PSYCHO AUTHORESS PRE-NOTE: WHEN ANY OF THE FOLLOWING DIALOGE IN THIS BOOK "looks like this", IT MEANS THE PERSON TALKING IS SPEAKING SPANISH!
Serenity: Yo peoples! Wazzup!
Ryo: (holding and armful of streamers) I suppose you're all wondering what we're doing.
Joey: PARTY!
Serenity: (hanging up a 'party' banner) Yep! More specifically, it's a party…FOR OUR READERS!
Ryo: Only a few weeks ago, Shrilanka-San got her one hundredth ever review, so to thank all the nice people who have helped her through it all…WE'RE THROWING YOU A GREAT BIG PARTY!
Seto: How come you get to do all the explaining and I have to babysit Joey? Who cares if he eats the stupid confetti again?
Serenity: That's the kind of attitude that screams 'first one in the spin-the-bottle circle' to me.
Seto: (turning around) Here, Joey, Joey, Joey.
Tea: We even got invited!
Yugi: (With boom box) I brought the Barenaked Ladies!
Mai: I'm the reason everyone comes.
Mobster: (With violin case) Me an' Dad are just here to crash it!
Serenity: Thankfully Ryo…forgot to send the invitation to the fan girls. ANYWAY! I think a few thank yous are in order!
Ryo: Right! In no particular order, thank you to all of the following! Gothangelmyu, nkitty29, Nashida…
Mobster:…A whole bunch of anonymous someones, KaiMai, formally known as Mifurey…
Yugi:…Mizz-Serenity-Wheeler, Twinsanity, formally known as Meant2Live, beatlegirl…
Joey:…uh…I forgot my line…OH YEAH! Mana-the-Authoress, Dark Daisy, and Nightbringer!
Tea: …Anordin, serenity-Yugioh-fan05, Mokuba's Official Glomper…
Seto: I really don't care, so just go onto Mai.
Mai: Aron, Yamiko Yakou, ImortalOfGoodness…
Johney Roma: Kiwigirl89, Funky Egyptian, chexfan200…
Pegasus: Broken and Bleeding, Onix Mage, Philsoraptor…
Serenity: Cute lil' Yami, Bilbo-sama, Komoki Tsuno, formally know as Cake is Not for Throwing and I'll Kick Thine Posterior To Yon Foreign Lands of Albuquerque, and Dark Princess Saz!
Shri: (Opening door) Okay, I bought, ahem, baked the cake! So everyone, You know what that means!
Serenity: Altogether…
Everyone: THAAAAAAAAAANK YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOU!
(Everyone inhales painfully)
Shri: Okay then, letz git thees pawty staaahted!
(Yugi hits a button, and a huge sterio system starts to play)
Shri: Please help yourselves to the buffet table while I start thanking the nice reviewers!
KaiMai
Shri: Aww…THANK YOU AGAIN! Yeah, I can sometimes get a little bored with the repetitiveness of a lot of Yu-Gi-Oh fics, but I shouldn't be talking, because there are two other Wizard of Oz crossovers out on the net other than mine that I know of.
Joey: (Looks at confetti) Mmm…CANDY!
Seto: JOEY! NO! I DON'T WANT TO KISS ANYONE!
Shri: Anyway…eating chocolate for days! Sounds good to me! Oh… ENJOY THIS CHAPTER! Pleasy!
Philsorapter
Shri: Cool! I hate PE too!
Serenity: How do you dress up like a Russian Asperragus Monger anyway?
Shri: I have a feeling asparaguss' are somehow involved…but that's not the point! I'm glad you love the random humor so much! It's my forte. Anyway, THANK YOU!
Ryo: But make sure you brush your teeth after every sugar rush!
Mai: You're such a prude…
Funky Egyptian
Shri: I have had a couple questions about the pirate ship…it was really hard to pick a blurb from this chapter, and that was the best I had.
Seto: I see too, she is enjoying her chocolate.
Shri: (turning) YUGI! STOP DANCING ON THE REFRESHMENT TABLE!
Serenity: Come back soon!
An Unknown Someone
Shri: I kinda have some good news and bad news. The bad news is that Marik probably isn't showing up in this story-
Marik Fangirls: WAAAAAAH!
Shri: But the good news is that he'll star in my next one.
Marik Fangirls: YAAAAAAY!
Shri: I don't hate dubbers that much either…they annoy me sometimes, tis all.
Cute 'lil Yami
Shri: Yes… truly the previous was the scariest chapter I ever wrote…
Seto: NO ONE CAN PROVE I WAS AN IDIOT! NO ONE! NO OOOOOONE!
Shri: Uh…anyway, I like the twists in this story to, and it makes me totally happy that you do to! SO ENJOY THE NEXT HELPING OF…INSANTIY!
Komoki Tsuno
Shri: AWESOME! You got a screen name!
Mobster: Juni does seem eager to hack into computers…IS HE SINGLE? Or British?
