, everyone does crazy, topsy turvy things for no good reason at all, nothing makes sense, and everyone screams their head off for no good reason. Anyway, Randomland has a great and powerful king. Thanks to good diplomatic relationships (and a huge wad of cash), me and the king are best friends, and every week, he provides me insane ideas for my story.

TRUE VERSION: I have absolutely no clue. I think it has something to do with how much sugar I've consumed in combination with how many episodes of The Grim Adventures of Billy and Mandy and The Nanny reruns I've watched.

Anyway, thank you so much to everyone! ENJOY THIS CHAPTER ONE AND ALL!

Onto the craziness!

CHAPTER NINE

If I Only Had a Norwegian Butt Duck (Don't Ask)

In a blind fury of blind loyalty to protect possibly the only person who wouldn't be embarrassed to call him her friend, Joey rushed to Serenity's cry of fright to see that…she was completely okay.

"YOU SCREAMED LIKE YOU WERE ABOUT TO BECOME A WALL ORNAMENT AND YOU'RE OKAY?" Seto asked.

"Yeah, well, this guy is a wimp…" Serenity said. "And you saw what I did to those weirdo boys-"

"YOU'RE OKAY!" Joey sobbed in relief, falling to Serenity's feet and crying great stinkin' tears of joy.

"So what happened?" Seto asked, not really caring.

"Well, I was just going to get a drink of water, when suddenly, the psycho re-appeared to go after, I know this is weird, but my ankles again with a huge ax! All I saw was a flash of gold and steal, I kicked him, and…that's it. I was screaming because when I went to the water fountain, it squirted me in the face."

"Oh," Seto said.

"YOU'RE ALIVE!" Joey cried, gasping between sobs, then falling to the ground again in sweet happiness.

"Uh, Joey," Serenity said. "Don't you think you're going a little overboard?"

"Fish?" Joey asked, suddenly stopping his painful sobs.

"Uh…yeah, that," Serenity said. "So Seto, how did your stake out go?"

"Incredibly poor," Seto said. "All I know about Ryo is that he's a girly man who seriously needs a good hobby."

"Oh really," Serenity said. "Then how come I found a bag hidden by your sleeping bag containing two Sara McLachlan CDs, Christina Aguilera's latest, The DaVinchi Code, and seven volumes of Girl Got Game?"

"THAT WAS PRIVATE!" Seto yelled.

"Well, bedtime," Serenity said.

-ooo-

So, the three trouped back to the tent, a hard day of wear and tear on their backs, and no sign of relief anytime soon. Joey was, quite possibly, the only one of his troop to excel at boot camp. All the others were just sinking farther and farther under. Even Joey's blind stupidity couldn't comfort them.

"Joey, you don't sleep in this tent anymore, remember?" Serenity said. "You get a better one, with nice beds and not manic bunkmates and actual…things."

"Huh?" Joey said.

"Go back to your tent you stupid idiot!" Seto snarled.

"Is the tooth fairy mad at me for being alive again?" Joey said. "Wow! I can not tell you how often that h-"

"SCREAMING PIXIES!" yelled Serenity. She stared in shock at the horrible sight inside the tent. There, sticking out in plain sight from the folds of Ryo's sleeping bag, was a huge, sharpened ax, along with Ryo's Fuzzy Kitty day planer opened to a particularly horrifying page written in red sharpie.

"'Today,'" Seto read from the book. "'Do laundry, write thank you notes, KILL SERENITY?"

"I dink I'm gonna puke," Joey said.

"Okay," Serenity said. "We can't panic. This is probably just one, big, misunderstanding."

"How can it be a misunderstanding?" Seto said. "It's in black and white! Ryo wants to kill you!"

"Only five minutes ago you were calling him a girly man!" Serenity said.

"I bet he knew we were stalking him, and acted out the whole thing just to throw us off!" Seto said.

"I BET HE'S NOT EVEN POLISH!" Joey screamed in rage.

"British," Seto corrected.

