Hey Dad...

Chpt. 12: Step 8, Scream Really Loud

Han Solo stared around him in indecision. Our favorite Corellian hero knew that he had only three options to choose from. (Actually there were four, but Leia would kill him if he chose that one.)

1. Chase after Luke.
2. Torment Fey'yla.
3. Chase after Jaina.
(4. Run very far away, get very very drunk, and hope that things turned out for the best.)

What did Han choose?

"Here Borskie," Han said with a smirk. He flopped the blonde wig on the Bothan's head and replaced the sunhat. After adding a pair of not-so-sexy pink sunglasses, he stepped back to admire his additions to Mara's handiwork. He had no idea what Mara was talking about. The blonde wig really was his color, not the red.

Han gave the very confused Fey'yla another nod of approval before taking off in a random direction just as an enraged Vosha Varida came storming around the corner with a troupe of angry saleswomen. He had to find Jaina and get out of here. Fast.

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"LUKE! WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU DOING KISSING THAT RED HAIRED DEMON CHILD OF A TUSKAN RAIDER?" Owen Lars bellowed. His dumbstruck nephew gaped wordlessly at him.

"Un..Uncle Owen?" Luke asked in disbelief. The Jedi Master pinched himself on the cheek and blinked, but the ghostly apparition of his dead uncle was still there. But before the sandy haired Jedi Master could ponder the deeper meanings of this paranormal occurrence, something happened that jolted him back to the anxiety ridden planes of physical reality.

"SKYWALKER! I'M GOING TO KILL YOU!"

The red haired demon child of death had arrived.

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"Anakin..." Padme warned. The dead Skywalker looked up at her in alarm. What did he do now?

"Yes dear?" he asked meekly. A now worried Jaina had climbed up on a mannequin and was balancing precariously on it's shoulders as she gazed around for her missing father and uncle.

"JAINA!" Anakin suddenly yelled. "GET DOWN BEFORE YOU BREAK YOUR..."

The girl crashed down off the mannequin and both of her grandparents winced. Her small pile of bras went flying as she rolled into a perfume display. Dozens of perfume bottles crashed down and shattered open around the disorientated twelve-year old. A pungent odor filled the air.

"OWWW!" she yelped. This cry (and the sound of breaking glass) caught the attention of some nearby store clerks.

"Who's there?" someone yelled. Anakin and Padme rushed up to the still dizzy Jaina.

"Jaina! Run!" Anakin yelled.

"But why..."

"Just do it! And grab your...things!" Anakin urged. The twelve year old grabbed her stash of bras and staggered around the corner just as two store clerks came racing around the corner.

"Oh great!" one yelled. "First the lingerie section, and now this!"

"We have to catch these guys!" the other yelled.

Run Jaina.

"Anakin, go find our son and son-in-law," Padme ordered.

Hurry Ani.

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"SKYWALKER! I'M GOING TO KILL...WHO'S THE OLD GUY?" Mara gaped at the transperant Owen Lars.

"Uh uh uh..." Luke stuttered.

"I'm his uncle you red haired hussey!" Owen yelled.

"UNCLE OWEN!" Luke yelled in dismay.

"WHO THE HELL ARE YOU CALLING A HUSSEY YOU..YOU...hey aren't you supposed to be dead?"

"I AM DEAD! ARE YOU BLIND?"

"LIKE I'VE EVER TALKED TO DEAD PEOPLE!" Mara yelled. Luke moaned softly to himself. Unknown to him, a very dismayed (but highly amused) Obi-wan Kenobi was watching the exchange. Perhaps this wasn't the smartest idea he'd ever gone along with.

"I DON'T WANT YOU AROUND MY NEPHEW!" the dead farmer bellowed. "YOU'RE A BAD INFLUENCE! YOU'RE EVEN WORSE THAN THAT CAMI GIRL THAT..."

"UNCLE!" Luke yelled.

"QUIET LUKE! THIS IS FOR YOUR OWN GOOD! I WON'T HAVE YOU KISSING THIS..."

"UNCLE!"

"KISSING THIS WHAT?" Mara screeched. The invisible Obi-wan clutched his ears in dismay. This was very very bad. He needed female assistance on this.

The dead Jedi Master ran off in search of Beru and Shmi.

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Karrde and Lando stared at Mara and Luke.

"Calrissian, what the hell is going on?" Karrde asked.

"Uh..."

"Are they drunk?" he asked.

"Uh..."

"Oh that's very insightful Calrissian."

"Maybe they see dead people," Lando finally offered. Karrde gave him a quizzical look before pouring himself some brandy. (They ran out of wine and have now turned to Karrde's private store of Corellian whiskey and brandy.)

"They're both insane," Karrde suggested instead. "We need to lock those two and the kid in a crazy house."

"If we're going to do that, don't forget Han," Lando said.

"Solo doesn't need to be in a nut house, he needs his own special exhibit at the New Republic Interplanetary Zoo."

The two men looked at each other for a split second before breaking into drunken laughter. Ghent sighed to himself. He wondered how long it would be before they finally passed out from all the alcohol.

"We could sell tickets!" Lando yelled. "Thirty five credits to see the Hairless Wookiee!"

Apparently it wasn't soon enough.
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"Owen! What the hell?" Anakin yelled. The dead Skywalker had arrived right in the middle of the new Galactic Civil War.

"Anakin!" Owen yelled. He pointed an accusing finger at a red faced Mara Jade. "Your son kissed her!"

"I was only..." Luke started to protest, then he stopped and stared at Anakin. Mara voiced his thoughts by yelling and jabbing a finger in his direction.

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?" she asked.

"I'm uh...shopping..." he offered lamely.

"DEAD PEOPLE CAN'T SHOP!"

Anakin groaned. As if an angry Padme (as well as Jaina, Shmi, and Beru) weren't enough, now he had to deal with YET another estrogen charged female. Was this some kind of force twisted penance for his days spent as a Sith Lord?

"Ani!" Shmi yelled. Anakin jumped as his mother and step sister-in-law came charging up. (Followed closely behind by a bemused Qui-Gon and an anxious Obi-wan.)

Anakin closely counted those around him. One, two, three...three women...

"Anakin!" Padme yelled as she and Jaina came racing up. Four...five... Gah! He was surrounded!

Now where was Han?

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"You're paying for all of this!" Vosha Varida screeched as she cornered the luckless Corellian. She and her mini troupe of saleswomen surrounded the now sweating Solo.

"Sorry sweet heart, but I've got better things to do!" Han yelled. Must...not...use...blaster...

The voluptious blue Twi'lek leaned dangerously closer (exposing a view that Obi-wan would have...er...enjoyed) as she glared menacingly at our unfortunate hero.

"You WILL pay for this!" she yelled.

"No I won't!" Han yelled. A sudden idea flashed through his mind as a certain amnesiac crossdressing Bothan came into view.

"It's his fault!" Han accused. He pointed a finger at Fey'yla. "He did it! Make him pay for the damages!" As the mini female warband turned their eyes upon the confused Bothan, Han jumped behind a rack of bathrobes and dashed like a possessed madman down the center of the store.

"JAINA!" Han roared. "WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU?"

"GET HIM!" Vosha Varida screeched. Han realized that he was in some real trouble now. As a former Rebel hero and a responsible (Responsible?) parent, there was only one real solution to his problems.

"LEIA! GET ME OUT OF THIS HELL HOLE!"

Um, I don't think that was it.