AN: It took me way too long how to figure out how to upload and edit this on fanfiction with the new settings. I'm ashamed of myself. Thanks for all the eccentric reviews! I love them! Here's a nice long chapter!
Watch the Pendulum Swing
Its been awhile and Kyle and I are still in the boys bathroom. Guys have come and gone, giving us odd looks but not saying anything and for that I'm grateful. At one point in time there's a huge surge of guys entering the bathroom at once, and still no one says anything to us. Kyle looks like he's having a nervous breakdown. He's pacing, biting his nails, and occasionally pounding his fist into stalls in frustration as he thinks to himself. He hasn't once looked to me for comfort and that's another thing that I'm grateful for. I don't know if I'd be able to do it. Though, at one point when I attempt to leave him so he can think alone, he grabs my shoulder and looks directly at me.
"Kenny, could you just stay?"
I nod slowly and situate myself on my favorite place to sit in the bathroom, on the sinks against the mirrors and watch as he continues on with his movements. It's the only time he talks to me, so I guess he just needs my presence not my advice, which I wouldn't be able to give anyway.
When Cartman walks into the bathroom he snorts as he passes us, "Jesus so its true. Why do all my friends have to be fags?"
I turn to look at him in exasperation, "what do you want Cartman?" I ask.
"Nothing. Just there's talk with the guys that you two have been in here for hours. It's the middle of second period you know, and we are on block schedule."
Kyle stops pacing and we both stare at Cartman, "I didn't hear a bell." Kyle tells him and I nod in agreement.
"Must've been too absorbed in your... what are you guys doing? I assumed you two were just being gay with each other but Kyle's gay for Stan. I'll give you that much credit Jew. If you're going to be gay it's better to be a fag with Stan, at least his family has money."
I didn't even flinch as Kyle walked over and punched Cartman in the face, nor did I flinch as I watched him yelp and fall against the bathroom wall and onto the floor. Kyle stood over him and I thought he was going to attempt to do what Stan hadn't gotten the chance to do before.
Instead, Kyle stared at him for awhile before talking, "this is all your fault Cartman, all of it." With that said Kyle walked out after giving me a distant wave. I raised my hand slightly and Cartman and I watched as he left, both of us a little confused. Kyle hadn't bellowed out any names to Cartman as he usually did to relieve his anger and we both exchanged looks. Our faces were mirrored, I know the same concerned look that rarely graced his face was on my own. This wasn't like Kyle.
"Why cant you just leave him alone for one day Eric?" I ask him as I pass by, heading out the bathroom door to see if I can catch up with Kyle. But not before kicking him for good measures. I hardly call Cartman by his first name but when I do he knows I'm being serious.
When I emerged, the halls were empty as class was in session and Kyle was nowhere in sight. I sighed to myself. He had probably already headed for his second period, and from glancing at one of the schools clocks it looked like second period was going to be over soon. I wondered to myself if I should even bother heading to class, and I opted out. Instead I made my ways outside toward the bleachers. I could get my smoke in now even though I didn't crave it as much as I had earlier. Its just something to do to pass the time.
For a school as big and strict as this one you'd think it was hard to skip out of class and that it'd be near impossible to walk on the schools field without someone seeing you, but I've noticed that certain teachers look the other way when they see the seniors ditching. No one wants to deal with us if they can help it. They pretty much just want us to graduate and get the hell out of here after having to teach us for four years.
Getting to the bleachers I take out my lighter and realize I don't have any cigarettes, before I can kick something in aggravation one of the schools druggies holds out something to me. I look at the black haired guy and see that he's one of the seniors that are permanently on narcotics. I don't even know the guys name.
"No thanks," I tell him as I look at the white pills in his hands.
He chuckles as he drops them back in his pocket. "That's right, Kenny McCormick, occasional chain smoker, small time alcoholic and sex fiend doesn't do any hardcore drugs."
I shrug at him in response and he hands me a cigarette from a different pocket, I take this and sniff it to be sure. He chuckles again, "it's a normal cig, I promise." He tells me
Right, like I'd take some random guys word. I light up and inhale a few smokes. It's the real stuff. I nod a thanks and turn away, but he walks back into my line of view and I watch as he watches me for awhile. Every time I turn away he walks back into my range and finally I just take a few hurried puffs and smash it against the cold metal of the bleachers and turn to go, "thanks again for the cig." I tell him as I start to walk away.
"Hey I don't suppose you'd be up for a quick fuck?"
Slightly appalled I turn to face him slowly, "what did you say?" There was no way I heard that clear, but he repeats himself with a smile and I look at him in disgust. "Fuck off," I tell him.
