"One One was a race horse,
Two Two was one too.
When One One Won one race,
Two Two won one too."

(A weirdo thing one the board one time.)

Sorry to confuse you. ONTO THE REVIEWS!

Funky Egyptian

CAKE! (Devours in one bite)

Thankie spankies for the reviews and the awesome party! And I'm glad you liked your sledgehammer. I was going to get you a convertible, but do to massive budget cuts and the fact that I spent way too much time in Borders the last few weeks (FURUBA! YGO DUELIST! MUAHAHAHA!), I think a sledgehammer was much nicer.

Ah yes. I don't know how I thought up the Three Little Cows. I think it was a sugar rush or something…anyway, thanks as always Funky!

Mizz-Serenity-Wheeler

Yay! You found a computer! I knew they had those in Spain!

You are so awesome for being so faithful to reading this story. It's readers like you who make me drag myself off the couch watching cartoon re-runs and coming over to the computer to write!

So what are you confused about? Fill me in, and I'll explain.

I wish I could help you with the sister thing. I have a little brother who, at times, I think has it in for me as well.

All I can do is try to lighten things up. THANK YOU ONCE AGAIN!

Lefthandedfreak

I sense there's an English Teacher in your life you don't like.

I think that English teachers can be really annoying if you don't have a good one. I only like English because you get to write and read in class. However, I have an English teacher who, even though she's a very nice woman, has a tendency to pick the most sexist 'classic' novels and make us read them (DIE FLOWERS FOR ALGERNON! DIE!).

The dream thing was really fun. I don't know why, but I think I enjoy torturing Seto the most out of any other characters.

A MAGIC EIGHT BALL! (Shakes) Will I ever be a great psychotic authoress? (Looks in) 'Ha ha ha ha'?

Anyway, thanks for liking this story so much! Hope you enjoy this one!

Gothangelmyu

To be honest, I think anyone would be upset to be kept called a hallucination.

If Hazel is anything like Joey, I'd defiantly like to meet her. It would be kind of funny if Joey wasn't whacked on the head at birth, but actually some kind of failed, alien experiment that got dropped on Earth.

I missed you last chapter! Come back again next time!

Mokuba's Official Glomper

You dreamed you drove a foot once? Weird, I once dreamed I was being horrifically beaten by a Barbie Doll.

You know, your reviews are so fun, I think you can just write a whole story using them. They're random, they're crazy, and they're funny!

What could I possibly say but thank you for coming back again. Don't go destroying too many things, and stay away from Canada!

Cute lil Yami

That is absolutely grandativly totally sweet! You are so nice. Maybe one day, I will write a frighteningly random novel, that's so funny, so crazy, that it will be the next Harry Potter!

Hooray for ASV!

If you thought this chapter was funny, the next one will be a knockout. Hope you enjoy it, and I hope you scream out laughing again!

Magnum Chaos

Wicked awesome name dude.

Thank you for the review! And for not completely dying of laughing. I don't want any insurance claims on my hands. Oh yeah…heh, well, in honest confession, I'm not that hot in spelling. It is my one true weakness.

And I most certainly will keep an eye out for your stories!

ONTO THE CRAZINESS!

CHAPTER EIGHTEEN

If I only had a Guy with a Really Bad Accent

"Tooth Fairy," Joey whispered, shaking Seto at what felt like two AM on the beautiful island paradise (ha ha) that they were on, "Tooth Fairy, I can't sleep."

"So I have to suffer because of that fact?" Seto asked angrily in a groggy drone.

"Usually, I can't sleep when I feel lonely and scared," Joey said "You know, sometimes I couldn't sleep when I was just a little boy,"

"Intelligence wise, you really haven't made any progress from that point," Seto muttered back, even though half asleep, still possessing the ability to make smart comments.

"You see, back in my parent's house, there was a terrible beast that only came out at night," Joey said. "It was called The Evil Thing That Waits until You Get up To Go to the Bathroom to Dismember You! Wanna hear about him?"

