Author's Notes: Thanks for all the wonderful reviews along with the comments; replies are at the bottom!

Ironically, I finished this before the second Chapter. I just find it hard, it seems, to portray a happy Athrun and Lacus. The first chapter deals with how they met. Basically, the second chapter was only filler, for fluff. I've always hated summer. Well, not exactly hate; hate is such a strong word… more like, I least like summer amongst the four seasons. Maybe it got in the way of my writing? Probably… Now, we go to the Angst. The last two chapters will chronicle how they fell -out- of love. Let's see…


Chapter Three: Autumn


"The drawn-out sobs of the violins of autumn wound my heart with a monotonous languor."

- Paul Verlaine


-

"I'm going to join ZAFT."

Funny how a few words can cause your world to come crashing down. Five simple words and I know that the time for goodbyes is nearing. But it is something that I cannot deny that I have not foreseen. Ever since the Bloody Valentine incident, I could feel him slowly drawing unto himself and isolating himself from the outside world, pushing everyone away…even me. It reminded me of that time, when we were little kids, when he said goodbye for the first time.

He was preparing to say goodbye once more.

Who can I blame? The Earth Alliance? I have worked hard, convincing people to prevent the inevitable war and then here I go blaming those whom others deemed as the enemy. Sometimes, it seems so easy to let go of one's ideals and just do whatever you please. But I can't.

Even though they are the reason why he is suffering right now. But revenge is not the answer. War, it is a vicious cycle. I want to talk to him, but he won't let me. I want to comfort him, but he won't let me. He is shutting me out. I feel so…useless.

I've always disliked the feeling of helplessness, the feeling wherein, you want so badly to do something, but due to circumstances beyond your grasp, you just -can't-. It is a most wretched emotion. And that is exactly how I felt when I heard that Aunt Lenore was one of the casualties in the nuclear bombing of Junius Seven. What I am also feeling right now, that Athrun refuses to even let me see him.

I remember that day, all so well. War was threatening to start on both sides, but for ordinary civilians like us, it didn't matter. Life went on as usual. Athrun and I had planned to do something special since it was Valentine's Day. I was feeling excited and happy that day. I picked out my best dress. I had spent the entire day preparing for it. And then, a somber voice broke the silence. It came from the television set.

Junius Seven had been bombed by the Earth Alliance.

I felt my knees go weak and I sank on the bed. I stared wide-eyed at the television screen, where it showed how the innocent, agricultural space colony was destroyed. Just a blink of an eye and then –

It was gone.

My mind went blank for a while from the shock, but then it dawned on me. Athrun's mother, Lenore Zala was there for an agricultural research! I remember grabbing the phone from my nightstand and immediately punching in the Zala household's number. I waited for what seemed like forever when their butler answered the phone. I asked for Athrun and he said that Athrun was not home. I grew worried.

I called again and again, asking for him. But he was not home. I went to his house, with my father, to check up on him. What we saw there was a spaced-out Patrick Zala, sitting in his office, a cell phone clutched in his hands. My father immediately went to his friend's side, to console him. Athrun's father was mumbling incoherently and he was near tears. Deciding that it was not in my place to witness Mr. Zala breaking down, I slipped out of the room as quietly as possible.

I met the butler on the way to the sitting room and he told me that Athrun was still not home. I was worried more than ever after seeing Mr. Zala's state. Athrun was very close to his mother. To say that he would be heart-broken was an understatement.

I was walking down the hallway when the front door suddenly opened and a dazed Athrun went inside. He looked at me, his face never giving anything away, but his eyes, his eyes had always been his betrayer. They looked so sad, hurt, angry, shocked. He pushed past me, going up the stairs two at a time and after a few minutes; I heard a door slam shut.

I rushed up to his room and I knocked softly. I wanted to give him some comfort, or just a shoulder to cry on. There was silence for a moment. And then I heard something akin to glass breaking. I knocked again, more forcefully.

"Athrun, it's me, Lacus."

"L-Lacus?" a mere whisper.

"Yes. Please, Athrun, open the door."

Silence. And then I heard muffled cries. "No… Please, just…just leave me alone."

I felt so helpless.

That was a week ago. I had only seen glimpses of Athrun. He never called me or approached me. Not even during the memorial. I tried calling him, talking to him, but then decided that he needed some time alone. To grieve. To mourn.

To instill hatred in his heart again.

I have not heard from him for a week. And now, this.

"I'm going to join ZAFT."

I was not expecting him to visit. I heard that things were not going well between him and his father as Mr. Zala had stopped coming home, preferring to spend his nights on a nearby hotel or in his office. My father told me that Mr. Zala had become a different man, in a span of a week. The change was shocking.