"I am not!" Joey said.

"I hope you know, both of your idiot sides are showing," Serenity said.

"I'M TELLING!" Joey said, running off to Bob's office.

"Joey! Come back!" Serenity said, chasing after him. Seto, not wanting to miss out on the pain that was coming up next, quickly followed.

-ooo-

"-and so, in conclusion, my associates believe that Ryo is trying to kill me," Serenity said. "I, of course, am not convinced, for one of them is an idiot, and the other just wants to get him in trouble."

"WELL, THIS IS A VERY INTERESTING SITUATION YOU HAVE HERE!" said Bob. "NEVER, IN THE HISTORY OF MY PRESTGIOUS CAMP HAS ANYONE BEEN ATTACKED BY A PSYCHO ON GROUNDS! THE ONLY WAY TO PROPERLY PUNISH THIS BEHAVIOR IS-DARN IT WHEELER! PUT THAT AX DOWN!"

Joey had once again taken the huge, double sided battle ax off the display case over Bob's desk and began swinging it around for no good reason at all. Bob was still recovering from the last antics of Joey the Idiot, for his desk was barely patched up with a bunch of two-by-fours and some nails.

"Aw, come on!" Joey said. "What could happen?"

At the moment he finished saying the previous sentence; Joey tossed the ax over his shoulder. The ax then flew into the air and lodged itself into the ceiling, hacking through the support of a hanging light fixture over the sergeant's desk. The light fixture came crashing down, colliding with the desk and completely popped off all the four by fours, causing the desk to split in half again. The shock from the crash jarred the ax loose, and it came down on top of the light fixture, completely destroying it, and causing the room to go pitch black.

"Joey, even though it's been said, many times, many ways, you are such an idiot," Seto said.

"I MUST AGREE WITH THE TWIG BOY!" said Bob, pulling out a flashlight.

"Oh yeah?" Joey said. "Well, one day, you'll be sorry, because I'll grow up to be…PRESIDENT!"

Wavy Imaginary Scenario Effects

"Mr. President," said a member of the secret service agency to Joey, who was drawing pictures of puppies at his huge, presidential desk in the Oval Office, "I have just gotten back from the joint session of the House and Senate."

"And?" Joey said, sticking a pencil up his nose.

"All states except for Texas and Rhode Island denied your proposition to give every citizen of America a purebred female Appaloosa," said the suit. "They call it on the grounds that not only it would put an enormous strain on horse breeders in America, but it would throw the economy in trillion dollar debts."

"So what?" Joey said, putting a crayon up his other nostril. "Horseys are cool!"

"They also denied the proposition to invade your own country," said the suit. "They call that one just plain stupid."

"Oh come on, look at us!" Joey said. "Our government is controlled by the rich, the media manipulates the people, and we don't give free refills on Big Macs at Burger King! WE MUST LIBERATE THE PEOPLE!"

There was a little beeping sound coming from the suits watch.

"One 'o clock," said the suit. "It's time for your warm milk and fresh baked sugar cookies Mr. President."

"ALRIGHT!" Joey said, shooting the crayon and pencil out of his nose, stabbing the suit in the forehead with the pencil and causing the crayon to crash straight through the solid oak door. "LAY THEM ON ME!"

Back To Reality Effects

"God Forbid," Seto said.

"Wait a second," Serenity said, digging the ax that Joey threw out of Bob's desk. She gave it a quick look over, and then gasped in fright of her discovery.

"WE'VE HAD THE WRONG MAN!" she cried.

"ALRIGHT! I CONFESS!" Joey screamed. "IT WAS ME! I WAS THE ONE WHO STOLE THE BASEBALL DIAMOND! DO WITH ME AS YOU WANT!"

Seto slapped Joey.

"FINLAND!" Joey cried.

"Uh…anyway," Serenity said. "I've figured it out! Ryo doesn't want to kill me! It was…THE BUTLER!"

Everyone stared at her.

"Sorry, I MEAN BOB!"

