Here it is, inexcusably late and not up to my usual standards.
Thanks to my reviewers: Jenny, Sabine Strohem-Moss, Black triforce (actually, I sort of did get the idea for Nancy from Kung Pow. And was also motivated to do it from fear of writing out Dumbledore so much), the pure rose (love your review and I hope u do it more often haha, who are the woogalies?), MRS-SIRIUS-BLACK, me gusta books, and kalira.
Also thanks to these people for reviewing my old story: certified-weirdo, Waendolien, Kathryn (I have, as you can see, already made a second story and I'd love for you to R&R this one too, your review made me feel so happy : ), Nutz Nina (will u seriously review every chapter? Thanks!), and amethyst prongs.
Disclaimer: Don't own, etc. Now enjoy…
Chapter Five: I Can't Believe It's Not Better!
The Gryffindor common room was just as Harry remembered it: bare except for the occasional dead elf. The same went for the boys' dormitory, excepting the cots, of course. They'd missed the Sorting, which was rather sad as the students had to wrestle the troll, something Harry had missed out on last year because the previous troll had been eaten by Rabid. Harry was still able to find a good bottle of insecticide to refresh himself, and also witnessed Rabid sloshing through the halls muttering, "Great man, Nancy".
However, as he found out the next day, Hogwarts now was even worse than last year. And considering the fact that last year, their teachers were fakes under the power of Voldemort, that really was saying something. Of course, no one had warned Harry of the evils of "Girlyboy Lockhart"…Harry is not a very clever boy.
"Oh, you should talk!" Shut up, Harry. Anyways…
Harry sat in melancholy at the breakfast trough the next morning with his friends, staring angrily at the lima bean soup that awaited him as it had every morning, noon, and evening last year. Except for the slight detail that it wasn't filled with mind-warping potions. As I said, slight detail. Meanwhile, Draco Malfoy poked him repeatedly and made funny faces at his back. Ron manicured a nail while Hermione yelled and screamed at them about crashing into the Whomping Willow and the importance of equality in wrestling.
Ginny seemed a bit ODD and DISTANT. Perhaps it was due to the fact that she was having conversations with a dark lord in a book. Then again, nobody is very lively around lima bean soup.
The first lesson of the day for Harry turned out to be Herbology, where Harry realized that Voldemort's replacement of the teachers with imposters last year must not have made a difference, really, as they showed no signs of wanting to teach. Only difference was, instead of bursting into flame and becoming ash when asked questions about their subjects, they merely gave the student a bop on the head, or in Professor Sprout's case, clipped their ears with pruning shears.
In the middle of class, Lockhart burst into the greenhouse just as Sprout was feeding a giant Venus flytrap by the doorway.
"Hullo, all!" beamed the Shirly-Temple-esque man, as the door knocked Professor Sprout flying into the jaws of the flytrap. "Oh, dear me, it seems your professor is rather indisposed at the moment. I suppose Í will have to teach for the remainder of the class. Let's see, let's see"—the flytrap spit up a few bones—"ah yes, I believe the time when I discovered the formula for herbal straightening shampoo will do. Now, it was a quiet day in Maybury when my magnificent self was striding roguishly along and I just so happened to…"
Harry didn't hear what else the girlish man was saying, as his ears were filling the room with steam. "How DARE he try to be more famous than me!" The boy grit his teeth and punched Lockhart in the face.
"Aieeeeee!" Blockhart squealed. "My nose! You crooked my nose!"
"Why, yes," Harry said. "I do believe I did."
"Ohhhh, I remember you," Blockhart narrowed his eyes. Harry smiled and waited for the recognition of his fame. "Yes, you're that small insignificant boy from the book store! Now, my boy, you're going the wrong way for fame. Punching a celebrity of prestige like mine is quite a good start, I'll say, but you're going to need more pizzazz than that! I can teach you, small insignificant boy. You could become my disciple, yes—"
Meanwhile, the smoke from Harry ears had made the flytrap cough out Professor Sprout, sans some of her limbs but bleeding quite profusely. "LOCKHART—OUT!" she bellowed, spitting out blood. He looked squeamishly at the gorey mess before bowing to his audience and quickly gliding out of the classroom.
Harry had never had more appreciation for bleeding Herbology professors in his life, even if he was missing a chunk from his ear.
"Oh, he's dreamy!" Hermione sighed, her beaver-like hair wobbling.
"Fancy him then?" Ron asked angrily. For no reason other than Ron is ALWAYS angry with her for some reason or another. It must be love!
"NO!" Hermione bellowed back, her buckteeth flashing dangerously. She went back to writing "Mrs. Gilderoy Lockhart" all over her notebooks, her arm, and eventually Ron.
Harry just couldn't believe it could get worse. "This just couldn't get any—"
"Don't say it!" Ron yelled, but it was too late.
"Hello, Potter," Snape appeared next to Harry, spitting his last name at him. Harry wiped his robes as Snape sneered. "FIFTY POINTS FROM GRYFFINDOR FOR WIPING YOUR ROBES OF MY HOLY SPITTLE!" He screamed hoarsely before turning into a bat and flying through the nearest window.
Just then Oliver Wood and his unibrow strolled up. "See you at next Squidditch practice. It's sure to be quite grueling since we have to ride broomsticks this year." And he walked off, his unibrow leaving a trail of knocked out people in its wake. Harry groaned and put his head in his hands.
"You OK, mate?" Freddie and Jason asked together as they sat down with him and the others.
"I just can't believe it's not better," Harry said sadly.
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And I can't believe that Microsoft Word didn't say the word "pizzazz" was incorrect.
Harry: You know what else I can't believe?
Errrr…
Harry: I can't believe that you've had months to write this, AND that now school is over and you have no life, all you manage to turn out is this horrible excuse for a chapter!
Well, you do have a point there, Harry…sorry, kids, I spose there is no excuse for not updating anymore…I'll try, honest, I will.
Harry: Not to mention that practically nothing happened!
I was reintroducing my version of Hogwarts! That was the WHOLE point! And if I hear one more critism out of your damn mouth I'll—
Harry: Oh, you're bluffi—
Oh my, it seems Harry has tragically been eaten by an elephant. Now REVIEWWWWWWWWWWWWW! Or I'll sic it on you next!
