Be like that

I don't own Buffy the vampire slayer.

Spoilers: This is AU so none.

Warnings: some mild adult themes.


The part of me that loves her without limit tells me to sit back, shut up and thank whatever god is listening that she sleeps in my bed at night, that she cooks for me, that she raises my kids. I wish I could add that she makes love to me but nowadays I'm not so sure I even enter her head at all. There is another, very small part that screams at me for being such a fool. She's called his name before, in the throws of passion you find that the brain and the mouth are very rarely connected. I pretended not to notice but deep down I know she's aware of my hurt, my suspicion. The disgusted way she looks at me when she realizes she's hurt me with her words or her actions makes me want to break down and cry but instead I just turn away and go back to my strange surreal life. It's an odd feeling to be in a marriage and realize that maybe you're the wrong other half.

Any idiot can see the subtext in the way they act together. Sneaked glances, supposedly innocent touches, extended eye contact, all signs of an underlying attraction, a want.

For the first few years we were happy. After we got married we moved here, to a New York suburb. White picket fence, a few shrubs, all the trimmings. Annie was born a year later and everything was perfect. We had family and a good set of friends, including all of her old high school friends. They still hang around, not many others do any more. Once we began to fall apart the others started to fade away. Their visits reduced to once a month, once every 6 months, a year, then they just stopped coming. It was sad to know our unhappiness was driving away the people we called friends, the only people our superficial façade was fooling was our kids and that wouldn't last long.


I remember the day she saw him again, for the first time in 10 years. We all went to a club for the evening.

The place was new, highly decorated with chrome and neon lights. It sounds far gaudier than it was, for the type of decoration it has it's surprisingly understated. We found a table and Xander and I went off to the bar to get us some drinks. Xander was a nice enough guy, kinda goofy, not always the sharpest pencil in the box but he cared about his friends and I respected him for that. When we headed back to the table I saw her hugging some guy. His hair was a dull blonde, roots growing out to red. Willow was holding him tightly, tears tracking down her cheeks.

Xander froze still clutching the drinks. "Oh my god" he said.

After another moment my wife pulled back, wiping her eyes and looking this new guy over. I stepped forward and placed the glasses down and Xander did the same. He clamped his hand down on the other guy's shoulder and the blonde turned.

"Oz man" Xander announced.

Oz, as I now knew him, smiled crookedly and reached out to shake Xander's hand. The brunette went to accept the shake then pulled the other guy into a hug. The blonde chuckled and patted his friend's back. "Good to see you too Xand"

"I can't believe you're here" Willow whispered as Xander pulled back, still in some shock apparently.

I shifted uncomfortably from one foot to the other and she seemed to finally notice me.

"Oh," She looked at me guilty, her beautiful blue eyes shining with tears and a hint of hesitation. "Oz, this is Andrew" (authors note: I know what you're all thinking but no. The name just sounds right) she hesitated again and my heart wrenched. "My husband" She couldn't look at Oz as she said it and Xander looked at his feet awkwardly. "Andrew, Oz. We're . . . old friends" Oz's expression barely changed but I saw his eyes flash feral, almost animal. I stepped forward and extended my hand good-naturedly. The guy returned the shake just as pleasantly then silence fell over us.

Not comfortable in the silence Xander hopped up to sit on a stool at the table and began. "So . . ."

I perched on another of the stools. Oz moved toward the other, then noticing it was the only one left he moved to the side and indicated that Willow should take it. I kicked myself mentally and began to stand.

"I'm good" He said moving towards another table and talking quickly to its occupants before picking up the empty seat and carrying it over. "You guys don't mind?"

"NO!" Willow said a little too eagerly. "Of course not."

The blonde sat down and leant on the small round table. "So, how are Buffy and Giles?"

Willow nodded, shifting under his intense stare. I suspect she had seen the change in his eyes too. "They're good. Giles is back in England with the council. He's all in charge now, Mr. Boss man." Oz's eyes widened slightly and she went on. "And Buffy is back at our house." The hesitation was there again. "Babysitting."

Oz flexed his fingers and tried to look unaffected. "And you guys are . . . good?"

Willow nodded a little sadly. "Yeah. Good."

