JK Rowling OWNZ, yadda yadda Yoda, blah blah blah, anything you recognize from other stories doesn't belong to me.
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Harry Potter walked the lonely road, the only road that he had ever known, and since the lazy author doesn't know where it goes, it's only Harry Potter and he walks alone.
Meanwhile, twenty-six and a half miles away…
"Lucius, we failed in recruiting the Malfoy boy," said Lord Voldemort as he stroked his evil kitty.
"Yes, my lord, I am aware," said Lucius Malfoy, who, as punishment, was cleaning out the toilets.
"So, what should we do to recruit the Malfoy boy?" asked Lord Voldemort.
Lucius Malfoy set down his plunger and stroked his chin thoughtfully. Then his eyes snapped open and he looked at Voldemort. Voldemort looked back at Lucius, who was looking at him. The two of them were looking at each other. It was then that Lucius realized he was in love with Lord Voldemort, but that is another story entirely.
"Lucius, I think I know what to do," said Lord Voldemort. Lucius smirked.
"L-" he began, but was cut off by two creatures flying through the door.
"L-Lord Volde-m-mort," panted the puffin, "We have discovered the whereabouts of th-the l-lazy author."
"Yes, my lord, and we have realized that if we harness the author's power, we can control the entire story," said the evil cupcake.
Voldemort grinned and leaned back, drumming his fingers together.
"Excellent…"
"I was going to say we get Lassie to do it," muttered Lucius Malfoy.
"I've got it!" said the puffin, and the other three villains, and Voldemort's cat, leaned in to hear what was going on.
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The lazy author was having a staring contest with the annoying reader. Then the annoying reader blinked.
"Aw, damnit," said the annoying reader, and disappeared.
"Now, let's get back to this diary, shall we?" asked Aragorn.
"Yes, read you must, for discover great secret you shall," said Yoda.
But just then, Snape burst into the room and dove behind the bed. He sat on the floor and rocked back and forth, holding his knees with one hand and sucking his thumb on the other.
"What's wrong?" asked Aragorn.
Snape rolled under the bed and began to sob hysterically, when Harry Potter skipped through the door, holding a large bunch of pink roses, with a hot pink arrow sticking out of his butt.
"Seviepoo, dear, I love you!" said Harry, and began to snoop around for him.
The lazy author glanced at Remus Lupin, who looked just as confused, and they looked back at Harry, who was looking in Ron's trunk.
"Did you write this?" asked Remus Lupin.
"No," replied the lazy author, and narrowed her eyes at Harry.
"Wait a second," said the annoying reader whose head appeared in the fireplace once it had gotten over the shame of losing a staring contest with the lazy author, "I thought Harry was walking the lonely road, the only road that he has ever known, and why the hell is Yoda here?"
Everyone turned to look at the lazy author, except for Snape, who was still under the bed with his eyes squeezed shut, whispering words like "it's just a nightmare" and "none of it's real" to himself.
The lazy author shrugged, and Yoda vanished.
"Yeah," said the lazy author, turning to Harry, "I thought I dumped you on that road,"
"Oh yeah, said Harry, as he set down his flowers, "funny story, really…
FLASHBACK
Harry Potter walked the lonely road, the only road that he had ever known, and since the lazy author doesn't know where it goes, it's only Harry Potter and he walks alone.
You would think Ron would have been with him, but for the purposes of the story, let us pretend that he was blown up in a tragic box factory accident.
Harry Potter looked ahead, but all he could see was the road stretching on and on into darkness, since the lazy author didn't know where the road went.
But then, something came out of the sky and cried, "Let there be light!" Then, there was still just the road, but you could see it better.
Harry Potter looked wildly around for the magical purple typewriter, but it was nowhere.
"Lazy author?" he called.
"The lazy author's time is ending," said the voice who had turned on the light bulb, "I am to be your new supreme ruler. And I command, an army of cupids!"
