:: Perfect World ::
Gensomaden Saiyuki
Disclaimer: I don't own Gensomaden Saiyuki, which rightfully belongs to Minekura Kazuya.
Rating: R
Pairings: Homura/Goku, Homura/Rinrei
Warnings: AU-ish, angst, shounen ai, het, strong language
Notes: Updates will continued as originally planned, no matter what SATs and such come up. If no more interruptions happen, the fic in its entirety will be finished and postedby mid-June.
Thanks for the reviews. Feedback and constructive criticism is appreciated.
Chapter Eighteen
"I can't believe you!"
It was one of the rare times Homura had honestly not seen that coming. He blinked, eyeing his lover in honest perplexity. From his peripheral vision he saw Zenon raise an eyebrow. He didn't seem to know what was going on any more than Homura did. Glancing quickly sideways, he saw that Shien didn't, either.
"All right," he finally said. "Neither can I. Now what are you angry about?"
The flash in Goku's eyes gave him a hint. It was the same glint he'd catch either when the boy was overreacting to something (which was more often than not) or when he had a serious, justifiable reason to be furious.
Homura didn't have a good feeling about this one.
Amazingly enough, Goku managed to keep a hold of his composure, even if it was somewhat shaky. He's learning patience. Good, thought Homura.
"We're lovers, right?" Goku demanded.
Homura heard Zenon shift his weight. Seeming to realize the seriousness of the looming conversation, Shien said quietly, "Perhaps we should leave."
Without taking his eyes off the boy, Homura waved his hand dismissively at the man. It wasn't a signal to get out, but one to drop it. If it was a private conversation Goku needed, the boy could have sought him out elsewhere, at another time. "Yes," he said. "I believe that is obvious enough."
Goku ignored the deadpan remark. "Right. But we're not casual lovers, are we?" Though he was the one playing the Twenty Questions game, Goku seemed to be growing more agitated by the second. His voice was unusually short and clipped.
That did not bode well. Homura answered indulgingly. "No."
"So that makes us boyfriends, doesn't it?"
Zenon seemed to become more uncomfortable at the same rate Goku was growing angrier. He turned, leaning against the wall and pretending to find his gun more interesting than the conversation. His actions were curious, but Homura still said nothing. He still couldn't see where the conversation was going, and the bad feeling was only growing worse. He briefly considered leaving before things erupted with the inevitable argument. Pride as well as curiosity kept him sitting where he was. "If that is what you want to call it, yes."
"Good." Goku's eyes were smoldering, the gold nearly burnt bronze in his rage. "So maybe you'd like to tell me, Homura," he said tightly. "When I was sucking you off yesterday, why the hell did you say 'Rinrei?!' "
Zenon's discomfort was automatically contagious. Homura shifted in his seat, too startled to reply right away. Even though he hated himself for it, he couldn't keep the boy's gaze and had to glance off to the side.
So he heard, was all he could think. He remembered whispering the name, but it had been low enough, soft so that he had hoped Goku hadn't heard it. The boy hadn't hesitated in what he was doing, and Homura hadn't found it strange that he was oddly quiet as they fell asleep. He had dismissed it as Goku being exhausted.
Sometimes he hated the way he tried to hide from things, especially from himself.
At last he said softly, "Shall we take this elsewhere?"
"No," Goku said stubbornly. "I don't care if they hear it." When Homura looked back at him he saw the boy giving his two companions a withering look. "They know about her anyway. Nobody wanted to tell me anything." His voice was rising in pitch. "Nobody tells me anything around here! You guys are the one that rescued me and took me in, and you don't want me to be a part of this group!"
His accusation made Homura inwardly flinch. Luckily, he had dealt with harsh situations in the past five hundred years, so it wasn't too difficult for him to superficially control his expressions.
Zenon wasn't quite as composed. "Hey," he heard the man growl as he took a step forward. "Don't you start--"
Homura held up a hand, effectively silencing the man. He turned his gaze back to Goku, speaking quietly. "I'm sorry you feel that way. However--"
"No," Goku cut in, his fists clenched. "Shut up. Just shut up!" Again Homura was taken aback, and this time he couldn't hide his startled look. Unfortunately, Goku noticed, and Homura recognized the glimmer of satisfaction in the boy's eyes. "I'm not finished."
