Hmmm this chapter is mighty short but action packed, oh yes.

Disclaimer: You know the drill, it's not mine, blah blah insert witty remark about the pointlessness of disclaimers here. Also, I do not own Thomas the Tank Engine or any form of wrestling.

Thanks to my reviewers: Poetic License AKA abbs, Sabine Strohem-Moss, Me gusta books, Kalira, Mz Hellfire, Black Triforce, and Weirdly Yours/Jenny.

And also, muchas gracias for the people who are reviewing my first story: Skysong, Arwen 637, ZZ9PluralZAlpha, Ultraviolent catastrophe, and GirlChild1313. Thanks for reviewing and I hope someday you can get this far in my monstrosity to see that I thank you for reviewing. Now without further a due, I present:

Chapter Four: Hogwart's Finest

Harry sat in the Burrow the last day of summer vacation plotting revenge on his enemies, which included Malfoy, Lockhart, and that one moleman who kept stealing his underwear. So he didn't get much sleep and woke up rather cross the next morning. "Harry, Ron!" shrieked Mrs. Weasley. "Get up, get up, it's time for—" Harry was so pissed he punched her in the face and went to get his clothes.

They all arrived at Platform Nine and Three Quarters, but Harry couldn't find his steroid pills so Ron stayed back and helped him search the car while everyone else crossed over the barrier. "Harryyyyyyy…c'mon…I got a bad feeling," Ron said.

"Oh, Ron, shut up, nothing surprising or dangerous will happen to us. NOW WHERE THE HELL ARE MY STEROIDS!"

After much bellowing and punching, Harry had found his pills and was ready to go through the barrier. However, he found that when he took a step towards it, the bricks ejected long metal spikes and burst into flame.

"You were saying?" Ron said sarcastically. "Aww mannnnn," Harry moaned. "If only you were Hermione, she could figure out how to get through," he snapped at Ron. And break our heads open while she's at it, came the afterthought.

"Oh man, what do we do, what do we do?" Ron griped. Harry was then struck with a brilliant idea. "Maybe the flames are just an illuuuuuuuuusion!" he cried in a mystical voice.

A few minutes later, Ron lay in an ashy heap by the trolley and Harry was banging his head against the wall trying to figure out a plan and where it all went wrong. "Oh, where did it all go wrong?" he moaned.

"Probably—where I ran into the fire—" Ron coughed out weakly. "Oh yeah," Harry said thoughtfully. "But we still need a plan…" he trailed off, leaning against the platform with his hands in his pockets. Then his face lit up as his hand emerged from his pocket holding—

—"Harry, why are you holding a rubber chicken in your hand?" Ron asked wheezily.

"Wait, no, not that," Harry frowned before pulling out his handy dandy miniaturized flying motorized cart.

"Your handy dandy miniaturized flying motorized cart! Well I—HACK—never!" Ron choked out. Soon the cart was enlarged back to its normal size and Harry and Ron were both flying it through the air, Ron slumped over the side looking ill while Harry manned the helm—err, I mean, controls.

"Look, Ron! There's Thomas the Tank Engine!" Harry cried. And sure enough, there was the bright blue train bound for Hogwarts, a grin on his face.

"Au…to…graph-ph…" Ron managed weakly. But autographs were soon out of the question, as Thomas saw Harry's motorized cart and his cheerful grin was traded in for a menacing scowl. "GRRRRRR," went the train as two cannon blasters ejected from his body. The cannons took aim and—BAM—shot cannonballs at Harry. He swerved to avoid them crazily. "What's going on!" Ron cried out.

"This path's only big enough for one of us," Thomas said in that monotone voice that all the trains used. "Prepare to die." And he shot two big cannonballs straight at the boys.

"Quick, capitan!" Harry cried in a fake accent. "Activate ze lasers!" But Ron was too busy throwing up so Harry had to do it himself. But it was alright, as he'd had plenty of practice in Quidditch. Soon, there was an all-out shooting match between the train and the flying cart. It looked like a stalemate until the train suddenly did something that even the author didn't expect.

Thomas lifted off the tracks and soared through the air at Harry. "Wait a second, that's not fair!" he cried. Thomas flew through the air like a long metal dragon until Harry screamed "ENOUGH! THIS IS INSANE! ABSURD! PREPOSTEROUS!"

"Big words can't save you now laddy!" the mad train cried out. Harry whipped his wand out hurriedly and wracked his mind for a spell, when suddenly giant blocks carved out in the word "INSANITY" fell on Thomas. The train howled as he fell back to Earth under the big word, then got back on the tracks and choochooed towards Hogwarts, a few destroyed boxcars in his wake.

"I had to do that," the author, who had just materialized next to Harry, stated.

"But why?"

"Irony, and because you're a total fool and wouldn't remember any of the spells they taught you."

"What spells they taught me?" Harry said dryly.

The author frowned and said, "Good point," before disappearing and leaving a relieved Harry in the flying cart. "I believe that's the first time she's ever helped me." A lightning bolt hit Harry and he winced. "Sorry, sorry," he muttered.

A few hours and some very painful collisions later, Harry and the knocked out Ron arrived at Hogwarts. Harry shrunk down the cart and put it in his pocket once more. Soon Ron came to, and rather than going inside the castle him and Harry sat around lighting trees on fire. But they made a wrong move when they lit a tree wearing a spandex wrestling costume around its trunk on fire. The tree picked them up and tossed them straight into an arriving teacher—Professor Snape, the nose on legs, and after him came a giggly Headmaster Dumbledore—that is, Nancy, I mean.

"What is the meaning of this!" Snape screamed. "What did you do to the Whomping Willow! That's our best wrestling tree, you buffoons! And NOT only that, but your little escapade in your bewitched cart killed twelve students inside the train!"

Harry scuffed his feet on the ground. "Gee, mister Nancy, sir, I am ever so sorry. I know I'm a murderer and just broke all the school rules, but I am golly sorry."

"Florgeliuk!" Nancy cried out happily, and all was forgiven. Welcome to Hogwarts, Harry thought. Beside him, Ron passed out yet again.

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I did it! Wow, look how quickly I've updated! And I know the chapter's short but right now it's all I can manage. Don't worry kids, soon school will be out and I'll have a crapload of time to waste on this horror. Now review, or I'll sic Thomas and the WHOOO-O-O-O-O-OOMPING WILLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOW on you. Hehehehehe.