Illusions

Author: Jess

A/N: Thank you for all of the reviews. I love that you are enjoying the story. Special thanks to my betas, Rouch, who makes sure they're all in character, and CSI4nsicAce for making sure my grammar is correct.

Disclaimer: I looked in my wallet, and I still don't have enough to buy the rights to CSI.

Chapter Nineteen

He was dreaming. There was no other way to describe what had just happened. Gil Grissom shook his head and removed his frequent rider card from his pocket. He handed it to the attendant and sat in one of the rollercoaster's open seats. 'Suspended,' he thought bitterly as the ride began.

It wasn't as though this was a first. During the strip strangler case he had been 'given' some time off. That had stung, but not like it did this time. Ecklie's look of triumph upon informing him of his suspension had left a deep pit of acid burning into Grissom's stomach. The man had been entirely too jovial over uttering the words. He could have tolerated being suspended for any case related reason, but being accused of sleeping with a subordinate was frustrating.

'We haven't slept together yet,' he thought angrily and then frowned as he realized he had used the word yet. Grissom sighed heavily as the car began to descend. His greatest fears were being realized. His professional integrity was being torn apart. All that he had worked so hard for over the last twenty odd years would be wiped out because of a perceived indiscretion; all because of his relationship with Sara.

He gripped the harness tightly, trying to let out some of the anger that was building up in him. 'I shouldn't have to choose!' he screamed inwardly. 'It shouldn't be my professional standing or Sara.'

Grissom released his grip on the harness and slumped back in the seat. He felt broken. It was impossible to choose one or the other. If he chose work, he knew it wouldn't be the same as before. He knew there would be no easy way to continue working with Sara. Yet, he wouldn't be able to bring himself to let her move on. If he chose Sara, he feared he would turn bitter towards her, blame her for his professional loss, and ruin any good they had between them. It was a lose-lose situation, and each choice left him hurting the one person he had promised himself he would no longer hurt.

Catherine's voice from years ago rang in his ears. 'Gil…learn to be more politic.' Grissom's eyes narrowed as he mulled the phrase around in his mind. A small smile crept onto his face as the ride slowed down. 'I'll show them political,' he thought, disembarking and heading towards his car.


"He's not leaving," Catherine stated as she closed her office door.

Sara looked up at the swing shift supervisor and brushed the remaining tears from her face. "Huh?" she asked, slightly confused.

"Dr. Doyle," Catherine said and handed her colleague a mug of tea. "He's waiting around for you to come in."

Sara's face scrunched in annoyance and she blew steam from the mug. "He doesn't give up, does he," she muttered.

"I'd say he's rather persistent," Catherine replied. "Ecklie told him you came in awhile ago, but he hadn't seen you. Don't worry, I didn't tell anyone where you were."

"Thanks, Catherine," Sara said and offered her a smile.

Silence surrounded the two woman as each drank their beverages. "Dr. Doyle's the person who accused Grissom of sleeping with me, isn't he?" Sara asked.

"I believe so," Catherine answered. "Did someone else see you inappropriately dressed in Gil's presence?"

Sara shook her head as her eyes narrowed. "You know, he's really starting to piss me off," she informed Catherine. "The attention he gave me was cute at first, but then it was creepy, and right now, I could actually consider harming the man."

"I didn't hear that," Catherine said.

Sara smiled and sipped the tea. "I guess I should talk to the man," she said.

"Talk to, Sara. Don't confront him," Catherine warned the younger CSI. "We don't want to make this worse than it already is."

"Grissom's suspended for having sex with me," Sara stated angrily. "Which hasn't happened! How much worse can it possibly get?"

"You could get suspended," Catherine pointed out. "Or you could aggravate a suspect that appears--"

"—don't say 'taken with me'," Sara pleaded. "I've heard that enough over the past few days to last a lifetime."

Catherine nodded. "Want some back up?" she asked.

Sara shook her head. "No thanks," she said. "I need to deal with this by myself."

She put the mug of tea down and stood up. Exiting the office, she walked down the hallway intent on finding Dr. Doyle. It didn't take her long. He stood by the reception desk in an animated conversation with Ecklie. "Ah, here she is now," Ecklie said. "Sara, Dr. Doyle was looking for you."

Sara forced a smile on her face.

