Thanks to my reviewers: the pure rose, Black Triforce, Nutz Nina, me gusta books (I didn't see a lot of HBP coming, but I have this tendency to skip to a page where something big's revealed, so I knew early on who the HBP was), aka-kitsune-chan (I might parody all the books…depends on if I get a good response when I'm done with this), Jenny, and abbs, And thanks to aka-kitsune-chan, Anonymous and Tim Lin for reviewing SS. C'mon, guys, review for poor little me. I'm trying for an average of ten reviews per chapter…meaning we're like twenty behind right now! Where are all my old reviewers? I miss you people (sniffle).
To compensate for my lack-of-updating ness and how short Chappie the Seventh was, I have written this huge amazing long chapter. Before I put out Chapter Seven. OK, how completely responsible am I, eh?
Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter or the Wizard of Oz. Unlessssss….wait, no.
Without delay I give you…
Chapter Eight: Tom Riddle Revealed (LOL)
The next day, Harry was trying to make his way to class, but tripped over a random student with a long, hard to spell last name. "Bugger!" Harry snarled. He took out his wand and Petrified the jerk. Another possibly unmentioned student cried "You killed Kenny—I mean, Justin!" and took a picture of Harry as proof. Harry petrified him, too.
"Geez, Harry, how will you get off detention for this?" Hermione queried. "I'll just say the Monster of Slytherin thing did it," Harry said cheerfully and went on his way.
That evening, Harry was called to Professor McGonagall's office. "Potter, explain yourself! Two Petrified students all found near you! Can you possibly fathom the sort of damage they do to the floor!"
"It wasn't me, Professor!" Harry whimpered. "It was the Monster of Slytherin, I tells ya!"
From the walls, the voice cried...Asshole…kid…devour…you…all day…ketchup….mustard…devourrrr…
"Potter, what the bloody hell are you blithering about?" she yelled, nostrils flaring and sucking small objects off the floor.
"You know, that thing that crawls around in the walls and talks to me."
She stared at him incredulously. "Potter…you're mad."
"MAD? MAD! I'll have you know I'm—"
"Completely stark raving mad, I know, and a Communist as well, if what Snape says is true!"
Harry paused. Can't argue with that.
"Boy, if you can't prove that there actually is some sort of monster crawling around the school, then I'm afraid you're going to have to be expelled. Damage to students is not taken lightly at this school. We may even tug you out by the ear, Potter."
Damn you…stupid kid…I will…just wait…you….
"But, but you have no idea what this will do to my public image—and my ear!" Harry cried desperately. McGonagall flared up again. "Out of my office, Potter, and if you don't come back with any evidence, consider yourself expelled and ear-tugged!"
And that was that.
Harry now found himself feared wherever he went, since he was so trigger-happy with his wand and eager to Petrify any kid who looked at him funny. They even began calling him the Heir of Slytherin. Harry, of course, lapped this publicity up like honey at first, but found it tiring when everyone began to avoid him. Oh bother. I'm going to have to prove that thing is actually there now, or else no one will talk to me and recognize my fame. Oh yes, and I'll be expelled. How unfair.
Harry wasn't sure where to start, so he decided to take a stroll around the school's many bathrooms. Unfortunately, he ran into that annoying Myrtle character, who sobbed when he told her to bugger off. Oho, what's this? He went over to the sink and saw a laptop sitting on the edge.
Now, Harry had had only one experience with computers at Hogwarts before, during which he and Draco Malfoy had read an enormous quantity of outrageous fanfiction and Harry had smashed the computers in hopes of ridding the world of evil. Even now, he lay in bed sometimes, shuddering and cursing Fanfictionfantom with all his heart for her cruel remarks. Naturally, when he saw that laptop, he froze.
"Oh dear God…" Harry pulled out his trusty sledgehammer, only wishing Rabid was here to help him out with his huge pink machete. But no matter how many times Harry beat that laptop, not so much as a spring popped out. "Damn you, evil instrument of Hades!" He tried splashing water on it, but no results. Finally, he decided to flush it down the toilet. To his dismay, it shot out of the bowl and hit him smack in the face. "WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!" Harry screamed.
Just then Ron came in, holding a makeup case. "Oh!" he exclaimed when he saw a sopping wet Harry kneeling in front of the sink. "H-Harry, I-I didn't know you'd be here!" he exclaimed.
"Ron, what are you doing in a girl's bathroom?"
"Well, me and Myrtle, we like to play around with makeup, a-a-and I could ask the very same of you!" Ron retorted angrily.
"I was taking a stroll and I found this tool of the devil here," Harry said. Ron wrinkled his brow. "I think dad's had one of those before. There's naked women inside." Harry looked at the computer dubiously. "How do you fit a naked woman in there?"
"Dunno, but dad manages, I suppose." Ron said.