Athrun changed, too. It's amazing how much a person can grow in just a few days. Athrun had an uncanny ability to grow up in just a night; just like that day, before he went to the moon. This is the same, but also different. It was not just a friend who died, no… it was someone more special, someone more close to his heart. I cannot imagine how he must be feeling right now.

I also lost my mother.

But I lost her when I was born, before I even got the chance to know her. You cannot lose what you never had. It is harsh, of course, but it is the truth. The pain was not that great because I never experienced having a mother. Of course, there was a feeling of emptiness. But my father never blamed me. He loved me more, more than I could ever wish for. But we all have different ways of dealing with grief. Mr. Zala, from what I have seen and heard, stays away from Athrun. He never talks to him. Athrun looked too much like Aunt Lenore. Athrun is too busy with his own grief to mind, but he must be wondering, and the time will come, when they will have to face each other and sit down and talk about all that's happened.

I only wish it isn't too late.

Athrun was too busy, to even visit, it would seem. Too busy, to talk to me about what he was feeling. To let me know what he was thinking of. So, I was surprised to see him sitting in the garden. He refused to look me straight in the eye. He asked how I was at first, and then apologized for his behavior. I couldn't feel his apology. It seemed like he was only saying it for the sake of saying it. I ignored it.

And then –

"I'm going to join ZAFT."

Only one word escaped my mouth. "Oh."

What else would I ask him? 'Why?' I knew the reason why. I didn't have to hear him say it. It was for his peace of mind, for revenge, for his mother. But even so, I wanted to stop him. I know that he was doing this to compensate for not being able to save his mother. The feeling of helplessness that he must have felt at that time was something that he did not want to encounter again. I knew it, because as I said, I felt it, too.

Maybe I wouldn't feel so helpless if he would just let me know what he was thinking. Doesn't he trust me enough to be able to tell me his dreams, his fears? I've always thought that love was based on trust. Even friendship was based on trust. Doesn't he consider me as a friend?

Doesn't he love me enough to be able to confide in me?

"I will be leaving for the academy tomorrow."

Crisp and emotionless, his voice was. He would undoubtedly make a great soldier. But his eyes, just like when he was leaving for the moon, told me how sorry he was. He was leaving me again, but this time, it was unclear, uncertain whether he would be coming back or not. Coming back alive, coming back whole, coming back dead or coming back a broken man.

I was crying inside. I didn't want him to go. I was afraid of what would happen to us. But who was I kidding? We were still engaged, but he was pushing me away. A barrier was suddenly formed between us. I looked at my lap and I clenched my fists. I was always calm, always rational. Lacus Clyne does not get angry, she is always so perfect. I raised my eyes to look at his and without warning, my mouth opened, as if on its own accord.

"I don't want you to go."

He stared at me, a little surprised it seemed, but then he shook his head.

"I've made up my mind… I'm sorry if you feel differently about the situation."

"Would anything change if you join ZAFT?" I asked boldly. I knew I was treading on dangerous waters, but still I had to try to make him change his mind. I knew it was futile, as Athrun was as stubborn as his father.

A pause. Then his green eyes blazed.

"It would change everything," he hissed. "I will kill those who killed my mother."

"It will not bring your mother back, Athrun."

"But it will bring -justice-," he said angrily. He stood up to leave. He turned his back on me and began to walk away.

His mother was not the only one who died…Athrun, he died, too.

Frankly, I feel hurt. I love him, with all my heart. But…does he love me? Does he feel the same way? I've always thought that I felt it. Would this event change it? The old Athrun loved me, but he is no more. He died along with his mother. Will I fit in this new Athrun's life? Or am I capable of bringing the old Athrun back?

I stared at his retreating back and then looked up at the setting sun and noted the bright colors that were spread out. Artificial though it may be, the scene was always breathtakingly melancholy. The sky was mostly red. Like autumn, itself.

I remember seeing an autumn scene in a book once. It was so beautiful, in a poignant way. Autumn was the season where everything was dying. The trees were 'killing' themselves to make way for winter, to survive the harsh winter winds, so that they will bloom once more in the spring. Everything was slowly, gradually dying as opposed to winter where everything was -already- dead.

The path that Athrun was taking, would most probably be taking him to his death. Just like the trees during autumn, it was a slow suicide that Athrun was doing to himself. Was there any way that I could help him?

Was there?

"Do you remember, Athrun, when I told you that we experience autumn here in the PLANTs, too?"

He stopped walking and without turning around, said, "Yes."

"Haven't you noticed that autumn is here?"

Is this the end, Athrun? Is this goodbye?

This time, he faced me and for a moment, there, he seemed really sorry for everything. His eyes were so full of emotion; I could almost hear him say it. That he was sorry that he chose this path, but he could no longer go back, or choose another path.

Because for him, he didn't have any other choice.

