Mucho thanks to: Katya ( that's the funniest review I've ever gotten), Sabine Strohem-Moss, the pure rose (I didn't know anyone cared so much, haha! I'll probly let the others get a chance to read it before posting this one…it's weird to type it out because it'll be posted by the time you all read it so…damn time paradoxes!), Black Triforce, TheAnonymousOneWhoReviewsSoOften, and Gemma.
This chapter, quickly posted by popular demand, is once again dedicated to the pure rose. Haha, it's alright, you don't have to review more than once. As long as I know people are reading this, I'm fine. Besides it feels like cheating, teehee. But thanks so much! It's long and plotful and very dumb—the chapter I mean. Hope you like it.
Disclaimer: Don't own ANYTHING. Except jeans and this computer. So please don't sue. Now back to your regularly scheduled program…
Chapter Ten: The Monster of Slytherin
Harry entered Nancy's office, nerves tingling. "Why, hello, Harry!" Nancy cried, adjusting his giant golden pilot goggles cheerily. "And what brings you here?"
"Errr…you called for me?" Harry tried.
"Why yes!" Nancy said jubilantly, adjusting his honky doorag. "I'm afraid I have some very bad news to tell you. Your good friend Hermione has been Petrified. Want a lemon drop? Skiffle!"
Harry blinked sheepishly. "Ahh…yeah, about that…"
"Now, Harry, don't be silly! I of course know it wasn't you! You have told us it was the Monster of Slytherin, correct?"
"Er…yes." Jerk! Foolish…boy…I'll kill you…yet…and…devour! Harry gulped. This monster sure got around.
"Well, I propose a safari! A merry monster-hunting day throughout the castle. Lemon drops for all! Neshka! And to lead us on our hunt, I've brought Rabid back from wizard prison!" Nancy indicated to the large lump lying under a blanket. Harry could distinctly hear, "Great man, Nancy!"
And so the school was scheduled to go on a merry monster-hunting day throughout the castle. Harry sat in the dormitory nervously, knowing that if he didn't find out where the damn monster was, no one would believe it existed and he'd be expelled for sure. Sighing, he stroked his unmoving owl, Betsy, some more, when suddenly he hear a big "SQUISH". "Blobby!" Harry cried.
"Yes, s' me. Listen, Harry…you just don't listen do you? You had to come meddle and piss the Master off…"
"You mean—YOU'RE WORKING FOR THE MONSTER? You really HAVE been trying to kill me!" Harry cried.
"No shit, kid. Master didn't want you to come to Hogwarts seein' as he'd heards of your complete lack of common sense, and knew that you'd ruin everything. But you didn't listen to—"
Harry clutched his head. "What do you mean ruin everything? What are you talking about!"
"Crap, I've said too much! Next thing you know, I'll be telling you that the way in to the Coliseum of Secrets is through the laundry room—oops…"
Harry gaped at him. "You're telling me the secret entrance to an ancient coliseum under the school is through a laundry room!"
The mucousy house-elf giggled nervously. "Uhhh…no? Ha-ha-ha." But by then Harry had sprinted out the door.
He came back in and said, "Forgot Betsy" sheepishly before attaching her to his shoulder in a rakish, jaunty, pirate manner. He sprinted back as Blobby scratched his head in confusion and shrugged before disappearing.
Harry ran into Neville in the hallways. "Neville," he panted, "Which way's the laundry room?"
Ten seconds and an explosion later, a disgruntled and sooty Harry continued down the hallway, wondering why today of all days Neville's self-destruct activation code was "laundry".
"A-ha!" Harry cried. "The laundry room!" And yes, so it was. But what now, Harry wonder. What now indeed.
He spotted a very dirty pile of laundry against the wall. But wait…why was it dirty when it wasn't laundry day yet? And why wasn't it in a basket? Suspicious, Harry thought. Very suspicious…He was in the process of clearing the clothes away from the wall when suddenly Ron burst in.
"Harry! Something important's come up!"
"What is it Ron?" Harry yelled.
"Yellow…" pant "…is the new pink!" Ron gasped out.
And that's when Girlyboy joined the party. "Oh, is not!" he cried. "Everyone knows that pink is the new pink!"
Harry sighed and continued looking for the entrance while the two of them fought over fashion. Yes, there it was…a hole in the wall! A laundry chute! 'The Laundry Chute of Hell', read the sign up above the hole. Harry shrugged and slipped inside, with Ron and Girlyboy following.
Falling though possibly the longest laundry chute in the history of mankind, Harry decided to scream, but when that got a bit boring, he began to sing. "HAKUNA MATATAAAAAAAAA! FOR THE REST OF YOUR DAAAAAAAAAAYS! IT'S A PROBLE—OWW!"
For he'd landed, alas, inside a dark, musty room. Ron landed on his shoulders, and then Girlyboy landed on Ron's shoulders, so when Harry got up and began walking thinking he must have looked very intimidating indeed. "For Scotland!" he cried and charged…
…and banged into a wall. "Ouch," Harry complained, but suddenly the room lit up, due to a lightbulb cord in the middle of the room. A cord that had been pulled on by a tall figure.
"Oh please, it's obvious that it's Tom Riddle," Girlyboy rolled his eyes. He quickly—I mean, tragically—lost his memory and was knocked unconscious.
"Yes, it is I, LOL—er, sorry, force of habit," Riddle said quickly.