It didn't take long for him to recover. "Finish, then," Homura said.
Goku paused to take a deep breath. It seemed to calm him down a little; his arms weren't shaking anymore. However, when he spoke it was filled with the same anger colored with bitterness. "When I went into town," the boy said slowly, appearing to struggle with his words. "I saw Konzen. But I didn't leave. I found this girl."
Homura immediately looked at Zenon. The man didn't look back; he stepped backward a little, leaning against the wall behind them and suddenly finding the floor interesting. Biting back a sigh, Homura turned his attention back to Goku. So that is what they were talking about...
"Her name's Mariko," Goku continued, his voice growing tighter with each word. "She has the hair and eyes. She got it from her mother's side." He took another steadying breath. This time it was Goku who couldn't look at Homura; the boy had lowered his eyes to Homura's feet instead. "The stupid place is southwest from here. Between cliffs. I don't know how far. It's been abandoned. Mariko lives northwest from it."
It was the clue he'd been searching for. Homura's eyes widened slightly. He had expected the family to be difficult to find, had known that Rinrei had most likely died many years ago. There wasn't much he could do; it wasn't like he could go after her.
What Homura really wanted to do was to find her home, her resting place, and pay his respects. After all he had put her through, it was the least he could do for her.
He started to rise, but Goku wasn't finished. "She gave me a list of names." The boy's fists were clenched at his sides. "Of women in her mother's side of the family. Rinrei was one of them." Goku practically spat out the last sentence, as though he hated the mere thought of her.
All Homura could realize was that there was no doubt this was the place. He got to his feet, striding forward and grasping Goku by the shoulders. Without waiting for the boy to raise his head to look at him, Homura murmured, "Thank you."
Ignoring Goku's protests he let go of the boy and strode past him. He could deal with their problems later. Goku could wait; he was a heretic, would live practically forever. They didn't have forever, but they had enough time to resolve things later. That and he knew it would be best if he gave the boy time to cool off.
But Rinrei was dead, and Homura was long overdue to pay his respects.
------
He couldn't believe Homura had just left. Goku found himself staring after the man, stupidly wondering if what had just occurred was a dream.
He could feel his hands shaking. There was sweat dampening his palms, making his fingers slick against each other. No doubt he was wide awake, not dreaming-- and absolutely livid.
"Bastard," he heard someone whisper. It took a moment to realize that his voice was choked, gritty and hot. "That... bastard..."
Heavy footsteps sounded behind him. He felt Zenon put a hand on his shoulder, knew it was Zenon because Shien would never touch him like that. The man gave him a firm squeeze. "Hey. Kid. Maybe we should talk."
"Yeah," Goku said thickly, tearing his shoulder away from Zenon. "Yeah. Let's talk. Okay? Let's talk about how right I am. Let's talk about how none of you guys tried to deny what I said! You really don't want me to be a part of this group!" He took a deep breath, shuddering from sheer overwhelming anger. "Let's talk about some people don't even have the decency to apologize after saying someone else's name during sex!"
He yelped as Zenon smacked him upside the head. "I don't want to hear about that," the man said irritably. "Maybe we ought to take a walk elsewhere."
Goku saw Shien nod as though understanding before he left. Shuddering, Goku took a step back. He knew he was being childish when he said, "I don't want to," but at the moment he didn't care.
Apparently, neither did Zenon. "Well, that's just too fuckin' bad for you, then." With that he grabbed Goku's arm in a tight hold, dragging the boy out despite his protests. Goku struggled to wrestle his arm free but had little luck.
He didn't want to talk about it. For all that was holy, for the sake of his emotionally raw state right then, the last thing Goku wanted to do was talk about anything. Right then he just wanted to hit a few walls, kick something, scream obscenities that would put Zenon to shame. He wanted to punch Homura in the face, he was so angry.
But he did not want to talk.
Once they reached the stairs Zenon's grip on the boy loosened. Goku happily wrenched his arm free, shoving his hands in his pockets. It was a good move; he was wary that if he didn't do something with them he might try to start a fight with Zenon. While Goku knew he was good, he also knew he was not good enough to beat the man in a fist-fight.