After a moment Xander cleared his throat. "So Oz, what have you been up to? Last time we saw you, you were hightailing it out of the 'Dale after that whole Ta . . ." at their sharp looks he stopped, finishing weakly. "Where've you been?"

Oz shrugged. "I went back to Tibet to help with the monastery, did a little teaching. Then I just picked up and traveled around wherever I could get to."

Willow smiled lightly. "The van's lasted you all this time?"

Oz looked down as if the question had hurt him. "Nah. It died a truly spectacular death when I reached New Mexico. Which reminds me," He reached into his pocket and pulled out a small shape wrapped in tissue paper, then handed it to Willow.

She looked at him quizzically then took the parcel and began to unwrap it. Her eyes filled with tears when she saw the little pez witch stuck out of the hole she had made.

"I found it when I cleared the van out. I just wanted you to have it."

Willow dropped the tissue paper on the table and turned the candy dispenser over in her hands. "Thank you. I looked everywhere for it when you left, I guess she missed you too much the first time."

Oz opened his mouth to speak when someone spoke into the microphone on stage. "Our live band will begin in just a few minutes. Ladies and Gentlemen I want to welcome back 'dingoes ate my baby'!"

The crowd cheered and Oz stood up. "I'd better go before Devon has a heart attack."

Willow stood up too. "I didn't know you guys were back together."

Oz shook his head. "You didn't ask." He lifted a hand at me and Xander then turned and headed for the stage. I watched the pain on Willow's face and knew there was something far more than an old friendship between her and this new guy. As soon as the first live song began her tears fell and she turned away and walked quickly to the bathroom. I watched the guitarist follow her retreat with his eyes as the stage lights made his pupils reflect. The chorus of "She knows" rang through the club as she fled.

So that was how it started. We never argued about it, not really. I asked her that night once Annie was in bed and Buffy had gone home but she just shook her head and told me it wasn't important. We didn't see him again for a few weeks but I knew he would be back. Three weeks later I arrived home from work to find them in the kitchen. Willow stood in front of the cooker, Oz stood just behind her, their hands both clutching the wooden spoon in the large pot of curry. She heard me come in and moved away quickly saying something about telling Annie to wash up. My eyes locked with his and reluctantly I left.

It took me a while but eventually I managed to get the story out of Xander. He told me how they had been high school sweethearts. It was a complicated relationship. He told me about 'the fluke' as they had later named it, their reunion and then the other girl. I had the distinct feeling that he was still holding back details but I wasn't one to push, knowing some story was better than none. It wasn't until I asked about Oz's eyes that I was certain there was something more to him than any of them were letting on.

Xander let his gaze slip. "I don't know what you're talking about." He said unconvincingly.

I sat down again and leant my elbows on my knees. "Tell me Xander."

The brunette sighed. "Ok. You know all about the nasties we deal with right?"

"The vampires?" I asked. "He's a vampire?"

Xander shook his head. "No, wrong girl." I let the comment go as he continued. "He's a werewolf."

I blanched. "A . . . a werewolf?"

Xander nodded. "The other girl, she was a werewolf too. Oz left to protect Willow, broke her heart in the process. When he came back with some control she had moved on." He paused. "Of course it wasn't until he left again that she realized she was just having a knee jerk reaction."

I looked at him puzzled.

"She was still hurt so she sent him away when she didn't really want him to go."

I nodded. "So she still loves him"

Xander's eyes widened. "No. no, she loves you."

I stood up and moved toward the door of Xander's apartment.

"Andy" He called helplessly.

I turned back to him, my hand on the doorknob. "Oh, yeah. No, I know." I smiled and he seemed a little more encouraged that I believed it. "See you later."

I still didn't say anything. Somehow knowing what this guy really was gave me a sense of false comfort. Like, eventually Willow would realize that there was no way she could love him, he was a monster.

I came home early one afternoon, hoping to surprise her and take her and Annie out to the movies and the local pizza place.

I dropped my keys into the bowl on the side table and left my briefcase in the hall as I called out for her. I came up the stairs slowly, hearing movement in our bedroom. She stepped out a second later running her fingers through her messy hair. She tightened the tie on her silk bathrobe and smiled at me.

"You're early today." I noticed how she made sure the door shut properly.

I nodded. "How come you aren't dressed?"

She looked down at herself. "I was feeling queasy so I took a nap."

