Disclaimer: S.E. Hinton owns The Outsiders.
It was a sunny day when Johnny's memorial service finally arrived. School seemed longer than usual, and I could tell Pony felt the same way because he didn't stop fidgeting for the entire 45 minutes of English. I had a feeling he'd show up on his lunch period, and he didn't let me down.
I'd been grading papers when Pony walked in, and at first, he just sat on the same desk in the front row, staring at the floor. I glanced up a few times, but he didn't seem ready to talk, so I didn't say anything either. After about five minutes of silence, he finally spoke.
"I …" he trailed off, and I looked up, curious. He looked at me then, and there was a pained look on his face. "I don't know what it's going to be like today," he finished.
"What do you mean?" I asked gently. "You told me you had the whole thing planned, so you know what to expect, right?"
"Yeah, that's not what I mean," he said. He sighed. "I know the order of the service and all that. It's just…" he trailed off again. I waited, and he finally continued. "We never had a funeral for Johnny, and I'm worried about how I'll react," he said in a rush.
My heart sank, and I said, "Well, I don't really see what there is to worry about. Everyone's going to be sad. You know that. I can't imagine you'll be reacting much differently from anyone else. I mean… it's not like you haven't been to a funeral before, right?"
As soon as the words were out of my mouth, I wished with all of my heart that I could pull them right back in. The look on Pony's face was devastating, and I suddenly remembered the one thing he's never talked to me about… his parents.
My mouth was opening in a desperate attempt to apologize, but he must have seen that in my face because he said in a low voice, "No, it's ok. You're right. It's not like I've never been to a funeral before. But that one…" and he shook his head, suddenly unable to speak. I waited silently, and he managed to say, "that one was really, really bad. I don't want to be like that at this one."
I waited for him to look up again, and when he didn't, I got up from my chair and came around my desk to sit on the one next to his. I squeezed his shoulder, and he nodded his acknowledgement but still didn't look up. "Thanks," he muttered.
He was still staring at the floor when he said, "I couldn't stop crying at my parents' funeral. Soda was bad too. Darry – well, Darry was his usual self. I know he was sad, but he's always in control. I'm just afraid that today will be like that, but I don't know if anyone will understand it as much as they did when it was for our parents."
I took a deep breath, trying to control my own voice and not let my overwhelming sympathy come out.
"Pony, I'll make you a promise. You know I'm going to be there. If it's as bad as you think it'll be, I promise I'll understand. You can always talk to me."
At this, Pony finally looked up and smiled half-heartedly. "Thanks, Mrs. Nelson. I do know, and I'll probably take you up on that."
I nodded and said, "It starts at 4:00, right?"
"Yeah, and I'm talking second to last, right before Soda. We changed the order a little."
I looked at him in concern. "Are you sure you want to do that? It won't be easier for you to just get it over with?"
He shook his head. "Nah. I think I need to see other people talk to know how they do it. I'll be fine. Thanks, though, for worrying." He sighed. "I should get going. But – I'll see you there, right? You'll find me?"
I nodded as reassuringly as I could manage. "I'll sit right up front and off to the side. It'll be easy for you to see me."
He seemed to relax as he grabbed his backpack and stood up. "Ok.. I'll see you then. And I know I said this already, but thanks. Thanks a lot."
I smiled as much as I could manage. "You know I'm here for you Pony. No need for thanks."
He nodded and walked out of the room. I ran my hands through my hair and tried to swallow my anxiety. I was suddenly very aware of just how hard this afternoon might be. My conversation with Ponyboy had reminded me that even though he had his brothers, he didn't have anyone maternal who could provide any comfort, and sometimes, that's the only kind anyone wants. I had a feeling I had suddenly been given that role.
When school ended, I got my things together as quickly as possible. I wanted to get to the park early to make sure I was sitting where I told Pony I'd be. I had a feeling he needed the reassurance of seeing me there and as soon as possible.
I was walking out of the building when Bill approached me.
"Sarah, can I speak to you for a minute?"
I stopped and looked at him questioningly. "Sure, what is it?"
He motioned for me to follow him out of the way of the doorway before he began to speak.
"Well," he paused, looking uncomfortable, but then he finally said, "thank you for what you've been doing for this other service. I know you haven't had a hands-on role, but I've heard from a lot of people that you're providing a lot of emotional support for Ponyboy, and after speaking to Randy after Bob's memorial, I've started to realize what actually happened that night. I just wanted to apologize for our meeting a couple of weeks ago. I'm glad you're doing this, and I'm glad at least one of our teachers will be representing our school at Johnny's memorial."