"About as much as I want to nail wooden stakes up my backside," Seto snarled back.

"It's a horrible, malformed creature," Joey said. "He always waits in the bathroom, hoping someone will go in the middle of the night, so he can feed on mortal flesh. However, you can always tell he's in there, because he has a stench that smells of a thousand horses that break wind night and day!"

"Hey…wh-whasup?" said ASV said, groggily getting up, hearing Joey drone on about some stupidish creature that only he could think up.

"Joey's droning on about some stupid creature that only he can think up," Seto said. "Both of you go to sleep before I get ticked and make you shut up."

"What horrible creature do you speak of?" ASV asked.

"The Evil Thing That Waits until You Get up To Go to the Bathroom to Dismember You," Joey said.

"Have you actually seen this…Evil Thing dismember any of your family?" ASV asked.

"Nope," Joey said. "But one night, my Dad saw this terrible entity when going to of to the bathroom, and when he opened the door, the stench of a thousand horses' behinds filled the room, and the horrible monster was standing right in front of him!"

"Did your father escape?" ASV asked.

"Uh huh," Joey said, "but the scary thing was that was the same night I got up to go to the bathroom!"

"Uh…" ASV started.

"But that's not the scariest part!" Joey said. "You see, the day that I left the house on my quest for a brain, the horrible creature left too! So that means that he still wanders this life with cold blood and the urge to hunt me down and dismember me!"

There was silence.

"Joey, as you know, I dislike to hear your nasal, New York Accent twisted voice, but it is only made worse by the fact that you jabber on about chapters of your meaningless life," said Seto dangerously. "I suggest you shut up and go to sleep, before I take a safety pin and pop the air-filled pocked that rests on your shoulders."

"Thank you Tooth Fairy!" Joey said. "You've made me feel so much better!"

With that, he fell flat on the sand and started snoring like a pack of elephants.

"Oddly, this whole conversation was very strange," Seto said. "When I was living in my house, I had as similar experience to Joey. People kept claiming to see a very tall, skeletal figure with skin extremely pale skin and eyes that were icy cold slits who seemed to defy gravity itself. However, I've never seen this figure ever."

"Did it also disappear the day you left home?" ASV asked.

"That very day…" Seto said.

"Uh…g'night," ASV said, quickly going back to sleep.

---ooo---

The next morning was a bright and sunny one, with happy birds singing in the trees, waves gently cascading across pale, sun beached sand, sparkling in the golden yet soft beams of the sun that slowly began to rise in the sky in a sky turned into a pool of purple and gold, turning the tree tops emerald green and the water a magnificent bath of wonder. So beautiful, so majestic, so peaceful-

"I'M HUNGRY!" screamed Joey at the top of his lungs.

"AAAAAAH! I'M AWAKE HEADMISTRISS!" ASV screamed in horror.

"SHUT UP!" screamed Seto angrily.

"I'm so hungry!" Joey said with tears in his eyes. "I haven't eaten for an entire day! I'll never survive! I wither to nothing!"

"Joey, the last day you were on the pirate ship, you consumed nine roasted chickens, six baked pigs, forty sailors biscuits, nine loads of preserved fruit, eight pounds of bacon, ten platters of roasted fish, fourteen deep baked pot pies, eighteen fruit pies, and twelve cheese wheels for a midnight snack," Seto said. "If there's anyway your going to die on this island, it's not going to be from starvation."

"Must have food!" Joey said, stuffing a handful of sand in his mouth and chewing it.

"E-yah," said ASV. "Well, we better get to the other end of the island pronto before he starts trying to eat human flesh. Whoops, too late."

At that minute, Joey began to start chewing on his own leg.

"Never mind," ASV said. "ONWARD MEN!"

"Who died and made you the kind of the world?" Seto asked.

"MORALITY HA-"

"Okay, okay, okay!" Seto said.

"Tooth Fairy, I miss Serenity," Joey said. "And I miss the nice person who cries a lot."

"I don't," Seto said.