Harry Potter ducked behind a giant Chinese take-out box that had been following him. The army of cupids flew past him, and he got out from behind the box.
"What happened to the lazy author?" asked Harry.
"The lazy author is still where she was before, having a staring contest with the annoying reader. But that doesn't matter. What matters is that now, I have become just as powerful, and with the help of my army of cupids and my loyal interns," the voice gestured to Voldemort, Lucius Malfoy, the puffin, and the evil cupcake, "I shall rule the entirety of the Universe!"
"Okay…" said Harry, but unfortunately, the army of cupids heard him, and one fired a hot pink arrow straight into his butt. Written in clear letters were two words, "Severus Snape."
END FLASHBACK
"So this mysterious voice is trying to usurp me…" said the lazy author. Snape reached out and pulled the hot pink arrow out of Harry's butt. The bunch of pink flowers disappeared, and Harry fell out of love with Snape.
"So, what do we do?" asked Remus Lupin.
"You know what's scary? I don't know," said the lazy author, and sat down to think.
-Jeopardy Theme Song Plays-
"Well, I think the first thing we need to do is figure out who this mysterious voice is," said Snape, who hated the lazy author dearly, but at least she didn't make Harry Potter fall in love with him.
"Oh, that won't be a problem," said the voice. The lazy author's brow furrowed. Where had she heard that voice before? Suddenly it clicked, and she wheeled around and glared furiously at the voice.
"Yes, I am the voice, and I have come for revenge!" cried Lassie.
"Hold on, hold on," said the reader, "why is Lassie the voice? This story makes no sense!"
"Duh!" said Voldemort, Lucius Malfoy, the puffin, the evil cupcake, the lazy author, Harry Potter, Remus Lupin, Severus Snape, Aragorn, and Yoda.
The annoying reader glared at Yoda, who suddenly remembered that supposed to be in the story, he wasn't.
"So," said Lassie, "relinquish your power."
"No," said the lazy author.
"GIMME THE TYPEWRITER!"
"MAKE ME!"
"HOW?"
"I DON'T KNOW!"
"EXPELLIARMUS!"
"AVADA KEDAVRA!"
"You don't have wands," said Snape.
"Oh yeah," said the lazy author and Lassie, and went back to glaring at each other. Suddenly, the lazy author had an idea.
Lassie died.
She smirked and looked back up, but Lassie was still there!
"It's not going to be that easy to get rid of me. Did you really think I'd disappear just because you typed it?" sneered Lassie.
"Um, yeah?" replied the lazy author.
"Makes sense," said Lassie, "but no, because I have
-drumroll-
A Magical Yellow Pencil!"
"Oh yeah? Well I've got a Magical White-Out Mouse!" said the lazy author, and stuck out her tongue.
"And I've got a MagicRub!"
"Touché…"
"This means war!" said the puffin.
"So it does," said Aragorn, as he glared at Lassie.
"I call the Malfoy boy!" said Voldemort.
"I call Ginny!" said Remus Lupin.
Draco and Ginny appeared, each incredibly confused as to how they got there in the first place.
"WTF?" they chorused.
"We're leaving," said Lassie, and he, Lucius Malfoy, Draco Malfoy, Voldemort, the puffin, and the evil cupcake disappeared.
"Fine," said the lazy author, and she, Remus Lupin, Aragorn, Ginny Weasley, Harry Potter, and Severus Snape had a slumber party.
To be continued…
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All the chapters turn out too short. (
Reviews from Hog Warses 1 & 2:
claudiastar- You receive the most reviews award. Yay! I'll put in more musical numbers when they fit, glad you like them!
MuggleBuddy- I think I'll put in a sea monkey with rabies. Thanks for the review!
shut-up-voices-in-my-head- I love the floating bean bag chair! They'll get one at Ikea later in the story. The Harry/Snape/Ron thing was really confusing, but I kept the general idea thing in this story. Thanks for reviewing!
