Notes: This may or may not be the last chapter of Lost without You. I haven't quite decided what I want to do with the story. If this is the last chapter, then farewell, and thank you all for all your support and kindness with reviews. Also, expect an Epilogue.
I am sorry that it is so short, I did it in about three hours, but I think it does a good job of rounding the plot out. Thank you all for everything.
Disclaimer: I do not own Lizzie McGuire
Despite my hopes that time would stop, Christmas vacation slowly closed and, once again, I found myself waking up to my alarm clock and donning some of the flashy clothing I had received as presents.
I had spent the two weeks in solitude, watching the tapes that Gordo had kept in his box and lying in my room, cleaning out my closet and kicking Matt out of my diary. It never ceased to amaze me how, at fourteen, he still acted the way he did at eleven. Days passed, Howard and Roberta left for Florida, and my mother agreed to let me stop going to therapy after I convinced her that she was wasting her money. Eric did not call, and I felt oddly depressed about it. Had he abandoned me? It wasn't like I liked him or anything, but it was nice to know that someone was looking out for me.
The front of the school was deserted as my mother's car pulled into the driveway early on Monday morning. Oddly enough, I enjoyed the quiet peace of the campus before the busses pulled up, before the bustling crowds of students clustered by the bike racks and the front of the school. From the car seat I could see a freshman girl nervously chaining her bike in one of the slots, her plain brown braids blowing in the wind, and the chubby red headed Veruca, someone I had hardly spoken to since eighth grade.
"Lizzie?" my mother asked hesitantly as I placed my hand on the door handle. "Are you okay? We haven't talked, and I mean really talked in so long, I just wanted to make sure you're doing better."
I felt a sudden pang of guilt and I tugged nervously on the sleeve on my pink and purple shirt. Guilt had never been something I was good at dealing with, I always gave in when guilt reared its ugly head. For the first time in a long time, I pulled myself out of Lizzie's-Grieving-Land and smiled at my mom. "Yeah." I said, pulling my scarf more tightly around my neck, "I am."
And I got out of the car and watched the Suburban drive away, the quiet of the grounds surrounding me. For the first time, I longed for company, someone to talk to, and it hit me that I was truly friendless. Kate had tried to comfort me and apart from that walk in September, I had pushed her away. Eric had tried to be my friend, to kiss me, to put fill the hole that he sensed had been gaping inside of me. And Miranda…it made me want to throw up when I thought of Miranda. I had called, once, during Christmas break, and what did her mother tell me? Miranda's in rehab. She did some bad drugs, and some freak raped her, and now she's in rehab. And all the time she was hurting I was too wrapped up in missing someone who wasn't here to pay attention to the girl who stood by me, even when Bitchy Lizzie reared her not-so-pretty head, even when I said cruel things to her. I was too caught up in LizzieLand to notice that she was hurting too.
A sudden noise from behind me caught my attention, and I twirled around, my hair sticking to my expensive lip gloss.
"Um, hey Lizzie." Said Eric Parker awkwardly, his gloved hands stuck deep in the pockets of a faded grey coat.
"Hey." I said faintly, my stomach rising into my throat. Oddly enough, there was no guilt in my heart, no worry that Gordo was somehow watching me, angry for not loving him anymore.
"Nice, um, day." He said, a little too loudly, a cold wind tousling his dark hair.
I glanced up at the grey sky, threatening depressing rain, and raised my eyebrows slightly, causing a faint flush to rise to Eric's face.
"Right." He said jovially, sending a smile that flashed his dimples charmingly. "That was dumb. Lizzie, do you want to go for a walk?"
I smiled, a rush of joy coursing through me, and nodded happily. Linking me arm with his, we shed our book bags and walked off towards the football field, the grass grey and cold under our feet. We walked in silence for a few minutes, shivering every so often as winter air blasting our faces.
As we climbed up the bleachers and sat, our bodies close, watching the first few cars pull into the parking lot, I asked him how his vacation went. My voice was nervous, my hands sweating inside their thick pink gloves.
"It was okay." He said with a shrug. "I got a new PlayStation, and my sister got a new boyfriend. Nothing much. How about you?"
I shrugged. So much had happened over break, I scarcely new where to start. "My friend Miranda got sent to rehab." I said quietly, staring past the stadium at the sky.
"I'm sorry." He said gently, placing his hand on my sleeve. I took his hand in mine, admiring the way my small hand looked in his strong one. "I didn't know her, but I'm sorry."
I shrugged, "I didn't call her at all, her mom told me. Miranda did…she did some bad drugs, and they nearly killed her. Some guy raped her too. But it's all okay. I mostly just hung out."
"Lizzie." He said hesitantly, his fingers tightening over mine. "Do you ever…I mean, do you still love him?"
I could guess what Eric meant by 'him'.
"I'll always love him." I said softly, a lump forming in my throat. Some of the light faded from Eric's eyes, and I turned his face towards mine, a tear falling down my cheek.
"But it's not like that anymore. I used to feel so guilty, and now I just know that…wherever he is…he still…" I took a deep, shuddering breath, tears flowing freely down my face. "He still loves me." And that's when I realized that, however lost I'd been without him, in him I was found. And I'd met someone who loved me, and that's what Gordo would have wanted.
He would have wanted me to be happy, even if it meant I couldn't be with him.
In one moment, I recalled ninth grade, that faltering first year after the kiss. I avoided Gordo for ages, trying to make up my scattered mind about what I wanted. He cornered me in the library, and told me quite frankly what he felt for me. He told me that, even if I didn't like him like that, he would be happy for me, even if I couldn't be more than a friend to him.
And Eric, who I had led on so cruelly, was taking me in his arms and my head was resting against his chest, and I could hear his heart beating slowly against my head.
I looked up, the last of my tears drying against my face, bitter cold in the January air. Eric leaned down, and our lips brushed, lightly at first and then with more courage. I could hear the faint chattering of students as they alighted from their various buses and the faint pattering of rain as it fell gently on our upturned faces. We broke apart, and I blushed furiously, biting my lower lip. Kissing had never been something I did with ease, especially where people could see us.
"The bell's going to ring." Eric said softly, his hand stroking my cheek. I lay my head on his shoulder, shivering as icy water droplets landed on my face.
"I suppose we should go in?" I asked quietly, swallowing hard. Was I really ready to face the world as this new, changed, strong Lizzie McGuire? Not the ditzy, clumsy girl I had been up to this moment. The girl who had been to hell and back, the girl who's soul mate had died, the girl who had found love again.
The rain had stopped, a faint rainbow painted the dark grey sky. I smiled, hoping that it was somehow a sign that everything would be alright after all.
"Let's go." I said gently, extending my hand to him. Eric took it and we walked slowly down the bleachers, towards the throng of high schoolers in front of the school.
I felt changed, somehow I was shedding my chrysalis and stretching new wings. A metamorphosis had taken place, I was something new, and Eric had my hand in his.
I knew that everything would be okay.
As we appeared in front of the school, our fingers interlaced, a sudden hush fell over the crowd. And then Kate, from somewhere in the group yelled "It's about time Lizzie McGuire!" and everyone laughed and clapped.
Eric's lips found mine, I shed my cocoon and finally finally flew.
