Hey Dad...
Chpt. 17: The Definition of Humiliation is...
Webster's New Universal Unabridged Dictionary
humiliation, n. the act of humiliating or the state of being humiliated. (What the force is it with dictionary definitions not telling you the definition?)
humiliate, v.t.; to humble; to lower the pride or dignity of; to hurt the feelings of by causing to be or seem foolish or contemptible; to mortify. (That's a little better.)
Webster's Dictionary according to Han and Luke
humiliation:
1. The act of doing incredibly stupid things that just happen to be recorded by your so called friends just so that they can make a hefty profit at the expense of your hard won dignity.
2. The fact that everyone will know about this by tomorrow.
3. The fact that your beloved wife and sister won't let you kill the immoral conniving rancor asses that just happened to illegally record every microsecond of your brain numbing ordeal.
4. The fact that you're now on Mara Jade's death list. (Oh wait, that's supposed to go under their definition of fear.)
fear:
1. An angry Leia.
2. An angry Mara.
3. A very angry Leia.
4. Mara Jade's death list.
5. Being less than two feet away from a very angry Leia while the Walking Carpet and two female associates block off the only available escape routes out of the kitchen.
6. The knowledge that nothing in this universe can save them from the coming Apocalypse.
"Enough of the definitions!" Han yelled. "Let's just get it over with!"
Fair enough.
"Ladies," Leia finally said, "What do you think I should do with this pair?" Mon Montha and Winter made a brief show of intense concentration as they thought about this matter of very grave importance.
"They can clean my place," Winter finally suggested.
"Yes, and mine as well," Mon Montha said. (Isn't this kind of mild punishment?)
Leia thought about this for a moment as she studied the sweating pair in front of her.
"You know," she mused. "By this time tomorrow all of our friends and associates will have seen that recording." Han and Luke's faces paled considerably as they thought about that. Leia smirked as she continued relentlessly.
"I'm not sure if there's any punishment I can give that can compete with the knowledge that everyone is going to see what you did. But of course, that doesn't mean I won't try," Leia grinned. Han and Luke gulped.
fear: to feel a painful apprehension of, as some impending evil; to be afraid of; to dread...
"ENOUGH OF THE DEFINITIONS!" Han bellowed.
Sorry Han, I was just trying to help.
"WELL STOP HELPING! YOU'RE ONLY SUPPOSED TO BE THE NARRATOR!"
Ahem. On with the story. (See that I ever help you again Solo.)
"Before I decide on a fitting punishment, I want to know one thing," Leia said. Han and Luke looked fearfully at her.
"Exactly who was it that actually helped Jaina? I didn't see you two doing anything."
A sheepish Luke went on the explain their ghostly saviors to his bemused sister.
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"Karrde?"
"Eh?"
"This has been a good day," Lando said. He and Karrde have been busy counting their profits. In case you, the readers, are wondering, the current list of customers is listed below.
So far the recording has been sold or given to:
1. Leia
2. Wedge
3. Bel Iblis
4. Mara Jade
5. Corrin Horn
6. Wes Janson
7. Booster Terrik
8. Gavin Darklighter
9. Ghent
So far the recording has been seen by:
1. All of the above.
2. All of the above and their spouses.
3. Admiral Ackbar.
Future customers that have yet to see or buy this recording (But will very soon):
1. Kyp Durron
2. Streen
3. Various other Jedi
4. Rogue Squadron
5. You get the idea.
"So what are you going to do now?" Lando asked.
"The only thing that any sensible man can do right now," Karrde answered.
And what's that Karrde?
"Get as far away as humanly possible from Coruscant and Yavin 4."
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Luke and Han glared darkly at the smirking pair in front of them.
"You're dead Antilles, you hear me?" Han threatened. "And so are you Horn!"
"I have no idea what you're talking about," Wedge said. "This was Leia's idea, not mine."
"Save it Antilles!"
Wedge's smirk deepened as he watched the frustrated pair. Corrin snickered evilly as the door opened to admit Gavin Darklighter. A shocked Gavin (and an invisible Biggs Darklighter) froze in the middle of the doorway before he began to laugh hysterically.
"Hey Han, nice clothes. Did Leia pick them out for you and Luke?" he asked.
"SHUT THE HELL UP!" Han bellowed.
"Are you guys recording this?" Gavin asked. Corrin and Wedge's grins widened even wider.
"Oh yes," Corrin said. "Moments like this must be treasured."
"Okay, now I agree with Han," Luke muttered. "Shut up!" A smiling Corrin wagged his finger at the reddened Jedi Master and took on a mocking tone as he imitated Luke's teaching voice.
"Now remember Jedi Master Skywalker, humility is the hallmark of a Jedi. It teaches us to..."
"Humility, not humiliation!" Luke shouted.
"I never knew Leia had it in her," Wedge mused. "She's more evil than I originally thought. That woman's definately the daughter of Dark Vader." A pair of hostile eyes glared up at them.
"What are you two looking at?" Corrin asked. "Mirax wants you to clean the kitchen after this." Han muttered something under his breath and Corrin smirked.
"I'll tell Mirax you said that Solo," he said.
"No! Don't!" Han protested. He'd had enough of angry females the last few days.
(I suppose you the readers are now wondering what thehell is going on. So I shall now enlighten you.)
"WHY THE HELL DID SHE MAKE US WEAR WOMEN'S CLOTHING?" Han wailed.
Yes, Leia decided that cleaning every inch of Mon Montha, Winter, Wedge, and Corrin's homes was not humbling enough. Our unfortunate pair is also being forced to wear the following:
Han:
the same articles he and Mara put on Fey'yla (blonde wig, women's sunhat, a scarf, and a pink purse)
a red bra over a pink shirt
a matching red thong over his pants
jewelry (Winter's idea)
makeup (Mon Montha's idea)
Luke:
a red wig
jewelry
makeup
a green lacy bra over a white shirt (Leia banned him from wearing his Jedi clothes)
a matching thong over his pants a white laced hair bonnet (courtesy of Winter)
Oh dear, will the humiliation never end?
"HAHAHAHA! HEY! NICE CLOTHES!"
Gah! It's Wes!
"HAHAHAHAHA!"
"I'M GOING TO KILL ALL OF YOU!" Han raged. A faint female voice drifted in response from a back room. Corrin grinned as he translated.
"Mirax says less talking and more scrubbing Han."
"Of all the dirty son of a..."
"Mirax! Han's saying that..." Corrin started.
"HAN!" Mirax yelled.
"I hate you Corrin," Han muttered.
"Shut up and scrub the floor."
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Author's note: It's look like I have two chapters left instead of one. Han and Luke (and Mara)
still have to plot their revenge.
The final two chapters are (if everything goes as planned):
Chpt. 18: Revenge is a Dish Best Served...
Chpt. 19: The Antilles Finale
Oh, and I've decided that my next story will be Hey Palpatine, but it'll be about a month before I get to it. I'm going to have a character from a popular non-SW movie guest star in it (perhaps), but I won't say who it is. I will, however, say that he is a complete scoundrel.