"I was hoping you'd join me?"
I continue to ignore him, he's filled with the white pills he offered me earlier and therefore he probably doesn't know what he's doing. Not to mention years of bull shit from Cartman has built me up to a resistance of idiocy. Still, I'm pretty pissed, even more so since every stoner at these bleachers, and there are quiet a few, hear what he's saying to me. These aren't the types of people to pretend they don't hear what's going on. They just turn their drug filled heads to the disturbance and stare.
"Don't get it Kenny, you'll screw everything, even your old man but you wont screw me?"
I stop walking again to look at him. I can see some of the potheads seem to be trying to wane off the drug effects as they watch to see what I'll do. And the thing is I don't know what I want to do. I know what I should do, as my eyes had widened at what he said but they suddenly return to their normal size. And suddenly I'm tired and I don't care what he said and I just head back into the school.
By the time lunch swings around I see Kyle talking to Wendy. They're talking in hushed tones and both their faces are serious. I see Wendy nod and smile at Kyle before turning away to walk off, her facing changing from a smile to something that resembles pure anger.
I approach his side, he turns to look at me. "What was that about?" I ask him pointing my head in the direction that Wendy had left. My voice is dull and so is his.
Kyle's eyes follow the direction of my head, "nothing really. I just told Wendy the truth. I told her, yeah I like Stan but that he's straight and that Cartman was wrong. She believes me. Now she can get back together with Stan." He looked back at me.
"You don't like Wendy," I inform him.
"It isn't about that."
I shift my stance, "Kyle, Stan doesn't want to get back together with her."
"How do you know that?"
"What do you think? He told me."
"When did he say that?"
"When... he was at my house on Friday." I didn't tell him he was drunk. I'm not sure how that would fly with him.
Kyle frowns but he doesn't say much, "oh. Well I'm going home."
"What, Why?"
"I just want to go. You can still come over for the tutoring session."
"Kyle if you don't feel up to it, you don't have-"
He cuts me off, "no, its fine. I'll be fine by then, and I want to help you. See you this afternoon." He starts to walk off backwards in one direction, pointing to something behind me as he walks. "You'll want to hear that," he says before turning back around, disappearing around the hallway corner. I hadn't even looked behind me before I started hearing a high pitched yell. I see Wendy yelling at Cartman about something. Even though she's yelling, there's so much anger behind her voice that I can only understand a few of the words she's saying. I hear liar, asshole and then I hear and see the slap she gives him before stomping off.
Looks like whatever Cartman and Wendy had, or were going to have is over. Cartman looks a little stunned and people begin to stare but he soon breaks himself out of it and is about to go after Wendy when he sees me. I start to wonder why I'm always at the "right" place at the "right" time as he walks over to me. He's angry and even though he cant fight worth shit, he still looks menacing since he's so big.
"Where is he!" He yells in my face and I know he means Kyle. "Where is he!" He repeats before I can even answer, "I'm going to kill him, I'm going to kill that fucking Jew!"
I'm used to Cartman's outbursts and despite what has been happening today I feel rather and oddly calm. "Why?" I ask him, even though I know, after all I was there to witness it.
"That ass fucker ruined things between Wendy and me!"
"Cartman," I sigh and talk quietly trying to lower his voice. "You and Wendy never had anything, you were an instant rebound she had when she thought Stan didn't like her anymore. Whatever you thought you had was something in your head, and your head alone."
For only the second time in his life, Cartman looks a little crushed and I almost want to comfort him and before I can stop myself I pat him gently on the shoulder, but he just shrugs me off and walks away. Even though it was his own damn fault I almost feel a little bad for Cartman. Almost.
When I continue down the hall toward the cafeteria, my calm manner vanishing as quickly as it came, Stan soon walks up to me, confusion written all over his face.
"Wendy just said she wants to get back together. She said she found out that what Cartman said wasn't true, and that she's sorry for not believing me when I said otherwise."
"Getting back together then?"
Stan gives me a look of horror, "of course not. You made me realize she isn't who I want. Besides, did I not tell you that I was content with it just being you and me now?"
Now confusion is on my face, "but you were drunk when you said that."
"Just because I was drunk doesn't mean I didn't mean it."
"But, now you know Kyle doesn't have a thing for you." It's a lie but he doesn't know that.
He rubs the back of his forearm and his wrist, "yeah, but I'm not so sure of that actually. Hey, you sound like you don't want me around, as if you're trying to shove me back with Kyle." He looks put off by this, somewhat pained and I wave the idea dismissively with my hand.
"That isn't it..." My dull voice has returned and it seems Stan feels it, maybe my face says it all but he kinda nods and looks around.
