Hey Dad...

Chpt. 18: Revenge is a Dish Best Served...

Webster's New Universal Unabridged Dictionary

revenge; to inflict damage, injury, or punishment in return for (an injury, insult, etc.); to take vengeance for; to retaliate for.

Han and Luke's Definition

revenge; just read the story

"Han?"

"Eh?"

"We can never show our faces in public again," Luke moaned.

"Kid, we can never show our faces in PRIVATE again."

Yes, our heroes have finally finished their gastly ordeal. I can only say that it's a good thing that our dead friends (particularly Owen and Anakin) didn't see them.

"I saw them," Biggs Darklighter said.

Biggs? What are you doing here?

"Making fun of Luke," he answered.

Ah, well I guess that makes sense. After all, what are friends for?

"I can't wait to tell Mr. Lars."

What? No! Biggs! Don't!

Poof.

Oh dear. It appears that Biggs has disappeared. You'd better hide guys. Wait a...WHAT are you two DOING?

"Kid, you want the beer or the whiskey?" Han asked.

Luke, isn't drinking what got you blackmailed in the first place?

"I'll take the whiskey," Luke answered.

Oh dear. Well, I suppose it was inevitable. Just so you two know, alcohol is not the solution to all problems.

"Just shut up and narrate!" Han yelled.

Very well, don't say I didn't warn you.

After consuming an undeterminable amount of alcoholic substances, our two heroes have finally decided upon a plan of action.

"I'm going to kill Karrde."

No Han, not that.

"Then Lando, Wedge, Corrin, Wes, Gavin..."

Han! Focus!

"I'm am focusing!" Han protested. "In great detail!"

(The narrator sighs at this point and gives up even trying.)

After going into great detail on the deaths of his so called friends, Han sat moodily at the table for a long time before he and Luke suddenly looked at each other.

"I have an idea for Karrde and Lando," Han smirked.

"Yeah, well I've got the perfect idea for Wedge," Luke answered.

Are you two going to enlighten us?

"First, we need to buy some supplies," Han said.

"We already have all the supplies for Wedge."

"Really?" Han asked.

"Uh huh."

Oh dear. Well, before we find out what happens next, there's one little thing I think we should check on.

"Oh Master," Anakin said innocently. (Anakin, innocent?)

"What now?" Obi-wan asked crossly. He was tired of all the Twi'lek jokes.

"Nothing, it's just that someone recently died that you might want to talk to." Obi-wan's eyebrow lifted slightly at that.

"Oh really, I don't suppose you'll enlighten me."

"It's a surprise Master."

"Anakin, I don't like..."

Anakin ignored him and began to walk away. A now curious Obi-wan was left with the option of either staying behind, or following.

He decided to follow.

He would come to regret it.

For the person he was about to meet...

"Ahhhh!" Obi-wan yelled.

...was none other than Vosha Varida.

"ANAKIN! I'M GOING TO KILL YOU!"

"I'm already dead Master."

"Who are you?" Vosha asked.

"He's a secret admirer," Anakin answered helpfully.

"ANAKIN!"

"He especially likes your..."

WHACK!

Anakin stumbled off to nurse his now bruised forehead as an irate Obi-wan Kenobi chased after him.

"Anger is for the Dark Side Master!" Anakin called back.

"I'll show you anger you miserable Padawan!"

"Padme! Help! He's finally gone senile!"

Sorry Ani, but your wife decided to sit this one out. You're on your own.

"Aaaahhhh!"

Meanwhile:

"Luke was wearing WHAT?" Owen Lars bellowed.

"Yup," Biggs said.

Biggs, what kind of friend are you?

"Hey!" Biggs protested. "Do you know how many times that Luke got ME in trouble when we were kids?
This is pay back."

(Sigh.)

"Oh, I almost forgot," Biggs said. "I've got one other person I need to haunt today."

One other person? This being...

"What the...WHO THE HELL ARE YOU?" Mara Jade yelled.

Oh no Biggs, you didn't.

"I know what you're planning to do to Luke," Biggs said.

Biggs, were you spying?

"Never!" He protested.

"Are you another dead Jedi?" Mara asked suspiciously.

"Nope."

"Then what the hell do you want?" she asked irately.

"Why, to help you of course," Biggs answered innocently. Mara raised an eyebrow at him.

"To help me?"

"Yup. Unless my calculations are incorrect, Luke's uncle should be paying him a visit very shortly.
You'd better hurry."

Mara ran out the door.

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A short time later:

"LUKE!"

Owen Lars has arrived.

"U..Uncle Owen?" Luke stared dumbstruck at the irate apparition in front of him. Cripes, what had he done NOW? The red faced farmer glared at the two younger men in front of him before exploding.

"I DIDN'T RAISE A CROSSDRESSER!"

"Leia made me do it!" Luke protested.

"I DON'T CARE, YOU SHOULD HAVE..." Owen stopped abruptly as Mara Jade came barreling unannounced into the apartment. A strangled sound rose in Luke's throat as a halfway sober Han glared at her.

"Mara! What the hell are you doing here?" Han yelled. Green eyes glared at him as she stopped next to Owen and Luke. The woman crossed her arms and glared at the dead farmer.

"So you don't like me around your nephew, is that it old man?" she taunted. Owen sputtered angrily as he pointed a finger at her.

"You! Get away from him!"

"What if he doesn't want me to go away!" she yelled back. Luke gave her a confused look.

"Hah! Luke get away from her!" Owen yelled. A frozen Luke stared back. (Our beloved Jedi Master looks very much like a deer in the headlights right now.)