"MS. WHEELER, HOW DARE YOU MAKE SUCH AN ACCUSATION?" Bob screamed.

"It makes perfect sense," Serenity said. "Ryo has absolutely no motive against me at all!"

"NIETHER DO I!" Bob yelled.

"Not quite, but I'll get to that," Serenity said. "The first evidence we have against you is that when the psycho attacked me, I saw a flash of gold and silver. When I happened to locate the ax that was supposedly used by Ryo to attack me, it turns out that that ax was just iron, no gold involved. However, this ax has a gold monogram with your name on it!"

"SO WHAT?" Bob asked. "YOU COULD HAVE JUST BEEN IMAGINING THINGS!"

"Which brings me to my second piece of evidence," said Serenity, pulling out the page of Ryo's day planner that said Ryo wanted to kill her. "According to this page, 'kill Serenity' was written in what appears to be red sharpie."

"SO WHAT?" Bob asked.

"Ryo's allergic to red sharpie!" Serenity said. "I read it in his diary!"

"You read his diary?" Joey asked.

"I was bored, and Seto had The DaVinchi Code," Serenity said.

"I DID NOT!" Seto screamed.

"Finally, the most conclusive evidence of all, you have an 'I Am Totally Evil And I Work For Pegasus The Not Nice Witch Of The West' wall hanging."

She pointed to the wall behind his desk, and indeed, there was an 'I Am Totally Evil and I Work for Pegasus the Not Nice Witch of the West' wall hanger.

"Wow, you think we would have noticed that," Seto said.

"Huh?" Joey asked.

"But there's one thing I don't get," Seto said. "What motive does Bob have against you?"

"Simple," Serenity said. "Since he works for Pegasus, he wants to hack off my Ruby Platform Straps and give them to Pegasus!"

"GAAAAHHHH!" Bob screamed. "I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU FOUND IT OUT! I THOUGHT IT OUT SO CAREFULLY!"

"No you didn't," Seto said.

"YES I DID!" Bob screamed.

"No you didn't."

"YES I DID!"

"No you didn't."

"YES I DID!"

"No you didn't."

"YES I DID!"

"No you d-"

"ALRIGHT, SO THIS COULD HAVE BEEN PLANED A LITTLE BETTER," Bob said. "HOWEVER, THIS LAST PLAN I HAVE IS SURE TO DO THE TRICK!"

"I don't get it," Joey said.

"GET THIS!" screamed Bob. With that, he pulled open his desk drawer from the half that was closest to him, and he pulled out a magic wand with a cute little golden star at the end.

"Still don't get it," Joey said.

"WE GOTTA GET OUTTA HERE!" Serenity screamed, grabbing Joey and running out the office door, Seto following behind the two. They were just about to escape to find Ryo, when-

"OW!" Joey screamed, running headfirst into a magical wall, conjured up by Bob. It was shiny and see-through, and it looked like misty glass.

"This is so no good," said Serenity.

"ALRIGHT!" screamed Bob, karate kicking through the door to his office, sending splinters flying everywhere, pulsing with magical power. "NOW IT'S TIME FOR YOU THREE TO DIE!"

"Pie?" Joey asked.

"NO JOEY!" Serenity cried. "He's going to kill us!"

"Kill us? That is so cool!" Joey said.

"I HEAR YOU CRYING OVER THERE WHEELER!" Bob said. "WOULD YOU LIKE TO GO FIRST?"

"Don't worry Serenity!" Joey said. "I'll save us!"

"How?" Serenity asked franticly.

With that, Joey cupped his hands over his mouth, and let out a very nasal, very honking, and overall annoying call into the night at the top of his lungs. After that, there was a completely shocked silence.

"What was that?" Bob asked.

"That is the mating call of…THE NORWEGIAN BUTT DUCK!"

"The what?" Seto asked.

"The Norwegian Butt Duck!" Joey said. "They are legendary for having a very silky coat of feathers!"

There was absolute silence for a second.