"Well, then, by all means, let's go try it out!" Harry cried enthusiastically, no longer scared of the machine.
"Can't, Harry, Myrtle's expecting me, remember?" And so Harry left Ron in the bathroom so he could go try and find these naked women, and perhaps help them get out of the laptop, even though as I keep saying, he is much too young for this sort of thing.
Back in the boys' dormitory, Harry balanced the laptop on a cot and eagerly hooked the plug into a conveniently placed socket. The computer screen flashed into life. "What now?" Harry asked no one in particular. So he wrote in, Where are the naked women?
He waited for a bit…then writing flashed across the screen under his own words: LOL, what naked women? It's just me here.
Are you a naked woman? Harry typed.
OMG, LOL, noooo! I'm totally not, LOL.
I'm Harry Potter.
Oooo, my name is Tom Riddle.
Oh…so…what's up, Tom?
Nm, u?
JC. Harry was getting the hang of this computer lingo. He decided to ask this random stranger if he knew anything about the Monster of Slytherin. And he did.
Oh, lol, I remember that jount! Yeah, haha, when I was at Hogwarts some kid opened the Coliseum of Secrets and like totally unleashed mayhem, lol!
Coliseum of Secrets? What's that?
Why don't I…show you…
And suddenly the writing disappeared. A movie flashed onto the screen. Harry seemed to have found the naked women, but unfortunately, the screen went black again.
Sorry, wrong movie.
And then Harry found himself staring at a kid with dark hair walking around Hogwarts. He passed a younger Dumbledore, who waved merrily at the boy and said, "Fiddle!" and strode into a dark room. "Excellent," the boy whispered, and cried "Lumos!" to illuminate a small house elf bearing a parcel.
"Have you got it?"
"Yes, Master Riddle, I has."
"Well, it had better be the right flavor." Riddle opened the package to reveal a small pastry and bit into it. "Blueberry. Very good." And the screen faded back to black.
LOL, as you can see, it was Rabid who opened the Coliseum of Secrets and let out the Monster of Slytherin. All these lions and tigers got out and lyke maimed 50 people. Some chik died in the bathroom LOL.
So who opened it now?
I dnt knw, lol. Wanna exchange pix?
Harry shuddered. Errr…g2g.
Cya : (
Harry switched off the computer. So, it was Rabid who let loose the Monster of Slytherin. Maybe if he asked Rabid about it, he could figure out a way to prove that the monster actually existed.
He found Rabid inside his hut, eating a small child. "Hello, Harry, how rrrrrrrr goes it bloooood?" Rabid slurred,
"Rabid, did you open the Coliseum of Secrets?" Harry asked rather blatantly.
"Me? Noooo! I was, ngggggh, framed! Raarrrrr!" Rabid was getting increasingly full of rage, and some troll policemen came to take him to Azkaban. "Follow, grrrr, the yellow brick rooooooaddddd, Harry, guts guts freshmeat!" Rabid yelled, frothing. And indeed, there was the yellow brick road leading all the way into the forest.
Harry followed, followed, followed, followed that yellow brick road all the way to as magical land, where a wizard told him that he must use the force, and also that the whole thing was a sham and no one opened the Coliseum of Secrets 50 years ago, and that Rabid was framed, and that the girl who was Moaning Myrtle who seemed like a big plot device was actually killed in a freak plumbing accident, and that the teachers framed the Monster of Slytherin much like young Harry does now, and that you have no idea how much I, the author, was stumped by all these plotholes I had created for myself.
Harry had found the strange wizard extremely useful, but was no closer to achieving fame, wealth, or power. Oh yes, and he still didn't know how to prove the Monster of Slytherin existed. He wanted the wizard of this strange land to follow him home and testify, but the man said he was waiting for some chick named Dorothy, so Harry left alone and defeated. Riddle had lied to him. Even those merry Munchkins couldn't cheer the poor kid up.
Harry went to the library to try and find more information, but Hermione was being so annoying that he just had to Petrify her. The hubbub this deed created was no environment for his research, so he went to bed so gloomy he didn't notice that the whole dormitory was in tatters and the laptop was….
….gone.
------------------
Harry: Way to end it on a dramatic note.
I'll have you know I am the master of dramatic exits!
Harry: Sure…
Oh shut up and let them review. C'mon, folks, I'm beggin ya…I gave you this nice loooooong chapter. Nice long chapter that even has….THE PLOT! Amazing, eh? AND I've got chapters nine and ten written out. I won't update till you guys get me to 80 reviews, I know you can do it! The least you can do is…..
REVIEWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW! (Please tell me if you'd prefer that I just skip my shout-outs and AN's at the beginning and get to the story at once. Think of it as errrrr a fun survey for all! Also, I'm not really happy with the way the story's turned out. My first was better. Should I just delete this and pretend I quit while I was ahead, or what?)
