Hey Dad...

Chpt. 7: Step 3, Watch out for Crazy Women

"Aw hell..." Han swore. He and Luke stared wide eyed at the Twi'lek woman heading their way. An approaching presence suddenly registered in Luke's mind.

"Aw hell..." The Jedi swore. Han swung over to his brother-in-law.

"What?" Han demanded.

"Mara," Luke answered weakly. The Corellian stared at Luke, then at the fastly approaching saleswoman and back at Luke.

"The Force hates us today," Han finally mumbled. (I can't argue with you there Han.) Luke moaned softly to himself. Jaina hid unsuccessfully behind a rack of pink bras. Anakin and Obi-wan shook their heads quietly.

"This can not go well," Obi-wan mused. "Thank the Force we're dead."

"Master?" Anakin asked. The older Jedi raised an eyebrow.

"What?" he asked.

"Let's just say that if some cosmic event had caused things to turn out differently and I was in Han's place with Leia..."

"Yes?" Obi-wan asked.

"Then I'd have made sure you were in Luke's place," Ani finished evilly. (Leia should thank the Force that this never happened.) Obi-wan glared at him before turning away from his former Padawan.

"Master," Ani said. "You're looking down her shirt again."

"I'M NOT STARING DOWN HER SHIRT!"

"Jedi aren't supposed to lie Master."

"ANAKIN!" Obi-wan bellowed. Anakin snickered as the Jedi Master slowly trailed off when the Twi'lek bent in a polite bow in front of the gaping Han and Luke. The former Sith quirked his mouth wryly as he poked his master.

"Master?" he asked in amusement. Obi-wan suddenly shook himself, even going as far as to smack his head.

"Impure thoughts!" Obi-wan shouted. Anakin couldn't hold it in anymore, he had to sit down from laughing so hard. The Jedi Master glared at him. (This is your own fault Obi-wan.) Obi-wan crossed his arms with a grumble, but found that he couldn't come up with a reply.

As Obi-wan faced the horrible truth that he had, in fact, been staring, our three heroes faced the Twi'lek onslaught head on.

"Good afternoon gentlemen, my name is Vosha Varida, how may I be of service?" the Twi'lek asked cheerfully. Her tightly fitting white blouse didn't leave much to the imagination and her short skirt didn't help matters either. Han glared over at Luke. Close your mouth Kid! he yelled in his mind. Luke gave a shudder and closed his gaping mouth.

It's not my fault! he yelled back in Han's mind. If Han hadn't been in their current situation, he would have laughed at Luke. But since he wasn't...

Han shoved a silent Jaina in front of him as a barrier from Vosha Varida.

"Her! We're here for her!" Han practically yelled.

"I have a name," Jaina grumbled. The Twi'lek bent down again to study the young girl. Luke covered his eyes to block the view. (You should take lessons Obi-wan.) Finally finished with her brief examination, Vosha Varida stood up again.

"Isn't she...a little young to be needing a bra?" she asked hesitantly. Han finally exploded.

"HOW THE HELL SHOULD I KNOW?"

Luckily for our heroes, Luke managed to retain a (tiny) slip of sanity.

"Humans, especially females, reach puberty faster than Twi'leks," Luke explained. The saleswoman stood there for a moment before smiling cheerfully.

"That's right!" she exclaimed. "I forgot all about that! They explained that to us in our training seminar!"

"So," Luke started. "You know which uh...bras Jaina will need?"

"Nope, I just started yesterday! But how hard can it be?" she asked with that same (damnable) cheerfulness. Han, Luke, and Jaina groaned.

Not to be deterred, Old Republic Fashions' s newest employee set boldly out to find a bra for young Jaina Solo.

"How about this one?" she asked cheerfully. The Twi'lek held up a C cup.

"Um..." Han said, "Are you sure you know what you're doing?"

"Of course I do!" Vosha answered huffly. "Now how about this one?" She held up a pink B cup. Han had to force his fingers away from the hidden blaster in his jacket. He didn't think Old Republic Fashions would appreciate him murdering one of their employees.

"Personally I like this one!" she chirped as she held up another lacy C cup. Han's fingers twitched. Maybe they wouldn't miss just one employee.

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

Lando gave a low whistle as Karrde emptied one of the wine bottles.

"She looks like one of Jabba's dancers," he muttered. Karrde peered down the empty wine bottle and shook it for one last drop.

"Think we should feel sorry for Solo?" Karrde asked. They both looked at each other then before laughing.

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

"Skywalker!"

Luke jumped at the sight of the red-haired, green eyed apparition. First the Twi'lek, and now HER!

