. HORCRUX .
So fuck you
And your untouchable face
And fuck you
For existing in the first place
And who am I
That I should be vying for your touch
And who am I
I bet you can't even tell me that much
[Ani DiFranco]
"I love you."
Sirius looked at Lily as she blurt out something like that - he was so confused that he wasn't even sure whether that was the first or the second time she pronounced those words.
Now that was strange, very strange.
They were alone in the corridor, almost all the rest of Hogwarts sleeping around them. That afternoon Lily had told him she had to talk to him about something, she had set an appointment in her usual hurried way - although, honestly, now that he was recollecting it, she had been more upset than ever, that evening, not eating and stuff. But he had taken for granted that she could only want to tell him something concerning James, somehow. That was why turning upside down his whole mental disposition was now so hard.
Sirius Black tried to concentrate.
So these were the facts: Lily Evans, the perpetual arrogant I-know-it-all red-haired girl, the exact same girl on whom he had been hitting without the slightest sign of success for ages - even if, he had to admit, it had been just for fun - was now in front of him, quite near to be precise, so near that he could smell her scent, her fiery head so unusually low, proclaiming, of all things, that she loved him.
He found actually nothing strange in the fact that a girl loved him, neither in the fact that a girl confessed it. By the way, modesty apart, he was the most desired boy of Hogwarts. What was strange, though, was the fact that the girl in matter was Lily Evans, who - the irony of it - happened to be the girlfriend of one of his best friends, James Potter. And their relationship wasn't just a stupid adventure - they had been together for several months now, and they seemed to look so good as a couple that Sirius could guess they would end up marrying.
Now this really comes out of the blue! Ah, women… Sirius thought cynically while peering at Lily.
At the sight of her looking back at him rather expectantly, Sirius bit his lips and realized he found the situation quite funny - he burst out into laughter, running his bony hand trough his wonderful black hair, still looking at Lily, who was now sort of embarrassed.
"You… you love me?" He asked cruelly and rhetorically.
He was still laughing, and this was enough to make Lily furious. Scrutinizing her now icy face, Sirius moved closer to her, still trying to look more amused than he actually was. As a matter of fact, he was starting to feel rather strange instead.
"Now, Evans.." he continued, since she still wasn't speaking "Have I been living in an alternate universe for the last…uhm.. Let me think, six months I guess, or are you James Potter's girlfriend?"
At this remark, Lily stared at Sirius as if she was going to slap him. Had he known how close she had been to doing it, he would have stepped one meter back.
"I am James' girlfriend," she replied, almost exasperated.
But you must have been living in an alternate universe not to notice that I love you.. She added this last bit just into her mind.
Surely, at this point at least the embarrassment between them was gone - Lily was mad, and Sirius was astonished.
"So why the hell are you here telling me that you love me! That's pure madness, and that could be kind of noxious, you know?" Now there were symptoms of agitation in Sirius' voice. "Listen, Evans. I don't know what you are planning to do right here this evening, but I reckon this all has to be a stupid joke, even if you are one of the persons with the most abysmal sense of humour I've ever met. That said, I wish you a good night."
After having said this, Sirius waved at her and turned on his heel, showing her his back. Clearly his intention was to go away pretending he had never heard anything.
Of course, that was quite a stupid deed - a deed that turned Lily even more angry.
Sirius didn't have the time to make a few steps that she grabbed his arm fiercely, making him turn back to her.
She observed his handsome and untouchable face for a few moments before slapping him.
Hard.
That left him completely dumbfounded. He quickly withdrew his arm from her grip, extracting his wand -in a moment of panic he feared that Lily could jinx him with some wicked spell, seeing how furious she was. Instead, now they were both staring stunned at each other.
"What are doing with that?" She asked raising her voice "Are you going to jinx me just because I slapped you?"
Sirius immediately lowered his wand.
"I thought you were going to do that!" he replied, while massaging his hit cheek.
"Oh, hell, Black! I would never jinx you.." she said to him quite resigned, lowering her head, a shade of pink on her face.
For the first time he realized how serious she had been while saying what-she-had-previously-said - he didn't dare to repeat those words even into his mind - and how incorrectly he had behaved towards her.
But - Lily Evans loving him!
Do not repeat that, hell!, he told to himself.
Despite becoming more and more conscious of the innumerable problems this situation could pull out, Sirius couldn't manage to act earnestly.