At last the man spoke. "You really shouldn't have made such a scene, you know." There was a metallic click that followed his words. Goku made a face when he smelled burning tobacco, but he said nothing about it. "That was really stupid."
"Yeah. Excuse me for being stupid," Goku muttered.
"You're excused." Goku shot the man a withering glare, but Zenon pretended not to notice. "At least you did well enough to tell him about the place you found."
"I shouldn't have," Goku said bitterly. "I should have punched his face in first."
Zenon snorted. "You haven't been able to land a hit on him once since he let you out of that cave."
The reminder of his prison made Goku shudder. He clenched his fists, resisting the urge to shut his eyes as well. The last thing he needed was to trip down the stairs. "Maybe he shouldn't have."
Zenon stopped, turning to look at him. "Shouldn't have let you out?"
Nodding, Goku stopped as well. He clenched his eyes shut, the words ricocheting in his head. He shouldn't have let me out, he should have left me there... Tremors coursed through his body. I shouldn't have said yes... why didn't I wait for my Sun? Homura doesn't really want me, the lying bastard!
This time he was unable to resist the urge to punch something; he drew a balled fist out and slammed it into the nearest wall. Paint chipped off; plaster cracking to reveal the stone beneath it.
"He shouldn't have freed me," Goku growled. "Not if he's going to act like such a selfish jerk. Gods, I hate him so much right now!" He punctuated his exclamation with another solid punch. His knuckles hurt, and if he continued he would probably break his hand.
Unfortunately, Goku was past the point of caring. A small cry worked its way out of his throat as he drew his hand back again, beating the wall with both fists. Even as his knuckles scraped, blood starting to stain his hands, he didn't stop. Strangely enough, Zenon didn't try to stop him, either. The man stood quietly behind him, seeming content to let the boy take his anger out on an inanimate object. Considering who was with him, it was better for Goku to take his anger out on an inanimate object rather than an animate one.
At least he wasn't crying. That was the only thing he could be grateful for, Goku realized as he finally ceased his physical venting before slumping to the floor. His fingers tensed, his fists pressed into the wall as he struggled to choke down frustrated cries. His face felt hot, his hands slick and sticky with blood. Clenching his stinging eyes shut, Goku let out a short, angry scream that hurt his throat.
He didn't feel any better. Instead he felt worse, and on top of his tangled emotions his hand ached and his throat felt raw.
"You done?" he heard Zenon ask once his breathing became noticeably less ragged. Goku opted not to answer, still shuddering in anger. "Good. Because I have something to say, too."
Voice gritty, Goku practically spat out, "I don't wanna hear it."
"Tough shit." Goku yelped as Zenon grabbed a handful of his long hair, tugging until Goku looked back at him. His visible eye was narrow, his brow creased in something akin to annoyance. "Our loyalties lie with Homura. Mine, Shien's, and yours, whether you like it or not. He's done more good than harm to you, so quit being such a baby and get over it."
"I'm not being a baby!" Goku swatted at Zenon's arm; the man let go of his hair, causing Goku to teeter and fall on his backside. Scrambling away from him but not standing up, Goku growled, "He's the one that said we could be in a relationship! He shouldn't have said 'yes' if he was still hung over some stupid gi--"
"Hey!" Zenon cut in, his tone so fierce it startled Goku into forgetting what he was saying. "Watch your goddamn mouth, you little brat! I don't like that he's carrying that sort of weight around, either, but I'm not going to bitch about it because it does not concern me. It doesn't concern you, either, so stop acting like Homura fucking betrayed you!"
"Isn't that what he did?!" Resentful at Zenon's words, Goku quickly pushed himself to his feet, ignoring the pain in his bloodied hands as he did so. "That's exactly what he did! He's not supposed to be with her anymore, because now he's with me. You heard him! He said we were like boyfriends!"
Appearing disgusted, Zenon stood as well. "I knew I shouldn't have gotten involved. You're just a child. You make everything seem worse than it really is."