Shri: (With huge sack of chocolate) Don't worry! I saved some chocolate for you guys! So eat up…and your always welcome to raid the buffet table.
Mizz-Serenity-Wheeler
Shri: I'd give Chuckles to you if I could, but technically, I don't own him. You see, he's actually a character on a very funny cartoon called Dave the Barbarian, and I love it so much, I somehow needed to work him in.
Serenity: But is that the point? No. THANK YOU! And enjoy the next edition of the highly confusing adventures of us!
TwinSanity
Shri: Deleted story? COOL! I'd love to see it!
Serenity: Anyway…I bet it was funny to watch Mena and Mani dissolved into histerical laughter!
Shri: Anyway, ENJOY!
Serenity-Yugioh-fan05
Shri: HI! Loved your update!
Tea: It was very funny!
Shri: Yeah! I hope you come back soon. Oh, and to also enjoy the chocolate I saved for you!
Kaibafan
Shri: There's only one thing I can say to that…THANK YOU!
Kiwigirl89
Shri: The fic…so odd…which is what makes it cool!
Serenity: I loved the western chapter to…I KICKED BUTT!
Shri: Uh, anyway…enjoy this chapter too!
Dark Princess Saz
Shri: YAY! I do kinda like making people happy. It's a lot better than making people sad, that's for sure! BUT ANYWAY! Is this a never ending circle of happiness? Don't know. But thank you so muchies! I'm glad I was worth two whole hours of your time. And now…
Everyone: ONTO THE CRAZINESS!
Onto the craziness!
CHAPTER FIFTEEN
If I Only Had a Band of Scurvy Sea Dogs
"So, if we've been through unethical bio-testing, manic fan girls, berserk drill sergeants, and British obsessed mob leaders, what else can we possibly be brought up against?" Ryo asked, as he and the others continued to walk down the road.
"Ryo," Serenity said, giving Ms. Fuzzy-Kins and extra cuddle, "in a world of aproximatly six point two billion people, we've only met two dozen. I think you can do the math."
"I'm getting more and more tired of this trip the farther we go," Seto said angrily.
"You we're tired of it when we first set off," Serenity said.
However, all four suddenly stopped in their tracks, in shock of what they saw.
"Oh God," Serenity said.
"This isn't good," Ryo said.
"Crap," Seto said.
"Ice cream!" Joey said.
They looked a couple yards ahead of them down a hill, and there they see that the yellow brick road…went straight into as small sea.
"Um…" Serenity said, "…you all know how to swim right?"
"Oho no," Seto said. "I've been through a lot the past couple of days, but you will never, NEVER make me swim for miles. Out of my boundries!"
"You can't swim then?" Serenity said.
"MAYBE!" Seto snarled.
"Sup?" said Mai, walking up the shore carrying a beach towel, wearing sunglasses and a green and blue string bikini. Joey automatically started drooling.
"Mai?" Serenity asked. "What are you doing here?"
"Tanning," Mai said, pulling off her glasses. "Oh, and also to warn you that this section of the yellow brick road goes straight through water."
"We kind of already figured it out," Serenity said.
"Who, dare I ask, are you?" Seto asked irritably.
"Woah…" Joey said.
"I'm Mai, the Good Witch of the North, North East," Mai said. "So, how are you all doing?"
"Okay I guess," Ryo said. "The weather's been really nice lately!"
"Uh huh," Serenity said. "Really mild for this time of year…"
"Alright, enough gabbing about your meaningless lives!" Seto said. "How, gosh darn it, are we supposed to get to the other side of this sea?"
"Oi, where'd you pick up this punk?" Mai said.
"In the Empersec area," Serenity said.
"Never liked Empersec," Mai said. "Anyway, the only way you're going to get across this lake is if you swim…or take a boat."
"I vote for the boat!" Seto said.
"You shouldn't!" Mai said. "It's a Sunday! The only boats that will be out are pirate ships!"
"At this point, we're desperate," Seto said.
"Actually, I'm a pretty good swimmer," Serenity said.
"Me too!" Ryo said.
"You're a girl!" Joey said, staring at Mai.
"And…just who are you?" Mai asked Joey.
"A pretty girl!" Joey said.
ooo
THREE SECONDS LATER
"Tell me when it's over!" Ryo said, shielding his eyes and cowering behind Serenity.
"MAI! STOP! YOU'RE HURTING HIM!" Serenity cried.
"At this point, I think that's her intention," Ryo said.
"Use this stick, it's pointier," Seto said, holding one up. However, Mai was done wailing on Joey, and Joey lay beaten up on the ground.
"Okay then," Mai said, walking over Joey's beaten up body. "If you want a pirate ship so bad, fine. However, I need to warn you, the only pirate who's out in active ferry service isn't exactly…"
"Kind?" Ryo asked.
"Sane," Mai replied.
"Oh dear," Ryo said.