"Oh, how very.. kind of you, you would never jinx me! But, guess what, you just slapped me!" He said sarcastically. "Or maybe that doesn't count!"
And with this remark, Sirius had just gained himself another slap. Harder than the first one.
The pain actually distracted him from the situation for a few moments. But then he looked around, to make sure none was witnessing what was happening. Two slaps from Lily Evans were nothing to be very proud of…
"Ah, of course!" Lily seemed to have noticed Sirius' attitude. "Look around, make sure none has seen us! Quite a shame if one of your little bitches has seen me, the little annoying Pottergirl, slapping a celebrity like you!" she was totally livid, now. "You know what, Black? Fuck you and your untouchable face!"
For a moment, Sirius raised his arm before his face, having the suspicion she was going to slap him again.
But Lily just walked away with a tired snort.
In the very moment he saw Lily's red hair waving on her back, he understood that, for some obscure reasons, he didn't want Lily leaving that place - at all.
"Wait, Evans!"
Sirius flung himself towards her, first pulling her abruptly so that he could see her bewildered expression, then cupping her face with both his hands. She instantly grabbed his wrists trying to get rid of his hold, and opened her mouth to protest, frowning.
"Now you just shut up, my little Lily… " Sirius spoke before she could say a single word.
Lily jumped while hearing those words.
My little Lily.
That was the way Sirius used to call her before she became James' girl. After that, Sirius had suddenly given up all his flirting manners towards her, all his teasing, provoking, behaving with her like the womanizer he actually was. He had started calling her Evans, and talking to her only when strictly necessary - for example when he needed to copy some Potion essay.
And Lily, who had always thought she despised Sirius, had found herself completely destroyed by his behaviour, without understanding why.
At first she had tried to convince herself that it was just a matter of pride - being trashed that way had been a hard stroke considering her stubborn nature. But when she had become aware that every single moment spent with Sirius - moments that, by the way, were becoming rarer and rarer - was like a treasure for her, and that she kept on thinking about it for all the subsequent hours, she had realized that something was wrong.
That was why, after six months of doubts, Lily was there in that corridor humbling herself with that pathetic love confession, instead of finishing her homework or spending time with James.
"Get off those slimy hands of yours… " Lily hissed, still holding firmly his wrists. "Also.. I thought you'd given up using that nickname a long time ago."
Sirius smiled smartly, bemused for her angry but stirred voice.
"I thought you've always wanted me to give up using it."
"What if I didn't? Now let me go," she snapped.
"For heaven's sake!" Sirius exclaimed incredulous, rolling his eyes while letting her go. She withdrew with a jolt. "You know, Lily, I think we lost track of what this conversation was supposed to be. First you slap me, then you insult me, finally you get mad if I touch you! This is sure the most dreadful love confession I've ever received.."
"Well, it's my damned love confession and I do it however I want!"
"Excuse me if I'm involved, then! Excuse me if right now I'm completely stunned that James' crazy and stubborn girl just came here telling me she loves me and smashing into smithereens my whole universe, excuse me if I still haven't the slightest idea of what the hell I can tell her in reply!"
They were both quite upset, in that moment, taking deep breaths and avoiding to look at each other not to make that conversation end up in a magical duel.
They stayed in utter silence for near a minute, then Lily turned to him.
"I'm going to the dormitory. It's late. I suppose all this was stupid, a total waste of time," she was serious now, not angry, not upset anymore.
"Well, I'm glad you consider talking to me a total waste of time, my little Lily…"
"Don't call me like that!" She exploded, "not anymore.." she added then more sadly. "Good night and sweet dreams, Black."
She made another attempt at going away.
But Sirius reached for her again.
"Wait, wait, wait!" he grabbed her arm again, more softly than before though, and this time she didn't even try to get rid of him. Instead, she gazed at his hand helplessly. "Now it's my turn to speak!"
"Have other complaints about my dreadful love confession?" She tried to be ironic, but noticed that now he was too serious to keep on kidding.
"I just want to know - what was your purpose?"
"My purpose?" she asked, getting upset again.
"Yeah, right. Your purpose, Evans. Because I don't think you came here just to tell me what you've told me to then go away as nothing had happened!"
"I thought you were going to do that," she smirked, imitating Sirius' statement after the wand-episode.
"Whatever, maybe I was planning to do that. But now I'm not."
"But I am!" She yelled at him. "Listen, Black - I repent having done this. I don't know what on Earth came over me, but now it's over. I suppose your nonexistent answer to my nonexistent question is a 'no'. So I guess you're still the bastard womanizer you've always been, and I'm still the Pottergirl who will marry James. And now, if all this looks fine to you, I'm going."
