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Forever Ago Part III
He barely noticed the stares of the men at the end of the bar. They had seen men bigger than him fall flat on the floor after only half of what he'd drunk. The man in black didn't seem phased by it, though. He simply drained his glass and motioned for more.
This, he was convinced, was hell. The air stank, the sound system grated on his nerves, and he was surrounded by faces that he was quite certain belonged to neandrathals. But none of that even scratched the surface of what really made it hell. Remus wasn't here. If Remus was alive, he would never have even thought about coming to such a depressing dive. He hated Remus for dying after he'd made such a valiant effort at opening Snape's heart.
For twenty years—twenty fucking years, Remus had been there in his life in one capacity or another. It wasn't right that he should be gone. Not now. One more shot swallowed, and another moment passed still sober enough to think. He'd been here before, more often than he would admit to that annoying Gryffindor if she asked, but he'd never managed to get to the oblivion he wished for, He came here in hopes that he could forget twenty years of his life and two people that he had cared about.
Lily. He wasn't sure why Remus' death had brought her back to his mind. Perhaps it was because he had been on the brink of happiness twice and twice had it ripped from him. Remus had been the deepest, but Lily was the first. In fact, she was the one who had brought Remus into his life in earnest.
She had been his secret sin against his dark brethren. So beautiful, so pure of heart, but to believe what Voldemort taught would mean possibly killing her. That was what brought him to the light side. He had risked the wrath of the dark lord himself for her. It was his seventh year, when he finally confessed his love for her. She had even given him reason to believe that she would leave the golden one, James Potter, for him, but all was for nothing when she revealed that she was pregnant. Having never touched her himself for more than a kiss, they knew who the father was. Tearfully, she said her goodbyes and went off to wed James. Harry's birth had been the very thing that crushed his heart. It had taken him years to forgive the boy for the simple act of being born. Remus had helped him with that.
Remus had been the one person who could really get him to open up, and look at things objectively. It was in Remus' nature to heal wounds, just as it was in Severus' nature to brood over them. Their first time had come about largely for that very reason. Remus had come to him after Lily's abandonment. He had managed to break free of the marauders long enough to console Severus.
Remus had found him slumped against a wall staring at the dark mark embedded in his arm. Maybe things could have been different if this had never existed, he thought wearily. So deep in his thoughts, he barely heard the door creak open, or the footfalls across the room. In fact, Lupin had been there for some time before Severus even noticed him, but that was not unusual. Given the werewolf's constant company, he was easy to forget as he was often over shadowed by the pettiness of the two dark haired men. "Severus," he called gently stirring the man from his thoughts.
"What do you want, Lupin? I'm not in the mood to entertain imbeciles today."
"I haven't come here for entertainment," he assured him.
Snape gave his signature snort of disgust. "The why did you come?"
"I came to tell you that I'm sorry. Lily told me everything, and I really do wish things could be different for you both." There was pity in those amber eyes, but there was also something else. Something that took a while for Severus to notice.
"Do you? Your mate has his beautiful bride at his side, I would think you would be rejoicing?"
"James is my friend, I make no apologies for that, but he isn't always the best man I know. Certainly not the best man for Lily. He sees her as just another shiny award that he's won. You really love her, don't you?" he asked.
"Ha, you assume that I actually know her well enough to answer that."
"You don't?"
"No, but I know I could love her and care for her. We were almost there, Lupin. Do you know what it's like to be so close to having your desire only to have it thrown in your face that you can't have it?"
"Yes, I do. I know exactly how it is to love someone you can't have."
"Who is this paragon of human virtue that has snared you, angel that you are? She must be very lovely indeed."
"Not a paragon of virtue, but someone who knows all to well the darker side of humanity. His beauty is something that not everyone sees, because the flaws in him make him so exquisite."
"And why can't you have him? Doesn't he fancy other men?"
"No, in fact he's pining away for a woman right now."
Severus' eyes turned cold. "If this is some kind of game, I'm in no mood. Whatever little farce you and your band of scoundrels have in mind, is over. Now leave."
"There is no game. I want you, but I am not about to pour myself out to you while you blather on about Lily. I have cared for you for sometime and you are as unreachable to me as Lily is to you. I know what you are feeling, Severus."
Snape shook his head and ran a hand through his black mane. "How could you know? I'm not so sure even I know what I'm feeling."
It took both men by surprise as Snape pulled the amber eyed man down and covered his mouth with a branding kiss.
"Severus, are you…what are you doing?" Remus asked shakily.
"Something we both want." With that said, Severus ran his hand up the side of Remus' thigh finding the hardness of him. He gave the man's cock a gentle caress until he heard a gutterul moan.
"Oh, God! Are you sure? I don't want to be a replacement for Lily," he cried torn between his need for pleasure, and his hunger for love.
"If I'd have wanted a replacement for Lily, I would have found someone with similar equipment," Snape growled.
"Point taken, but why? Why now?"
The look in Remus' eyes begged to be told he was loved, but Severus couldn't say it. Not yet, not after Lily. "I want you, Remus. I want to see where this goes."
There was not time to reply as clothes started to be shed, and they made an awkward dance to the bed. With one hand still clutching Remus's face, he reached down and drew their penises together. He adored the shutter of ectasy that ripped through his lover. In the moments that followed, it was impossible to tell where Severus ended and Remus began. Soon, they slept and Severus found himself waking alone in bed.
It would be thirteen years before they would make love again. All that time, Severus set out to chase Remus away. He had even brilliantly managed to get Lupin fired, but the stupid git still had found a way to make Severus love him. They both should have been smarter about it. Falling love during a war was suicide. Snape couldn't believe that he had been stupid enough to do it, but he had, and thus he sat in hell without Remus.
For a while, he had been truly happy, but now it was gone and he had only memories.
