Watch the Pendulum Swing

'What the fuck are you getting at?'.

I sigh, and continue walking down one of South Parks few neighborhood streets. What am I doing? What the hell do I think I'm doing? How selfish can I be. I'm consciously, creating a wedge between Kyle and Stan, and for what? Because I'm lonely? Needy? Pathetic is what I am. Oh, I've being trying to shrug it off because Stan says he needs this, and that I'm being there for him, but why am I excluding Kyle?

Those last few lines from Kyle's journal... 'Even so, when I think about it, Kenny hasn't ever had the type of relationship with anyone that Stan and I have. Had. Maybe something good will come from it for him, if not me.'

Even through this ordeal, with being found out, he's thinking of me. I don't know what time it is, but I know its no where near time for me to head to Stan's. Which... is good. I need to think this through. I need to get my thoughts together. The old urge to run is starting to surge through me, but its too cold and I'm too miserable. I don't want to run from this. I want, and need to fix it.

That picture on Kyle's side table has reminded me that I need both my friends. Kyle knows things about me Stan doesn't and vice versa. Can I be comfortable with telling Stan everything Kyle knows? I don't know.

Before I can register what I'm doing I sprint home, using the power I once used to run from the problems my dad caused me, to fuel my cold and withered body home. I rush in, and head past Kevin, who is still in the same place I left him last. Swinging my parents bedroom door open I interrupt what must be a make up session. I could care less that I caught them in the act. I barely register their entangled bodies and my mothers shriek and my dads yell as they question me.

Fuck them.

I jerk open my fathers bottom drawer, the one with the gay porn and the alcohol. I toss the few clothes out and the porn. I feel my dad drop a hard stiff hand on my shoulder, he's about to pull me back and I don't even hear his pissed off antics, but I do hear him ask me what the fuck I think I'm doing.

I don't know what emotion was on my face but he instantly released me when our eyes locked.

"I'm taking these," I mutter, my arms filled with the stash that has since been replenished since Stan and I had taken some last. Fumbling with the drinks and closing the drawer, I meet both my parents eyes. My mom gathered the sense to pull a sheet to cover herself but my father is still fully exposed and erected.

They don't know what's come over me and I don't even really know, but I have a few ideas.

I make my way to leave but my mother's voice stops me, "Kenny, what's wrong? What're you doin'?"

I don't even know my eyes are releasing tears until she gasps. She sits up further, tightening the blanket around her. My dad is uncomfortable and he's finally retreated to her side, hiding himself beneath the covers, not really looking at me.

"I'm going," I say softly. "And I'm taking these," I hold up the liquor in case they don't know what I was talking of. "And um..." I look down at the porn magazines. They were thrown haphazardly and a few are lying open, I wipe my tears away.

My mom looks curious and follows my eyes down to what I'm looking at, and she sees the porn. She looks at my dad, her jaw dropping. My dad is fidgeting but he says nothing.

"I thought you were a goddamn homophob, and here I find you're gettin' off on queers fucking each other in the ass!" She suddenly screams, and I wonder why she screamed. Can she really not know of dad's gay porn stash? Its not well hidden. I don't know what my dad looks like or what kind of anger is on my moms face. I'm looking down at one of the open pages from the magazines. I'm entranced by it, and then I throw up.

I don't look, but I know my mom has turned back to face me. "Kenny!" Her voice has hints of confusion but mostly worry in it. I wipe my mouth on the sleeve of my jacket, still looking at the page which is now covered by what erupted from my stomach. I can still see part of the picture from the magazine.

"Kenny!"

She gets up, reaches over and places a hand on my forehead. I'm not hot. She's about to take the drinks from me but I come back to my senses and back away before she can grab them.

"I said I'm taking these and that I'm going," I repeat.

"You're not goin' anywhere! No son of mine is goin' to be drinkin' underage, and he sure as hell aint leaving this house after he just up chucked! Give me the booze Kenny!"

"No," I say softly, my eye finding themselves on my dads. He was already looking at me but now our eyes are locked again. I said it before I knew I had.

"You learned how to fuck guys from looking at a magazine? And here I thought it was common sense. A dick and a hole. But this position..." My eyes turn back to the vomit covered magazine. "That's one I hadn't even known about. Is this how you learned how to do that to me? I'm sure it works better if you have a willing participant."

I walk out. The screaming has already started, but I hardly care. I'm already in my room. I toss a few clothes in a bag, and then the drinks, hearing them clink together. Hefting the bag on my shoulder I head to my window, and knock out the loosely fit pane with my foot. I'm halfway out the window before I turn back and toss the papers on my desk around, looking.

