:: Perfect World ::
Gensomaden Saiyuki
Disclaimer: I don't own Gensomaden Saiyuki, which rightfully belongs to Minekura Kazuya.
Rating: PG-13
Pairings: Homura/Goku, Homura/Rinrei, implied Konzen(Sanzo)/Goku
Warnings: AU-ish, angst, language, shounen ai
Notes: I have nothing to say except thank you for the reviews. And, as always, constructive criticism and feedback is appreciated.
Chapter Twenty
Goku had expected the man to dodge, block, anything to avoid his punch. It stunned him when his knuckles connected with the side of Homura's face, and he found himself drawing back slightly to lighten the blow. The force still sent the man staggering back and onto the bed.
Had he not been so infuriated, Goku would have been terrified. It wasn't like Homura to just let the boy through his defenses. He always had to make a point, to prove that Goku wasn't good enough yet, that he had to try harder if he wanted to fight well. His discouragements weren't disappointing, as Goku always strived to work harder when he couldn't meet the standards he wanted to. He wanted to be able to beat Homura in battle; he had a burning desire to someday best Homura.
But not like this. Not when Homura was going easy on him, letting him do what he wanted. Goku's fists clenched again; the hand he'd hit Homura with throbbed in pain. His knuckles hadn't healed from the abuse from the previous day. Now they ached again. Thankfully it was a dull pain, not sharp as it had been after punching the wall yesterday, but it still hurt.
It angered him so much to see Homura push himself up. He sat down on the bed, face turned away from the boy, his hand rubbing over his jaw. There was no rueful expression, no sneering, not the vaguest glimmer of amusement. He just seemed tired.
That pissed Goku off more than it should have.
"Why did you let me do that?" he demanded hotly. "I know you could have blocked me easily!"
Homura still didn't meet his gaze. The man trailed his fingers over his cheek, the skin darkening to a faint red already. Goku viciously hoped it would bruise.
After rubbing his lips with his thumb a couple times Homura finally seemed convinced that he wasn't bleeding. He looked up at Goku. The boy recognized a shadow of the man's usual cynicism. "I deserved it."
"Damn right you did," Goku agreed. Somehow Homura admitting it only made him feel worse. The more rational part of Goku realized that he should probably calm down so they could work this out, but seeing Homura again only served to remind him how the man had simply touched his shoulders, said his thanks, and then left without so much as an apology. There were some things Goku simply was not going to stand for-- and Homura ignoring him for any reasons was definitely one of those things.
Goku had spent nearly the entirety of the day before in the elevator. He hadn't sat there the whole time, of course; he was too fidgety to hold one position for long. Curled up for nearly two hours had beaten his normal record of sitting still by far.
Once he had stewed over Zenon's words he had stood up, pressing the button of the highest floor. He had ridden the elevator all the way up, but when the doors had slid open he had pretended not to notice, waiting for them to shut again before he rode the elevator to the very bottom. There he had glimpsed Zenon, and he knew the man had seen him. If he had wanted to say anything, he had decided not to.
Goku had continued riding the elevator for a while. It was a stupid way to keep himself busy, but it had succeeded. His fun had ended when the door had opened in a random floor on the middle, and Shien had been there, greeting him with a mildly questioning look. Since he hadn't been in the mood for the Twenty Questions game (though Shien didn't seem the type to be a fan of that) Goku had traded places with the man.
Once Shien had disappeared Goku had immediately started to go about some basic exercises. He had heard somewhere that movement would relieve stress, and to his amazement it had helped. He thought he had been calm enough to face Homura. That morning he had done some more early exercises, working off what he had believed to be the last of his tension. The gods forbid; his heart had even skipped when he had seen Homura from the back.
Hearing the man sigh his relief had broken the glass-like sense of calm around him. Goku had decided that if Homura was going to act his age, then he would act every bit the child they called him on.
"What do you want me to do?" Homura asked, still sounding as tired as he looked. The sound of his voice distracted Goku from his brief reminiscing. He stared at Homura, feeling a pang of guilt for pushing the man when he was clearly in such a delicate condition-- though "delicate" wasn't a word he would have normally used to describe Homura at all.
Even so, he didn't back down. "I don't know what I 'want' you to do," Goku muttered. Silently, he added, What I want to do is hit you again, you selfish jerk. As tempting as it was, he doubted Homura would let down his defenses twice.
Rubbing his forehead, the god seemed to think trying from another angle would work better. "What do you expect me to do?"
Goku's eyes narrowed. "I expect you to tell me about Rinrei." His voice came out surprisingly cold; Goku realized he hated this person already. He hadn't hated her when he had heard the name. He had been angry that Homura had never told him about her, but he hadn't loathed her then as he did just now. "Everything about her. Everything about her that's made you this way. You owe it to me," he insisted.
