Disclaimer: Some settings and characters used in this story belong to the divine J. K. Rowling. Jane and, alas, the Sues belong to me. None of this is for profit, just the sheer fun of it.
A/N: It's nice to see so many of you like this. If I need to improve it, tell me. If you love it and you think it's perfect, say so. On the other hand if you loathe it and think it a waste of space, feel free to point it out. Whichever, why not review? I'll return the favour.
It's a sodding hat. I nearly cursed out loud when I saw it but then I remembered where I was - standing in the middle of a group of people half my height. I was already getting enough strange looks without swearing at an inanimate object. Honestly, with all the talk of dragons and chimeras that that huge bloke had given us on our way over to the school, well I'd really started to fear for my life. In retrospect I probably should have asked either Lavender or Parvati about it, although that would have spoiled the surprise.
Things had followed on in this way ever since I'd stepped off that train, not that the boat journey across the lake wasn't beautiful but it wasn't really worth the seasickness; and I'm sure the other occupants of the boat I was in would agree. Of course they'd been too busy questioning me about my presence to notice my discomfort.
"So how come you're here with us?" Ah, here we go again. By this time I was seriously considering handing out leaflets explaining my story.
"I was ill, so I couldn't come here until now and I haven't been Sorted yet so… here I am." Or maybe some sort of label I could wear…
"Oh," I awaited the almost inevitable question of what was wrong with me to come and was rather surprised when it didn't. "What's your name then?" I turned to face my interrogator; but finding no one there I looked down, and down before I saw her. It was a bit unnerving having someone stare up at me from around navel height, especially when they're peering through a pair of overly large glasses to do so. "Well?"
"Err, Jane. What's yours?" The look she gave then was rather strange, as if she was checking to see if anyone was listening.
"Promise not to laugh?"
"Yeah."
"Really? Because if you do, I'll kick you." She sounded serious, could it really be that bad?
"I promise." I tried to sound as sincere as I could as I figured the only place she could kick me was my shin, and the nerves in them still weren't right; I'd rather that they weren't banged too much.
Her head swung down suddenly, and her words were murmured so quietly that I could barely hear them.
"Laidalien Duntz."
I bit down hard on my lip; I had to, as I really didn't want to be kicked. A boy standing behind Laidalien – honestly, what parent could be so cruel to call their child that – wasn't so lucky. His snort of laughter was cut short as her arm met his midriff.
"Ow! What was that for?" he demanded, looking around; probably to see if any teachers were watching. No such luck, they were all watching the hat, which was singing? Strange.
"If you were eavesdropping close enough to hear my name," Laidalien said tetchily, "then you would have heard my warning. It's your own fault."
The boy's retort was cut off though as Professor McGonagall called out a name, I didn't catch it but then again I wasn't really listening out for it. Seemed it belonged to the boy who had eavesdropped on us before though, as he went scuttling off up onto the stage, probably eager to get away from Laidalien, who was still glaring at him. I wondered what she'd do when her name was called out; she couldn't exactly hit everyone in the school, could she?
I didn't think I would ever be grateful to my arsehole of a father for anything, but I must admit, I was glad I wasn't lumbered with some surname way down in the alphabet like Zebedee or something else equally inane. At least this way I wouldn't be standing round for ages, waiting to be called while people stared at me. See? Onto the B's already. Bloody hell but they're loud though, granted it's nice to be welcomed into a house but do they have to be so… enthusiastic about it? I'm sure the poor kid's having a fun time as it is without you horrible lot jostling him about like that.
C's now… wait. Where did the C's go? Oh that's hardly fair, I know I said I was thankful for not having to wait long but this is ridiculous; I didn't mean now.
"Dunkley, Jane."
Bugger. And don't think I can't hear the sniggers at that green table, Slythers is it? I really have to pay more attention to these things. On the plus side though, at least the hat fits and doesn't nearly swallow my head whole like it did with the tiny first years. Hooray for being fully-grown eh?
'Indeed, Miss Dunkley. I must say it's a pleasure to finally meet you. Now, where shall we put you?'
The hat talks.
'Obviously not Ravenclaw then.'
The hat thinks it's witty.
'Perhaps Slytherin?'
Ah so that's what it was, I knew the name was something like that.
'Or perhaps not, you can be sarcastic at times and rather biting too if the mood strikes you. But there's no ambition there, you're happy with your lot.'
Hardly. Had it seen my lot lately? Honestly, I thought it was supposed to 'see all there was to see', or so it claimed.
'Ah so you were paying attention to my little ditty.'
Unfortunately, yes, or at least that scrap of it. I really wished it would get a move on though instead of making inane little comments. People were starting to wonder why it's taking so long; it's rather embarrassing really, especially the whispering.
'All right, all right. Rather anti-social aren't we?'
I was pretty sure at that point I was about to become more so.
'Not for Hufflepuff then, I think, you lack the affability to do well there. Besides I wouldn't really want to inflict you on them.'
Scissors. Must have scissors, or maybe even bare hands would do, material this old couldn't hold together too well.
'Definitely not Hufflepuff. I suppose that as the others are ruled out, and you already have people you know there you'll just have to go to…'
Gryffindor!
I can't remember taking the hat off, but I do remember the glare that McGonagall gave me afterwards so I suppose I couldn't have been too gentle with it. Serves the evil thing right for insulting then deafening me though.
So I wandered vaguely over to the red table, Gryffindor, my table I suppose. Lavender and Parvati waved me over to sit next to them, all the while listening for Laidalien's name to be called out. I took my seat and waited for the hysterics to commence; amazingly though it never came, although I swear I saw McGonagall's lip twitch. She pronounced it wrong, or at least much differently from what Laidalien had said it to be, I guess she must have convinced herself that there was no possible way that it could be said as written.
Thankfully the rest of the hall wasn't left too long to puzzle out McGonagall's translation as Laidalien was quickly pronounced to be another ear-shattering Gryffindor! It looked like the Hat wasn't too kind with her either as she slammed the Hat back onto the stool before coming over to where I sat with a face like thunder.
"It made fun of me," was all the explanation I got as she flumped down across from me before immediately hiding her face in her arms.
I got rather odd looks of Lavender and Parvati at this, the latter of whom was stuck sat next to Laidalien.
"Lavender, Parvati, this is…" what to say? Laidalien's head had arisen from her arms when I spoke and I knew from the glare she was giving me that if I dared tell them her name I'd receive a swift kick like she'd promised me back before we'd been Sorted. "Lai." Okay so an eye roll was better than a bruised shin any day.
I probably would have gotten further than that if an angelic choir hadn't interrupted me.
