Hold on My Heart

Draco spent most of Monday morning trying to avoid Chantay's questions. The woman could drive him absolutely insane. "This is why I am a bloody gay man," he murmured to himself at his desk. Luckily, the woman in question was too busy draping fabric over a mannequin to notice him at all.

Hermione, the other hand, was sending daggers his way. Her look told him that she wasn't going to wait very long to see Harry. It wasn't that he didn't see the significance of the golden trio, nor that he didn't think she loved him. Draco wasn't sure how Harry would react to her. The sound of Harry's venom toward Beth made him leery of the whole idea. He just didn't know what to do.

The day went by painfully slow, and he decided to stop at home before heading out to see Harry. Tossing his gloves on the table, Draco cast a glance in the mirror. He made it a full ten steps into the living room before he noticed something…or rather that he had forgotten to notice something. Back peddling into the entryway, he stared into the mirror once more.

In three years, the first thing he always thought when looking at himself was how ugly he was. He saw the scars and nothing else. But just now, he hadn't noticed them at all. In fact the only thing he thought at all at the sight of himself was that he might need a haircut soon. It was strange standing there without any self-loathing. He didn't miss the feeling, that was sure, but he felt all together different about it. Thinking back, he didn't even notice any of the usual stares or rude comments on the way home. For once, he was so utterly full feeling that he hadn't cared. It occurred to him that it didn't matter anymore. He had Harry and that was more than enough. If Harry loved him even with his scars, he honestly didn't care what the world thought of him, or what he looked like in the mirror. He smiled at himself, and the man peering back at him was much more than the boy with a perfect face.

By the time he was ready to go see his lover, his mood had brightened so much that he could barely contain his happiness. When he saw Beth coming up the sidewalk, he smiled at her. "You look happy. Things went well last night?"

Draco shrugged. "Things went as well as I could hope for at this point."

Beth raised and ashen brow. "So why the smile?"

"Nothing important. I just realized something before I came here that's all."

The older woman sighed and shook her head. "Let's go see James. Who knows maybe he won't even say anything off color today."

Later, he would try to piece together the events that followed, but everything was a blur. He remembered taking the stairs, and seeing the door half open. Pushing it farther, he gasped and screamed for Beth to call an ambulance. Harry was sprawled out on the floor. Beside him lay an empty bottle of pills and a spilled bottle of cheep scotch. Draco knelt down beside him trying to push the hysteria out of his mind. He checked for breathing and nearly lost control when he wasn't. Thank God, he still had a faint pulse.

"Move!" Beth cried. She shoved a cell phone in Draco's hand, and began to roll Harry on his back. Tilting his head back, Beth breathed into his mouth watching be air fill his chest.

"Ma'am? Ma'am! Are you still with us?" A voice sounded from the phone.

"She's breathing for him," Draco said weakly. All he could do was watch.

"Sir, do you know what he took?"

He picked up the bottle. "Oxy Contin and scotch."

"How much?"

Beth began to panic as the seconds ticked by. Her attempts to revive Harry became more and more frantic. "Oh, God James, come back!"

"SIR! Can you tell me how much? You have to remain calm."

"I don't know! I don't know!"

Please God, don't let him die. Don't die. Please you have to hold on! Draco pleaded silently. He was shaking so badly that he dropped the phone. Like a miracle, two EMT's rushed through the door.

After that, time slowed to an almost stop. Hours past by like years in the hospital waiting room. He sat beside Beth with a ball of lead in his stomach and tears on his face, and she didn't look much better. Periodically, they would see someone walk by them and not even look at the strange pair. The doctor who had initially came to ask questions about medical history had been reluctant to share any information with people who were not family.

They hadn't been there overly long when a grizzled old man in his sixties stormed in. "Bethy baby," he said breathlessly.

The normally composed woman dissolved into her husband's chest. "I can't do this again!" she cried.

"Shh, darling, it's going to be fine. You probably saved that boy's life. Now it's time to calm down and wait," he told her softly. "Why don't you go get yourself cleaned up and have a cup of coffee?"
Beth nodded and scurried out of the room leaving Draco and her husband to simply stare at each other. "So you're the boyfriend?" he said plainly.