I leaned in to kiss her and she turned her cheek to me. Pulling back I tried to smile. "You wanna all go out to the movies, get some pizza?"

She nodded. "Sure. Uh, can you go and get Annie from Mrs. Peters? She went over to play with Grace when I wasn't well."

"Sure." I sighed lightly and began down the stairs.

I ignored it, sure that she would wake up and realize I was the one she really wanted but some part of my brain knew I was kidding myself. I just love her so much. I guess it's the one thing Oz and I have in common, neither one of us is willing to let her go even though we know we should be the bigger man, the responsible one. We both have too much to lose.

Two months later she announced she was pregnant. I was so happy I didn't question. I told myself that the tears I heard her crying late at night were tears of joy. It scares me to think how blind I was, how I didn't want to think things were getting further out of hand than I realized.

She had Jenny at 8 months. Even a month premature she was perfectly healthy, perfect in every way.

I stood at Willow's bed side, Annie in my arms, beaming like the proud father. Willow glanced up at the window and I saw her cheeks pale, her eyes cloud. He stood there on the other side of the glass just watching. His jaw was set and his eyes looked cold for the first time since I had met him. A second longer and he moved away. Willow exhaled and turned to put the baby down.

"I'm going to get some rest" She said moving a stray lock of hair from Annie's face.

I nodded. "Ok," I kissed her on the forehead and held Annie to do the same. "We'll go home and have some dinner."

As I left she lay down and curled up just staring into the plastic crib.

He disappeared again for 2 months after that day in the hospital and I hoped he had taken it upon himself to fix our situation. He seemed to like traveling and up until then he hadn't been gone for more than a few days.

As much as I wanted to deny it, as Jenny reached those two months I could see the difference between her and her sister. Annie's hair was dark brown – much like my own - with the slightest hint of red whereas Jenny's was a vibrant red, if not a little ginger. My eldest daughter's features were pronounced, her nose was quite wide and her chin was more rounded. My youngest had a very defined facial structure. Small nose, slightly square, pointed chin. From that I could perhaps argue that Jenny got more of her features from her mother, Annie more from my side of the family. One thing I couldn't overlook was Jenny's eyes. They were a wonderful, sparkling shade of green. My eyes were hazel and Willow's were blue. "Ok," I would think to myself. "Weird genetics. Not a big deal." But if you looked at her at a certain angle or if she was mad or scared they would flash yellow. Silver flecks around the edges made them shine in bright light almost like cat's eyes, or a wolf's.

Willow was constantly looking over her shoulder as if she were expecting someone but of course, she was. She would smile and carry on with life but I could see the sadness in her eyes deepening from their separation. The first work party we attended after Jenny was born was filled with congratulations and my boss made a speech to congratulate us. Willow shifted uncomfortably under my co-workers stares and I was reminded of the way Oz had looked at her so intensely on that first night. I knew she hated to be in the spotlight, the center of attention but he was just one person. One person who had somehow managed to split us apart.

I remember I was working in our backyard the Sunday he returned.

I cut the lawnmowers engine and wiped my forehead with the back of my hand. The sun beat down hard. I walked in the back door and headed for the kitchen. As I walked past the nursery I stopped, a figure catching my eye. I stood in the doorway watching as he leant down on the side of the crib and Jenny reached out and grabbed his finger in her fist.

"What are you doing here?" I asked.

He jumped and turned quickly to face me.

I heard a voice from behind me. "He just came to let us know he was back and he had a new place." She bustled past me and grabbed his arm, leading him out of the room. I followed them toward the front door. "I don't much care if he's living in a box. What is he doing in the nursery alone with our baby?"

I hated the knowledge that that question was a lie. Jenny wasn't my daughter, she was his.

Willow pulled the door open then turned to him. "I'll talk to you later."

Oz looked as though he were going to argue but one look at her resolve face and he changed his mind. "Yeah" He kissed her cheek as he passed her in the doorway and walked down the front path.

Willow shut the door and whirled on me. "Don't talk to him like that." Her voice was supposed to sound threatening but it just sounded weak, confused and strained. She closed her eyes a moment then walked back toward the kitchen.

I followed her, a few paces behind. "Are you sleeping with him?"

She had picked up the knife she had been cutting up the vegetables for roasting with. She paused and let it rest on the counter again then flattened her palms against the countertop. "No"

"Wanna look at me when you say that?"

