The Looney Bin
By
Riceball
Late. It was terribly late that night as the mustachioed plumber in green walked down the streets to get to his hotel room. Though he had somehow earned his stay in these types of events, Luigi was a rather reluctant fighter.
'I'd rather be at home doing laundry right now,' he thought as he walked through the large city. He was already feeling a little nervous about his current situation, after hearing stories of other tournament participants being mugged and whatever else went on in those dark allies. Heck, he was scared of the dark itself, meaning Luigi's "walk" was more of a "run from each street lamp to the next" type of thing.
It was when he was passing by the local bar, Soldier's Spirit, that a very manly yell erupted from the building. The doors literally blew off the place as Kratos, Slayer of Gods, stepped out in an extremely angry mood, or, rather, a fouler mood than he was usually already in.
"Where is that little brat!" he yelled in all his might. "When I get my hands on him, I swear I'll rip out his spine and use it to impale his own skull!"
As Kratos stormed off back into the bar, causing much ruckus as he did, Luigi stuck his quivering head out of the cardboard box in the alley across the street. He'd taken up residence there as soon as he heard the wrathful yell. Luigi sighed, removing a small garbage bag that had managed to place it self on his hat.
"I wonder who-a he was-a looking-a for?" the plumber said aloud as he stood up and stepped out of the small box.
"That would be me," said a young boy as he popped his head out of the adjacent trashcan. Luigi looked down at the boy from his new perch atop the ladder rungs of a fire escape.
"What-a happened? Why was he-a after-a you?" he asked as he climbed down.
"I have no idea!" said the boy. "All I did was go up to him and ask if he'd like to buy some info on who he's facing first round, but then he nearly tore my head off for just talking to him! It was all I could do to get away."
Luigi thought for a moment. "Isn't he-a facing-a Alucard first round?" he asked.
"Yep," came the boy's reply.
"How would you know information on Alucard?" asked the plumber.
The kid smiled to himself and answered in a show of confidence "The name's Django. I'm a vampire hunter!"
"V-Va-Vampire Hunter?" Luigi looked at the boy nervously.
"Yep." Django replied. "I actually fought against the vampire Alucard not too long ago. Of course, he was no match for me." The boy said all this in an extremely confident tone. "Would you like to hear how I did it? You could probably use the info if you run into him during the tournament."
Luigi thought for a moment, and eventually decided it couldn't hurt. He nodded in approval for Django to start his tale.
"Alright!" Stated the boy as he sat himself on top of the trash can he just exited. "This is how it went..."
---
"Blast. No good. No good," Alucard, the half-vampire prince, said to himself as he fervently went over some documents and maps in his quarters. "This plan is no good. I need to think of another."
Suddenly, there was a knock on the door, but Alucard was hardly startled. He could sense who ever it was before they even got there. "Who is it? Show yourself," proclaimed the vampire prince. As the door opened, in stepped the young boy, Django, holding a strange looking gun type of weapon.
"And who are you, boy?" Alucard asked.
"My name's Django, the Solar Boy," the boy said. "I'm a vampire hunter".
Alucard looked at the child and couldn't help but smile to himself. "Well isn't that cute," Alucard replied. "But it's wrong!"
"Wrong?" the boy asked, confused. "I'm a vampire hunter. I hunt vampires. That's what I do."
Alucard looked to the boy, and began to explain things to him. "Listen kid, you could never hope to bring me in. Now why don't you just go play with your toy gun outside and leave me be?" He pushed the child toward the door, anxious to get back to his documents.
"It's not a toy! It's the instrument of your destruction!" Django yelled as he turned around and opened fire on the vampire. Alucard looked down in amusement as a ray of flashing light danced from the gun on his chest.
"Hmm. Quite," he said as he slammed the door.
Django stood there looking puzzled. 'The Gun De Sol had no effect? How could this be?' he thought to himself. 'Fine. If I cannot apprehend him through conventional means, then I shall have to resort to other tactics!'
---
The next day, Django was out in the middle of a deserted, forested road, painting a giant red "X" in the middle. In comedic fashion, above the X hung an anvil tied to a rope, which was tied off at a nearby tree through a pulley. Django quickly leapt into the bushes and awaited his prey. 'When he walks by, SPLAT!' he thought to himself.
Soon enough, Alucard came walking by. Django let the rope loose, but his timing was off. The massive cartoon prop fell, barely missing Alucard, who continued to walk off, seemingly unaware of what had just happened. 'Hmmm... maybe I need to rethink this a little,' the Solar Boy thought to himself.
A little while later, the boy had rushed down the path ahead of Alucard. He set up the same trap, but this time he placed a plate full of raw steaks, which he quickly labeled "Vampyre fud", in the center of the "X" mark.
As Alucard came upon the bait, he stopped to comment. "Hmm... I guess I am getting a bit hungry." As he stood there about to feast on his newfound meal, Django let loose the rope around the nearby tree... only to have the rope catch on the pulley, leaving the anvil dangling just above Alucard's head.
"Bleech! These steaks are extremely rare! I prefer mine medium-well!" Alucard exclaimed as he tossed down the meat and continued his walk down the path.
Django, confused, walked over to examine the bait. "Medium-well, huh?" he said, when suddenly the rope came loose from the pulley, causing the anvil to crush the poor child.
---
Django was now on a deserted road, setting up a large catapult. On the road was another red "X" mark, but this time the bait was properly cooked. 'Hee hee! When he comes up, the catapult will launch this giant rock at him, and flatten him!' Django thought.
