The Pains from the Depth of Your Heart

By, The Angels of Death

Summary: AU. Kinomoto Sakura, Matsura Yukino: New students of Seijou High; Grade 11. Test subjects to Project 753159. Current status: Healthy, with slight amnesia. What would happen if Li Syaoran stumbled across this information?

Pairings: S+S

This story is dedicated to…Shauna Beattie, for accomplishing staying alive for 16 years without breaking down. Second, to Haide Namatsaru, who I am including into this chapter. Third, to Rebecca Delfin because…she at least tells me how it is in my stories. And lastly, to IsisoftheUnderground because she told me I had spelling errors. Not a lot of people tell me kindly about my errors. So…yes. Sad to say, but this chapter is going to include my past in it. If no one is interested, I say, you should close this window now, no?

Chapter 3: Enemy Appearance and Reminisce


It was after school of their first day. Yukino was very mad. Sakura was very…I-laugh-in-your-face. They trailed after Tomoyo, who was then picked up by her bodyguards.

"Did you make friends with her?"

"…Yes and no."

"……?"

"……She wants me to model for her clothes. Course, I agreed. Maybe I can become better friends with her, this way?"

"…Sure."

Suddenly, Yukino flinched. Sakura stopped and stared at her.

"Yukino?"

"…I feel something is out of place. Sakura…follow Tomoyo's house, will you?"

"Okay. Call me if something is wrong."

Yukino nodded and disappeared in the trees as Sakura ran after the black car that Tomoyo sat in. Yukino sat in the very top in the trees and looked around. Then she spotted someone. Someone…wearing Seijou High uniforms and binoculars? Yes, someone across the street from her tree was standing at the very top of the leaves and watching Tomoyo's car drive past. The man didn't go after her. Simply watch her drive past before flinging a dagger at Yukino's direction.

Yukino tilted her head to the left and caught the dagger with a gloved hand. The man turned around and stared at Yukino as she stared back.

"You're that new girl."

"So kind of you to remember, Syaoran Li."

"What to do, now? Are you going to kill me?"

Secretly, Yukino stuck on a sticker the size of a fleck onto the dagger before she threw it back at Syaoran. He caught it, glaring at her. She smiled back and jumped to the road, walking back to headquarters, knowing fully well that Syaoran was going to follow her. Yukino walked slowly and Syaoran walked even slower. Yukino dug into her backpack and drew out a small smoke bomb that would last only a few seconds. So she tossed it behind her and sped away.

Syaoran hadn't expected it and was caught in the smoke before he ran through and saw that Yukino disappeared. He cursed and ran back to HIS headquarters.


"Sakura."

"Yukino! What is up, chick?"

"…Return to Headquarters."

"Okay! Want a snack?"

"…Sure."

Yukino made her way to the 74th floor, and went to her room, tossing her bag on her bed before walking back out. Sakura was beaming up at her and before her were two plates of…food! Yukino ate it all and suddenly became…un-Yukino like.

"Ooooh, Sakura! Let's go bungee jump! Like…"

She thought for awhile.

"LET'S BUNGEE JUMP OFF THIS BUILDING! Yeah, if people ask, then we were…advertising our doilies. They'll buy it."

Being Sakura, she nodded excitedly.

"Yeah let's go! Wheeee!"

Sakura bounced out to the stairs leading to the roof and waited excitedly for Yukino to come. Yukino skipped out holding some bungee cords and they both went to the roof. To be…led back down forcefully by a crew of agents.

Yes, Fujitaka knew that Yukino was going to be fed food, so he ordered a crew of his agents to lead them back into the house and lock the door.

Yukino sighed and just lay back and watched TV while sipping on some soda. One channel was cooking. Yukino strayed quickly away from that channel, to another, showing a daughter and mother being reunited. Yukino closed her eyes quickly to change into another channel. This one was music videos, so Yukino left it on for Sakura and left to go into her room and lie down.

Yukino started and finished her homework soon after and stayed far away from the computer.

So why did Yukino avoid cooking channels, reunions, and computers?