"I just wish they were here," Joey said. "I miss the way the nice person always says nice things that are nice, and I miss all the fun times we had together, and I miss my hula outfit, and I missed the way Serenity always kicked you around-"

Seto sighed.

"Well, we'll find them," ASV said. "Now, how are we going to get into the forest without being killed by mosquitoes?"

"OH, OH, I KNOW!" Joey said. "We can go talk politely to the mosquitoes, bake them a pie, sing a happy song, and then they'll let us in!"

"I don't think that will work," Seto said flatly.

"YOU'LL NEVER MAKE ANY FRIENDS WITH THAT KIND OF ATTITUDE!" Joey said.

"Why don't instead of going through the island, we go around it on the shore until we make it to the other end?" Seto asked.

"Pfft, that'll never work!" Joey said.

---ooo---

"Are we there yet?" Joey asked, as he, Seto, and ASV began to walk around the island to get to the other side. Actually, ASV was floating using the power of his strap on wings.

"Joey, we get there when we do," said Seto.

"I love that album," ASV said.

"What?" Seto asked.

"Nothing," ASV said.

"Hey Tooth Fairy," Joey said. "Aintcha worried that you're still afflicted by the curse of the red dog?"

"Joey, unlike you, I have the brain capacity to tell the difference between facts and useless superstitions," Seto said. "THERE'S NO SUCH THING AS THE CURSE OF THE RED DOG!"

"Ha-raow?" said the red dog, bouncing across Seto's path. At that moment, a random blonde, slim, incredibly appealing female pop star appeared out of no where. You know, a typical bimbo-y type of girl who'll either marry a pop star or marry once a month. She also wore the typical pop star look, with one strapped belly shirt that's neck line was too low for comforts, and a pair of sparkly pants with black platforms.

"Oh yeah right," Seto said. "This is the best a stupid superstition could do? Bring on a Brittany Spears clone? You have g-"

However, before Seto could say another word, the pop star person pulled out a huge flame thrower and barbequed Seto's face with it. She then gave him the cold shoulder and walked off.

"You know, call me old fashioned, but that seemed to be on the bad luck lines to me," ASV said.

"Shut up," a barbequed Seto said.

"Oh no!" ASV cried. "While I was busy enjoying the irony of this moment, Joey went missing!"

"Yet again," Seto said. "Let me guess, there will be a tactful left and incredibly convenient ransom note left behind telling us who took him and how to get him back."

"Dear Herr Kaiba and Herr Flying, Cutsie Thing," read ASV from a tactfully left and incredibly convenient ransom note, "I have your little gnome held hostage in my little torture pit. If you wish to see him again in a form that doesn't remind you of Hawaiian Punch, please kindly follow the directions on the map on the back of this note. Warmest wishes, Heir T.T."

"Joy, utter joy," Seto said.

"Seto, this is terrible!" ASV said. "Joey could be brutally tortured! We need to save him!"

"Okay, here's three reasons why I'm not going to," Seto said, holding up three fingers. "Reason one, he's Joey. Two, I hate him. Three, his captor spelt gnome without the 'g'."

"And here's two reasons why you are," ASV said, holding up two fingers. "One, morality. Two, hammer."

"You're nothing without that stupid little mallet, you know that don't you?" Seto said.

"Well, I have a Righteousness Thumbtack in my back pocket, but I find the hammer more effective," said ASV.

"Uh huh," Seto said. "The only thing I can wish for at this point in time is that Joey is being as brutally tortured as I am now."

---ooo---

MEANWHILE, IN A DARK EVIL LAIR! WoOoOoOoO!

"Whoa…" Joey said, hanging upside down by cuffs coming out of the wall in a windowless room. In it was scattered with all manor of various implements of tortures (most things consisting of huge spikes, large heavy objects, and uncomfortable looking body placement devices).

"OH NO! THEY'VE TAKEN ME BACK TO PRE-SCHOOL!" Joey said. "Oh man! I just got out two years ago!"