"I believe the two of you need to talk," Ecklie continued. "Feel free to use my office."

"That's very gracious of you," Doyle said, smiling happily as he looked at her.

Sara followed the doctor to Ecklie's office and closed the door behind them. "Who the hell do you think you are?" she asked. Her voice was low but the anger was audible.

Dr. Doyle continued to smile gently at her. He reached a hand out towards her and Sara quickly swatted it away. The doctor's expression changed considerably. "What right do you have to make accusations like that to my superiors? You're ruining a good man's reputation for nothing," she continued.

Rage clouded the doctor's eyes and he chuckled. "A good man?" he asked and stepped towards her, causing Sara to take a step backwards. "Dr. Grissom is using you Sara. To him you are a young, beautiful play thing, and once he is tired of you, he'll discard you like yesterday's paper."

Sara felt her back bump into the wall and narrowed her eyes. "You have no idea what my relationship with Dr. Grissom is like," she growled.

Doyle raised an eyebrow and lifted a hand to her cheek. He moved to gently caress it but Sara yanked her face away from him. Suddenly, his hands slammed onto the wall, blocking her head in between them. "Do you truly think he could love you, cherish you like you deserve, Sara?" Dr. Doyle asked, moving closer, invading her personal space.

Sara placed her hands on his chest and pushed but he didn't move. "His life is his work," Doyle continued, one of his hands trailing down the side of her body. "Where is he now? How do you think he'll react to you once he is back from his suspension?"

She pushed against him again, intent on getting his hands off her. He didn't budge. Instead he leaned in closer, his mouth perilously close to her ear. "Are you worth the risk?" he murmured.

"Go to hell!" she said and forcefully pushed him away, sliding out from the confining space.

"Reality is a harsh truth. But it is one you must learn," Dr. Doyle said, reaching for her.

Sara slapped his hand away. "I would keep you from experiencing this pain, but I can see now that you must," Doyle said and sighed. "I'm sure you have much work to conduct, but remember my words; he can't love you the way you deserve to be loved."

Sara glared at the doctor's retreating form. Unfortunately, she knew Dr. Doyle had accomplished what he had set out to do. Doubts were now lingering in her mind. Exactly how was Grissom going to react to her now?


Sheriff Rory Atwater looked up from the paperwork that he was signing and listened intently to the conversation occurring outside of his office. He heard his receptionist yelling 'The sheriff is not to be disturbed', followed by the door opening. Sheriff Atwater raised an eyebrow at the appearance of Gil Grissom and his receptionist who frantically was trying to close the door.

"It's alright Mrs. Green," the sheriff said and waved Grissom into the room.

Grissom walked forward and sat down in one of the seats in front of his desk. He had been expecting Grissom to drop by the office sometime this evening. "You know the rules Gil," the sheriff stated.

Grissom's expression didn't change as he responded, "There is nothing in the manual regarding relationships between colleagues."

"Gil, you and I both know the implications that a relationship could have in the courtroom. Defense lawyers would use your relationship with CSI Sidle to discredit all work that she partakes in," Atwater answered reasonably. "Her skills as a CSI will be called into question. As will yours. Marjorie Wescott already did it once."

"Sofia is more than capable of being in charge of Sara's reports and reviews," Grissom returned. "That should counter any claims about bias on my part and Sara's skill as a CSI."

"Grissom, I don't think that will be enough," the sheriff began.

"Then I will need to give my notice," Grissom stated.

Sheriff Atwater blinked. He briefly wondered if his hearing was giving out. There was no way Gil Grissom had just threatened to quit. The man was glued to the job. "Excuse me?"

"My notice, Rory," Grissom repeated. "I am not letting you or anyone else at the lab decide how I should live my life outside of work. I suppose I'll need to inform the different grant committees and trustees of my notice also."

The sheriff looked sick. "Listen, Gil, we don't want to lose you," he backpedaled. "You're important to this lab. We'll make this work."


Conversations were going on around her, people were walking back and forth, but it was all muffled, like a weird dream that she was unable to wake from. Sara looked down into the mug of coffee and watched the steam rising off of the amber liquid. A frown settled on her face as she realized that she didn't want to be there. Work was supposed to be her comfort, the one place she could go and feel safe. Right now, she felt anything but safe.