Ron gasped. "You're Tom Riddle? The most notorious child abductor in all of freakin' Scotland!"
Riddle sneered. "Yes. The internet is a…handy thing…and who might you be?"
"I'm Harry Potter, but some people like to call me the Heir of Slytherin."
Riddle jumped. "You can't be the Heir of Slytherin!"
"Why not?"
"Because I'm the Heir of Slytherin!"
"Oh…so what exactly does the Heir of Slytherin do?"
Riddle shrugged. "I dunno…I just help my great-great-great-great-great-grandaddy with his coliseum business."
Harry scratched his head and readers everywhere joined him. "What the fuck's going on?" he asked.
"You see, Harry," Riddle began, taking out a piece of parchment where he'd written down his bad guy confrontation speech, "I knew that if we ever wanted to get anyone to participate in our family-fun coliseum (kids get in for free on Tuesdays!) we would need contestants."
Harry took the moment to survey the room he was in. It was small and had a hella lotta pipe entrances. So this was how the monster had been getting around school. "I don't understand," he said slowly.
Riddle rolled his eyes. "That's because you're an incompetent fool."
Harry's eyes blazed and he punched the wall. "No one calls me a fool, fool! Now where's the monster at!"
"Monster?"
"You know, the giant snake thing Blobby was muttering about over the summer."
"Blobby! That moron! Listen to me, there IS no snake—"
"No. I wanna do something heroic and I wanna do it NOW!"
"Hold on," Riddle said. "I've got an extremely long list of plot holes to fill." Before he could resume to his parchment, Harry cried, "You villain! No one wants to hear that! They want to see boys fighting snakes!"
Riddle rolled his eyes. "There's no giant snake! How many times must I tell you! He's the Monster of Slytherin! He is Slytherin!" The long-dead boy pointed to a tall, thin man climbing out of one of the pipes. The man grimaced as he wiped his robes of something slimy.
"Hello, Tom. Hey, we have company! Wait a second—it's you!" the man cried. Harry gaped. "You're the voice in the walls," Harry said. "The one who wants to devour me!"
"And you're that IDIOTIC boy who keeps framing me! All I want is a peaceful existence, and you've gone and made me out to be a killer!" Salazar (at least Harry was pretty sure it was Salazar) shrilled. "I've been living here for a thousand years, feeding on the losers in the coliseum. I'm not about to let some little boy spoil that!"
"You eat CHILDREN!" Harry cried. Here was a man to rival Rabid.
"It's not my fault! When the rest of the founders kicked me out because I couldn't pay rent, I had to start living under the school. Do you know how boring that gets!"
"So boring you had to build a gigantic coliseum to entertain yourself?" Ron guessed.
"Exactly! The Coliseum is my pride and joy! And also my food supply! Not counting the dog food…" Slytherin gestured to the cans littering the floor under the weak light of the bulb. "But ever since those DAMNED molemen have been stealing my supply of dog food, I've had to find more and more people to devour, conveniently contradicting the entire storyline and making me the bad guy!"
"The storyline contradicts the storyline," Ron explained ruefully. And was also knocked out. Oh the joy of writing…
"But…I thought it HAD to be a snake, since that would go conveniently with the fact that I can speak Parseltongue!" Harry pouted.
Slytherin sniffed. "I'll have you know I rather enjoy speaking Parseltongue," he said, and nervously glanced around to see if anyone would step up to point out this ludicrous and plotholey coincidence. Fortunately, no one did.
"Errr…is this the part where we fight?" Harry asked. Slytherin laughed. "No, not we. My good assistant Riddle will show you the way to the Coliseum, if you could follow me please…"
And so Harry did, just for the hell of it. The coliseum was huge and full of sand. It also, Harry saw as he was roughly shoved in, contained a redheaded figure. "Ginny? What are you doing here?"
For once she didn't explode. "Well, Tom invited me to meet him here. He's soooo sweet and he loves me and we're gonna get married in Rio!" she gushed. Harry would have rolled his eyes if Slytherin hadn't chosen that moment to release the lions. "Oh, shit…" The lions roared and ran at him.
"No! Wait! Please, don't eat me!" Harry grabbed some sand off the ground and threw it at the nearest lion's eyes. It shrieked and fell to the ground dead. Huh, whaddya know. How the hell did that happen? Harry wondered.
"Harry, help!" Ginny screamed as she disappeared down the second lion's mouth.
"Aw man…" then Harry got an idea. "Hey, Ginny, it's me, Harry. I have luscious green eyes and a pear shaped scar!" The lion exploded, and headless Ginny ran around the Coliseum waving her arms around like a nutter.
"RELEASE THE DRAGONS!" Slytherin called to Riddle from somewhere above.
Harry gulped…this was it. Lions he could handle, especially lions as pussy as that. But dragons? A heavy door opened on the other side of the Coliseum, and noises could be heard in the darkness…
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Harry: What is it with you and all these dramatic endings? This is a parody, you know.
Well, I just thought…you know, if I have cliffhangers, maybe more people would want me to update?
Harry: So? What's in it for you?
I just want my people to
REVIEWWWWWWWW! (or I'll set the pure rose's woogalies on you! Rahhhh!)
Oh and I might be leaving on vacation soon, so possibly no updates for a while. As of now, all my completely written chapters are posted, so even if I don't leave, it'll be a while. Time enough for you to
REVIEWWWWWWWWWW (got it in twice in one chapter!)