"Gratings, herr Vheeler," said a very evil sounding voice in a very Germany sounding voice, clearly telling that English was his second language, wearing a cloak that hid his face. "I hope you find your accommodations un-comfort-tayble."

"My whats are what?" Joey asked.

"You probably vish to know my name," said the evil voice. "Zey call me…well, zat's not important. The important thing is that you should prepare to be in ec shrushiating pain."

"AWESOME! PAIN!" Joey said.

"Allow me to entordukey the last people you'll ever see," said the evil voice. "Ziss is Herr David. Iz speciality is mezzing wit one's head, and annoying people with his terrible singing."

Herr David leered unpleasantly, holding a spiky gold club like instrument in his hand.

"Ziss is Herr Gregory," said the evil person. "Iz speciality is to dezstroy yon soul with his dark, incredibly distorted sency of humer."

Herr Gregory was currently reading 'One Hundred and One Incredibly Evil Yet Tastefully Witty Things To Say' from a great big red book.

"And lazt, and very much least, is Herr Jim. He pretty much handles all zee bodily pain…and he cooks several oriental dishes tri-weeklee."

I don't even want to mention what Jim was holding.

"HI EVERYONE!" Joey said happily.

All three waved back.

"Uff corsey, I will come down every so often to keshton you," said the incredibly evil person. "I ave my own spesiall treatements for your kind, Herr Vheeler."

"Yeah, okay," Joey said.

"Farewell, Herr Vheeler," said the evil person, disappearing into the shadows. "Henjoy your last few minutes of enjoying the fact that you are alive."

"Okay! Bye grandpa!" Joey said.

---ooo---

"Oh…oh my lord," ASV said in a dreamy voice, clearly pulling himself out of a daze. "That all went so fast…how did we manage to get past the walls of mosquitoes the size of B-14's?"

"One bit you and sucked your blood, you fainted, I claimed you were dead, and after a generous bribe, they let us through out of sympathy," said Seto.

"Oh yeah, it's all coming back to me now," said ASV. "Hey, wait a minute, weren't you the one that fainted?"

"I don't think we should get into the messy details," Seto said.

The jungle was like a large building more than an actual landscape. The palm trees hissed against each other as a high sea wind rustled through them, and through the roof-like canopy, a shimmering green light was filtered through the leaves. The jungle was incredibly moist, even in the air, and the ground was soft with fallen leaves of countless ages. Birdsong filled the air, as well as that of angry bugs.

"Okay, let's have a look at that map," Seto said, pulling it out. Upon it was a very detailed drawing. The previous sentence, as usual, was a complete lie. It was a piece of computer paper with a huge X that had 'you' written over it, and then there was a dotted line that scrawled all around the paper until at last making it to the top right hand corner that said 'Torture Pit'.

"Well that's about as helpful as the book version of 'How to Read'," said Seto disdainfully.

"Are you completely insane?" ASV said, looking at the map. "It clearly says that we should move straight on from here for thirty yards, take a right at the largest palm tree, go forty more feet, walk along until you see the huge mud pit, turn northward until you hit the nearest clearing, go due west while thinking nice thoughts and counting to ten, and then we'll be right there. Dang, what are you stupid?"

Seto stared at ASV for a moment.

"I'm insane," Seto said. "I rescuing a complete fool, and I'm listening to a hallucination form of Conan the Barbarian."

Despite his usual gripping, he and ASV set off into the jungle anyway.

---ooo---

"Herr Vheeler," said the evil person, opening the door to the cell, sending great shafts of light into the dark room where dust floated dreamily toward the ceiling, creating a very dramatic silhouette. "Ave you suffered horrivic torture from the fiery pits of-VAT IS GOING ON HERE?"

"My faaaaaather used to be a caaaaptaaain, he waaas so ugly and so fat. One day, when he played with his doooollieeeees, he got murdered by a cat. The caaaat was soft and cute and fluuuuuffy-" Joey sang, with the three incredibly weird men of torture singing along, sometimes performing a dramatic echo of the song. Clearly, no one was in a tremendous amount of pain, and they all seemed to be having a heck of a fun time.