This time Sirius let her walk trough half the corridor before stopping her.
"And what if I told you all this doesn't look fine to me?" The statement was thrown there, rather casually, but Sirius voice was astonishingly sincere.
So Lily stopped.
"What do you mean?" She asked without turning back.
Meanwhile, Sirius was walking slowly to reach her.
"I mean.. what if I told you something like 'I love you too, my little Lily'? What would happen in that case? Would you leave James? Would we get together? I think you must have considered the consequences of your action. Or you just supposed my answer was going to be 'no' in any case?"
Lily was completely frozen. Actually, she didn't know what she had previously intended to do after telling him those damned words. In a way, she hadn't considered the consequences of her action, to use Sirius' words. And right now she didn't think telling that to him was a great idea. So she remained silent. Since she made no attempt to change her position, Sirius had to be the one walking around her, to be able to see her face again. He examined it, but it was almost impossible to state what was streaming through her mind.
"And they say the eyes are the mirror of your soul.." thought Sirius annoyed, staring at her blank expression.
"Lily - or Evans.. You choose it.." he began, trying to catch her gaze.
"Evans, thank you," she said proudly.
"Right. Evans, you know. You love James. I respect James. James loves you and respects me. See where this is going? Me and you, this could just never be. Because it's wrong," he looked as if he was talking to a three-years old child. "You do know you should never have come here telling me those things, don't you?"
"I know.." she replied, feeling completely humiliated. Once again her stubbornness had disappeared. She looked more like a subdued slave. By the way, that was Sirius' power.
The sight of Lily in such a way didn't leave him untouched though. He placed his hand on her shoulder, stroking briefly her neck. Despite the sweetness he felt for her, he couldn't drop completely his ambiguous attitude.
"You weren't hoping we could have a story, were you?" He asked with a cruel smile.
Lily covered her eyes with both her hands, and the moment after she was hiding her head in his neck.
"I don't know…" she breathed, still a hint of anger in her voice. "And don't touch me."
"Not to be monotonous here, but.. You're the one touching me right now." Sirius laughed nervously, removing his hand from her shoulder. But she remained still buried in his neck.
"I never said I couldn't touch you," she snapped back. Then she broke away suddenly.
But with a quick movement he circled her neck with his entire arm, pulling her beside him, in the same playboy-ish way he used to do it six months ago. That sudden closeness added more instability to the situation, if possible.
"You know, little Lily, you're driving me crazy this evening… and do not even try to complain about the 'little Lily' thing.." he ordered her, seeing that she had opened her mouth to say something. She obeyed. "Fine. I see we're starting to understand each other. Now, since you cannot answer me, let's make this experiment," he turned to her, his eyes fixed in hers, no tracks of shame on his face.
"I love you, Lily." He proclaimed dramatically. "I've been loving you from the very first moment I saw you. Shall you become my girlfriend? If you say yes, I will be happy for my entire life."
"You're the most bastard womanizer I've ever encountered, Black." Lily replied, still uncertain whether she wanted to laugh or to cry about his performance.
"Ok, I'll take this as a 'yes'," he was smiling - that sneaky smile. "Then, we may go and proclaim the sweet news to the others, James in primis. Or maybe this wasn't what you wanted? And stop calling me Black. That's so formal!"
"All right. You like to act, Sirius? Well, let's act!" Lily was smiling even more wickedly than Sirius, if possible. She pushed his arm away so that she could move in front of him, their noses inches apart, their gazes locked. "If I am your girlfriend, then kiss me."
Sirius stared at her for a moment, then he laughed loudly.
"You know I'm perfectly capable to do it. Don't challenge me, little Lily."
"If you're capable, do it."
So that was definitively a challenge. And Sirius accepted it.
The moment after, he pressed his lips on hers - he didn't hug her, didn't touch her. Just lips on lips.
Instantly she pushed him away.
"Hell! Are you mental or what?" She yelled furiously.
Sirius couldn't contain the laughter.
"You asked me to do that! I was just trying to be a good boyfriend.." he winked.
But Lily didn't seem to be listening to him.
"I've just cheated on James… " she was whispering to herself, a scandalized voice.
"Ah ah! Yeah, exactly. And I suppose you've enjoyed it quite much."
Their teasing game seemed eternal. But Lily wasn't the one going to interrupt it.
