This is something GuardianSaiyan wrote in a story I was writing with my tomodachi, Kouga. I am posting this 1) because it's funny, and 2) I continued it, so it is like we wrote it together.
So no biting the ninja. Undastand?
Disclaimer: I don't own Final Fantasy in any way, shape, or form. The only games I played were stolen from friends; that also includes the game system I played them on. (sob) I don't have any cool video game thingy...!
Narration: Meanwhile, Auron makes his way to the back of the boat and opens a trapdoor. Inside the secret compartment of the boat, a bunch of men sit in a circle.
Seifer: Welcome, Auron.
Auron: How did you get here? I thought you were in Zanerkand.
Seifer: I told that fool Seymour that I had to go to the bathroom.
Black Mage: Around I use my evil power of Chaos to bring him here.
(Everyone laughs evilly except Auron because he's not evil, so he just laughs)
Auron: (sitting down at a round table) Shadow, Garland, Sephiroth, it's also good to see you could make it. (Then to everyone) Welcome everybody, to the 11th annual evil-cool guy D&D game!
Garland: I brought cookies!
(Shadow emerges every necessary item from the shadows of his shadowy ninja clothing)
Sephiroth: So, Auron. How's your quest to kill Seymour going? (Auron pours saké and passes it out)
Auron: Alright, I guess, though I'm teamed up with idiots who don't get the job done.
Seifer: Well can you people hurry up? If you don't come soon enough, I'm going to kill Seymour myself! I mean, he's soooo FUGLY! I mean, jeez! A piece of shit looks better than his face!
Garland: Yeah. I'd much rather kiss poop than that thing.
(Silence; BM runs away)
Auron: Alright... does everyone have their character sheets?
Seifer: Yup! I'm the half-elf warlock named D'artanian!
Shadow: I'm the halfling thief named Ganidrof!
Sephiroth: I'm the half-orc, Gnar!
Garland: And I'm the lovely human bard named Nee the Enchantress
Auron: Isn't your character a male?
Garland: Yeah. Sooo?
(more silence)
Auron: Since we left off, you three were in the domain of the evil vampire, Gustav.
Garland: Is he cute!
Auron: Umm... sure. In a vampiric type of way... and D'artanian, you're at the pub.
Seifer: I attack with hadoken!
Auron: At the vampire?
Seifer: Yeah
Auron: But you're at THE PUB!
Seifer: Then I get drunk.
Auron: Okay.
Shadow: Okay. I use my magical throwing knives of doom plus-3.
Auron: At what, exactly?
Shadow: At the vampire, of course!
Seifer: Am I drunk yet?
Auron: I said you're in the lair of Gustav. It's nighttime; he's not there.
Garland: Then I steal all of his underwear!
(more silence)
Seifer: Am I drunk NOW?
Auron: (rolls some dice) Yes.
Garland: I'm going to use Song of Movement to redecorate his lair.
Auron: You've already used that once today.
Seifer: Are there any girls there?
Garland: Nu-uh! I didn't!
Auron: (sighs) Yes, you did. You redecorated the princess' room, remember?
Garland: Oh, yeah. I made that place look real good, didn't I?
Seifer: Are there any girls at the pub? Cuz if there's girls there, I wanna DO them!
Auron: Shut the hell up, idiot.
Seifer: D'artanian! Not "idiot"!
Auron: (rolls his eyes and sighs heavily)
Shadow: Is there anything there to steal?
Auron: ...he's a vampire.
Shadow: So? He could have valuable things!
Auron: (shrugs and rolls some dice again) No. There's nothing.
Shadow: You sure?
Auron: Pretty sure.
Shadow: ...damn.
Garland: Where am I now?
Auron: Still in the lair.
Garland: Do I have all his underwear yet?
Auron: (stares blankly at Garland, his eyesbrows raised) ...
Shadow: If anyone is going to steal his underwear, it's gonna be me! I'm the theif, remember?
Garland: My underwear!
Shadow: Give me them!
Garland: Never!
(both fall to the ground, rolling around and fighting over invisible underpants)
Auron: STOP! The vampire has no underwear, alright? Nothing to steal! No underwear!
Garland: (sulks)
Shadow: (grumbles)
Seifer: ...am I doing anyone yet?
Auron: (annoyed) The bar stool.
Seifer: ... (trying to decide if he is okay with that)
Sephiroth: Can I steal the ring from Frodo Baggins and give it back to my master, Sauron?
Auron: (throws a die at him) This is D&D, not Lord of the Rings! (growls; realizes something and sits erect immediately) Crap, Seifer!
Seifer: D'artanian! Stay in-character, DM!
Auron: No! Seifer! Seymour knows you're not in the bathroom; you forgot to lock the door!
(all disperse)
Owari!
You like? Anyone? (turns to face a cricket-chirruping missing audience) Heh-heh. I found this a little while ago and I thought twas hilarious. Please dun kill me...! R&R!
