The Liberation of Dick and Jane

This is Jane.

Jane is a nice girl.

Jane is what Mother calls a “pain.”

This is Dick.

Dick is Jane’s brother.

Dick is what Mother calls a “rebel.”

Dick does not like being confined to straight, proper grammar.

Jane talks on the telephone.

Gab, Jane, gab.

Jane talks for over three hours.

“Jane,” says Mother, “It is time to hang up.”

Jane does not hang up.

She does not want to hang up.

Naughty, naughty Jane.

“Mom,” Jane whines, “Erin’s telling me about the mall.”

Mother does not like Jane to talk back.

Jane is naughty.

Jane gets her phone priveleges revoked for three weeks.

Jane kicks the wall and screams.

Jane is naughty.

Do not be like Jane.

Dick plays Halo 2 on his X-Box.

Game, Dick, game.

Dick blows up many aliens.

Dick gets a new ray gun.

Hurrah, Dick! Hurrah!

Father does not like to see Dick glued to the television.

“It’s time to get off now, Dick,” says Father.

“No,” Says Dick. “I can’t save the game yet. Hang on.”

See Dick goof off.

Goof off, Dick, goof off.

Dick is not listening to Father.

Naughty, naughty Dick.

See Jane chat online.

Chat, Jane, chat.

Jane types “C U L8R.”

Jane’s Editor catches her.

“No, no, Jane,” Says the Editor. “You must not use coarse shortcuts. Write “I will see you later.”

“No way, dude,” Jane says.

See Jane rebel.

No, no, Jane! Do not rebel!

Naughty, naughty Jane. She is turning into a snot.

Mother and Father decide that it is time to have a talk with Dick and Jane.

The family sits at the table.

“Now,” Father says, “You two have been naughty.”

Dick and Jane scowl.

They do not like to be lectured.

“You must not spend so much time talking on the phone, playing X-Box, and chatting online.” Father says.

Father is not happy with Dick and Jane.

Dick picks his toes. He is not listening.

Do not be like Dick.

Jane twirls her hair.

She is not listening either.

Do not be like Jane.

“Furthermore,” Mother says, “I think Dick and Jane need an extra activity. They spend too much time saying that they are bored.”

“Would you like to tell Mother and Father what is wrong, Dick?” asks Father.

Dick nods.

Nod, Dick, nod.

“I feel constrained by the starchy language we are unfairly forced to use in our everyday lives,” Dick complains.

This is a hard sentence to read.

Get a grown-up to help you.

“So do I,” Jane says. “I can’t stand the way we have to act all perfect and dress all perfect. Once in a while I want to wear a T-shirt, for Pete’s sake.”

Mother and Father think about this.

Think, dudes, think.

This will make Dick and Jane happy.

Mother and Father buy Dick an electric guitar.

See Dick riff.

Riff, Dick, riff.

Dick, that is like, so sweet, dude.

Mother and Father take Jane to the mall.

See Jane hang out.

Hang out, Jane, hang out.

Jane goes to Limited Too, Claire’s, and Aeropostale.

Jane finds a shirt.

OMG, Jane, that is like, so cute!

Dick and Jane are happy.

So are Mother and Father.

THE END