Hey Dad...
Chpt. 8: Step 4, Don't Shoot the Help!
Han's fingers itched. Han's fingers itched really really bad.
This was no ordinary itch. No, you see, it was the driving itch to pull out his blaster and murder the crazed, voluptuous blue skinned Twi'lek in front of him.
"This one is simply adorable!" Vosha Varida exclaimed as she pulled out a velvet green bra. Twitch. Han stuck his fist behind his back and willed it not to strangle her.
"I. Don't. Think. That's. Her. Size," Han forced out through gritted teeth. The Twi'lek stared at him and then down at the bra in her hand.
"Oh my!" She cried. "I was looking at this for me!" Han couldn't hold it in anymore.
"I'M SHOPPING FOR MY TWELVE-YEAR OLD DAUGHTER YOU JABBA'S DANCER REJECT!"
"Well I'm sorry...!"
"ISN'T THERE SOME FORM OF SLIGHTLY INTELLIGENT SENTIENT LIFE IN HERE THAT CAN HELP ME?"
"I AM HELPING YOU...YOU...YOU RANCOR'S ASS!"
"WHAT'D THE HELL DID YOU CALL ME?"
"YOU CALLED ME A JABBA'S DANCER REJECT!"
"DO YOU EVEN KNOW WHO JABBA IS YOU BANTHA BRAINED TWIT?"
"Umm, Master, perhaps we should calm them down," Anakin suggested.
"Agreed," Obi-wan said. The two dead Jedi reached out with the Force to touch the minds of the infuriated duo. Being dead actually made it a bit easier to touch their minds. They immediately calmed down. (Mostly.)
Han and the saleswoman each took several ragged breaths as they glared at each other.
"At least they're not trying to murder each other anymore," Obi-wan said.
"You're looking again Master," Anakin said.
"SILENCE!" Obi-wan yelled. The former Sith smirked at his fuming master. This was fun.
Han continued to glare at the saleswoman, but for some reason he felt much calmer. He suspected that the Force was involved, but that wasn't possible. Last time he'd seen Luke, he'd been running away from Mara Jade. Wait a minute. Luke had been...
Where the hell was Luke? He was supposed to be helping him! That damned Jedi was going to catch Hell when he came back. Stupid son of a...
The Corellian suddenly looked around him in a panic as he realized that Jaina was missing as well. Where the hell had that child run off to now?
"JAINA!" Han yelled. He received no answer.
Sithspawn. Now he had to track down TWO run away Jedi.
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Luke didn't dare to glance behind him as he rounded a corner. Left turn, right turn, another left turn, circle around...nope...Mara was still behind him. Damn. As if it would be that easy to escape from a force-sensitive former assassin.
The Jedi Master dashed behind a rack of women's swimming suits and...hey that one's shiny! (Are you usually this easily distracted Luke?)
"Skywalker!"
Luke peeled his eyes away from the shiny blue bikini and raced around the corner...
And somehow ended up in the middle of the lingerie section.
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"Calrissian, this has been a good day," Karrde said.
"Oh yes indeed," Lando agreed. "In fact, as long as you're going to buy those two bras for Luke, I think I'll buy him that shiny blue bikini he seemed to admire so much."
"Skywalker is going to hate us."
"Hate is for the Dark Side, remember?"
The two, still slightly inebriated (drunken) men turned their attention back to the screen. Since Jaina, Han, and Luke had separated, the only way to watch all three of them was to have three separate boxes up on the single screen of the Wild Karrde's bridge.
"Umm, Karrde?" Ghent asked.
"Eh?"
"Bel Iblis is on the com. He wants to know what the hell I'm doing," he said. Karrde and Lando looked at each other for a long moment. Leave it to Bel Iblis to ruin their fun.
"Send him the clip of Skywalker and Mara in the bra section. That should distract him for a little while," Karrde said. "Tell him I won't even charge him for it." Ghent flashed him a look of disbelief before he sent the clip. Thirty seconds later...