"THAT WAS JUST PLAIN PATHETIC!" Bob cried. "DIE!"

However, just as Bob was about to magically blow Joey up, out of the sky came a huge, brown duck with alligator like jaws. It flew from the sky, and lunged at Bob, bitting him right on the butt. Bob let out a shriek of horror, and ran around screaming in pain.

"Oh yeah!" Joey said. "They're also legendary for being extremely aggressive to people's butts. It's their natural prey!"

"Joey, that was so stupid, it was half-way smart," Seto said.

"OHMYGOD!" Serenity screamed. "SETO JUST COMPLEMENTED JOEY! HE MUST BE DELUSIONAL!"

However, the moment of triumph didn't last for long. With one swing of the magic wand, Bob turned the Norwegian Butt Duck into a roast duck dinner mounted on a bed of rice. The other three looked repulsed.

"I dink I'm gonna puke," Joey said.

"SORRY ABOUT THAT MINOR DISTRACTION!" sneered Bob evilly. "NOW IT'S TIME TO GET DIRTY!"

"Hey! That's mean!" screamed a voice from down the path that led to the office. There, only five yards away from the magical wall stood Ryo, who hasn't been in this chapter yet, despite that he was formally the prime suspect in this whole stupid case.

"Where have you been for the past 2,106 words?" Seto yelled angrily.

"Baking," Ryo said. "I can't believe you guys. I go out for a little while, I come back asking if anyone's seen my Pampered Chief Oven Mitts, and you people go and get yourself magically imprisoned by a man who was an evil bounty hunter who put up a façade as a boot camp instructor! THAT REALLY HURTS MY FEELINGS!"

"AH! YOU'VE COME!" Bob said triumphantly. "NOW, YOU CAN BEAR WITNESS TO THE SLAUGHTER OF YOUR BEST FRIENDS, HAUNTED BY THE THOUGHT THAT YOU'LL BE NEXT IN LINE!"

"I can't let you kill them!" Ryo said. "I may lack the nerve, but even I know that if any of them got killed, the authoress would get a ton of angry letters from Parent/Guardians and fan girls! Oh, uh, and there my best friends too…yeah, that…"

"SILENCE!" screamed Bob. "PREPARE TO DIE SISSY BOY!"

"I don't think so!" Ryo said. "ADVANCE, MY MUFFIN ARMY!"

And suddenly, appearing behind Ryo was a massive army of ten score's worth of home backed blueberry muffins dusted with a sweet, sugar coating. Each one was armed with what appeared to be little swords made out of granola.

"You baked a muffin army?" Serenity screamed.

"Yes!" Ryo said. "I used them to fight the evil monsters that lurked in the hallway and waited until the middle of the night when you went up to go to the bathroom to eat you alive!"

"Why did you make them now?" Seto asked. "How did you know?"

"Seto, why does the sun rise in the east and sink in the west?" Ryo asked. "Why do birdies always fly south when it gets cold, and north when it gets hot? Why does the rose have colors so lovely, and a scent so fair?"

"Earth rotating on its axis, instinct, and to attract insects to pollinate them so they don't die sad, miserable flower deaths without giving anything to the world," Seto said.

"Wow! That answers all the questions to my science paper!" Ryo said, writing all of them down on a paper in his hand. "And now my calvary of carbohydrates, ATTACK!"

"NICE TRY FOOL!" yelled Bob. "MY MAGICAL WALL WILL KEEP YOU AND YOUR STUPID PASTRIES OUT!"

"Not quite!" Ryo said. "These are blueberry muffins, and everyone knows blueberry muffins are impervious to magic!"

"GOOD GOD, HE'S RIGHT!" Bob said, but nothing could save him then. The muffins attacked in all their sugary glory, slashing and hacking and fighting with their granola swords. Bob was no match. He tried his best to throw them off, but it was no good. Soon, he was completely covered in a blanket of muffins, going ever so slowly under. Since he was preoccupied, the magical wall went down, and the other three were free.

"Wow Ryo!" Serenity said. "I can't believe you saved us!"