"Want to talk in an empty classroom or something?"
I shake my head. No, I don't want to talk in a classroom, I don't want to talk in this school. Too much bad shit starts in this school.
"Maybe after school?" He suggests and I nod slowly but then stop mid when I remember I'm meeting Kyle directly after school ends.
"Not after. Later on tonight?" I ask him.
"Yeah, that should be fine and if you come over around six my mom should have some dinner cooked up by then if you want some?"
I nod and he nods and we walk to the lunchroom together. He looks over at our usual table and sees Kyle isn't there. I can see his eyebrows raise in question. I expect he'll ask me where he is but he doesn't. Cartman isn't in the cafeteria either and we end up sitting with some of Stan's team mates from football. Guys I don't normally talk too, and who don't usually talk to me. I end up not saying a word, even though a few times Stan tries to involve me in the conversation. I'm just not all that interested in sports as of now, which is what they're talking about. I mean I have my moments, but lately I'm not having them.
I feel like a huge weight has been released from my chest when I hear the final bell. Unfortunately its only Monday so I'll have to do it all over again tomorrow, yet if tomorrow is as dramatic as today was I think I'll stay home. Since Stan and I don't have the same last period we've agreed to meet at his car after school and as I'm strolling through the parking lot someone honks behind me and I turn and see her in her car, smiling at me.
Looking around, seeing that Stan isn't in sight I approach the car but don't make a move to get in.
"I told you, I don't need you dropping me off or picking me up from school. This morning was the last time."
"Aw, what are you ashamed of me Kenny?" She croons irritatingly.
"Very," I respond and look around again. I can see Stan walking out of school with a few of his football buddies. He catches my eye and waves with a smile. I smile back awkwardly and wave back, attempting to hide her from his view, hoping its working.
"Real cute Kenny," she speaks up again, but the smile and crooning are gone from her face. She's annoyed, and I turn back to her. "Who is that, your little boyfriend?"
"No, not that I have to explain shit to you. Just get out of here before anyone sees me talking to you alright?" I'm getting angry and in turn so is she.
"Fine. Coming over today or not?" She asks as she adjusts her driving stick.
"Not."
She humphs and drives off just as Stan reaches my side. "Hey, who was that?"
"No one important," I mutter as I start walking toward his car. He stays at my pace and says nothing else about it. But he has that face on. The one that says he wants to know more, and its intensified as he watches her drive further from the high schools property.
The drive home is in complete silence, well silence on my part. Stan keeps looking over occasionally as he's driving, trying to engage me but I keep my eyes focused on the passing snowy landscape. The day is clear and doesn't at all fit my mood. When he pulls up at the side of my house I grab my stuff from the back seat and reach over to hop out when he hits the automatic locks, locking me inside. I turn to face him in question.
He doesn't say anything for a moment and I have no intention on initiating conversation so we end up sitting in his car, with the heat still on and the music turned off. He finally turns to me after he's gathered his thoughts.
"Kenny..." He stops then starts again, "Kenny when I said I needed you that time, that I needed normalcy I was being honest. Maybe a little over emotional, but honest. What I never said was that I didn't want this to be one sided. Today gave it away, you need me too. Maybe not me, but someone and I want it to be me. We're friends after all and don't think I didn't notice you didn't show up for second period. I wasn't going to say anything but now I think something happened that period and probably the periods after, just before lunch."
He stops, but I don't say anything, though I do give him a slight nod so he knows I was listening. I watch him unlock the car doors and I step out. He drives off, and I go inside my house. Kevin is sitting inside and is as usual watching television. I sigh at this display and head to my room, stopping when I reach the closed door of my parents room.
Only two people know what went on in that bedroom when I was thirteen. Myself and my father. It only happened a few times and I'll never forget what he did to me and I know I should have told someone, but he stopped and at the time I was so fragile. Which is hard to admit. Rather then rat on my dad, who doesn't even remember because he was always so drunk, I started to run.
Every night I'd go out and just run for miles whether it was cold or not, trying not to think about what he had done to me. 'You'll screw your old man but you won't screw me?'
He cant really know. I know he doesn't know, he was just saying that to be a dick.. But it pained and shocked me to hear those words slip from a complete strangers lips. When I ran I forgot and eventually I grew up. I put on some muscle mass and I hit that growth spurt. And even though I never should have felt safe in my house again I did enough, because I knew I could do something if he ever tried again. But he didn't, and I haven't let it bother me since. Someday I'll tell someone, I'll need to I guess, but not right now. Right now I continue to my room.