"Anyway, I wish I could help you a little more," Mai said. "Good luck, and be careful. The closer you get to Pegasus, the weirder things get around here."
"Thank you Mai!" Serenity said, as Mai went off to continue tanning.
"She's hot…" an incredibly bruised Joey said, walking up the beach.
"Okay then," Serenity said. "We just need to find an incredibly large and somewhat ominous pirate ship, smooth talk the captain, pop on board, sail across, and we'll be back on the road again!"
"Like that one?" Joey said, pointing to a large pirate ship, painted pure black, containing red sails and a skull and cross-bone flag torn apart and blowing in the breeze.
"It is a bit ominous I guess…" Seto said.
ooo
"Hello?" Serenity called, as the four plus plush toy made it to the side of the huge, dark pirate ship. "Is anyone up there? We need a ride!"
"AAAARGH!" screamed a voice from the top of the ship, and peering over it was a very grungy looking pirate, with the typical pirate look (large eyepatch, parrot on the shoulder, long, tangled black beard, one leg, not a lot of teeth, etc.). "Who goes there young land leggers? Who you beez?"
"Potential customers," Seto said.
"OH BOY!" the pirate said. "Argh, moi name is Dumpling the Pirate, and this here be my trusted parrot buddy, JACK THE RIPPER! Which is short, for NATILE!"
"Hello!" Joey said.
"Nice to meet you!" Serenity said.
"Whatever," Seto muttered.
"It's a pleasure!" Ryo said.
"BOW WOW WOW!" said the pirate, big heart eyes at the sight of Ryo. "Oi, baby! I've seen many young land fairing lasses in moi day, by you, fair lady, are the by far the fairest of them all!"
"Em…that's very flattering Mr. Dumpling," Ryo said, "but…uh…I'm a guy…"
The pirate stared at him for a minute.
"So?" he said.
"Oh…kay," Serenity said. "Anyway, all we want is a quick ride across the sea to find the other end of the yellow brick road. Do you know where that is?"
"Aye," said the pirate. "It will take thee ship a day and a night, a day and a night, and a day and a night."
"You could just say 'three days' so I wouldn't have to question your math skills," Seto said.
"Will you please take us to the other end of this sea Mr. Dumpling?" Ryo asked.
"Lass, I would sail around the world a thousand times fer you," said the pirate.
"I'M A GUY!" Ryo cried in distress.
"Argh, but from yer lubber friends, I expect fair payment!" said Dumpling. "Have ye on ye a Ruby from the islands of oriental seas?"
"Um, no," Serenity said.
"Have ye a string of find pearls, torn from clams of every shore of all seven seas?" the pirate asked.
"I…don't think so," Ryo said.
"Alright, just ask us to fork over a twenty already before I get nasty," Seto said.
"Argh, yon lady has the fire in her eyes!" the pirate said joyfully.
"You better shut up before I out your other eye!" Seto said, holding up a very threatening fist.
Serenity raised a platformed heal over Seto's foot.
"Okay, no need to get threatening!" Seto said (hypocritically) and pulled out a twenty. With that, a gang plank went down, and the four were free to enter on board the ship.
"ARGH!" Captain Dumpling said, snatching the twenty out of Seto's hand. "The breeze is in the sails! The tide is at its highest! I've got fat pockets! MY CREW! WE NOW SET SAIL!"
"Uh, crew?" Serenity asked.
With that, Dumpling blew a long whistle through two fingers, and a small band of completely pathetic pirates assembled around the four, each one looking more of a misfit than the other.
"Allow me to introduce mah ghastly pirate crew!" said dumpling. "First, John the Irritable!"
"WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT PUNK?" screamed the incredibly burly, completely bald pirate with a striped bandana around his head and one two many body piercings and tattoos for this psycho authoresses taste, punching Seto in the face for no good reason.
"Looks like you're going to be fast friends," Serenity said, with a hint of panic in her voice.
"This be Maria the Spainard!" said Dumpling, indicating a short woman with tanned skin, thick, dark hair, and huge brown eyes.
"Hola senor," she said, shaking Ryo's hand. "Como esta?"
"Em, I don't speak Spanish…" Ryo said, "How do you say it? No hablo Espanol?"
"Ah, that is a good thing sir, because you are the most pathetic excuse for a man I have ever seen, and I want to insult you without having the inconvience of killing you when you try a pathetic attempt at putting up a fight," said Maria.
"I don't know what she said, but she sounds nice," Ryo said cheerfully.
"That's Richard the Drama Queen!" said Dumpling, pointing to a pirate who was very trimmed up and looking like a wandering actor more than a bloodthirsty pirate.
"Oh, I can't imagine why you wanted to join us upon the great cloak of blue!" he said, dramatically putting the back of his hand to his forehead. "It's so cold, when it rains it pour, and culture and intelligence aren't worth a drop of pain and consideration!"
"Oh, shut up Richard," a blond haired female pirate said, sitting on a rum barrel, absentmindedly tossing an incredibly dangerous looking dagger around.