"Yeah, especially without crying like a little baby," Seto said.

"Well I had to do something this chapter!" Ryo said.

"I don't get it," Joey said.

"I bet," Seto said.

"How come Ryo came to us earlier with bruised ribs and needed a baseball bat?" Joey asked.

"Funny story behind that…" Ryo said.

-ooo-

LAST NIGHT! WoOoOoOoOoO!

"Oh wow!" Ryo said, walking back to the tent, carrying a huge tray of health bars. "I can't wait to give this to the others! These are the best health bars I've ever made!"

"Hey buddy," said an extremely gruff voice behind them, as a whole group of shady characters lurked in the shadows. "Going our way?"

"Hello friends!" Ryo asked. Depends, are you going to tent 1313 too?"

"Cough up the health bars pretty boy, or else," said another really gruff voice.

"C-come now," Ryo said in panic, starting to back off. "L-lets not d-do anything w-we'll all regret l-l-later-"

"Get him boiz!" screamed another voice, and with that, a whole band of red haired men only three feet tall with little leather shoes and green tuxes all attacked Ryo, beating him up with their little cans. One by one, they stole his health bars, and there was nothing he could do.

-ooo-

"You got attacked by a band of rouge leprechauns?" Serenity asked in disbelief.

"Aw, some guys have all the luck!" Joey said in disappointment.

"But how come you were so shady earlier when we asked you what you were doing last night?" Serenity asked.

"I didn't want anyone to know that I was making health bars!" Ryo said. "I wanted to make as a surprise for you guys!"

"Well, anyway, thanks for saving out butts!" Serenity said.

"Yeah, whatever," Seto said, not believing this whole stupid skit went on for three whole chapters.

"YOU ROCK!" Joey said, slapping Ryo on the back as a tough guy sort of gesture.

"OW! OWHOWHOW!" Ryo said, clutching his shoulder. "You did that on purpose you mean! WAAAAAAAHHH!"

And with that, Ryo collapsed to the ground in pain, sobbing very much like…a little baby.

"Wow, I suppose it was too good to be true," Seto said.

"That's our Ryo," Serenity said.

"KNOLEGE IS POWER!" Joey screamed.

-ooo-

"-and so, it is with great pleasure that we all reward you for your splendid efforts in saving our sorry excuse for a boot camp!" said a soldier, who was with the four in an honorable ceremony to commemorate their defeat of the evil Bob. Even better, the four were allowed out of their camo clothes and into what they regularly wore.

"Yeah, and for giving us this awesome muffin breakfast!' said another random soldier, eating a piece of one of the muffins.

All of the four flinched.

"I dink I'm gonna puke," Joey said.

"Anyway, for such services, we give you the commemorative Man Purse of Honor," said the soldier, handing Joey a little pink coin purse with a cute little daisy on it.

"WICKED!" Joey said.

"Uh, one more thing," Serenity said. "As much as we love to hang around and demean ourselves some more, could we please have an honorable discharge so we can get the heck out of here?"

"Yeah, whatever," the soldier said.

"YES!" the four cried. Freedom at last!

"Oh no! I forgot!" Serenity said. "We can't leave yet! We need to find Ms. Fuzzy-Kins!"

"Where has she been anyway?" Ryo said.

"'Scuse me ma'am," a soldier said, walking up to Serenity with Ms. Fuzzy-Kins in his arms. "This your plush toy?"

"MS. FUZZY-KINS!" Serenity said, hugging the plush toy. "Oh thank you! Where was she?"

"Hanging out by the mailbox, mailing a letter I'm guessin'," said the soldier.

"She said she was mailing Seto's progress report," Serenity said.

"Joy," Seto said. "How am I doing?"

"Well, she said your grade would be a lot better if you stopped beating Joey up so much," Serenity said.

"What do you mean?" Seto said, but at that moment, he turned around and punched Joey in the ribs. Joey was laughing happily as he fell to the ground with a crash.