She turned around slowly. "I'm not" After a moment of silence she went back to preparing dinner.

As far as I'm concerned it would have been less painful and less obvious if she had just said yes. The baby began to cry but I just couldn't go to it. I couldn't stand to hold her or comfort her. It sounds awful and I know that none of this was Jenny's fault but she symbolized everything I was trying so desperately to deny. Then Willow huffed and stormed out of the kitchen toward the nursery.

Over the next few weeks I often heard her crying in the nursery, his daughter cradled in her arms. I would hear half of a phone conversation or her teary voice talking in hushed tones to Buffy or Xander before she broke down. Apart from that she seemed normal and I never found him in the house again. I walked in on her on the phone, a few days before thanksgiving.

She was looking down at the phone cord, wrapped around her fingers, sadly. "I just . . . don't think it's a good idea. No. No, please don't think that."

She steadied herself on the kitchen table.

"Maybe. I know. I know you do, so do I."

She turned around and saw me looking at her. Her face paled and I stepped forward knowing all too well who was on the other end of the line.

I took the phone from her hand and raised it to my ear. "Be here at 7" Without waiting for a reply I placed it back in its cradle. Willow stared down at her shoes and I waited a second before turning and going up the stairs.

Preparations for the holiday continued without any major hitch. I went along with everyone's fake holiday happy and we've made it to thanksgiving in one piece.

So, I wanted to record this for the future. I don't know why, I guess I just wanted someone I could talk to who wouldn't judge me or think I was stupid. Which you can't do because you're a book. The way I figure it the big showdown is still to come.

The doorbell just rang and now she's calling for me so I'd better go. I feel like an idiot talking – or writing I guess – to a book but . . . thanks for listening. Stay tuned for the final installment.

Andrew

X


Andrew straightened his shirt and started down the stairs. His parents stood just inside the doorway and Willow was helping Annie to take their coats, Jenny in her other arm. Xander strode down the hall towards them, Buffy on his heels. He took most of the weight from the coats and Willow smiled at him as he and Annie carried them into the nursery out of the way.

Andrew's mother gave Willow a careful hug and smoothed the baby's hair. "How's my youngest granddaughter?"

Willow stiffened a little but the old woman didn't notice. Her father-in-law did much the same and Buffy escorted them through into the living room. Andrew came down the last few steps and walked past his wife without a word.

Willow sighed as the doorbell rang again. She reached out and pulled the door open. Her parents stood on the doorstep and immediately her mother began fussing over the baby in her daughters arms.

Ira Rosenberg followed his wife through the door and kissed his daughter on the cheek.

"Where's your daddy?" Sheila cooed at the small child.

"Hey"

Willow lifted her head quickly and her eyes met Oz's. "Hi"

Sheila lifted the baby from Willow's arms and looked as if she were about to say something when her husband patted the boy on the shoulder. "Oz."

Oz nodded. "Mr. Rosenberg."

Ira pushed his wife on a little and she gave the baby back to Willow as she quietly began to protest. The living room door shut again and they were alone in the hall.

Willow took hold of the door handle with her free hand. "Do you want to come in?"

Oz pulled his hands out of his pockets and shook his head. "No."

Willow's mouth opened but refused to form words.

Oz took a step forward so he was close to her. His eyes were glistening with tears. "I just wanted to hold her."

Willow's eyes were stinging with tears as she passed Jenny to her father. He cradled her in his arms carefully and Willow heard him breathing hard, his breath full of tears. "Be good" he whispered. The baby reached out and placed her hand against his chest. "Have a good life. Just don't let your uncle Xander teach you anything."

Willow laughed through her quiet tears.

Oz let Jenny take hold of his finger and he shook it slightly eliciting a giggle from the girl. "Don't ever think I didn't love you." He lifted his head and stared straight into Willow's eyes. "That goes for you too."

She stared at him as her tears fell down her pale cheeks. Oz shifted the baby to one arm and pulled Willow into a hug. She buried her face in his shoulder and gripped the back of his coat tightly. He pulled away slightly and cupped her chin in his free hand. She leaned in and caught his lips in a soft kiss. She wanted it to last forever but knew he would be pulling away any second. His lips were soft and he tasted chilled from the cool night air.