My bed, as dirt infested as it is, looks inviting given my emotional burnt out. As much as I want to take its invitation I ignore it, and go through my books deciding which ones I ought to bring to Kyle's. I don't want to walk, but it isn't as if I have a choice in the matter.
With those energizing thoughts in my brain I strap my book bag across my chest and head back out, not even bothering to tell my brother where I'm off too. He doesn't care.
Our house is probably only a degree warmer inside than the outdoors. But that one degree made all the difference the few minutes I was inside. Either that or it got a little bit colder and I find it useless to tighten my coat around my body. I'm just going to have to deal with the temperature like always. I try and walk to Kyle's at a fast pace to keep my body temperature up and by the time I reach his house I'm out of breath, out of breath but warm.
Walking up his driveway I see his parents aren't home, and when I knock on the front door Ike answers. I'm rubbing my hands together and jumping in place, "Kyle in?" I ask.
"He's upstairs," he gives me a look I cant read before moving aside to let me in.
Why the fuck am I always being stared at?
I say nothing more to Kyle's Canadian brother and make my way up the stairs to his room. I knock first before entering, "Kyle?" I call out as I walk in. In his room the shades are drawn and the only light is coming from his desk lamp where I see his head resting on his arm. About to flick on his main light, wondering why he's working under such poor lighting conditions when he doesn't have to, I hear the faint sound of deep breathing.
"Kyle?" I say his name again but softer as I walk up to him, dropping my bag and jacket on his floor. I find him in a deep sleep, all his own text books laying open on the large desk. There's an empty seat to his left he set up for me and I take it. I don't want to wake him and as I glance over at his books; Advanced Calculus, AP Russian, AP Literature, etc. I see a smaller book under his arm where his elbow is resting. Its not a school book. I twist my head around to get a better look, and read the first few lines on the page closest to me.
'Stan found out. He's spending a lot of time with Kenny because of it. I never thought I'd see the day that I'd be jealous of any of my friends for anything. Especially Stans attention, but I am. I just want my best friend back. Even so, when I think about it, Kenny hasn't ever had the type of relationship with anyone that Stan and I have. Had. Maybe something good will come from it for him, if not me.'
I stop reading when I come to the conclusion that its his journal. I look up at his sleeping face and reach up to touch a red curl. My eyes fall on picture I hadn't noticed before. Its on his bedside, a picture he must see every morning. It was taken just last year. It wasn't taken on any special occasion, it was just an ordinary day and Butters was walking around school with the new camera he had just gotten for his birthday. He had asked if the three of us, Stan, Kyle and myself could be his first focus.
I smile remembering Stan had made a joke about it. Something to do with Butters jacking off to all the pictures. We had laughed, he had blushed not at all denying it, but we agreed as long as we each got a copy of one or two. He nodded nervously. We had fun with it. In most of them we were joking around, pretending to pick each others noses, crap like that. At the time Butters was obviously getting frustrated, he wanted one good picture of the three of us. So for the very last one we just smiled, arms on each others shoulders. Stan was on the right, I was in the middle and Kyle was on the left. Our smiles were wide.
When the pictures developed we laughed hard and pointed at all our ridiculous antics. Though, our laughter halted when we came across the last picture Butters had taken. The only one where we stopped kidding around. We stared at in silence and so did Butters and a few others that had been around us flipping through the photos along our sides. Stan had a lopsided smile that suggested he was a playboy when he really wasn't. Kyle's smile was somewhat eccentric, his green eyes glistened with the intelligence that was behind them and my smile... I cant remember the last time I had smiled like that. Probably when that picture was last take. My eyes were just as bright as my two friends and my smile was wide filled with a sort of... promise, a hope.
That one picture had turned out incredible and Butters insisted on keeping it but we had been firm. This one would be ours. We wanted three copies, one for each. This same picture was on Kyle's side table, and thinking about it... It was on Stan's dresser and it was on my desk somewhere, hidden beneath the piles of clutter. What made this picture even more special was that I was in the middle, something both my friends insisted on in the middle of our laughter.
I turned away from the picture, Kyle was still fast asleep. Gathering my things I headed back downstairs running into Ike as he was going upstairs.
"You cant be done studying yet," he said as I passed him.
"No, Kyle's asleep."
"So? Just wake him up."
"No, its alright, just tell him I came by and that I'll see him tomorrow okay Ike?"
Ike shrugged, "sure."
Heading back into the cold weather didn't faze me, because the same thing kept playing in my mind, taking all my attention. My own voice talking to me, asking 'what the fuck are you getting at?'.
AN: I had no intention on ending the chapter here, but it felt right enough. The next chapter is already in the works since the story is nearly over. Please read and review!
Faery Goddyss