"Uh…what was that?" Ryo asked.

"His breathing. It annoys me," Seto said.

"Seto, you better say sorry to Joey," Serenity said. "Ms. Fuzzy-Kins can make bad things happen…"

"Oh yeah?" Seto said, going down to eye level with Ms. Fuzzy-Kins. "What are you going to do? Give me a bad score on my next report you stupid plush toy?"

With that, a huge bolt of lightning came out of the sky, and Seto got struck down by it. With that, he teetered over and fell to the ground.

"Toldja," Serenity said.

"Ow…pain…" burnt-to-a-crisp Seto said.

-ooo-

ONE TRIP TO THE PARAMEDIC'S LATER! WoOoOoOoOoOoO!

"Well, I don't know how, but we somehow managed to get out of that horrible place," Ryo said. "Now we're one step closer to Cuz!"

"I hate you and your bumper-sticker mentality," Seto said.

"Ryo's right!" Serenity said. "Nothings stopping us now! We're gonna make it to Cuz soon!"

Ha! Yeah right!

"Nothing can make me happier," Joey said.

"Not even this adorably stupid bobble head I bought at Target?" Ryo said, pulling out a Joey bobble head. Along its base was the word 'idjit', and the Joey bobble head itself had swirly eyes and his tongue sticking out. Joey once again burst out laughing and rolled along in the dirt like a loon.

"Yikes!" Serenity said. "I thought my bobble head was hideous!"

"It does almost have a vile sort of charm…" Seto said.

-ooo-

"DANGIT!" Pegasus said, looking into the crystal ball, observing the scene bellow. "How did they make it out of that one?"

"I don't know sir," General Fluffa-Pie said.

"Well sure as heck they won't get past what's up next!" Pegasus said, reaching into his pocket. "HEY! Who stole my portable curling iron?"

"I feel pretty," Joey said from the crystal ball, curling his blonde bangs with Pegasus's portable curling iron.

"HOW DARE HE?" Pegasus screamed.

"It's alright sir," said the general. "You said it yourself. We'll get him."

"Yeah…I guess you're right," Pegasus said. "So…now what?"

"I dunno," General Fluffa-Pie said. "How about some Sister Sister?"

"ROCK ON!" said Pegasus, turning the crystal ball over to Disney Channel.

-ooo-

Howdja like it?

Rember people, beware of the Norwegian Butt Duck. They're incredibly dangerous. Heh, I also got it from a very peculiar incident that happened in my household.

You see, my Mom was playing with our dog, and she had a squeaky toy that sounded like a duck when you squeezed it, even though it was in the shape of a dog. Anyway, being in an especially evil mood, my Mom decided to lure the dog to attack the toy by putting it right next to my Dad's butt and quacking it a few times. Naturally, the dog attacked the toy and…well…

So anyway, that's how the Norwegian Butt Duck came to be! Why it's Norwegian…I dunno, ask Joey.

I tremble in the thought of how horrible it would be if Joey got elected into presidency.

Oh well, here's a look at our next chapter (which will be much shorter than the previous three chapter saga)!

-ooo-

"I'm lookin' for the guy who shot mah Gameboy Advanced SP," said Snake, holding up a busted personal gaming device. Of course, since no one was brave enough (or stupid enough) to come out of their hiding places under the table, he only could pick the only for people that weren't hiding for his targets. They were, of course, Serenity, Joey, Seto, and Ryo.

With that, Snake walked right over to the person who was least likely to defend himself in a crisis, which was, of course, Ryo, who was trying to slurp down the rest of his milkshake through the straw.

"Uh, Ryo," Seto said, seeing the over muscular bandit heading right their way, "You might want to run screaming like you always do now."

"Hang on a sec, I'm almost finished," Ryo said, still trying to do the impossible task of trying to get the last bits of a milkshake.

"Alright, I'll be over here hiding like a coward watching you get the snot kicked out of you," said Seto, looking for a good hiding place.

-ooo-

Well, that's all I got! Until next time!