"I'm not a child!" Goku screamed. He was fifteen years old, for crying out loud! It was completely unfair that they were excluding him from things. A lot of it had to do with Homura never mentioning Rinrei before, for always avoiding the subject, but a good deal of Goku's fury also had to do with the fact that he was supposed to belong with this group. After three years he had finally gotten Zenon to accept him, was in a relationship with Homura, and even Shien didn't seem to dislike him as much as he had during their first meeting.
He considered all of that significant progress. That was why Goku couldn't understand why it was all falling apart around him. He hated that things were becoming unraveled.
"Well, you sure as hell are acting like one," Zenon returned with a snort. "Why don't you go cool off before you do something you'll regret?"
Something like red flashed behind Goku's eyes. He hardly heard the second sentence, all of his anger channeling into his fist as he curled his fingers and tackled the man without thinking. Seeming too surprised by the sudden violent movement, Zenon was unable to dodge in time and they both hit the floor. Goku's fist missed Zenon's face in his blind fury, and he let out a small shriek of frustration before he swung a second time.
Zenon caught the swing that would have otherwise hit its target that time. Snarling, Goku tried to pull his hand back, but the god held fast. Danger sparked in Zenon's visible eye, and the rational part of Goku's mind that had been pushed aside in his rage, flickering a warning signal
"Maybe," Zenon said through his teeth, "you were right. It's not like we really even need you yet anyway."
Freezing atop the man with his fist still trapped by Zenon, his other hand on the man's chest for support, Goku stared wide-eyed at him as he tried to work around his momentary speechlessness. His mouth moved without sound for a moment, but then he finally wrenched his hand free, climbing off Zenon as he demanded, "What the hell is that supposed to mean?"
Grimacing, Zenon didn't answer. He got to his feet, dusting imaginary dirt off his clothes. "If you're going to take your anger out on something, make sure it's inanimate," he grumbled. "Or at least take it out on one of the damned demons downstairs."
"Don't change the subject!" Goku grabbed a handful of Zenon's jacket. "I asked what you meant by that." His eyes narrowed until they were nearly slits. "You meant that Homura should have left me in the cave, didn't you?"
"And that's why I warned you," Zenon snarled, "to cool off before you did something you'll regret. It gets you nowhere." With that he turned and stormed down the stairs. Too stunned to react, Goku just watched. When he could finally feel his legs again he forced himself to descend the stairs as well, but when he reached the bottom Zenon was nowhere in sight.
Muttering softly to himself, the boy walked over to the end of the hallway, slamming his fist into the wall. He cringed when the move reminded him of the pain in his hand.
Once the elevator doors opened Goku went inside, but he didn't press any buttons. Instead he sat down, curling into a ball in one corner of the cramped space. His eyes stung but he didn't cry, simply staring at nothing.
He had never known it was possible to hate everything so much.
------
This was the place. He knew without even needing to set foot inside. Standing outside the door of the old and tiny house, he found himself staring at the handle. It seemed foreboding, the mere sight of it making his lungs constrict painfully. Suddenly it was so hard to breathe.
The feeling gradually eased, and when he could suck in air normally again he finally relaxed. Though his hand trembled a little, Homura reached out and opened the door.
Inside were the signs of a place that hadn't been touched in years. The floor creaked with his every step; the windows let in filtered sunlight, their glass not having seen water in ages. Homura only took a few steps into the place, then turned his head as he slowly surveyed the layout. The entryway led right into the kitchen; there was a sink beneath one of the dirtied windows, and the faucet appeared to have rusted over time. There were dishes that seemed to have been clean before the residents had left, and some were at the table as though they had left in a hurry.
Other strewn objects supported that theory. Many little things caught Homura's eye, such as the clock against the wall that no longer worked. There was a long crack across the glass protecting the dials. Dust blanketed in heavy layers over the old-fashioned piece of work. He took another step forward, the motion kicking up even more of similar dust. He sneezed.
As Homura began to raise his head again something else caught his eye. He moved forward, this time unaffected by the refuse as he crouched down and picked up the object on the floor. It was a small toy, a tiny drum on a stick with beads attached to strings that made a clacking noise when he twirled it in his fingers. A heavy feeling added weight to his chest as he realized it was a child's toy.