I stared at Bill for a moment before letting out a deep breath I didn't know I'd been holding. I smiled at him sincerely for the first time in a month.
"Thanks, Bill. I know the other memorial was important to have as well. Bob was a student here too. Just… thanks for understanding the other side."
He smiled back but then turned serious. "Good luck with everything this afternoon. I'd try to go myself, but I have a meeting. Stop by my office on Monday and tell me what happened?"
I nodded. "Of course I will. Have a good weekend, Bill."
"You too, Sarah," he said, smiling once more before turning to speak to someone else. As I walked out of the school, I felt as if a huge weight had been lifted. I also felt much better prepared to deal with whatever this memorial service might throw at me.
When I got to the park, I was surprised to see a huge number of people already there. Most of them were dressed in jeans and t-shirts, and their hair was greased like Pony always wore his. I saw Darry right away at the front. Pony was with him, and so was another boy who bore a very strong resemblance to both of them and who I therefore assumed must be Soda. I had started to walk in their direction when Steve Randle suddenly stopped me.
"Mrs. Nelson?" he said hesitantly. I smiled at him. He'd been in my class the previous year, and I'd really liked him. I knew he didn't get along with a lot of his teachers, but I'd never had a problem with him.
"Hi, Steve. How are you?"
He smiled too, but I could see the lines of tension in his face.
"I'm ok. Listen, Pony told me to look out for you since he's kind of busy right now. We saved you a seat. Want me to show you where it is?"
I nodded. "Sure. Thanks for saving it."
Steve led me through rows of chairs that had obviously been donated by people from the neighborhood, and we got to the front row, where he'd saved me the seat on the very end next to a big oak tree. I sat down, dropping my bag on the ground beside me, and Steve suddenly looked very lost.
"Do you want to sit next to me?" I asked impulsively. I'd suddenly remembered something else about Steve. He had a very hard time asking for help, but he also had a very hard time rejecting it if it were offered. He looked relieved and sat down quickly.
"Yeah, thanks. I need to sit up front since I said I'd say something, so this'll work."
We'd been sitting there in silence for a few minutes while everyone else found seats when I finally asked him what he was planning to say. He reached into his pocket and pulled out a crumpled piece of paper.
"Here," he said, dropping it on my lap.
I slowly opened it and started to read. When I finished, my eyes were full of tears, so I waited until I was calm before I looked at Steve again. He saw it in my face, though, and gave me a twisted smile.
"It's going to be awful," he mumbled, taking the paper back from me and staring at the ground.
"I know," I almost whispered. My stomach was starting to hurt. I'd been thinking only of Pony for so long in the context of this memorial that I'd somehow managed to forget that there was a good chance I'd know some of the other kids there, and they might actually need me too. One of the things I've never understood about these events is that when they affect high school kids, their parents don't think they need to be there. I couldn't disagree more, which is why I always make every effort to go. It isn't easy, but it is necessary. I took a deep breath and sat back in my seat. Darry was starting to speak.
"Will everyone please find seats," he called out over the drone of the crowd, and they settled down quickly. Once everyone was in a seat, he took a deep breath and said, "Welcome to the memorial for Johnny Cade. As all of you know, Johnny died a couple of months ago after trying to save some kids from a burning church. He died a hero. Considering that none of us had a chance to really say goodbye to him, it seemed like a good idea for us all to get together as a tribute to Johnny. Since we've started planning this, people have come up to us to tell us that they'd like to speak, so that's going to be the basic format of this memorial. The order of the speakers is Two-Bit Mathews, Tim Shepard, Steve Randle, Ponyboy Curtis, and Sodapop Curtis. Please give each of them your attention. Thanks."
Darry sat down in the seat on the opposite end of my row, and Two-Bit got up. I recognized him from the hallways, but I'd never had him in class. He kind of smiled at the crowd and then launched into a rambling speech about how Johnny was everybody's kid brother and how much they'd all miss him. He spoke pretty quickly and was done much faster than I expected him to be. It was pretty clear that he was nervous, and when he sat down, he seemed to sag with relief. The crowd was sitting quietly when Tim got up and walked to the front. He stood there staring at everyone for a minute before he started to speak.
"I didn't know Johnny as well as some of the other people here. But I know that the world won't be the same without him. I just wish I'd had the chance to get to know him better because it's pretty clear now that I was the one missing out."