"Mara," Luke squeaked. The former Emporer's Hand smirked at the red faced Skywalker and Solo. Poor Jaina, she really did feel sorry for the girl. However, it could be worse. She'd had to tell a Sith when her puberty had hit. An anxious Palpatine had rushed her off to a female medic when her time had come. That had been humiliating.

Luke looked around him and saw that he'd been cornered between two racks of underwear. He looked beseechingly at Han, but the Corellian was to busy trying not to kill the saleswoman. The Jedi Master looked back at the red head and knew he was doomed.

Mara looked around her for inspiration. How best to torment Skywalker? Ah, yes.

An evil grin spread across her face as she grabbed a silky, lace trimmed red bra from a rack and held it up to her chest.

"Do you think this is my size Skywalker?" she asked innocently. Luke's eyes seemed to pop out as a farmboy blush suddenly reddened his face.

"No!" he yelled. Mara raised an eyebrow.

"No? You mean I need a bigger size then?"

"No! I mean..." he stammered. Mara narrowed her eyes at him.

"Are you saying I'm small Skywalker?" A strangled sound escaped the Jedi Master's throat.

"NO! NO!"

"No? You like my chest the way it is?" Mara asked slyly.

Luke stared silently as his mouth gaped wordlessly open. Then he croaked a high pitched 'No' as Mara continued ruthlessly onward.

"Is it the color? You know, you're absolutely right Skywalker, how about this white one with the red hearts? It's got a nice lacy thong to go with it..."

Mara Jade smirked evilly as a red faced Luke turned tail and ran in the opposite direction. That had been priceless. This had better be in Karrde's recording. She wanted a copy for herself.

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAAAAAA!"

Tears were rolling down Karrde and Lando's faces.

"Calrissian," Karrde finally gasped after a minute.

"What?" Lando gasped back.

"I'm going to buy those bras and send them to Skywalker!"

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"DAMMIT WOMAN! EVEN I CAN TELL THESE WON'T FIT HER!" Han roared. He threw a red bra back on the shelf. Jaina wished she could crawl into a tiny hole. Vosha Varida huffed angrily as she glared at the irate Corellian.

"I'M THE SALEWOMAN! I DO KNOW WHAT I'M DOING!" she shouted back.

"LIKE HELL YOU DO!"

Jaina slipped between the arguing pair and ran around the corner. Luke bumped into her as he was trying to escape Mara.

"Uncle Luke!" Jaina wailed.

Luke pushed her in front of him for defense just as Mara Jade rounded the corner. (Bad Luke!) Mara stood there and stared at him before shaking her head.

"Skywalker, you and Solo really need to grow up."

Luke sputtered at that before pointing out that he was a Jedi Master. Mara raised an eyebrow at him before pointing to her left. Maybe she should actually help Jaina out a little bit.

"Jaina, go that way." Mara pointed to her left. "The smaller sizes are over there." There, that should do it. Now no one couldn't say that she didn't do her civil duty for the day. Jaina raced off in the direction of Mara's pointing finger.

Luke started to run after her, but Mara stepped in front of him with a smirk.

"I'm not done with you yet Skywalker."

Luke gulped.

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

Obi-wan and Anakin stared at the fuming Han, then at the red faced Luke, and finally at the escaping twelve-year old Jaina.

"Oh dear," Obi-wan muttered.

"They definitely need some female guidance," Anakin finally said. His master folded his arms and raised an eyebrow.

"Perhaps you should bring Padme or your mother here?" he suggested. Ani thought a moment before shaking his head.

"I'll think about it, but I'm not sure how much good it would do. It would be harder to use the Force to let them communicate with Jaina than if it was just us talking to her."

Obi-wan nodded sagely before Anakin poked him again.

"You're staring again Master," Ani whispered.

"I AM NOT STARING YOU INFERNAL PADAWAN!"

Meanwhile:

"Please," the dead woman begged. The equally dead man shook his head no. The dead woman placed her hands on her hips as she glared up at the stubborn Jedi Master. Two other women crossed their arms and also glared at the dead Jedi.

Qui-Gon Jin knew he was outnumbered. Padme, Beru Lars, and Shmi Skywalker continued to glare at him.

"Please," Padme continued. "All I want you to do is make sure that Ani and Obi-wan aren't doing anything stupid."

"And of course, possibly lend a hand to your son, son-in-law, and granddaughter, correct?" he asked dryly. The three women smiled innocently at him and he sighed.

Qui-Gon silently cursed his former Padawans. Leave it to Obi-wan and Anakin to cause him trouble.

"Very well," he reluctantly agreed. "I'll go keep an eye on them."

Uh oh.