"That be Nancy the Wise Cracker," said Dumpling.
"An' I'm also Nancy the Much More Good Lookin' Than You Scurvy Lot," she mussed.
"Joy, more friends for Seto," Serenity said.
"And last, and quite possibly least, Gabbo, the Doesn't Talk At All!" Dumpling said.
A quiet little creature in a long black cloak sat all by himself in the side of the back of another ale casket, not saying a word, small traces of incredibly large blue eyes the only thing showing beneath the hood that covered his face.
"Well hey there little mate!" Ryo said sweetly. "Is it true you can't talk?"
Gabbo said nothing.
"Thought so…" Ryo said.
"Wait a second," Seto said, getting up. "If he doesn't talk, how do you know his name is Gabbo?"
"Don't know really," Dumpling said. "He just showed up on board one day, we took him in, named him Gabbo, and that was that."
"So before I kill all four of you, what are you're names?" John said.
"Well, I'm Serenity, and he's-" Serenity started.
"ACH! NONE OF THAT!" Dumpling said. "You can't earn you're respect on this ship unless you say your name, then the word the, then something incredibly catchy to finish it off!"
"Okay," Serenity said. "I'm Serenity, the…Sane. And this is Ms. Fuzzy-Kins the Plushie!"
"I'm Seto," Seto said, walking over and punching John, "the Also Quite Irritable."
"I'm Ryo the PLEASE DON'T KILL ME!" Ryo screamed.
"I'm…uh…" Joey started.
"-Joey the Irritating," Seto said.
"ROCK ON!" Joey said. "Thanks Tooth Fairy!"
"Alright there," said Dumpling. "Before ye can be properly accepted on this ship as an equal, ye must fit the Ultimate Pirate Cliche! Yuv got the the fear bringing name! Now, fer yer next task…"
DOWN IN THE CABBIN! WoOoOoOoO!
"-we have to do what?" Seto asked.
"Ye have to sing very bad sea shanties," said Dumpling. "We pirates consider it an insult if you don't know how."
"Aye," sighed Richard. "One few connections us pirates have to a world that has some true artistic and intellectual meaning!"
"Shut up Richard," John said.
"I don't think I know any sea shanties," Serenity said.
"Neither do I!" Ryo said.
"Ryo, you're British!" Serenity said. "You're come from a land that was sailing the high seas for God, Gold, and Glory! Sailings in your blood!"
"Along with a few other nasty traits," said Maria.
"Isn't the Spanish language so beautiful?" Ryo asked.
"Seto?" Serenity asked.
"I don't sing," Seto said.
"Why?" Serenity asked.
"If I sung, you'd die soon afterward," Seto said.
"You're that bad a singer?" Serenity asked.
"Who said it would be my singing that kills you?" Seto said evily.
"His looks are frightening enough," said Nancy.
"Shut up brunette," said Seto, but he was then nailed by a flying ale glass.
However, before anything else could be provoked, Joey began playing on a piano that happened to be lying around the side of the room in a catchy rythem, bursting into joyous melody.
My father used to be a captain,
He was so ugly and so fat.
One day, when he played with his dollies,
He got murdered by a cat.
The cat was soft and cute and fluffy,
Well groomed, adorable, and white.
My paw got a claw through the shoulder
And a really really bad cat bite.
LAAAAAALALALALA
LA LA
LALALALALA
LA LA,
LALALALALA
LALALALALALALA
LAAAAAALALALALA
LA LA
LALALALALA
LA LA,
LALALALALA
LALALALALALALA
I came to see my mangled father
And though the cat was very nice
I patted him on his headsy
And gave him a bowl of rice!
"Thank you sir," said the kitty.
"I haven't eaten in a year.
It was your daddsy's job to feed me
And that's why he's dead here!"
LAAAAAALALALALA
LA LA
LALALALALA
LA LA,
LALALALALA
LALALALALALALA
LAAAAAALALALALA
LA LA
LALALALALA
LA LA,
LALALALALA
LALALALALALALA
"No problem Kitty," is what I said.
"But feeding you was my job!
I had, a hugy bag of cat food,
But I gave it to my puppy Blob!
"Blobs a stinky idiot,
Who's stupid, dumb, and not smart,
He has a bark just like a car horn
And a really smelly fart!"
LAAAAAALALALALA
LA LA
LALALALALA
LA LA,
LALALALALA
LALALALALALALA
LAAAAAALALALALA
LA LA
LALALALALA
LA LA,
LALALALALA
LALALALALALALA
And so the kitty sure looked angry
He pulled out a cutsie kitty claw
He ran it right straight through my heartsy
Just like he just did to my dead paw.
So that's why I sing this songsy
A hot piano playing ghost!
Now pass me up some tens and twenties
Cause that's what I need the most!