Oz broke the kiss but kept his face close to Willow's. He ran his thumb up and down her cheek, his eyes closed. Slowly he opened them and took one more glance at his daughter as he passed her back to Willow. The redhead positioned the child on her hip and Oz took a few steps back off of the porch. She caught his hand but it slipped through her fingers.

"You don't have to . . ."

"Yes, I do." He interrupted. "You know I do."

Her gaze flitted around the porch finally settling on him. "Does it help any if I say I don't want you to?"

Oz fingered the bracelet on his wrist. "I wish it did."

White flakes began to fall all around him as he stood on the front path.

Oz looked up at the sky and a half smile lifted his tear stained cheeks. "Happy thanksgiving Will"

He turned slowly and Willow watched him go. He didn't look back until he was past the gate. She continued staring at him, her hand gripping the door handle tightly. Oz saw her distorted shape through the snow and felt it melting on his cheeks where the flakes met his tears. He raised a hand in a wave and she finally moved to wave back. He turned left along the sidewalk and disappeared behind the wall of the house next door.

Willow's world was moving so slowly. She stepped back and shut the front door. The baby in her arms made a sad gurgling noise in her throat before she began to cry. Willow leant back against the wall, making what she hoped were comforting shushing noises. After a moment they became sobs and she hugged the little girl close.


Willow pushed the living room door open and walked in silently. The others had been laughing and talking, they were suddenly silenced. She walked to the playpen and placed the sniffling child inside keeping her red, puffy eyes from her family. She crouched down and spoke softly to Jenny.

The two sets of parents exchanged worried glances with Andrew and he dropped his eyes to the floor. Xander walked towards his friend and crouched by her side. Annie ran forward and threw her arms around her mother's neck. Willow pulled her eldest daughter close and stroked her pretty dark hair. Xander wrapped his arm around her shoulders and she stood up, placing the girl down on the floor.

She brushed a strand of hair from her eyes. "I'm sorry," she began. "I'm not feeling well; would you excuse me for a while?"

The tension was painfully obvious and hung thickly in the air. It was suffocating. Willow moved toward the door and jogged quickly up the stairs. She darted into the bathroom, slid the lock across and sank down onto the floor.

Andrew tied the trash bag up tight and pushed his way out of the back door. The family left almost a half hour ago and Willow had never come back down. Buffy and Xander had trooped up to try and get her to come down for dinner but she had refused. He sighed and rubbed his right temple to try and quell the headache that was forming. As he turned back toward the house he noticed someone sitting on the back steps, underneath the bathroom window. He recognized the figure.

Andrew moved toward him and folded his arms, hardly able to believe he would turn up again.

"Do you always turn up on other people's property in the middle of the night?"

The guy looked up at him and Andrew knew he was taking the fall for the sake of his marriage. He pressed his back to the wall and slid down to sit next to Oz on the pavement.

"Thank you."

Oz chuckled bitterly. "Don't thank me. Believe me, I've thought up some terrible things to do to you."

Andrew lifted his hands. "Well, then thank you for not acting upon those thoughts."

Oz nodded. "You know that I will kill you if you ever hurt them."

Andrew smiled. "I'd think less of you if you wouldn't."

"She needs you right now. She needs someone stable, loving, someone who isn't currently me."

"Right now I'd disagree." Andrew said gazing down at his hands. "She hasn't come out since you left."

Oz nodded and glanced up at the window above his head. "I know. I've been listening to her cry."

Andrew followed the other mans gaze to the window. "You've just been sat here? Why didn't you just . . ."

"Because I can't run in and save the day this time. It's your job now." Oz said sadly.

"You're a better man than me."

Oz ran a hand through his hair. "There is no part of me that doesn't want to go up there and tell her to leave you."

"I appreciate your honesty" Andrew said sarcastically.

Oz continued. "But I won't because she has to choose between us. I'm just making it easier." He stood up and took a few steps into the yard.

Slowly he turned back to regard Andrew. "I would kill for your life, you know that?"

Andrew shook his head. "My wife had an affair . . . with you. My daughter isn't my daughter and I'm pretty sure Willow won't ever come out of that bathroom. It doesn't look all that great from where I'm sitting."

"You're wrong. Willow's hurting, she's not the only one, but she's strong and she loves you. Jenny will be your daughter, you're gonna raise her. She won't even remember me."