Well, of course she had children, he reminded himself. That is how you were able to find this place. Or rather, how Son Goku had been able to find it. Homura stopped that train of thought immediately. This wasn't the time to be thinking about the boy.
Still, the idea that she had bore another man's child saddened him, even made him mildly repulsed and jealous. He tried to ignore the latter feelings as he continued his walk through the house. He set the toy on the rectangular kitchen table before glimpsing the short hallway. Deciding that would likely lead to a bedroom or two, Homura strode toward it.
He was right. The tiny hallway had two doors in it; one opened into a storage cabinet, in which some food was still accumulated. Many perishables had rotted into unrecognizable clumps of mold; insects infested the place, cockroaches skittering across the floors and spiders weaving new webs around the old ones.
Calmly, Homura shut that door and moved to the next one. It was partially open, and when he pushed it with the tips of his fingers it swung further into the room. The hinges creaked loudly.
Inside there was a somewhat large bed. He saw no smaller ones, not even a crib, which indicated that the child must have slept with his or her parents. For a moment he toyed with the image in his mind, conjuring a sweet picture of his beloved Rinrei curled up on the bed after a hard day's work. One arm would be wrapped lovingly around the child; he could see the smile on her face as he imagined her stroking the child's hair, whispering a nighttime story until her gentle voice lulled her baby to sleep.
He allowed himself to imagine him on the other side of the child, his hand covering hers as they exchanged loving smiles. Thinking about it set aflame a painfully sweet fire to his emotions, and the feeling quickly turned bitter as he faded from the image and was replaced with a faceless, nameless man. The real man who had helped create the child... and the real husband of his beloved, long-dead Rinrei.
The room suddenly felt too hot, the air too thick with expanding dust particles. Shuddering, Homura quickly left. He had seen enough of the house. Now it was time for him to do what he had come there for.
He didn't look at anything but the front door as he walked out. The air was less stifling outside, and Homura breathed it gratefully. His bi-colored eyes grazed over the area, and soon enough he found what he had been looking for. A grave marker.
He stood before it, quietly amazed that the rocks had stood there for so long. Slowly he fell to one knee, lightly resting his hand against the highest stone. Here lay his beloved of five hundred years past. It had taken him far too long to find her resting place, and for that Homura doubted he could ever forgive himself.
Seeing her grave strengthened his resolve to create his new world once again. There were brief times when he would weaken, feel he simply couldn't go through with the plan. Remembering those times made Homura bitter. Never again, he vowed. He was so close now; he had Son Goku, and the boy was nearly at the level of strength of which he'd be of great use to him. Once the boy was at that level, Homura would seriously confront Konzen -- no, Genjo Sanzo -- and take possession of his scripture.
I am doing this for us, he thought, gazing at the grave marker. This world will accept our love.
"This world will accept our love," he repeated aloud. Somehow speaking the words had a profound effect on him. He shivered; suddenly feeling nauseas as he slowly released the rocks. Staring at her grave, he murmured it again.
Then it hit him like a blow to the gut. Gasping, Homura doubled over completely, clutching his stomach with his arms. His forehead pressed into the grass as he shuddered violently. His eyes stung and before he realized it tears worked their way out of him. Clenching his eyes shut, Homura only fought for a few moments longer before a short sob tore itself from his throat.
Rinrei was dead.
She was dead. She was gone, not breathing, no longer living, and likely never would do either of those things again. He wouldn't see her smile or hear her laugh again. Finding her grave and realizing the full extent of his new world plans had finally driven the point home.
Homura had never felt so miserable. Even though his sobs were already dying down, the weight of the truth still pressed down on his shoulders, making him still unable to lift his head from the ground. Even when his brief show of tears stopped Homura didn't move. He felt as though he'd never be able to pick himself up again.
When time passed -- whether they were minutes or hours, Homura didn't know nor did he care -- he finally sat up. His previous sorrow had ebbed enough so that he felt numb. Wiping the dirt from his forehead, Homura heaved a sigh and picked himself up. He wasn't yet ready to return to Konran Tower and face up to his earlier actions there, but he would go back tomorrow morning anyway. Until then he was going to grieve while he could. He had a feeling he wouldn't have many opportunities to do so later.