LAAAAAALALALALA
LA LA
LALALALALA
LA LA,
LALALALALA
LALALALALALALA
LAAAAAALALALALA
LA LA
LALALALALA
LA LA,
LALALALALA
LALALALALALALA
LAAAAAALALALALA
LA LA
LALALALALA
LA LA,
LALALALALA
LALALALALALALA
LAAAAAALALALALA
LA LA
LALALALALA
LA LA,
LALALALALA
LALALALALALALAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!
At Joey's not-good-not-bad musical talent, the pirates shouted hooray, and cheered heartily, banging the table, howling for an encore, singing a few drunken lines, you know, the usual things pirates do to celebrate cultural marvels. Except for Gabbo, who just watched.
"Ach ye we idiot," said Dumpling. "That was some foin singin'!
"I LIKE ICE CREAM!" Joey screamed.
TWO DAYS LATTER! WoOoOoOoO!
"So you're saying we'll make it to mainland anytime soon?" Serenity said.
"Argh lassie!" said the pirate. "Soon, ye and yer pathetic friends will be back on shore, doing whatever the heck you pathetic fools do!"
"I love being a sailor!" Ryo said sweetly, wearing an adorable little sailors suit and swabbing the deck with a huge mop. "IT MAKES ME FEEL SO ALIVE!"
"Ryo, running around in a sweater, singing sonfics to the tune of '1985', crying frequently, getting mauled by leprichans, all of the above suggests that you are quite possibly the most pathetic man alive. However, this," Seto said, pointing to the adorable sailor coat, "has got to be the lowest leg on the totem pole."
Ryo just stared at him for a moment.
"You know," he said, tears welling up in his eyes, "most people would be mad if they heard that but…the true sign of friendship is honesty!"
"Ryo," Serenity said, "I respect your whole 'pacifism' attitude, but really, you shouldn't take anything like that."
"What do you mean?" Ryo asked.
"Okay, repeat after me," Serenity said. "'This is being told to me by a man who runs around in a trench coat and was listening to who on a what colored boom box?'"
"Uh, is that with or without improvisation?" Ryo asked.
"Besides," Serenity added, holding up Ms. Fuzzy-Kins, who was also wearing a sailor suit, "SAILOR SUITS ARE SO CUTE!"
"I HATE YOU BOTH!" Seto said. "I hate to say that this is the stupidest thing I've seen on the entire ship, and unless something more ludicrous shows up before I finish saying this sentence, so help me-"
"HEY EVERYBODY!" Joey said, busting open the door to the cabin, walking out wearing a grass skirt, flower chain, and coconut bra. "WHO'S UP FOR HULA?"
Everyone gapped at him.
"You're off the hook," Seto said over his shoulder and walking toward Joey, rolling up his sleeve.
"I hope we get to mainland soon," Serenity said. "SETO, DON'T YOU DARE DO THAT TO JOEY!"
"Argh lass," said Dumpling. "We'll be walkin' on' dry land by tomorrow!"
THE DAY AFTER THE DAY AFTER THE DAY AFTER TOMORROW
"Okay, so we have no clue where we're going?" Serenity said.
"Nope," said Nancy. "We just sail around in circles until we hit mainland."
"And everyone neglected to tell us this earlier?" Serenity asked.
"Well, I don't really like any of you, so yeah, I guess I did," Nancy said.
"Ah, 'tis the sad, misguided life of a sailor!" said Richard. "Doomed to sail the high seas, around and around in circles, losing ourselves between the sapphire sky, and the sapphire sea, so we languish, 'til thou art not but nothing."
"Shut up Richard!" screamed John, punching Joey for no good reason.
"Well, I tried to tell you, but you foolish English speaking curs couldn't understand me, so I suppose it serves you right," said Maria.
"Don't try to lighten us up Maria," Ryo said sadly. "Richards right!"
"I suppose you have nothing to say Gabbo?" Serenity said.
Gabbo said nothing.
"Argh maties, we bees just a bit off course!" said Dumpling. "We'll be there tomorrow for sure!"
TWO WEEKS LATER
"Are we there yet?" Joey asked.
"No," Serenity said.
"Are we there yet?" Joey asked.
"No," Serenity said.
"Are we there yet?" Joey asked.
"No," Serenity said.
"A-"
"SHUT UP ALREADY!" everyone other than Serenity, Joey, and Ryo screamed, Seto being the loudest.
"Um, how far are we from the mainland?" Serenity asked.
"I don't know," Dumpling said.
"Okay," Serenity said. "In which general direction is the mainland?"
"Huh?" Dumpling asked.
"I mean, is it North, South, East, what?" Serenity asked.
"I don't know which is which," said Dumpling.
"You don't know the Cardinal Dirrections?" Seto said.
"Nope," said Dumpling.
"I'm sorry, I thought it was common maritime practice to, I don't know, HAVE A BLINKING CLUE WHERE YOU'RE GOING!" Seto screamed.
"Well, do you have a compass?" Ryo asked.
"Well, we did," Nancy said, "but John mistook it for a biscuit, and things went downhill from there."