"OKAY! ZATS IT! ZATS IT!" screamed the evil person. "Greg, Dave, Jim, you all know what zis means!"

"No smoothie night?" asked Greg.

"Not for a month!" said the evil person. All of the employees started crying.

"Az fer you, Herr Vheeler," said the evil person, pulling out a dodge ball, "I shall have my fun."

"Oh boy! We're going to play Yahtzee?" Joey asked.

"NO HERR VHEELER!" said the evil person. "Ve are going to play 'make the prisoner cry and confess everything he knows, so zat I can be zee ruler of Cuz!"

"Ooh! That sounds like fun!" Joey said.

"Alright scarecrow," said the evil person, bouncing the ball up and down in his hand, intending to make a pitch that would brutally harm Joey, "do you vish to play ball?"

"Yeah, okay," Joey said, as the evil person smacked him in the face. Joey, being blissfully stupid, didn't do anything, except stare blankly and smile stupidly. This, in turn, ticked off the evil person, so he aimed another powerful blow at Joey. It did, once again, hit him, but Joey continued to stare stupidly. As you know, the many biological advantages of being an idiot includes being able to withstand large amounts of physical damage without being hurt.

"I zee I vill have a shalenge wit you, Herr Vheeler," said the evil person. "I assure you that you will talk evenchually!"

"Kay," Joey said.

"SHUT UP!" screamed the evil person, bonking Joey with the dodge ball again. "I bet zat you are trying to win my truzt with your smooth tongue!"

"No," Joey said.

"SHUT UP!" the evil person said again, bonking Joey with the dodge ball again. "I can't stand you with you Americans and your fancy talk. You zink you're so cool, with your Double Mac's and your toilets that flush themselves and your NHL Hockey games for your handheld computers! BUT NO MORE! Today, Herr Vheeler, I shall week my revengey! BWA HA HA HA!"

"Neat," Joey said.

"SHUT UP!" screamed the evil person, hitting Joey with the dodge ball again. "Obviously you are zee type zat doesn't easily talk Herr Vheeler. Hoevar, I have just zee soluteeseeon for you."

"Twenty dollars?" Joey asked.

"Now, zat iz plan bee," said the evil person. "Let us see how easily it iz to stay silent when your friend iz under PAIN!"

"Kay," Joey said.

"SHUT UP!"

Bonk!

---ooo---

"Huge mud pit…huge mud pit…" said ASV looking every which way. "Where the heck is that stupid mud pit? Oh man, we better find it fast, before Joey is brutally tortured to death!"

"Oh no, we can't have that," Seto said in a dead pan.

"MORALITY HAMMER!"

SLAM!

In a look of intense pain on his face, Seto fell face down to the ground.

"DON'T DO THAT!" he yelled, his voice muffled in the dirt.

"Let's face it," ASV said. "Everyone hates it when their hammered by morals, but in the end, when they learn, oh do they learn."

"Thank you," Seto said, pulling himself up in a great amount of pain. "I feel enlightened."

"You're welcome!" said ASV.

"One day, I'll teach you a magical little technique called 'recognizing sarcasm'," Seto said. "Not today though."

"Ez scyuse me meester," said a random guy with a blowpipe.

"What?" Seto asked, not in the mood for anything but beating up a certain flying temporary conscious with strap on wings and a Morality Hammer. Unfortunately, his mood was not to be improved when the blow piper dude blew into his pipe, and with a little 'foomp', a tiny little dart with a cute little feathery tip buried itself in his neck.

"OKAY! THAT'S IT!" Seto roared, rolling up his sleeve. "I've been trapped on this island, with the person I hate more than anything else, I am currently traveling with a hallucination, I…whoa, I'm feeling really dizzy…."

"What's going on?" ASV cried in distress.

"Ah yez," said the evil blow piper person. "He is currently going through the stages of the veint inducing poison on zee the dart. He'z just gone through unbridled furry, and now eez going through dizziness."