"Where are you?" I mutter to myself, shoving the papers off my desk, a part of my mind warning me not to tear some of them since its school work. I find what I'm looking for. I give the picture a small smile and whisper to it. "I'll fix everything, I promise."

Stuffing it with more carefulness that I had with anything else, its in my bag and I'm outside, and running away from my house, just because I can.

I will fix everything.

I will.

When I finally run out of breath. I stop and pant on the sidewalk. Taking in deep breaths and some really quick ones. I had intended on going to Starks Pond, but there's bound to be a crowd. Its that time of day. Instead I sit and rest at the corner edge of the woods that's at the higher altitude of South Park. The place the aliens first came, where they put that probe up Cartman's ass. I laugh remembering, and I'm sure if anyone had been around they would have rushed off. I must have looked crazed. I felt crazed. Completely disoriented, not knowing what the fuck I was doing. Just doing.

Leaning against a tree for support, my laughter dies and I continue to catch my breath. The day is still clear, cold, but clear. Sliding off the support of the tree I fall into the soft untouched snow. I shiver a little bit and ignore the sound of glass breaking. I hadn't bothered to take the bag filled with clothes, booze and the picture from my body.

My eyes are facing upwards, examining the blue sky, and soon enough I fall asleep.

When I finally wake up its from coldness. Its dark now and I sit up and look around, forgetting where I am but then remembering it. Remembering it all.

Kyle. Stan. The picture. The confession to my mom, and taking off. I shiver and hug myself as I stand up, adjusting the strap bag on my back. I winch when I stand. There's a pain in my back. Shit, great. The glass from the broken bottles must have cut through the bag and into my skin, and because I was so out of it I hadnt noticed when they first pierced my skin.

Stupid, fucking flimsily piece of cloth!

I want to rip the bag off my back, but just as I'm attempting to do so I hurt myself more, dragging the shards against the cloth. Wincing in pain I stop and take a deep breath. Taking things slower, I'm able to peel off the bag and my jacket without too much pain. Lifting my shirt slightly I stop when I feel the angle of the glass shift. Okay, fuck that plan. Its not like I could take them out without a mirror anyway.

Too lazy to put my jacket and bag back on in their rightful spots I hold on to them and wonder what time it is. I really wish I had a watch. The sky is dark, and not twilight dark, dark. It must be late... I wonder how long I slept... Never mind, I'm getting colder, especially now since I took off my jacket.

Because of the night, its far harder to see my surroundings. I used go here a lot though, when I was trying to find my drug compatibility without someone finding out about it. In the end I opted out on all drugs and stuck with cigarettes. The point is, even in the dark, if I go slow, I can find my way back to the main road.

It takes awhile, and I end up putting my jacket on begrudgingly, before I reach the road. Its deserted and I can see the town is asleep. Lights are off and the only illumination is the street lamps. I walk slowly, kicking some snow, wondering what my mom did to my dad. I wonder if she tossed him out, or if she called the cops. I doubt both. I'm thinking about this when I realize that time has passed and I've stopped walking. I look up at the house I've unconsciously led myself to. I hesitate, maybe it would be better to keep walking and go somewhere else.

But where else could I go? I don't feel like being discovered just yet. I haven't had time to think properly. Taking my steps few at a time, more than once turning around to head back, I finally reach the front steps and knock on the door.

As I wait for it to open, I hear the distant barking of a dog. I turn to look, as if expecting the dog in question to appear.

"Kenny?"

I turn back to the door, she looks tired and slightly confused but her confusion turns to scorn. She's wearing a silk negligee and she doesn't look happy to see me.

"I was just about to go to bed," she tells me.

"Yeah... what time is it?" I ask her.

She gives me a strange look and glances behind her, probably at the large clock that's on the opposite wall. "12:05 or so."

I nod. Stan's probably a little worried, maybe even Kyle if he attempted to contact me, that is if he woke up. My parents probably aren't. I disappear all the time.

"Kenny, what are you doing here? I thought you weren't coming over today?"

"I didn't, and I said that yesterday."

She smiles softly and it reminds me why I bothered to get involved with her when I did. She was nice when she wasnt attacking you.

"Cheeky bastard," she says as she gestures me to come inside, while saying so. "Come inside, you look like shit and," she sniffs the air, "you smell like it too. Want a shower?"

I nod, and head inside after her. Giving me a towel she watches as I step in her bathroom, not closing the door behind me as I start to undress.

"Want some company in there?"

"No," I tell her. "But, could you help me out of this shirt? I fucking cut myself and it hurts, but I cant get it off alone."

She steps up behind me and helps, when she gasps quietly I know she must have come across the glass and the cuts.

"Jesus, what did you do to yourself?" She asks me as she scoots me into the bedroom for better light. I lay on her bed, my stomach against the mattress. I don't answer as I feel her sit against my lower back, her legs at my sides. I winch when I feel her pick out the shards. I sigh in relief when I feel her weight off my back and even more when I feel a cool cloth on the cuts I've received.