Soon after Yukino finished her homework, she lay in bed with her hands cushioning her head as she started recollecting her thoughts. (AN: Ah shit. Now you get to read my peachy little past. Wonderful, no?)


Flashbacks in Yukino's POV

So when had all this shit started happening? I thought long and hard, and I couldn't remember. Everyday, life was hell. So why not just remember the most important ones…

It all started in school. Goddamn school. It was my sanctuary. Keyword: was.

So I chatted online with my friend Rebecca happily. She was my only key to reality, sadly. Everyday after school I would go online and pray that she would come on too. Why am I that obsessed? Not really obsessed, more like, in need of someone to talk to. My mother used to just…yell. Yell and yell. Always. So I would ignore her and go on my computer and happily chat away. We would most likely talk about nonsense and ramble on about this and that, and sometimes help each other in homework. Well…not sometimes. Merely most of the times.

I had food. Food makes me hyper and crazy. So I started typing nonstop about something that was funny. Then in the next day of school, I brought it up. It was one of my first mistakes. I never spoke to my group of friends. I just listened and laughed when something funny happened. But when I brought it up, I regret every moment. I can't tell a story if my life depended on it. And yet, I did. And everyone was silent except for Rebecca. She was laughing, so I was happy. But I thought over it and remembered that everyone else remained silent. So I looked away and someone else started up a conversation topic, which I strayed far away from.

A few weeks after, we started to just…pick places to stand, and stand in a circle, talking. I wasn't included in the circle. If I were in it, then somehow, someway, I would be knocked out accidentally by someone, and just stand there as I watched my friends laugh about jokes. A piece of my heart broke. So, I walked away from them and headed to class early, to visit my teacher. Then that became my new routine. Go to school. Avoid my friends. Stay in the room for the rest of the morning. One of my good friends, Haide, came up to me.

"Where were you, this morning? I was looking all over for you."

I didn't answer, and got out all of my supplies needed for today's lesson. I saw how worried Haide looked, so I sighed and started to be in the group again. Another mistake. I was included, that I was happy about, but then…I was being ignored. It started out with minor things, but then it got more and more mean and cruel.

One of my other…friends: Guillermina. We all called her Guille for short. She was a good friend. Fun to talk to, and nice to everyone. But then…

Guille brought one of those novelty bouncy balls that they sell in those machines for a quarter. Everyone then started getting into them all over the school, bringing more and playing with them.

Guille bounced her little green "bouncy ball" happily. Everyone in the group watched her. Then Guille let Rebecca bounce it for awhile, before taking it away and not letting anyone else use it but her and Katie, another one of my friends. So we all waited until Katie went into school, which was always near when the bell ran. Then Guille started giving privileges to people except me. Another piece of my heart broke. I merely shrugged and left the group.

And I started my routine again. And Katie came in this time. She demanded to know why I wasn't with them again.

Why should I? I was nothing. Never needed, never spoken to, so why shall I keep going when I am nothing?

I simply told Katie that I was being ignored. She would hear nothing of it, and drag me with her to the group again. And they were nice to me…again. Until…

I was being ignored once more. Only…in the worst possible scenario.

As I walked with Katie to the group, Guille happily waved at us…or shall I say her?

"Hi, Katie!"

She waved to Katie happily, and looked at me for a moment before starting up another conversation. Another piece of my heart broke. I walked over to Haide and we spoke about everything and nothing and afterwards, we went to class. Then it kept being like that for 2 weeks. I would always walk to the group and be ignored in greetings while the other was happily welcomed. So I stood by and watched what they did.

It was panorama picture day. All 8th graders were to report to the field area and wait around until the crew was ready to take pictures. Guille asked my favorite teacher, Ms. Scura, if we could go with other people for awhile.

I was speaking with Ms. Scura when Guille walked up and asked:

"Ms. Scura, can I go with Haide, Marco, and Becca?"

"Sure."

"And Katie?"

"Yes."

"And Yami and Renee and Janine?"

"Yup."