"That's the real-OWW!" said Seto, dizzily running into a palm tree.

"Then you feint?" ASV asked.

"Ho no," said the evil drone. "Zen comes zee feeling of complete hopelessness."

"WAAAAAAAAH!" Seto screamed, sinking to the ground and bursting into tears. "I…I'm such a bad person! MY LIFE IS NOTHING BUT AN EMPTY VOID!"

"And then you feint?" ASV asked.

"No," said the blow piper. "Zen comes the feeling of extreme giddiness!"

"WEEEEEE!" screamed Seto, bouncing up and down in the sand. "Isn't life just fun? I want to dance! I want to sing! I WANT TO HUG EVERYONE!"

"Please tell me feinting comes next!" ASV begged.

"No, next you spin around in a circle three times and say the name of a random fruit," said the blow piper.

"APRICOT!" Seto said, as he spun in a circle three times, then abruptly feinted.

"Okay, that's it!" said ASV. "Since you hurt my client, that gives me the right to turn you-"

FOOMP!

The blow piper blew out another dart, which buried itself in ASV's cheek.

"AAAAAARGH!" screamed ASV, raising up his Morality Hammer. "That's it punk! No mercy! When I'm done with you, they won't have enough of you to put in a small thimble! I…hey, whoa…everything's spinning around. Wait hang on, stand still, maybe I can-OWWWW!"

ASV slammed into the exact same coconut tree Seto did.

"OH MAN!" he said, bursting into tears as he slid down the coconut tree. "IT'S HOPELESS! I'm a complete failure, and everyone hates me! I'll never be worth anything, and even if I get reincarnated, I'll screw up again! WAAAAAAAAAH! But…but that doesn't matter! I FEEL SO HAPPY! Let's all dance around and sing uplifting songs! Let's bake some cookies! LET'S-"

Suddenly, ASV spun around three times.

"WATERMELLON!" he screamed, then abruptly fainted.

"Pathetic," said the blow piper, dragging Seto off.

---ooo---

SOME TIME LATTER! WoOoOoOoO!

Seto found himself coming to the same way he came from…dark, in incredible pain, and with the feeling that he needed to knock the stuffing out of someone. It didn't help that he was chained to the wall upside down in what looked like a torture pit with so little light that he literally couldn't see his hand in front of his face. However, he soon learned that all of it was nothing compared to-

"HI TOOTH FAIRY!" Joey screamed, to Seto's horror, right next to him on the wall, except that he had the luxury of being chained right side up.

"MUTT!" Seto yelled angrily. "Tell me what's going on the next five seconds, or I swear, alive or dead, I'll beat the tar out of you."

"That didn't seem like a very polite tone!" Joey said matter-of-factly.

"Of course," Seto said. "The blood is rushing to my head, and the sense is rushing from Joey's."

"Ah, Herr Kaiba," said the evil voice, as the door opened once again, flodding the room with bright sunlight again, as the evil person stepped in. "I hope you enjoy your stay."

"About as much as I'd enjoy my teeth getting pulled." Seto said.

"Vell, now zat you are here," said the evil person. "It is time to reveal…MY TRUE FACE!"

The evil person then, very slowly for dramatic effect, pulled back the hood of his cape. Joey and Seto gasped in shock, for it was none other than-

---ooo---

How's that for a cliffhanger?

I really enjoyed doing this chapter! I think it was my favorite one to write up to date. I mean, there wasn't a single un-funny moment in it anywhere (I don't think), and I think it was exciting from beginning to end. And half the fun was making up the symptoms for the feinting spell inducer.

The Red Dog appears over and over again…beware…

Oh yes, and I don't own the album 'We Get There When We Do' by Suddenly Tammy, and I also don't own Yahtzee. Thought you outta know.

Okay, I don't want to give any free info for the next chapter, because I would give away the name of the mystery man! PLEASE FORGIVE ME! Oh, and see you next week!