As Django hid himself behind the catapult, he could see Alucard approaching from a distance. The half-vampire was running. So fast, in fact, that it was kicking up a huge cloud of dust behind him. Upon reaching the bait, he came to an immediate halt, the force of which caused his body to vibrate back and forth. Once the motion had stopped, Alucard, who had his arms tucked to his body as if he were imitating a chicken, bent down and began to feast.
Django saw the opportunity, pulling a small cord to launch the boulder, but the cord simply broke off, with the contraption not firing. Frustrated, Django began pulling on the contraption in different places, eventually ending up on top of the boulder, stomping up and down. It was then that the catapult fired, but instead of sending Django and the rock into the air, it simply smashed them both into the ground, with Django breaking the boulder's fall, of course.
Slowly, Django's upper body emerged from underneath the massive boulder. As he sat there, contemplating what had just happened, he looked up to see Alucard standing over him. The vampire prince, who was still in his chicken stance, stuck out his tongue, then gave an enthusiastic "Beep beep!" before turning and speeding off back down the road.
---
Django had now set up a large spring on the side of a stone that was positioned next to the road. Carefully, he set himself inside the spring, and pushed the contraption backwards until it was all he could do to keep the spring from... well... springing. As Alucard quickly sped by, Django let go, wanting the spring to shoot him forward in an attempt to tackle the speeding vampire. The spring, however, had different ideas. It simply just shot off, wrapping around Django and leaving him caught inside the coil. The boy sat there annoyed, thinking what to do next.
---
Now on another forested path, Django sported a new gray cowboy hat as he set up a sign saying "Road Closed".
"Ahoowhoocachoo! This here will get that Alucard boy. When he stops to read the sign, I blow the land mine here, and no more Alucard boy!" As Django hid in the bushes once again, a loud roar could be heard down the road. Speeding forward was a hearse, sporting a number 01 on its doors, and a Confederate flag on its roof.
As Alucard came to the road sign, he simply spat, stating, "Bah! If I don't hurry to the mall, I'll be late for my manicure!"
Django watched as the car did not slow down, but instead, sped up. What was going on? Panicked, Django decided to blow the mine as soon as Alucard passed over. However, he did it a little too early this time, and instead of blowing the vampire to pieces, is simply launched the vehicle into the air. As Django bit down on his new cap, a spirited "YEEEEEHHHHHHHAAAAAAWWWWW!" could be heard from Alucard. Django threw his hat to the ground and started jumping on it in frustration.
---
Django had finally given up. He tracked Alucard down to his destination and found him hitting on some girl in front of a Hot Topic.
"You know, I'm really a vampire," Alucard spouted. The girl, dressed entirely in merchandise from said store, yelled at him, calling him a "poser goth" or some similar crap and left. Django tapped Alucard's shoulder, getting his attention.
"What is it, boy?"
Django lowered his head. "I guess you where right. I give up. You're just too good for me."
Alucard looked at the child. "See, I told you. A mere child like yourself could never be able to--"
Alucard was cut off as Django pulled out the Gun De Sol, firing again. Upon impact of the solar bullets, Alucard burst into a fine mist and faded away.
Django stood there for a second, stunned, then jumped and celebrated his victory. He finally got his prey. "Like there was ever any doubt," he confidently said to himself.
As Django left the building, the mist swept in under a nearby restroom door. The door opened, revealing Alucard. "Heh. Pitiful boy. I guess I'll let him believe what he wants for now," the darkling said to himself as he exited, toilet paper dragging behind on his foot.
---
"...and THAT, is how I single-handedly beat the vampire menace known as Alucard!" Django said proudly, finishing up his version of the story. Luigi just stared at the boy, mouth open, before sighing and turning to leave.
"Hey, what's wrong? You don't believe me!" Django asked.
Luigi patted the boy on the head as he left, replying "Sure-a kid. Sure." Django huffed as Luigi left him in the alley, continuing on his way to his room.
Eventually, the plumber finally managed to find his way back to the place he was staying. Unfortunately, the elevator was out, so Luigi had to trudge up several flights of stairs to get to his quarters. As he came across the 7th floor, Luigi stopped to catch his breath, when he heard a loud roar coming from the top of the building. He followed the sound, looked out the window, and was astonished at what he saw next.
There was a hearse, complete with a number 01 and Confederate flag painted on. It flew off the hotel and landed on the roof below. During this whole stunt its driver was giving an enthusiastic "YEEEEEEEEHHHHHHAAAAAWWWWWWW!"
Luigi just stared, even as the vehicle left his sight. Wondering what to think.
'It's-a late,' he thought to himself. 'It's-a too late. I must-a be so tired, I'm-a seeing things.' And with that, he continued to his room.
"Hey-a little brother!" Mario called out, as he saw his sibling coming back. It turned at the two had adjoining rooms. "Where-a you been?"
"Ummmm..no-a where, Mario. No-a where."
"No-a where?" Mario scratched his head. "But then how-a were you-a gone so-"
Mario said no more as Luigi slammed the door behind him and plopped his head down on his bed. His brother would yell at him for that one in the morning, but Luigi cared very little at that moment. Some things were better left unsaid. And with that, the plumber drifted off into a deep sleep. One which, thankfully, wasn't plagued by any ghosts, vampires, or cartoon characters. Just the way Luigi liked it.