I felt a lump forming in my throat. He hadn't said a lot, but he'd made a significant impact on a lot of people. The previously quiet crowd was shifting around in its seats, and I heard some sniffling from behind me, but I didn't turn around. It was Steve's turn, and I squeezed his shoulder before he went. He glanced at me gratefully, squared his shoulders, and stood up.
I watched as he walked to the front of the crowd. He, too, waited like Tim had, but I knew it was because this was suddenly harder than he expected it to be. Finally, before the silence got too uncomfortable, he started to speak.
"Tim said he didn't know Johnny really well. Well, I did. And like Two-Bit said, he was like a little brother to all of us. He'd never have hurt a fly, and he showed that by trying to save some little kids he'd never even met. It cost him his life, but knowing him, he still would have gone into the church even if he'd known this was how it would turn out. He was the one who was going to make a difference in this world, and even though he was only 16, he already did. Maybe that's why he died… he already did more for this world than most people do in a lifetime. I just wish he'd have had more time because the world was better when Johnny was in it. It really was."
My eyes filled with tears as I listened to him, and I was suddenly aware that his voice sounded very different than it normally did. He quickly came back to his seat, and I was ready to give him time and not look at him when I realized he was looking at me. His face was twisted as he tried to stay in control… a battle he was clearly losing. I looked at him with so much sympathy in my eyes that it cost him his last bit of resolve, and as the tears filled his eyes, I put my arm around him. He buried his face in his hands and leaned over, silently quivering. He calmed down very quickly, though, and was brusquely wiping his eyes when Pony stood up to speak. His eyes were wide, though, and I knew he'd witnessed Steve's silent breakdown and was shaken by it.
Pony let out a deep breath before he began to talk. "Thanks for coming, everyone. As most of you probably know, Johnny was my best friend. There aren't many people who can understand me in the same way he did, but the number of people who are here should tell everyone something about him. No matter how insignificant he thought he was, he really impacted everyone's life." Pony paused here, and I knew this was getting to him. I could see in his eyes that this was finally becoming reality, and he didn't know how to deal with that. "I don't know what my life will be like without Johnny in it, but I know one thing. I'll never forget him." His voice was starting to fade, and he choked out, "He'll always be my best friend no matter what." Then he quickly walked off towards my end of the row, but he didn't stop. He walked right around the tree. I glanced quickly at Steve to make sure he was ok, and he nodded, so I got up and slipped around the tree myself as Soda got up to talk.
Pony was leaning against the tree on the far side, and tears were sliding down his face as he stared at the ground. He looked up in fear when he heard the footsteps, but as soon as we made eye contact, all semblance of control was gone. He took one step towards me, and I opened my arms quickly, enfolding him in a hug as he completely fell apart. I held on tightly as he shook with sobs, and a small part of me could hear Soda speaking, but I was much more focused on helping Pony. I was just glad he was letting me. He only started to calm down when we realized the service was over, and he took a deep breath, let go of me, and wiped his eyes.
"Thanks," he whispered, and I just patted him on the shoulder. We were still standing there as he took some more deep breaths when we heard some more footsteps, and Soda was suddenly in front of us, looking every bit as upset as Pony had just been. He appeared to not even see me. He just looked straight at Pony, his lower lip quivering, and I watched as Pony did what I had done for him, hugging Soda as he fell apart. I walked away to give them some privacy and found that the park had emptied out pretty quickly. The only people left were Darry, Two-Bit, and Steve. They were just sitting on the side of the fountain, the rest of the guests having taken their chairs with them as they'd gone.
I looked at the three of them, feeling that same lump in my throat. They sat there with red eyes, not looking at each other, so I walked over to them slowly to say goodbye. Darry looked up at me.
"Thanks so much for coming, Mrs. Nelson. It really means so much to all of us to know that you understand and that you care this much."
"I'm just glad I could be here," I said sincerely, and Steve looked up then and smiled slightly. "Thanks," he almost whispered.
I nodded at him. "Of course," I said softly. I sighed. "I'm going to get going."
I had picked up my bag and was about to leave when Darry said, "Mrs. Nelson, I know you were with Pony… is he ok?"
I tilted my head to the side. "I think he's better, but… he's with Soda now…" I was leaving a lot unsaid, but I knew Darry would probably understand, and from the way his eyes widened, I knew he did.
"Thank you," he said as he stood up and started to walk towards the tree. I left then, hoping the Curtis brothers would be able to heal each other. I had a pretty good idea that they could.