"Ahh..uh..." Luke stuttered. His face reddened as Mara suddenly slung an arm around his waist and leered at his uncle.

"Perhaps Skywalker and I have plans," she hinted seductively. Han choked on his drink. Steam seemed to shoot out of Owen's ears.

"PLANS? LUKE! DON'T TELL ME YOU TWO ARE..."

"Ah...uh..." Luke stammered.

"Don't worry," Mara crooned evilly. "We use protection."

"We do..wha...WHAT?" Luke yelled. Owen Lars turned a deep shade of purplish red.

"LUKE!" he bellowed.

"We're not, she's lying and uh..." he trailed off as Mara glared at him a split second before smiling innocently.

"Was last night not good enough for you Skywalker?" she asked sweetly. Luke gaped at her as Han snickered behind him.

"Huh?" he asked.

"LUKE!" Owen boomed. "DON'T TELL ME YOU'VE BEEN SLEEPING WITH THIS...THIS..."

"I'm not!" Luke yelled. "Mara! Tell him!"

Mara Jade smirked evilly at him. Good, she had the old man's feathers up. Now for one last knife.

She wrapped her arms around a shocked Luke Skywalker and kissed him passionately on the lips. This time Han actually spit out his drink. Mara smirked inwardly as she ran her fingers through his hair and deepened the kiss.

Owen Lars went through the roof.

Mara pulled away and waved flirtatiously at the dumbstruck Jedi.

"I'll be seeing you Skywalker."

Then she sauntered happily out of the apartment and down the hall. As soon as she turned the corner, she leaned against a wall and laughed hysterically.

And now for the Wrath of Owen Lars:

"LUKE!"

Han took the opportunity to grab his drink and retreat to a relatively safe distance.

Three...

"Uncle, I..."

Two...

"We didn't..."

One...

KABOOM.

And thus exploded the Owen Lars equivolent of the nuclear bomb.

(Do to the graphic nature of the following, this scene has been cut. If you wish to see the unedited version, you'll have to buy it from your local adult book store or video store.)

(Or you can go to Karrde. I'm sure he's got a bootleg copy.)

Needless to say, it took Han Solo some time to extract the Luke Skywalker debris from his kitchen ceiling. It will also take some time for Jedi Master Skywalker to fully recover from his near death experience.

Eight hours later:

"What's wrong with Luke?" Leia asked.

"Long story," Han said.

"Is Uncle Luke going to be okay?" Anakin asked.

"Uhh..." Luke moaned.

I guess you two will have to wait a few days before you can seek vengeance on Karrde and Lando.

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One week later:

A very satisfied Talon Karrde was rewatching part of the recording with Booster Terrik as they traded some vitally important information.

"Have you seen the strip clubs on Belion IV?" Booster asked.

"No, but I hear they're quite...unique," Karrde said.

Oh yes, vitally important.

"Did you hear what Leia did to Solo and Skywalker?" Karrde asked. Booster smirked as he suddenly held up a datacard.

"Corrin took some pictures. I'll give you a copy for a price," he said.

"What kind of price?"

"You have some dirt on Bel Iblis, I want to hear it."

"I have to see the pictures first to determine the value," Karrde answered.

"Well it so happens that..."

"Hey Chief," one of his crewmen called out. "Your package just came in."

"Ah, excellent," Karrde said. He rubbed his hands together in anticipation as he stood up. Booster raised an eyebrow at him.

"This is a shipment I've been waiting for," Karrde explained. "It's some very special equipment that I ordered from one of my business associates out on the Rim."

"What kind of special equipment?" Booster asked. Karrde smirked as they walked into the storage room.

"Why my good friend, allow me to show you." Karrde punched a code into the security panel on the heavy box.

"These are genuine..." Karrde slowly trailed off as many small boxes came tumbling out of the storage container. He stared at them for a long moment before slowly bending to pick one up.

"Male performance enhancers, eh?" Booster said as he read over Karrde's shoulder. Just then, a holographic recording shot out of the open box. The small images of a certain Corellian and a certain Jedi Master grinned innocently up at the now angry Karrde.

"Karrde, you dirty son of a bleep! I'll bleep you then bleep bleep bleep bleep bleeeeeep! And Luke also says bleep bleep bleep!" Han yelled. (The narrator sincerely apologizes for the censoring. The next time that she narrates a story, she will be sure to do it on Tatooine or Corellia where the censoring commissions are less strict...or none existent.)

"Karrde, even if you're not in a situation where these are needed..." Luke said.

"In other words, if you're not getting any," Han clarified.

"We knew that if the opportunity should ever arise," Luke continued.

"However unlikely," Han cut in.

"...that you'll really really need these," they both said.

"BECAUSE WE DON'T!" Han yelled.

Click.

The hologram clicked off and Karrde stared at the pile of male performance enhancers a split second before he began screaming bloody murder.

Booster Terrik laughed his ass off.

Meanwhile, many sectors away:

"AAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Lando yelled furiously. Lobot made a point of retreating to the next room.

"I'LL KILL THEM!" Lando threatened.

He had recieved the same gift as Karrde. But unlike his partner in crime, three lovely ladies that he secretely admired had witnessed the opening of his "gift."

Lando Calrissian kicked a box of male performance enhancers across the room and stormed out.

The three (unnamed) lovely ladies giggled amongst themselves.

What, did you two seriously think that Han and Luke wouldn't try to get you back?

Karrde threw his pile of enhancers out of the nearest airlock.

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One last chapter left.

Chapter 19: The Antilles Finale

Enjoy!