She looked up as Greg walked into the break room. "Bugman is suspended?" he asked Nick.

Sara looked back down at the mug.

"Does anyone know why?" Warrick asked.

'Because of me,' she thought angrily. It took all of her control not to fling the mug across the table. She looked up at Catherine, afraid that the woman might let the reason for his suspension slip. Catherine offered her a small smile of support before responding, "No."

"Who's going to be in charge of nightshift?" Greg asked and took a seat beside Sara.

"Isn't Grissom in charge of nightshift?" Sofia asked as she walked into the break room.

The members of both swing and nightshift all shook their heads. "He's suspended," Nick replied.

"What?" Sofia asked and sat down.

"That's what I said," Greg remarked and turned to look at Sara. "Hey, you okay?"

She tried to respond, but nothing would come out of her mouth. She looked back at her mug and fought back the tears she could feel building up. Keeping her eyes averted, she tried not to let her momentary weakness to be seen.

"It'll all be okay, Sar," Greg said, putting his hand reassuringly on top of hers. "Bugman is tough."

"I know," Sara replied, embarrassed that her emotions were showing. She forced a smile at him and then took a quick sip of her coffee.

"Ecklie hasn't informed anyone of who is in charge?" Sofia asked.

Everyone nodded.

"Typical," she muttered.

Silence engulfed the room. "I don't think anyone here is paid to sit around and drink coffee."

All eyes locked on the doorway, jaws slightly open in disbelief, as they watched Gil Grissom enter the break room. "Well?" he continued and motioned to the group.

"What…? I thought you were suspended," Greg said, articulating what everyone was thinking.

"I was," Grissom replied and walked towards the coffee maker. He looked back at Greg. "Is it safe?"

"Yeah, Catherine brewed some of my Blue Hawaiian," Greg explained with a grin.

"Uh, Gil, I think we all need an explanation," Catherine said.

Murmurs of agreement followed from everyone except Sara. Grissom looked at her. She hadn't looked up from the mug in front of her, and her hands were locked around it, the knuckles slightly white from her grip. He looked at Catherine. "I decided to become political," he said and poured coffee into a mug. "I talked to the Sheriff, and informed him if he had a problem with my personal life, then I would need to look for another place of business to work, and that I would need to take all of my grants and funding with me."

"Ouch," Catherine replied.

"Personal life?" Nick asked Warrick who simply shrugged

"Apparently, I bring in a nice chunk of money to the lab," Grissom continued and then looked at the slips of paper in his hand. "Sofia, you have a breaking and entering in Henderson. Greg, you have a hit and run on East Flamingo, between Mc Cleod Drive and Eucalyptus Avenue. Sara, Brass got the warrant for Christine McGraw's home."

When no one had budged, Grissom sighed. "Let's move people," he prodded. "These cases are not going to solve themselves."

Greg and Sofia promptly took their assignment slips and left the room. "I'm going to look over the photos from the Jefferson case again," Warrick stated and rose.

"I'll help you, Rick," Nick said and followed him out of the room.

Catherine rose from her seat and smiled at Grissom. "Getting your head out of the microscope and learning to play politics," she said. "I'm impressed."

Grissom watched her leave before turning his attention to the young woman still glued to her chair. "Sara…"

She looked up, her face void of any emotions. "I'm ready," she stated and rose.

Grissom nodded and followed her out of the room. They collected their kits and walked out to the Denali. "You drive," she said as they put their cases in the back.

He closed the door and looked at her. Anxiety was etched into her every feature. Nodding, he watched her walk to the passenger side. Concern drifted through him as he took his seat and started the car. They rode in silence while Grissom strained to find the right words to say. It was Sara who eventually broke the silence.

"I never thought about the political side of a relationship with you," she admitted, her eyes locked on her hands.

He cast a quick glance at her and could see her battling something internally. "You losing your job, your standing," she continued and then looked up at him. "This could ruin your reputation. And you've worked so hard for that. God, Grissom. If you want out of this…"

Her voice trailed off and she looked out the passenger side window. He looked back at her and could see the tears sliding down her face in the reflection. Without thought, he cut across the two lanes of traffic and pulled into the nearest parking spot. She looked at him questioningly.

Any response she would have voiced was cut off as his lips came crashing down onto hers.