Guille walked off cheerfully. I looked away as tears clouded my vision. I never let them run down my cheeks. Never. If anyone even asked, I could say I never got sleep. And even that was true. So I watched Guille go with the group and another piece of my heart broke. I said goodbye to Ms. Scura and left.

So then I left the group once more. No matter what, I was not going to go back. And I knew. I knew that I was never their friend. No one was my friend. I had no friend…Everyone always talked to me when they needed help with homework. That was what I am to people. Someone to speak to for aid in school. And…I helped them.

Then Rebecca, my only link to reality from home…stopped talking to me. She ignored me. With her, was the rest of the group. I was…invisible once more. And another piece of my heart broke. Throughout what happened, she had been there to talk to me about other stuff and it made me feel happier and more cheerful. But then…she stopped talking to me. And I realized that she might have also been my friend for so long because of schoolwork. Was that all I was to people? Some nerd that was easy to fool around with?

So Rebecca stopped speaking to me, and I stopped speaking to everyone altogether. Not one minute would pass before someone needed help in something. This was when I only spoke. As I was meant to. Then I had to talk to her again. She had been borrowing some books for our language arts class, and I had to talk to her again, to see if she was nearly done.

And this is what happened, on online chat.

"Hi…"

"Hi."

"Do you still have my book?"

"Yes."

"Oh…May I have it back soon?"

"Okay."

And that was it. Later on, we had a talk, and I soon discovered that she was not my friend because I was nice. She had heard from the people I spoke to that I was her friend out of pity. When really I had told those people that I though she was my friend because I was nice. It was all mixed up and we agreed to become friends again. Only…online friends. She said it was how we really connected. I agreed, and another piece of my heart broke. So that was all at school. At home…

"KEEP YOUR HANDS ON THE TABLE!"

I winced and put my hand that was resting on my lap, onto the table as I ate. My mom glared at me as she continued cooking all the while muttering insults loudly about me. Another piece of my heart broke.

My parents were proud of me, but my mother wasn't proud enough. I wasn't a proper lady. Currently, I was eating soup with two of my four brothers and my dad as my mom continued to cook .My mom yelled at me some more and said:

"You're not a proper lady! If you don't become one soon, I might have to get you an arranged marriage!"

Arranged marriage. No one does that shit anymore, and she wants to get me an arranged marriage. I had enough. I stopped eating and left the dinner table and walked to my room, as my mother cursed me again. My mother…hated me. After awhile…I stopped eating properly.

Everyday, I would just…not eat until dinner, where I sat alone in my room and ate quietly. My stomach always growled in protest, but then…I was never hungry. My mother made me eat something, shoving it at me and ordering me to eat it as she continued making more food. I simply stared at it for an hour before I threw it away in the trash can behind her back. No…I was not bulimic…or anorexic…but…I simply had no appetite.

Mom always yelled at me for using the computer for so much, when in reality, I used it to read. She cursed me and at one point, she threatened to kill me. No one ever spoke about that moment, but it still goes on in my mind. And so I lay in bed and stared at the ceiling, not falling asleep at all. Some people might think I suffer from insomnia. Maybe I do…

But every night or every day of every week for one year, I recollect my memories of all that had happened, and I cry silently to sleep. First one tear escaped and trailed down my cheek. Then another. And another. Until I was silently crying and cursing myself for all of this.

I was simply…nothing. And I wanted to die. Someone have pity on me and just shoot me…I have no desire to commit suicide…but if this goes on any longer I won't have the hesitation to kill myself.

End Flashbacks


And suddenly it happened once more. Tears sprung out from Yukino's eyes as she cried silently to sleep.

Dying…all she wanted to do was die. All she could do was…

To reminisce.

TBC…


Yes, that is my fucking ugly past. If you think I'm an idiot for being hurt about this, then fine. I have more stuff to worry about then your opinions…

Seriously…all of this is true. And even though I might've made my friends look bad in these Flashbacks…I'll just take it back. They all are good people…it's just the shit that happened that made them look bad.

Review and do whatever you feel like…

-The Angels of Death