"What's in the bag? You moving in?" She asks as she bandages the cuts.

I glance over at the discarded bag on her bathroom floor, "just stuff I need. Can I stay here for a few days?"

When I notice she's stopped bandaging my cuts I twist to look at her, she looks at me carefully.

"Just till the end of the week?" I continue.

She doesn't say anything but she nods, and gently pats my back, "done." She says softly.

I get up and head into the shower, like my original intention had been. When I'm clean and changed I walk back into her room. She's tucked herself in her bed and she's laying on her side, looking at me.

"What?" I ask as I crawl into bed next to her, turning my back on her. She gently caresses my back and slides her finger up and down my bare arm. I feel a few of her kisses on my shoulder before she answers.

"After this week, you're not coming back here again are you?"

I don't say anything and rest my head into her soft pillows. I hear her sigh but she doesn't say anything more. I've answered her with my silence. If I'm to fix everything that means she has to go. I don't think she'll care that much, she'll find someone else. It was just sex.

I let her drape her arm around my waist, and before long I know she's fast asleep. She's asleep but I'm wide awake. I already had a ten hour nap, no part of me is tired. But I'm comfortable so I see no point in moving. I can hear the ticking of the clock in her room and I wish the window I was facing didn't have curtains. My eyes fall on my bag, the picture is sticking out and I sigh. I have a right to disappear, every right, but I don't want certain people to worry over my sudden absence.

Slowly and carefully climbing out of bed I walk over to her side table and pick up the cordless phone, going inside the bathroom and shutting the door so I don't wake her. I dial the number I don't know very well since I don't have the means to call anyone and listen to the ringing of the phone. I know Stan has his own personal phone line so I know I wont be waking anyone but him up. On the second ring I hear someone answer the phone.

"Hello? Kenny!"

I hear Stan's frantic voice, and smile, but just slightly. At least he really was worried, and I release the breath I was holding. I don't know what I would have done if I had woken him up, him comfortably asleep not at all perturbed that I didn't show up for dinner.

"Yeah-"

I begin but he cuts me off, "are you alright? where the fuck are you? Why didn't you show up! I was fucking worried! I went to your house and it was all in an uproar. Your mom was bitching and crying and your dad, was sobbing too, what the fuck is going on! Your mom said you just took all this liquor and just bolted and they hadn't seen you since!"

I finally have to interrupt him. "I'm fine. Sorry for not showing up, I'm at... a friends. My dad was sobbing?"

"Kenny, where are you? What happened?" The worry in his voice is gone since he knows I'm alright, but now he wants answers, ones I cant give right now.

"I just called to say I was okay."

"What! No, wait, do you need me to pick you up or something?"

"That's alright, I said I was at a friends."

"Who? Kenny, at least tell me who you're with."

"Maybe another time," I can hear her call out my name from the bedroom. "I should go. I just need a bit of time to think. Don't worry, I'll fix everything. See ya, Stan."

I hang up to him still talking, asking "what do you mean you'll fix everything?" Luckily this number is unlisted so he wont be able to call back. I go back into the bedroom and she's peering at me in the dark.

"Who'd you call?"

"A friend, just to let him know I'm alright."

I slide back into bed next to her, and she places her arm back around my waist, but this time I'm facing her.

"Oh. Your boyfriend? The cute one with the black hair I saw at your school today?"

"He's not my fucking boyfriend."

I can see her smile in the dark as she kisses my neck and rests her head against my chest, "uh huh." She says, closing her eyes.

"He's not." I say quietly, running my fingers through her hair. "He's straight."

"I'm sorry," she says, her voice losing power as she get more tired and even yawns a few times. "How do you know he's straight?"

"... he gets jumpy, kind of nervous around gays, avoids them too."

"Sounds more like he doesn't want to accept his own sexuality, sweetie." She gives me another tired kiss on my clothed chest. "And if he avoids them why does he hang out with you?"

"He doesn't know I swing that way occasionally," I answer, not really paying any more attention to her.

My thoughts fly back to how Stan's been insistent about avoiding Kyle, his nervousness around him, the so called normalcy he needs with me.

"Hmm..."

"What?" She gives a giant yawn and tightens her hold around me.

"Just go to sleep," I say, thoroughly annoyed with her constant yawns.


AN: This chapter was eagerly and fiercely written. I was typing like a madwoman. On a random note this will ber HER last appearence. Hey, she's only a toy and Kenny is growing up. Stan and Kenny romantically? Well, you'll see. The story is almost completed and there are two things that I cant wait for you all to read!

Faery Goddyss