Homura didn't seem to disagree to that. "There isn't much to tell," he said quietly.
He was slipping into one of his moods again. Goku actually paused this time, momentarily overwhelmed by the thought -- no, the feeling -- that he should back down. Homura definitely didn't seem up to talking.
But then again, that was his fault. Goku steeled his resolve, reminding himself that if Homura had really wanted to avoid things getting messy he shouldn't have left as he had. It was his own fault for doing exactly what he berated Goku for-- acting without thinking. Goku was sick of his evasive attitude.
"Then tell me what you can," he said impatiently, crossing his arms over his chest. He refused to budge until he got what he wanted.
Sighing, Homura ran a hand through his hair, his chains clinking together softly. There was an elongated pause, another sigh, and then he quietly began to speak.
------
When he reached up to rub his temple Homura vaguely noted that the vein there was throbbing. It took him a few moments to make that connection with his headache. It was growing worse, partially because he'd been talking so long and partially because the air had grown even tenser during his tale. Goku had finally given up on trying to stand still; he was still pacing now.
Homura wanted so badly to lie down. If only they could have tried resolving things tomorrow, or at least after he'd gotten a few hours of sleep. His thoughts were beginning to become muddled. Someone was speaking, and it took him too long to realize it was Goku's voice.
He was clearly exhausted. But as much as he wanted to just collapse right there, he didn't have the strength to tell Goku to leave him alone. He knew he was making things worse for himself by not doing so, but common sense wasn't exactly the first or foremost thing on his mind at the moment.
He had told Goku the basics of his and Rinrei's past relationships, hoping it would satisfy the boy's curiosity and soothe his nerves. To his surprise and dismay, it only did the former. Goku seemed even twitchier than he had before Homura had said anything.
The bed felt so inviting under his hands. Homura had the childish urge to just crawl under the blankets, shoes and all, and curl up under the covers for a few hours. Maybe even a few days. Tracing the pads of his fingers over the sheets, he finally broke the silence.
"What is it?"
Goku finally stopped pacing, whirling to give him an angry glare. It wasn't fierce, but he was clearly unhappy. "That's stupid."
The blunt comment seemed to pull a trigger in Homura's thoughts. He blinked, some of the confusion rapidly dissipating. "Excuse me?"
"I said it's stupid," the boy snapped.
His words were a virus, sparking the annoyance that had been buried under Homura's numbness for so long. A small frown touched his lips; he knew he was more in control of his expressions than Goku was, even when tired. "Why is it stupid?"
Goku spread his arms wide, his eyebrows drawn down. "Five hundred years," he said. "Five hundred. That's as long as I was in the cave, Homura!"
"Ironic, isn't it?" he bit back, the barest tinge of sarcasm in his words.
Either Goku didn't hear him or he ignored the remark. It was likely the first. "I can't believe you've been hung up on a girl for five hundred years," he said, sounding disgusted. "A dead one! That's pathetic!"
He was toeing a dangerous line. Homura shifted a bit, resisting the urge to snap back at the boy for putting down Rinrei in any shape or form. Goku was a teenager; teenagers were prone to saying things without thinking, from Homura's experience. Even adults did it. It seemed to be another bad habit of Zenon's that the boy had been unfortunate enough to pick up.
"I'm sorry you feel that way," he said flatly. Normally using that tone would make Goku flinch, or at least turn his head, but he did neither of those things. Homura wondered if the boy was growing immune to some of his subtle warnings.
"I'm sorry I feel that way, too," Goku returned, his voice clipped. "Gods, I didn't think you were the type to fall in love so easily."
So easily... He hadn't thought of it as easy. True, on the flipside it hadn't really been difficult. Rinrei had been a sweet girl, especially by Heaven's standards. There had been -- and still were -- very few gods who weren't prejudiced by nature. Most of them had looked down on Homura with contempt; he was only half-blood, was filthy in his human/god crossbreed. How was his existence any better than a child borne of a demon and human? The two could not mix; they were not interchangeable. That was why it had been forbidden.
However, Rinrei had looked past that. Homura had been so surprised to hear her apologize to him. It had never happened before; not in his whole miserable life, and Homura had lived quite a while. The day he had been released from his prison -- not in the way he had released Goku from his prison -- he had also discovered that his life had been extended far past anyone's expectations. The very first question he had heard had been, "How long do you intend to live?"
Rinrei had know he would die prematurely. She had known he was a heresy; talking to him was bad enough, but loving him was forbidden. He had loved her immensely, deeply-- how could he not have? How could he refuse the affections of the first person to have ever shown him any sort of care? Homura had never even seen his own mother to his knowledge; he didn't know if he had ever received her love.