"Bel Iblis is laughing his ass off," Ghent said.
"Heh heh, ask him if he can turn his head for a little while longer," Karrde ordered. There was a pause as Ghent spoke into the comlink.
"He said, 'Turn his head from what?', he didn't see anything."
"Good, that's surprising..."
"Provided that he receive a copy of this once we're finished," Ghent finished. Karrde glared at the comlink and then waved Ghent off. If that was the price for not being forced to quit, then so be it.
"Sure, tell him we have a deal," he said. Lando leaned over as Ghent was speaking into the comlink again.
"Han and Luke are going to kill us," he whispered.
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The Jedi Master's eyes widened into giant blue orbs as a farmboy blush warmed both cheeks.
Luke's mouth dropped slightly open as his eyes trailed up the scantily clad figure of a red haired mannequin. With just a little imagination, it looked a lot like Mara.
He raised his palm and gave himself a good whack to the head. He needed to get out of here. Fast.
Luke picked a random direction and fled as fast as he could.
As Luke fled, the invisible forms of Anakin Skywalker and Obi-wan Kenobi looked at each other.
"He's your son," Obi-wan accused.
"You were his first teacher," Anakin shot back.
"He's got the raging hormones of his father," the older man said. Anakin raised an eyebrow. "Maybe not," Obi-wan assented. "That would actually be your daughter." A long silence passed until Anakin finally spoke up.
"Though, that is a lovely...piece of clothing, isn't it Master?" he asked. (Are you thinking about Padme, Ani?) He and Obi-wan tilted their 'heads' as they studied the green, white trimmed lacy, ah...dress. (For lack of a better word. It's actually very skimpy, and, ah, very see through.) The two dead Jedi continued to eye the same mannequin that had drawn Luke's attention until...
WHAM!
Obi-wan and Anakin both yelped as Qui-Gon stuck his head between them. His two former padawans rubbed their heads and cast a glare at him. But before they could begin to yell, Qui-Gon put on his sternest face.
"So THIS is what you two do when I'm not around. Pity, I would have expected better," he said. The two younger men looked abashed, especially Obi-wan. Anakin couldn't resist pointing an accusing finger at his mentor.
"Master Kenobi keeps looking down women's shirts!" he exclaimed.
"ANAKIN!" Obi-wan roared.
"I think Master Kenobi needs a girlfriend Master Jinn," Ani contined relentlessly. "Padme's got several nice, unmarried dead cousins that..."
As a red faced Obi-wan shook his fist at Anakin, Qui-Gon rubbed his forehead.
Force, he pleaded, Give me strength.
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Padme, Beru, and Shmi eyed each other worriedly.
"Do you think they'll be all right?" Shmi asked.
"Who, the dead ones or the living ones?" Padme asked.
"I hope Luke is okay," Beru said. (Nope, sorry Aunt Beru, but Luke is most definitely NOT okay.)
"That boy had better stay out of trouble," Owen Lars growled. (Gah! It's Uncle Owen!)
"I'm sure everything will be okay dear," Beru soothed. (Umm...sure it will...)
The dead group looked at each other worriedly for another moment before Owen exploded.
"THOSE DEAD JEDI HAD BETTER STAY OUT OF TROUBLE! I KNEW I SHOULD HAVE GONE WITH THEM!" (What exactly would YOU do Owen?)
Padme gave a sniff as she took charge. Anakin and Obi-wan had better not screw up, or they'd get an earful when they returned. Poor poor Jaina. How she pitied her only granddaughter.
"Don't worry," Padme said calmly. "If things don't look better, I'll just force Ani to take us there himself!"
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Jaina gulped as she stared at the rack of bras in front of her. She didn't even know where to start. If only her mother or Winter were here. Or even C-3PO. He'd probably have been better help than her dad and uncle.
The twelve-year old began walking along the rack and grabbing bras at random. Between her father's power of luck and her mother's power of the Force, surely she'd grabbed at least ONE that fit her. Right?
Yeah sure, wishful thinking Jaina.