"IT WAS DELICIOUS!" John said, punching Joey again.
A FEW MORE DAYS LATER
"GOOD NEWS!" said Dumpling. "We've spotted land!"
"That's wonderful!" Ryo said.
"The bad news is it's has a flagpole with the Sri Lankan flag flying," said Dumpling.
"Not wonderful," Serenity said.
"Hey Serenity!" Joey said, "Wanna see me balance and anchor on my head?"
"Yes," said Seto.
"Si," said Maria.
"NO!" Serenity said.
LATER STILL
"Bad news," said Dumpling, to all the pirate crew sitting in the galley. "We're running out of supplies, and soon…well, you know what seamen drink in times of hardship…"
"Ew," Serenity said.
"Well…if we are going to drink…ya know," Ryo said. "Maybe we should cheer ourselves up with a story!"
"Argh, a pirate loves a good story!" Dumpling said.
"It better be good, or I'll slum you faces with assorted sharp, dagger-like implements!" John threatened.
"What kind of stories do pirates like?" Serenity asked.
"Usually ones with a ton of senseless slaughter and violence," said Nancy.
"Well, out of my field," Serenity said.
"I don't know any horrible tales," Ryo said.
"I know one," Seto said.
"Argh, tell us, fair lassie," said Dumpling.
"Call me 'lassie' again and I'll tear out your kidneys, drain the fluid, streach out the skin, and make myself a bongo drum," Seto said. "Okay, this is the story of Little Red Ridding Hood-"
Everyone groaned, except Gabbo.
"-the Seto Kaiba Version…" Seto said evily.
TWENTY MINUTES LATER
"Whoa!" Serenity said in a combination of shock and fear, Ryo cowering behind her with tears in his eyes. "I've never heard it told THAT way before!"
"Serenity, will the villagers ever find Little Red Ridding Hood's remains?" Joey asked.
"And if only the story teller wasn't such a horror story himself," Maria said.
"If I'm a horror story, than that would make you something produced by Hitchcock when he felt in an especially bad mood and his coffee was wearing out," Seto snapped back. Maria stared at him in shock for actually understanding her.
"I see now you're at a loss for words," Seto taunted. "I guess you can't take it when someone has the guts to actually shoot back your insults!"
Maria still said nothing.
"What's the matter?" Seto asked. "Cat got your-"
WHAM!
Maria nailed him with a well timed punch in the face.
"HARK!" screamed Richard. "The most wonderful news! I have spotted land, and by all luck, it's the port where we intended to land in the first place!"
"HOORAY!" everyone cried except Gabbo.
"Uh, but the bad news is that the storm of the century's coming right at us, and with our luck, it'll be here in oh, say, five minutes," Richard said.
Awkward silence.
"Oh, crud," Serenity said.
OUTSIDE
"I think I'm starting to see the downside of sailing!" Serenity yelled over the fierce gale that pounded the masts of the ships, spurting rain fifty miles and hour at their bodies, plastering their clothes right to them, on one of the darkest nights of their lives, lighten up only by lightning that pierced the sky.
"Gee, ya think!" Seto yelled back, as he an the four were pulling a rope used to keep the sails up.
"Well, on the bright side, it can't get much worse than this, can it?" Ryo yelled back optimistically.
As usual, he was wrong, and a wave, black as night, and thirty feet tall, spurted up out of nowhere, completely washing over the deck, all across our heroes, taking them under for a few seconds. Serenity clung on for dear life, hoping this wasn't the end. Thankfully, the water receded, and Serenity gasped in a mouthful of air.
"Darn it!" She cried. "I'll be combing seaweed out of my hair for weeks!"
"OH NO!" Ryo cried. "Where's Seto?"
"EEEE-YAAAAAAAAAAH!" came a really girly scream from the sea.
"HOLY SMACK! HE WENT OVERBOARD!" Serenity cried.
"I'LL SAVE YOU TOOTH FAIRY!" Joey screamed, jumping overboard to rescue the 'Tooth Fairy'.
"JOEY, STOP!" Serenity screamed, tears mixing with seawater in her eyes. "OH, YOU IDIOT! COME BACK!"
"COME ON!" screamed Nancy, grabbing Serenity and Ryo. "We need to get bellow deck! This storm is too strong!"
"We can't just leave!" Ryo screamed.
"Everything secure, let's go!" Nancy said, pulling them down.
"JOEY AND SETO ARE OUT THERE!" Serenity screamed.
"YOU CAN'T HELP THEM IF YOUR DEAD!" screamed Nancy.
"VAMOS!" screamed Maria.
"GET DOWN HERE NOW!" yelled John.
