Chapter 3 – "To the Penis Mobile! Away!"
"I come baring donuts. Hey guys, G-man, Bleached Blunder! What's happening? Any big nasties on the horizon?"
"Xander, how many times do I have to ask you to not call me by that infernal name? But as to the 'big nasty' situation… There have been reports that Keffler demon is currently residing somewhere in the vicinity of the Hellmouth. Kefflers are quite fascinating really. They…"
"Umm Giles, not meaning to be rude but umm could you kinda hurry it on up? Riley and I have reservations at that swanky new Italian and I am really looking forward to getting a chance to have a normal date that does not include a brief jaunt round the cemetery."
Giles glanced at his Slayer. Once again he was forced to remember that she was unwilling to give up on a normal life, he admired her determination. "Yes, quite. Kefflers are particularly violent. They are very strong and the spikes on their tail are filed with venom that induces full body paralysis. It also says here… wait…hmm that's interesting…"
"What is it Giles?"
"I bet that he's reading about the fact that Keffers have the largest penis of any human-demon hybrid."
The silence that followed that comment was deafening.
"Ok didn't need that visual. Xand, control your girlfriend better! Hey Giles, are these Keffy things about you're height, red-brown, spikes a darker red?"
"Yes Buffy, I believe that that would be a relatively accurate description yes."
"She left out the penis."
"Ahn! Remember, suitable topics of conversation."
"I was just saying that the penis is a defining feature of the demon. It was totally relevant to the situation. It's not like I was talking about you're penis – which is also pleasantly sized."
"AHN!"
"So Shags actually has balls? Well I'll be damned!"
"Shut it Fangless!"
"Hey! Giles that demon is officially dodo-d. Riley and I got it last night. Anything else or can I get going. I need to get showered and changed and I want to look pretty for Riley. Kinda been neglecting him lately and I wanna treat him."
"Ooh will there be naughty outfits involved? Xander likes it when I dress in this little…"
"ANYA! Private issues, private!"
Before anyone could comment further on Anya's taste in topics of conversation the shrill tones of the telephone sounded through the shop. Being the closest, well apart from Anya who was unwilling to abandon her position by the money, Willow answered the phone.
"Hello, Magic Box… Hey Cordelia, how's everything with you guys? … Is that Wesley? ... Tell him that he can't really sing… What? All of us? But what about… Ok, Ok… When? … I'll check…" she turned to the occupants of the shop. "Cordy wants to know whether we can go to L.A. for a few days. Apparently they have something that they really need to tell us."
Buffy felt herself go cold. Something was wrong with Angel. She could feel it. Tuning back into the conversation she heard Willow say, "…they'll put us up, Angel owns a hotel. Everyone is invited – even Spike."
"So, Peaches wants a visit from his favourite grandchilde eh? Think I could spare the time."
"Well, as it seems there are no portents of doom on the horizon I'd say that this is as good a time as any for a sojourn to L.A."
"Buffy?"
"is Angel ok?"
"Cordy sounds happy so I'm going to go with yeah."
"ok we'll go then."
"Don't you need Captain Cardboard's permission?"
"Don't start Spike – I haven't got a good slay in today and I'm feeling antsy."
"What? The soldier not getting the job done? I thought all of him was wooden. Looks like I was mistaken."
"Spike!"
"Umm people? Cordy is still on the phone. What's our verdict?"
Buffy took the phone from Willow's outstretched hand. "Cordelia, we'll be there tomorrow evening. Have you enough room for all of us? … Angel doesn't mind? … Ok, see you then." She put the phone back on its cradle. "Looks like we're off to LA."
By the time Riley's jeep and 'The Penis mobile' (as Giles' car had affectionately been dubbed) pulled up in front of the impressive façade of the Hyperion hotel, Giles was ready to find out how much pain a vampire's body could withstand. It would make an excellent topic for one of his Watcher's abstracts. He also was quite sure that he had found a willing peroxide volunteer. Angel may also have to be involved as a 'Thank You' for presenting this opportunity for some quality time with the undead menace. For the past two and a half hours Spike had chattered non-stop. He'd sung along with the 'music' (although Giles had to admit that the Pink Floyd numbers were quite welcomed), smoked incessantly and bounced around in his seat. Giles was becoming convinced that Spike had some form of attention deficit disorder; he had far too much energy. He actually pitied Angelus and Drusilla for having to cope with the blonde for extended periods of time.