Andrew rested his head back against the brick wall.

Oz laughed, devoid of any humor. "Willow Rosenberg loves you. You've got nothing to worry about."

Andrew watched as he looked up at the window once more then turned and headed towards an old sedan parked out the front of the house. The car pulled away from the curb and Andrew sighed as he heard another wail from the bathroom above him. He stood up, dusted himself off and went back inside.

Willow wiped her eyes and caught a glimpse of her reflection. Her make up was all over her face and her eyes were swollen and red. She had to all intents and purposes the perfect life. A wonderful husband who loved her, two beautiful daughters, a great family and a pretty suburban house. But she had never been more unhappy. Oz was gone. He had been the one constant thing that plagued her mind whether it had been consciously or unconsciously. Now it was over and she knew he wouldn't come back again.

The brief time they had been together recently had been like waking up from a long inadequate dream. She realized how much she hated her stable, certain life now. The danger of being with Oz was alluring; no matter how much she loved Andrew he just wasn't like that. He was vanilla and Oz was . . . he was . . . Ben and Jerry's. Phish food, her favorite.

She scooped some cold water from the tap and covered her eyes with it hoping to reduce the color and size of her eyes. She just wanted to be in high school again. Back when they were free – relatively speaking – and everything was new and exciting. Nowadays it was just routine, until he showed up.

All she had left now was dreams and fantasies. She remembered telling Jonathon that fantasies were fun, they gave you power, popularity, danger. Sliding the bolt back she slipped into the hallway. She poked her head into Annie's room and whispered to the little girl. She stirred but didn't wake. Willow crept down the stairs and moved quietly toward the nursery. She froze in the doorway and stared at her husband, sat in the rocking chair, watching Jenny snore quietly.

As if sensing her presence he turned to face her. "You left the bathroom. It's a start I guess."

Willow took a few steps toward the crib. "I'm sorry" She mumbled. "I just . . . it's hard to let go of something that was so much to me for so long."

Andrew laughed a little, the sound devoid of all humor. "I'm sorry too."

Willow looked up at him askance.

"For not being him"

She shook her head. "Don't apologize for that. I love you, I do."

"Just not as much as you love him. I get it. You guys had this forever kind of love. I can't say it doesn't hurt but . . . I can't lie to myself anymore. And you shouldn't have to either."

Willow felt tears running down her cheeks again. "What are you saying?"

Andrew looked down at the baby again. "I'm saying that you should go. He wanted you to be happy and that isn't going to happen while you're here with me." He lifted his head and looked straight into her eyes. "Go"

She shifted uncomfortably and glanced at the baby. Andrew nodded and she turned away slowly.

Willow grabbed her car keys from the glass bowl on the hall table and pulled the door open. A cold breeze whipped in and blew her hair back, away from her face. She glanced back at Andrew before walking out, shutting the door behind her.

Oz hurled the glass across the room and it shattered on impact. The pieces of glass showered to the floor and water sprayed everywhere, making line patterns on the white wall. He heard shuffling behind him and turned to find Devon staring back at him through squinted eyes.

"Man, it's like 5:30." He took a look at his friends face and moved to the fridge, pulling out 2 beers. "Didn't go so well, huh?"

Oz grabbed the bottle and dropped down onto a stool at the kitchen counter. "I'm leaving."

Devon choked on his beer and put it down, coughing and spluttering. "What? You're gonna take off again?"

Oz nodded. "I can't stay here. I'll head over to Xander's in the morning; leave a message for her with him."

"Why don't you give it to me yourself?"

Oz whirled on his stool. Willow stood awkwardly in the door, her eyes were puffy and red and her hair was tussled.

Oz stood slowly. "What are you doing here?"

She shrugged, a pained smile on her face. "You're more addictive than drugs, you know that?" she paused. "I can't live without you. It's just too hard."

Oz felt his eyes sting and he tried to blink the tears away. "But Will, your kids, Andrew . . ."

She shook her head. "He let me go. I'll still see Annie, and Jenny. Well, it's hardly fair that she would never know her father."

She moved forward and touched his cheek.

"Are you sure?" He asked.

"No question."

Devon cleared his throat. "Does this mean we get to keep our guitarist?"

The end!

A/N: Please R&R!