Short. Very, very short. But the next chapter is on its way! Guess what…I had this whole chappie written BEFORE I posted Six...look how good and update-ful I am being! OMG Half-Blood Prince was amazing…now we're waiting for the final book…I hope she doesn't disappoint. These are without a doubt my favoritest books in the world…

Thanks to: dolphin face, black triforce, the pure rose (don't worry, reviews are ALWAYS awesome!), me gusta books (I'm from Maryland…fun fun, eh? And I am in fact an incredibly boring person to talk to : I don't think I should post my SN here for all the cyber world to see haha), Nutz Nina (thanks for the long review, and I love your ideas, haha. Target's a cheap store, btw), abbs (thanks hehe)

And someone named SEXY BABE left me an interesting review for Sorcerer's Stoned: "YOU SERIOUSLY SHOULD ADD A LOT OF PORN IN THIS STORY AND CHANGE THE RATING TO R. A LOT OF PEOPLE LIKE TO READ ABOUT WHORE HOUSES IN DETAIL AND WHAT GOES ON INSIDE OF THEM IN INTRICATE DETAIL."

Er, well, I suppose if you like to read about whore houses in intricate detail there are places for that…but ummm I really don't think you could call that a story. More like written porn. This review made me laugh a lot. Sorry, Sexy Babe. This is supposed to be comedy, so please get your dirty smut elsewhere, thanks. And if you did use the search engine for keywords PORN WHORE SEX etc, I have no idea why my story came up. OK, moving on…

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter. Or Lucky Charms. Or Reese's Puffs.

Chapter Seven: Kill Them All!

Harry really didn't feel up to eating the usual lima bean soup the next morning, as he was too busy glancing over his shoulder for a monster or something. Luckily, he'd gone shopping a while ago and bought a large box of Lucky Charms at Giant. He had just poured a large heap into his section of the trough when suddenly the box in his hand caught a bullet and fell to the ground. He stared wordlessly at Hermione, who held a smoking pistol in her hand. "You dare to forsake the sacred Reese's Puffs!" she shrieked. "The Reese's Puff's taste is what it is, goddamn you!"

Not wanting to deal with an invisible monster and an enraged Hermione, Harry left to go contemplating. On the way he passed Ginny, who was hugging her knees and babbling like a madman, and Ron, who looked like last night's cheese hadn't agreed with him. He stopped to talk with Ginny. "You're looking awful nervous for someone with no personality," he said smoothly. Her head promptly exploded, and Harry sighed and walked away.

He saw a sign in the Great Hall. It was a challenge to read as knives were falling from the enchanted ceiling, but Harry made out the words "dueling", "club", and "7 PM". Well , technically, 7 is not a word…anyways, he quickly assessed this as an opportunity to show his worth. 7 PM that day found him in a shabby room filled with other people wanting to take out their anger/depression on others. Then strode in the man Harry really wanted to hex. Girlyboy himself.

"Hullo, all!" Girlyboy cried out happily. "And how are the masses? Jolly good! Now, it's time to—D-D-D-D-D-DUEL!"

Platforms rose from the ground, on either side of a large field. Suddenly Snape turned up. He and Girlyboy occupied the two platforms, while the students filed into the field and pulled out their wands. Faint Yugioh music tinkled in the background. Harry found himself facing Malfoy.

"You'll never defeat me Kaiba! I believe in the heart of the cards!" Harry cried. Malfoy wrinkled his brow in confusion. "Kaiba?" he drawled.

Harry laughed. "For Scotland!" he cried triumphantly as he shot a laser at Malfoy though his wand. Malfoy screamed in a high-pitched voice and climbed on top of Snape's head. "Silly, useless boy," Snape hissed, trying to blindly feel his way around his tower. "Can't beat a Commie!" Snape accidently tripped over the gate to his tower and fell to the ground below, much to Harry's delight.

"Now you're mine, Malfoy!" Harry shrilled. Crab and Gargoyle, those strange, misshapen sidekicks, made suggestive "ooooo" noises in the background. Harry reddened. "No! That's not what I mean! You—"

But by now everyone had gathered in a ring around Harry, making more suggestive noises and laughing. Harry's veins bulged; his steroid addiction wasn't helping. "GODDAMN YOU ALL! GODDAMN YOU FOR BEING SUCH DIRTY MINDED FREAKS! I'M A TWELVE YEAR OLD BOY! NO TWELVE YEAR OLD BOY WANTS IT UP THE ASS, NO MATTER WHAT THEY WRITE ON FANFICTION! ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRGH!"

A big snake popped out of Harry's wand. "KILL THEM ALL!" he screamed, but the snake didn't seem to hear him. Harry got his Parseltongue dictionary out, "SSSWISSHHHH HWISSH SHWIH!" he tried again. The snake finally understood and began taking bites out of Neville Longbottom. Unfortunately, Neville was a robot. The snake flopped onto the ground in a long crispy line and withered. "Oh, blast," Harry muttered.

"So, Harry, you can speak Parseltongue?" Ron asked nonchalantly. "That's pretty neat."

"Yes," Harry agreed as they were walking back to their dormitories. Once the MediWizards had arrived at the scene, the Dueling Club wasn't as fun anymore. "My dad left me the dictionary for it, actually. The note said it had been passed down through the family. Old heirloom, you know?"

"That's perfectly reasonable. No reason to think that since that book has been handed down from generation to generation in your family, and that Salazar Slytherin was the only known Parseltongue, that you're the Heir of Slytherin. That'd just be ludicrous," Ron replied. "Oh, look, here's Ginny!"

It was indeed Ginny. For once her head didn't explode. "I've got to tell you something!" she cried monotonously. "I've been typing into a laptop that is actually the Heir of Slytherin!"

"Sorry, what was that?" Harry asked.

Ginny exploded. Ron sighed. "Bound to happen, sooner or later. Did you catch what she said?"

"Nope. But don't worry," Harry laughed. "I'm sure it was about nail polish or boys or something dumb. After all, she's just a girl. A FIRST YEAR girl!"

"Ho ho ho!" Ron laughed merrily, and they skipped off to bed.

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Turns out my baby, Sorcerer's Stoned, is in a C2 thingy. How grand! Not quite sure how that happened…and I also got some "hits". What is a hit? Is it a hit in reference to pot, or a different hit? (BTW, don't do drugs, stay in school, etc…). Could someone please tell me?

Oh and, REVIEWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!