Speaking of Angel, Giles was confused by Spike's reaction to the invite. He'd expected Spike to bluster and swagger about having to go, yet Spike had been the first to agree to go and had wanted to leave since the Magic Box had opened that morning. Spike seemed excited to be going to see the creature he claimed to detest. He was beginning to think that he would never understand vampires. Just when he was convinced that they were irredeemable creatures that needed wiping off the face of the earth he met Angel and then Spike. Now he was just confused. He was, however, sure that had Spike travelled with Buffy and Riley he may have been travelling in a dust buster.
Riley was not happy to have been "summoned" (as he put it) to LA by Buffy's ex. Had Buffy herself not been adamant on coming Riley would not have been here. Giles understood that Riley felt threatened by the knowledge of Buffy's ex and that he naturally hated vampires, but he couldn't help feel that Riley was far too fixated on Angel. His coming may have been a bad idea. Giles was proud of the fact that Angel was mature enough to invite Riley – if all the times he had saved her life weren't, this was proof that the souled vampire did care very deeply for Buffy. He hoped that both of them would behave for her sake and that she had the sense to be mature about the situation and not use one to make the other jealous.
He was quite curious as to what they had been called to LA for. He was ashamed to say that he had been rather amiss as to keeping up to date with these people who had once been friends. He had only really contacted them for help, never realising that they were fighting the exact same battle. He hoped that this weekend would mean a thaw in the relations between the two groups.
Riley was fuming. 'That goddamn son of a bitch! Did he think that if he snapped his fingers Buffy would come running back? Obviously he's got her well trained, because look here she is and she's already panting. Wasn't it bad enough that he was expected to put up with Spike? Now he had another to deal with! How could these people work with such things? Didn't they realise they were just animals?'
He decided that he was going to make it his mission that he would break the spell that these creatures had on Buffy and they would finally be rid of them. Dusting Spike was also part of the plan. He'd just have to remember to hold his tongue around Buffy – he didn't want her getting all stubborn and pigheadedly defend the vamps.
Buffy was worried, she knew that something was wrong, she just couldn't tell what. She was also nervous. She hadn't seen Angel since the Faith debacle and that had been months ago. Their make-up had not exactly been all that warm and heart felt either. 'God, get a grip Summers. It's Angel. Angel who'll always love you, because Angel doesn't change. This time there are no nasty surprises in there. No other women. You are just going to go in their and have fun with Angel, Wesley and Cordelia – Oh God this is going to be hell! At least I have Riley. Riley's here, I have my boyfriend with me and alls well. Right. Pep talk over. Move your ass Summers and get in that building. Oh and remember to ask Angel how the hell he gets such cool apartments!'
The other Scoobies were thinking along the same lines. Dreading the inevitable Angel/Buffy/Riley triangle, getting ready for the vamps to have some sort of smack down, fearing Queen C's sharp tongue and dying of curiosity as to what was going on. However, one thought was much more pressing. "How is it that DeadBoy can get all these cool places?"
"I dunno Xand, Oz said that Angel kinda had a bat-cave type apartment last time. Now he has this beautiful hotel."
"Will, I think I see a pattern here. In Sunnydale he had a bat cave then the Mansion – looks like this is his mansion."
"I'd say that it seems that Angel had lots of money. Do you think that he may be willing to part with some?"
"Umm Anya… I.. I th…think that it m…might be rude to ask for money. Pp..perhaps he'll set up an account at the Magic Box."
"That would be most useful."
"Do you think that Cordelia has changed?"
"She seems to have Xan, but you never know."
"Just remember that I am your girlfriend know Xander Harris and if you try or she tries to get the two of you back together – I'll not be happy."
"I'm not going to try to get Cordelia back Sweetie, I love you. Just promise me that you won't go drooling over DeadBoy like all the women I love do."
"Yes Angel is very pleasing to look at."
'You have no idea pet, not one bloody clue.' Spike turned as he heard Slutty's demand that they move it along inside. As he passed through the doors of the Hyperion he felt as though he had come home.
