Chapter 4

Home For The Holidays

"Hermione, I've been meaning to talk to you for awhile now. I…" I sigh, trying to collect my thoughts. "I mean… we've been friend for a long time and I was just wondering if maybe… if you could ever consider being with someone like me. Of course if you don't feel the same way I completely understand!" I stare at the bumbling red headed idiot in the mirror and sigh again. Of course she doesn't feel the same. What could I ever offer her. She so smart and beautiful… and I'm… well… I'm just Ron. I've never been able to stand out. Of course being best friends with the "boy wonder" Harry Potter doesn't help my self esteem at all. I'm always in the shadows. And when I finally do work up the nerve to talk to her I mess it up. Always blurting out some lame excuse or another… "can I borrow your transfiguration book?" or "got todays potions notes?" I smack myself in the head. Get a grip Ron, she's just a girl. You talk to lots of girls. Yeah but not like her… I take a deep breath. You can never win an argument against yourself. No matter what, you always lose.

I look out the dorm window, there are soft white flakes starting to fall. I better get it together quick. It's already been planned that Hermione is spending Christmas at The Burrow. Harry was invited along but a round of detentions with Snape is preventing him from leaving Hogwarts during the holiday. It'll just be me and Hermione… And, well, the rest of my rather large family. I reach up and ruffle my already unruly hair, flopping back onto my bed in exasperation. It would be so much easier if this would just all figure itself out. Fat chance of that happening. Time was running out. Atleast Ginny had hinted that Hermiones affections may be turning towards another student. I don't know if I could bear to see her with someone else. For the thousandth time I picture who it might be… Seamus? No… she could never go for a guy who's eyebrows never completely grew back… Dean? I think she'd rather be with someone quieter. It couldn't be Neville! Oh god… what if… no! It couldn't be… What if she's fallen for Fred or George! That would be awful! I'd never live it down. I'd have to commit to a life of celibacy if that ever happened. I strech out across my bed, placing my arms behind my head and staring at the ceiling dreamily. Yawning sleepily, I close my eyes and let dreamland sweep over me.

Packing for The Burrow, doesn't take long, but I've left it to the last minute. A few quick spells and my trunk is filled with neatly folded clothes. I carry it down to the main hall and say my goodbyes quickly. Hugging Harry tightly and wishing him good luck for his upcoming detentions with Snape. His face looks grim at the mentioning.

"Hermione!" Ginny calls from the entrance, waving for me to hurry up. Ron is standing by her side, looking solemn. I sigh. I'm not looking forward to the trip home. Especially if Ginny, Ron and I are all sharing a compartment. As I head out across the grounds trailing behind Ron and Ginny I stop to admire the way the snow has fallen so beautifully across Hogwarts. Thwack! A snowball hits me squarely in the back of the head. As I turn to confront the perpetraitor Goyle side-checks me into a snowbank as he runs past, laughing loudly. He's soon followed by Crabbe, his arms full of freshly made snowballs. They wave at me and continue down the hill as Im left to pick myself up. As I'm gathering up my things I look up to see Draco walking in the same direction as Crabbe and Goyle. His eyes are glazed and he has a sort of sickly palor about him. He doesn't even notice me kneeling in the snow as he slinks past in a daze. Our most recent encounter flashes through my head and I don't know whether to be glad or insulted that he doesn't offer to help me pick up his things. I plan to make some kind of remark about keeping his cronies on a leash but I decide against it. That look… it's just not Draco. Where's his proud strut and high head? I finishing picking up my things and hurry to catch up to Ron and Ginny. On the way down I wonder what it is that could have affected Draco like that. It's true he hasn't always been kind to me but to see someone like that… See them being eaten up inside. It hurts to watch, even when that person is Draco. I just wish I could help.

Two days before Christmas. I'll be leaving for home today. The thought of seeing my father is like a cold stone in the pit of my stomach. All the fantasies that have been plaguing my dreams now plague me openly while awake too. What if he sees? What if those cold eyes reach deep within my soul and tear out all my impure thoughts? He'll know and then… I shut my eyes tight. Oh god. I don't know what he'll do. And what about my mother? She'll be so ashamed. She won't even try to stop him this time. 'A mudblood' they'll say…. 'And you, our only son? How could you do this to us?' I pack my things slowly. A million awful scenarios playing out in my head. Faces pass in a blur and I'm vaguely aware of Crabbe and Goyle running past me. The day goes by in a haze and then I'm on the train. Eventually even they leave my side, muttering their goodbyes. I barely acknowledge them and continue to stare out the window. The scenary passes in flashes of white and brown and then… suddenly there's a refection in the window. A girl… medium height, thin but not skinny… thick wavy hair… I turn quickly, expecting her not to be there. She's there. Standing in the doorway of the train. She's wearing a loose red sweater that hangs off one shoulder and tight dark jeans. Hermione. I've never wanted anyone more.

"Can I come in…?" She asks timidly. I cringe to myself, she's probably thinking of how I treated her last time we saw each other. I shrug and look back out the window, she takes that for a yes and sits down beside me. "Are…" She starts slowly then bites her lip, afraid to ask. "Are you ok?" Her eyes look up at me with concern, I watch her reflection for some sign of insincerity. There is none.

"You wouldn't understand…" I let a fraction of sadness slip into my voice and quickly clear my throat and sit up straight. "What do you care? It's not like you have a reason to." It's her turn to cringe at the harsh tone of my words. "I'm sorry… I didn't mean to…" I try to apologize quickly and sigh. "I've just got a lot on my mind right now." She scans my face to see if I'm going to say anything more, then simply nods quietly. We sit in silence for awhile with only the steady sound of the train moving, between us. Then just as suddenly as she appeared she reaches over and takes my hand. She's looking at the floor and I can't stop myself… I slide my hand along the side of her face and lean in closer. Her eyes close slowly as our lips brush gentley. I kiss her softly, breathing her in. She smells like peaches and vanilla. The kiss is warm with no expectations… no hidden agenda. Kissing her is amazing.

"Hermione…" I whisper softly.

A loud bang from the hallway snaps us back to reality. Neville has just fallen over someones suitcase and is sprawled across the compartment entrance. He doesn't seem to have noticed us yet. I get up quickly and make sure to step on him as I leave the compartment and a confused Hermione behind. I barely register the rigid face of Pansy Parkinson as I storm off.