"SETOOOO!" Serenity screamed. "JOE-EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEY!"
ooo
"I am telling you, this is urgent!" Ms. Fuzzy-Kins yelled into her cell phone. "My client is currently missing, and worst of all, he's missing with a person he has conducted bodily harm to on numerous occations…what do you think I need? I need you to get me a replacement to find them! I can't just hunt them down, I'm obligated to help Serenity in anyway I can…THIS IS A # EMERGENCY! I need a temp NOW…what do you mean your out? Yes, I know it's with all the elections and everything, but…OH COME ON! Mine is a level eight case, and who knows what the other one is!...Look, at this point I'm desperate! I'll take a ziplock bag with wings if you have one…okay, your right, I'm being crazy but…he's a good kid really, I'm sure he can scrape a level seven…I DON'T WANT HIM TO DIE, DON'T YOU GET IT?...I AM ROCK BOTTOM DESPERATE!"
"Did you say rock bottom desperate?" said Gabbo, who was standing dramatically in the doorway.
"Huh?" Ms. Fuzzy-Kins asked.
"Well, by all luck, I happened to be a conscious and I am happy to help you for absolutely nothing!" said Gabbo.
"And you are?" Ms. Fuzzy-Kins asked.
"BEHOLD!" screamed Gabbo dramatically, tearing off his cloak, revealing himself to look just like Seto, only about twelve wearing a blue sweater vest, yellow dress shirt, and dark gray pants (and strap on wings). "I am, AGENT SWEATER VEST!"
"Oh criminey," said Ms. Fuzzy-Kins. "I thought I got rid of you when I left the academy. So what have you been doing since you graduated?"
"Em…well, I haven't actually…graduated yet," Agent Sweater Vest said.
"You've been in school for the past two hundred years?" Ms. Fuzzy-Kins said.
"196! 196!" he said deffensivly. "Everyone thinks they can just round up!"
"Face it, you're a screw up," said Ms. Fuzzy-Kins.
"I am not!" he cried back. "In fact, now I'm on actual on-the-ground training, and this time, I so won't bomb!"
"And what are you doing with pirates?" Ms. Fuzzy-Kins asked.
"Well, the sheet said help peasants, but I misread it," said ASV.
"So, basically, you already screwed up?" said Ms. Fuzzy-Kins.
"Oh, shut up!" ASV said. "Look, just let me try! I need this! Badly!"
"I bet you do," said Ms. Fuzzy-Kins. "But this guy is way out of your league. He's a level eight!"
"So?" ASV said.
"And he's with the person who annoys him to death," said Ms. Fuzzy-Kins.
"I think I can handle it," he said.
"It's Seto Kaiba," said Ms. Fuzzy-Kins
"HOLY CRUD!" said ASV. "Wasn't he the guy we all got the emergency brocures about?"
"Yep," said Ms. Fuzzy-Kins.
"Well…I don't care!" said ASV. "The thing is, I'm in major trouble. If I don't pass this year, I'm…gonna be…REINCARNATED!"
"Reincarnated?" said Ms. Fuzzy-Kins. "They only do that to saints, humanitarians, and complete failures!"
"Please, just let me try!" ASV cried, falling to his knees and sobbing. "I'M ROCK BOTTOM DESPERATE, AND SO ARE YOU!"
"ALRIGHT ALREADY!" screamed Ms. Fuzzy-Kins. "I hate to see full grown angels cry. But I swear, if you screw this one up, I'll have you reincarnated so low, slugs will say 'ew, that is the grossest thing I ever saw' when they see you. GOT IT?"
"Aye, capness!" said ASV, saluting, then taking off.
"What are the consequences of my actions?" Ms. Fuzzykins asked. "Gawd, I need a new day job."
ooo
Shri: So begins the mini adventures of Joey, Seto, and ASV! You thought things were weird now. The two will have to fight off an enemy so powerful, so deadly, and so mad that…well, let's say it isn't going to be fun.
Mai: What the heck's with the stupid Agent Sweater Whatsit?
Shri: EXCELENT QUESTION! I got the idea for agent sweater vest in a pretty weird way. Remember back in Duelist Kingdom when Seto and Yugi had that one duel when Seto threatened to commit suicide if he didn't win? Yeah, that one. Anyway, did you also remember that little hallucination moment (I call them 'Mind Bloops') when the Blue Eyes Ultimate Dragon was melting? Yeah, that part. Well, when younger Seto just popped out and said 'you are such a jerk, your hearts rotten to the core, I'm better dressed than you, blah blah blah', I thought 'wow, he was cute when he was ten-twelve whatever!' and, well, I had to turn him into a character.
Seto: Okay, that's just stupid.
Shri: YES I AM INSANE! DON'T RUB IT IN!By the way, 'My Father Used to be a Captain', 'The Moose Dance', and many other hits are all available on JOEY SINGS, for a mere cost of three easy payments of 5.99. HA! Kidding.
Serenity: Instead of goodie bags, as an extra special present, Shri typed up a short story to thank all of her reviewers for the party!
Ryo: We hope you enjoy it.
Shri: And now, A SHORT!