But Rinrei... loving her had been one of the hardest things Homura had ever done. It wasn't easy caring for someone you knew you couldn't fool yourself into being with forever. Even as she had vowed to die with him, even when he had gently brushed his fingers across her cheek, promising that he would never die, Homura had known it was impossible. That was what had made their love so hard to endure.
But they had endured it, even if it had only lasted a few days. Or so Homura thought; time seemed to have little meaning in the heavens. How could holding on to a forbidden, doomed love possibly be easy, as Goku had just said it was?
Homura shook his head as though the motion would shake off his thoughts and sudden sense of dread. This argument wasn't going to lighten anytime soon. "You wouldn't understand."
That triggered the explosion.
"I wouldn't understand?" Goku snarled. The ferocity of his tone ripped at Homura's eardrums. Normally the boy sounded so lighthearted; to suddenly hear such a level of sheer anger was almost literally painful. "What the hell do you mean that I wouldn't understand?!"
"You haven't been in love, so you wouldn't know," Homura said. His voice was barely level; he could practically feel the teetering in his words. If he wasn't careful he was going to say something he would regret later.
Or perhaps he just had.
At his words Goku paled, his features twisting from lividness to shock in a split second. Then, slowly, he began to redden, his fingers twitching into tightly balled fists. "You..." He seemed to flounder a moment. His voice abruptly rose as though his feet had suddenly discovered a strong foundation. "How do you know? Just because I never liked a girl means I've never been in love? Is that it?!"
"That's not what I said," the man said quietly.
"Then what did you say? Because that's what it sounded like to me!" Goku pressed forward, making the distance between them uncomfortably meager. Homura fought not to cringe and back away; the last impression he wanted to give was that he was backing down. He had done enough of that lately. "How do you know I'm not in love with you? How the hell do you know?!"
Through his teeth, Homura said, "I know, because you cannot be."
"Why not?"
"Because, Son Goku," Homura began, rising to his aching feet again. His movement forced the boy to take a step back. "It is hard to be in love with someone when your heart already belongs to somebody else."
The boy practically shrieked in frustration. "Who else could I possibly care for as much?! Damn you, Homura, start making some sense for once!"
"Konzen." The name made Goku's eyes widen; his pupils abruptly contracted, as though they were sinking into his golden irises. He seemed dumbfounded, but not angry. Not angry, Homura knew, because it was true. Feeling his hostility seep out as rapidly as it had filled him, Homura said in a drained voice, "You care for Konzen as much."
And that, he decided, was why whatever Goku wanted from him couldn't possibly last. Whatever feelings the boy held for him, they were nothing in comparison for what he held for Konzen. Homura had seen how the boy had clung to the man back in the heavens. Though the two rarely physically touched, the attachment was still blatant. Almost always it would be Goku who grabbed his master, sometimes by the hand or pants, most often by his sun-gold hair. Whatever was within his small reach, he would seize and hold fast.
True, Goku didn't remember Konzen, but that sort of affection couldn't be forgotten about entirely. Homura was positive a buried part of the boy recognized Genjo Sanzo as the Konzen Douji from his forgotten years. While Konzen and Sanzo were not one in the same, they were still the same soul. No matter which form that soul took on, it would always shine brightly enough to be Goku's Sun.
That was why there was no possible way Goku could be in love with him. Yet Homura didn't dare tell him of his past. There was a chance Goku wouldn't believe him -- especially in his current state of mind -- and even if he did, the heavens were determined to make sure the heretic stayed oblivious to his past. He was only safe from their punishment at the moment because he knew not of the carnage and chaos he had caused so many centuries ago.
And because Homura had pulled a few strings.
At last Goku seemed to get his vocal cords to work. "I don't believe you," he whispered. "I can't... believe..."
"Am I wrong?" Homura asked, sitting back down. He rested his elbows on his knees, tangling his fingers in his hair. Maybe if his head would stop pounding so hard he would have been able to think straight. All he could to was speak. "You followed him all that way, miles to the west, just to speak to him." He found himself smiling bitterly. "When you fought with him, you protected him."
"What does that prove?" Goku asked, his pitch growing dangerously high even for him. "You're the one who sent those gods after us! We had to team up so we could beat them-- and you know you would have done the same thing!"
"Perhaps," Homura agreed, rubbing the heels of his hands against his eyes. "But what you don't understand is that you have been this way since before your imprisonment."
He shouldn't have said that. He knew Goku was only going to have a load of questions, knew that he didn't want to put up with them, but he was beginning to feel lost. He just wanted the boy to leave.