Draco nodded. "I'm Draco Michaels."

The man sat down uninvited. "I'm Jack."

The silence and minutes dragged on, yet Draco kept replaying what Beth had said in his head. Finally, he had to ask. "What did she mean when she said she couldn't do this again?"

Jack grunted. "Our boy, Jack Jr., came home from Nam and blew his brains out. He spent a lot of time doing drugs before he did it. I guess Bethy wanted to save this one."

"And she did," a gray haired doctor said as he swept into the room. "I'm Dr. Caruthers. I handled James today."

Draco was confused by the openness of the man. "I thought you weren't allowed to tell us anything?"

The doctor smiled and winked at him. "I don't see any reason why I shouldn't share information with his fiancé." Draco merely stared at him gratefully. Dr. Caruthers continued,"anyway, James is doing very well. Your wife keeping air going into him saved him. Not to mention, that it reduced the risk of brain damage. I think he'll make a full recovery."

The weight melted off of Draco's chest and he couldn't restrain the tears of happiness from flowing. "Oh God, thank you." He stood and shook the doctor's hand. "Can I see him?"

"In a little while. He is going to have to have a psych consult. They may want him to go into an institution for a bit."

Draco nodded, but deep down he knew what was really best for Harry.

When Beth got back, there were many more tears of relief. She agreed to wait until morning to see Harry, and kissed his cheek before leaving. "You'll help him through this, I know," she said quietly.

Draco's stomach was in knots by the time he was led down a fluorescent lit hall. This was the first time he'd ever been inside a muggle hospital. Everything about it made him want to run away. The smell seemed to creep into every pore of his being.

He opened the door with his heart in his mouth, and stared at the man sitting in the bed. Harry's face was drawn and still slightly grayish, and tubes stuck out of his arm. Facing Draco, his eyes welled up. All Draco could do was ask, "Why?"

"I can't live like this anymore," Harry croaked.

"Let me help you. I want make this better for you." He took hold of Harry's limp hand. "Please, just let me be there for you. No matter what, you don't have to be alone."

"You don't know anything about it. How could you? You weren't there!"

"Tell me all of it, Harry. I'm not leaving until you do."

For along time, they just sat there. Draco holding Harry's hand and Harry staring at the wall. Finally, he faced Draco. "He made me live it," he said hoarsely. "All of it. He took all of his memories and put them into me. I know everything he did. I was THERE when my parents died! I watched him mutilate my father. And then my mother…oh God, and that's not the worst of it. I FELT what he did. He was inside me and I still can't get rid of what he put in my head. I was supposed to protect everyone and I became the one who did it."

Draco wrapped his arms around him fiercely. "No, Harry, that's not you. And you don't have to protect anyone anymore. I'm here. I'll protect you from now on, ok?"

"Draco, you don't understand. How can I be with you when I know what they did to you? I know like I was there. It's like I was part of it! And it felt like I was laughing at it, enjoying it! How can I be with you when it's my fault?" Harry was trembling.

Memories of the night he was raped by the Death Eaters rose in his mind unbidden. It had taken him years to push it all away, and deal with it. Now, holding the love of his life, he felt sick. "That wasn't you," he said firmly. "Voldemort order his men to do that, but you are not him. Listen to me, I love you. I will be there for you forever. You are not going to face these things alone. We'll talk about it, all of it."

"But I can't…"

He forced Harry to look at him. "You will. We will. The only way to heal is together.

"I love you, Draco. I want to believe we can do it."

Draco smiled. "You have no idea how happy that makes me. I love you more than anything."

"Ahem!" They both turned to the door to see a disgruntled nurse. "Time to leave," she said harshly.

He pushed a raven lock off Harry's forehead and kissed the scar. "Get some sleep, love. I'll be back tomorrow morning."

Just as he turned to go, Harry called to him, "Tomorrow is the first day I've looked forward to in a long time."

Back at his apartment, Draco collapsed onto the couch with his head spinning. What next? No avoiding it—it was time to call in the cavalry.