FIRE WOOD: A QUICKIT
By Shrilanka-San
"Okay, tell me again, why did we send Joey out to get firewood?" Seto asked, sarcastic as usual as he watched the four plus Ms. Fuzzy-Kins's pathetic fire begin to die.
"Well, I was busy cooking diner, you were busy being a sharp-tongued jerk, and Ryo was busy trying to figure out how to tie that one rope knot," Serenity said.
"Where is he anyway?" Seto asked.
ooo
"Um…I could use some help guys…" Ryo tried to call, completely tied to a tree in what looked like a very uncomfortable position, rope tied around fifty-nine percent of his body. "Is anyone out there? This is just as unpleasant as it looks! Serenity? Seto? Anyone?"
ooo
"Seto, I'm sure he's okay!" Serenity said. "But Joey's an idiot! Just think of all the horribly terrible amounts of danger he could be in! ALL THAT EXCRUCIATING PAIN!"
"Hey guys!" Joey said, walking out of the forest without any fire wood. "Guess what! I'm not in horribly terrible amounts of danger! And I'm clearly not going through excruciating pain!"
Seto glared at Serenity for a moment.
"Uh, Joey, how come you were gone so long?" Serenity asked. "And…where's the fire wood?"
"Oh, that's easy!" Joey said. "Let me explain it…IN SONG!"
So, before anyone could stop him, he pulled out a huge guitar, and began belting out a campfire story-ish kind of tune, lit up by the still dying fire to tell his very odd tale
I was walking back to you guys with wood stuff in my arm
To light our dying fire and to keep us nice and warm.
When a spotlight hit my back head, ah turned around and 'eeped'
To see a disk float in the air that whirled and twirled and beeped.
I held my wood close to my chest and turned around to flee,
Only to feel a proton beam zap from the ship and grab me.
I got pulled onto the ship with the grav-defying ray
Uh…I can't find a good word that rhymes with 'ray'.
So anyway (darn there's one) I got put inside a tube.
I thought that they would hold me down and turn me into food.
But the aliens had all just ate, and what they wanted to do
Was to zap my head with x-ray rays to see just what I knew.
They said they didn't find much, so as we zoomed through space
They told me of their evil plan to enslave the human race.
I wondered why they told me such vital information.
They told me it was to be nice before my elimination.
They'd go zap up the president right from his swivel chair
And turn all members of his cabinet into pairs of underwear.
They would zap the white house with gamma rays to a pile of smoldrin' ash
And erupt a wide scale extra-terrestrial clash.
They'd then suck up the oceans and the lakes and ponds and seas,
Putting it on their ships away from you and me.
And so as the world would slowly starve and die,
Our leaders they'd destroy and our armies they'd defy.
They would capture us in weakened states back up to their ships,
No more lives, no more human beings in politics.
Our brilliant, mighty empire would crumble down and fall,
And the freaky, green skinned aliens would finally rule all.
Know that this was not real good, and getting pretty thirsty,
I made a plan to kick their but, for better or for worsty.
I threw the firewood through my binds, finally breaking free,
And pushed all the colored buttons that blinked so prettily.
They alien ship then lost control, cutting of our gas,
The engine then exploded in a body-shaking crash.
We fell down through the atmosphere to the blue ocean bellow.
They aliens finally realized their plan was a no-go.
"Darn you Joey!" they all cried as they fell into the sea,
And a squad of CIA dudes came up to rescue me.
The president was happy, in my courage he took pride,
So as a special favor in I got a copter ride
Back to the forest where I had first found all the wood,
And I came back to you guys, feeling that I should.
And so now I sing this song thing to tell you exactly how
I came back with no firewood…uh…HOW!
So Joey finished up his song by hammering some really cool notes on the guitar, then screaming like a rocks star and smashing it on the solid ground, the guitar moaning and groaning at the horror of Joey's musical funk. Serenity and Seto just stared for a moment.
"Joey, I think you know what I'm going to say," Seto said.
"You could just say you couldn't find any Joe," Serenity said. "Now where on Earth is Ryo?"
ooo
"HELLO?" Ryo cried out into the woods, still tied uncomfortably to the tree. "It's getting dark! I'M AFRAID OF THE DARK! Oh, come on! Darn, mental note, practice knot tying using the buddy system."
ooo
Shri: Okay, (sniff) due to circumstances beyond my control, I'm sorry to say this, but I need a two week break to try to catch up on my story. I am sorry for any inconvenience.
Serenity: Awe…it's okay. So…WE'LL GIVE YOU YOUR BIRTHDAY PRESENT EARLY!
Shri: Uh…my birtday's in three weeks.
Serenity: Well, we still pooled all our money-
Ryo: I thought we stole it from Seto.
Serenity: POOLED OUR MONEY and got you a present (pulls out a huge package, which Shri tears open).
Shri: (Gasps in happiness) A CHAINSAW! How did you guys know?
Seto: To be honest, we just assumed.
Shri: Rock on! (Starts it up) I need to go try this baby out! See you in a little bit everyone!