"What... is Konzen a god?" Goku was asking tentatively. "He... he doesn't seem familiar with the name we call him. Did I know him before I was locked up? Really?"
He had so many questions. The boy was asking so much of him, and Homura couldn't even think in a straight line long enough to ask questions of himself. Under many other circumstances he would have gladly explained, would have given the boy his life story. In fact, Homura was willing to do just that if Goku inquired-- later.
Not now. He couldn't answer anything now. Homura knew he was on the verge of snapping. He also understood that if he didn't get the boy out of the room soon he knew he would end up taking everything out on him. While that might relieve him of some stress while he did it, Homura had barely enough sense left to know that he would regret that more than anything.
"Leave."
His abrupt order silenced the questions. Without looking Homura could picture the boy staring at him, a battle of emotions warring behind his eyes. Golden eyes. Eyes of heresy.
Gods, he was so tired.
"But Homura--"
"I am not in the mood to put up with a child," he ground out, clenching his eyes shut tightly. Attempting to shove his conscience aside, he continued in an even harsher tone, "Leave, or I will make you. I do not think you will find it pleasant to fall from a window this high up."
There was a rebellious silence; for a moment Homura thought the boy was going to hit him again. He didn't think he had the energy left to block if it came to that. After a few moments he finally heard a rough, frustrated curse fall from the boy's lips. It was strong enough to make him wince, and he did so again when the bedroom door slammed shut.
Once he was certain the footsteps had receded down the stairs Homura collapsed to the mattress. He turned over on his stomach pressing his face into the sheets. That didn't help, as Goku's scent was still there. It seemed as though the boy had slept there despite Homura's absence... almost as though he had been hoping the man would return in his slumber.
Homura felt queasy. A bitter taste stung his throat and for a second he thought he would actually be sick. Then the nausea faded, though it didn't disappear altogether and the sour taste was still there.
"Gods," he whispered hoarsely, clenching his eyes shut. He subconsciously clutched at the covers beneath him, twisting them in his strong fingers. "Gods," he repeated, his voice gritty. "I hate the gods..."
------
It was admittedly a surprise to see the man there. His face as neutral as ever, Shien walked toward him. He moved quietly, but around this man he took deliberate steps to make sure his presence was audible. Sometimes surprise wasn't the best tactic.
He stood just two paces behind the man, turning his face toward the doorway. His eyes opened just enough for him to take in the sight before them; many demon-turned-gods were crowded in the room, all practically lifeless, many sitting there and staring ahead with dead eyes. Though he didn't want to admit it, those eyes sent chills down Shien's spine.
That was because their blank stares reminded him of Nataku.
"I thought they'd freak you out," his companion remarked off-handedly.
Shien glanced briefly at him before turning his attention back to the demon-turned-gods. "And I thought their very sight would anger you," he returned with his own brand of humor.
He heard Zenon inhale audibly; that and the combination of his unique cigarette brand were clear signs the man was smoking. "They do," he heard Zenon say. "They piss me off like hell."
"One would think you wouldn't want to see them, if that was the case," Shien murmured, the barest hints of a smile curving his lips. This time there was no humor of any sort in his voice.
He sensed rather than saw his comrade shrug. "They're a reminder, I guess," the man said gruffly. "Makes me even more determined to go through with it all, y'know?"
"I suppose," Shien agreed. He had his own concerns involving the creation of the new world, but each time he thought of them he reminded himself of his vow. Homura had offered them a chance to rebel against the heavens, to start anew in a world where all their troubles would be erased. Some problems could only be wiped away before the healing could begin.
Many of Shien's issues were like that. He constantly berated himself for failing Nataku in this world, and so he had made a second promise once he had decided to follow Homura. Not only would be remain loyal to his leader, but he would atone for all his sins in this new world. He was well aware that Homura was creating this world in the name of his deceased love. In a similar way, Shien was contributing to the cause in the name of the one person he could not protect. He would do better in this world. They would all do better.
That is, unless Goku continued to hinder them.
That was his true concern with the boy. Goku didn't understand Homura or his intentions, and thus he shouldn't be following him as devotedly as he claimed to. Shien had the feeling that if they had instead left the boy in Mount Gogyo someone else would have set him free-- likely Konzen, since their fates seemed tied together. Then the boy would have been loose when they needed him to be, and Goku wouldn't have been making Homura as miserable as he was.
Of course, Homura had his share of the blame as well. Shien couldn't say the man hadn't brought it upon himself.
As though reading his thoughts, Zenon grumbled, "I think we ought to make this world our new world's Hell."
Appreciating the wry humor, Shien smiled.