"Honestly, Black. - she affirmed, her hands on her hips - I would have expected something better from an infamous playboy like you."
"A-ha. I see what you're trying to do here. You want another kiss. Well, I suppose since you're my girlfriend I cant refuse to do that, can I?" He murmured while moving closer.
"No, you can't," she quickly replied, grabbing the sleeves of his uniform.
"Perfect."
So Sirius kissed her again. She didn't push him away, this time, her hands still on his arms. He stroked her hair softly, and unable to contain a gleam of passion, he licked her lower lip. But before she had the time to respond, he himself broke the kiss unexpectedly.
In the moment he looked at her flushed face, he remembered what he had apparently and pathetically forgotten.
He was kissing the girl of one of his best friends.
They both seemed out of their selves, all caution thrown to the wind.
"Now, Lily," he tried to sound perfectly calm when he wasn't calm at all "I suppose our love-story is becoming too binding. Sorry, but I'm tired of you. Let's end this here." He concluded with a half-smile.
Lily was speechless, but she was experimenting a total chaos in her mind. She would have so gladly slapped Sirius for his outrageous behaviour, but on the other hand she was vying for another kiss. So she did both things.
First she slapped him with rage.
"This was because you're a bastard womanizer, if I haven't already told you."
He hadn't time to reply, that Lily was kissing him again, leaving him slightly amused. She broke away after a few seconds, but Sirius didn't let her escape from his hug.
"And this was because of what?" He whispered into her ear.
Lily reflected for a moment, than she replied scornfully.
"This was just because three is the perfect number."
"Oh, how strange. I've always thought it was seven.." he smirked while leaning on her.
"It's three. Three, Black, and don't you dare.."
But it was too late. Sirius lips were already on hers again. All that stunt they had pulled out, and she still was convinced of being helplessly in love with him.
Sirius broke away, and then kissed her again. Just a whisper from his lips.
"Five.."
She pushed him away.
"I hate you and myself for doing this." She was was reaching the breaking point.
He grabbed both her hands, and brought them to his lips.
"Lily.. Remember that this can just never be. Never."
But she kissed him again.
Six.
Sirius interrupted the kiss.
"Kissing it's not right the kind of thing I usually do with the girl I've just ditched.." he smiled "..and also not right the kind of thing I should be doing with James' girlfriend."
"Black?" The expression on her face was both silly and stern. "If I marry James, can I cheat on him with you whenever I want?"
Sirius laughed heartily.
"Of course, my little Lily. I will be at you service 365 days a year, 24 hours a day."
She leaned forward to kiss him again, but he stopped her.
"Hey. Save that one for later. It's the seventh one, the perfect one. The last one. You don't want to waste it in such a way, I hope."
Lily was sure that a kiss given to him couldn't possibly be defined wasted, but what she said had nothing to do with that topic.
"You're not telling James, are you?" There was a kind of fear in her voice, but also something different, in between pure joy and terrible regret.
"Well, I suppose I won't tell him, unless I'll have the strong desire of being killed instantly with an Avada Kedavra.." he smiled, messing up her hair and stepping back.
She smiled, quite sadly tough.
"I do love you." she repeated.
He felt like having been wounded.
"You should forget that," he said severely. "Really."
"But how can I?" Lily asked as if he could actually give her a satisfactory answer.
But he was already leaving, and she could see only his back and his beautiful black hair. The he stopped, and turned to her with a strange smile.
"You could just entrap in a Horcrux the part of your soul that loves me. I suppose that would work. Though, you don't seem the most suitable person to do such a thing, I guess," he laughed.
"In a what? What the hell are you talking about, Black?" She almost had to yell to let him hear her voice, since he was walking further and further in the corridor.
"Ha. Lily, just drop it. That's quite dark stuff, I won't explain it to children. See you for the seventh kiss, Pottergirl."
"Hey, Black, you want to know a thing? Fuck you!"
That was the shout he heard before disappearing behind the corner.
END
Author's notes: Well, I've always had an infatuation with Sirius/Lily. I hope I'm not the only one.. Who knows.. For the Horcrux thing: I'm not going to explain what I'm talking about because it's a Half Blood Prince spoiler. If you really want to know, just read HBP…
I received a sort of flame for this fic I guess.. Ok I have to say that the couple is quite unusual and could be irritating, I'm sorry - so please, if you've read and you haven't found this dreadful, let me know.
Swamp-eyes