"Maybe we won't have to wait long for winter, then," he answered quietly. And he was gone. I sat in the garden for a very long time.

Yes, winter was fast approaching. I could feel it. The coldness, the slow, agonizing, numbing death.

I was crying.


-

shizukana kono yoru ni anata wo matteru no

ano toki wasureta hohoemi wo tori ni kite

are kara sukoshi dake jikan ga sugite

omoide ga yasashiku natta ne.

In this quiet night, I'm waiting for you

During that time, your smile has faded away

Now that a little time has passed,

Fond memories start to resurface.

hoshi no furu basho de

anata ga waratte irukoto wo

itsumo negatteta

ima tookutemo

mata aeru yo ne

At the place where stars fall,

I'm always wishing for your laughter.

Even though we're apart now

We can meet again, right?

itsu kara hohoemi wa konna ni hakanakute

hitotsu no machigaide kowarete shimau kara

taisetsuna mono dake wo hikari ni kaete

tooi sora koete yuku tsuyosade

From when has my smile faded this much

Since it was shattered by one mistake

Change only the precious things into light and

Go beyond the sky with fortitude.

hoshi no furu basho e

omoi wo anata ni todoketai

itsumo soba ni iru

sono tsumetasa wo dakishimeru kara

ima toukutemo, kitto aerune

To the place where stars fall,

I want my thoughts to reach you.

I am always by your side

Since I will embrace that coldness.

Even though we're apart now,

We will definitely be back together.

shizuka na yoru ni

In the quiet night...

--

Lyrics for 'Shizukana Yoru Ni' taken from AnimeLyrics (dot) com; consider it disclaimed.


Author's Notes: Sorry, I just couldn't resist -not- putting this song. I think Lacus sang this for Athrun, don't you think so? It's so appropriate! What do you think of this chapter? As always, your opinion is welcome. I'm thinking that I might add an epilogue to this…bringing the total chapters up to five. It's still on the planning stage, though.

We're almost there! The last chapter (Winter) will be done by Athrun. Please let me know what you think! It will help me greatly in my writing and it would also be nice if you could put in a few of your thoughts about their -doomed- relationship. I am actually a fan of the Athrun-Cagalli pairing. I hope I did this fic justice!

My favorite line would have to be, "Maybe we won't have to wait long for winter, then." I think it is something that Athrun would say. He sort of talks in riddles, you know? Like that time with Cagalli, "Even I… have things that I can understand, but can't agree with." He's really my favorite character! So much angst! So much conflict! So… handsome! Ack! I'm starting to sound like a raving fan girl.

Anyway, thanks for reading this! Let me know what you think! Your opinions are highly appreciated. Drop in a review! I'm thanking you in advance!

I wrote this chapter while listening to: Anna Ni Issho Datta No Ni (Instrumental), Shizukana Yoru Ni (the original -slow- version, not the C.E. 73 remix), Kiseki and Omokage (Instrumental, Rey Za Burrel's Piano), and I Wanna Go To A Place… It got me in a kind of 'melancholy' mood. It works!

A HUGE THANKS goes out to the following:

white-rose kiss – First of all, a BIG thank you! Thanks for the nice words. Don't worry, I'll try to make the ending a good one for all of us. Well, I'll -try-.

MyouseiSeed – Ah! It's you! I'm really thankful that you take the time to read and review my fics! Readers like you make writers want to write more! I -have- to make a fic for you… :)

Noink - I think that's what first love is all about. Moving on does not necessarily mean that you forget the person that you loved. They are still there. Well, thanks for sharing your opinion, for reading this and for giving me a nice, long review!

the Black Rose – I feel honored that you reviewed this! I have read most of your Athrun-Lacus fanfics and please permit me to say that they were one of the reasons why I started this. I hope this chapter fits your expectations. I think Cagalli is also the right one for Athrun. It's just that Lacus is a part of his much happier past. It's kind of hard to explain… But I think there are certain qualities of Cagalli that make fit Athrun. Thanks for sharing your opinion and reading this fic!

Demonic Devils – I'm glad that you liked it! I hope that you still like this, despite the angst.

Lethal Dose – Thanks for sharing your opinion! I have enough material now for the next chapter. I was kind of thinking that since this is just a behind the scenes outlook on the AL relationship, it would be quite predictable. I'm really happy that you like this!

Nkitty29 – Thanks for reading and reviewing! Well, it's back to Lacus now. I must say that this is a new writing style for me.

Unmei – Thanks! I'm really flattered. That is also one of the reasons why I wrote this, to try new things, and to improve my skills as a writer. Most writers seem unaware that Athrun was in Copernicus for that reason… Oh well, to each his own as I always say. I take gundamofficial (dot) com seriously… It's one of the best sources there is! Now if they could just put the Destiny timeline ASAP…