Disclaimer: the next instalment of HALO: Combat Devolved. Enjoy!
HALO: Pillar of Goths
The steam curled around the SPARTAN. Camera no. 6 pans round for a view behind the Master Sith.
"Hey Master Sith, good to see you again!" said a nearby Tech, who will be known as Tech 3.
"The Dark side calls to you" replied Master Sith.
"Eeeerrr, sure" said Tech 3 "Anywho, we have to do some testing. Please go over to the big square thing over there (Tech 3 points at big square thing) so that we can test you targeting thingymatchigy for some unknown reason". The Master Sith and Tech 3 walk over to the test station and the Master Sith stands in the big square thingy.
"Please look at the shiny red lights, Master Sith" asked Tech 2 in the Cryo box thing. Tech 3 stares at the shiny red light things.
"SHINY RED LIGHT THINGS!" muttered Tech 3, froth coming out of his mouth.
"I meant the Master Sith, not you!" complained Tech 2.
"Sorry" apologised Tech 3.
The Master Sith completes the test and earns his Boy Scout badge.
"Okay Sith, we have to go check your Shield strength and all that complicated stuff" said Tech 3. Tech 3 moves to the Shield strength test station, followed by Master Sith.
"Please stand in the big red square" asked Tech 3. Master Sith complies and the big arms thingy's that surround the Master Sith start to charge up the Master Sith's Shield.
"Feel so strong…" said Master Sith "Feel so powerful… so much power!" then the arm thingy's destroy MS's Shield.
"Vile arm things! Feel the Darklords power!" Yelled MS. MS brings out a lightsaber and cuts the arm things to microscopic pieces.
"Eeerrr, is he okay?" asked Tech 3 to Tech 2
"I see now" said Tech 2 "someone put the entire Star Wars film collection into the DVD Player on continuous loop again". Tech 2 takes the DVD out of the DVD Player and the MS turns back into the MC.
"Whoever did that is going to pay!" threatened MC
"I KNOW! IT WAS YOU!" yelled Tech 3, pointing an accusing finger at MC.
"Hey! I was in the Cryo pod! I was out cold!" complained MC
"And what kinkyl fun we had to!" said Tech 3, a hint of perverseness in his eyes.
Then Evil Tech 4 appears next Tech 2.
"Oh hi Evil Tech 4, what are you doing here?" greeted Tech 2
"He he he! It is I! I put the DVD into the DVD Player on continuous loop so that I could use Master Sith to take over the Universe!" said Evil Tech 4. Evil Tech 4 sees that Master Sith is back to being Master Chief.
"Aw, Crapfuck" said Evil Tech 4, and disappears. Then some Covenant Elites start bashing the door down to kill Tech 2 in the Cryo Control.
"O-h n-o" slowly yelled Tech 2, deliberately "I'-m g-o-i-n-g t-o d-i-e a h-o-r-r-i-f-i-c d-e-a-t-h f-r-o-m t-h-e E-l-i-t-e-s P-l-a-s-m-a R-i-f-l-e-s e-v-e-n t-h-o-u-g-h t-h-e-r-e i-s a d-o-o-r r-i-g-h-t n-e-x-t t-o m-e- t-h-a-t I c-a-n u-s-e t-o e-s-c-a-p-e! A-a-a-g-h-!-!"
Then the door imploded and the Elites shot Tech 2 for being so stupid.
"WE'RE GONNA DIE, I mean, this way to the Bridge, Chief" said Tech 3. Tech 3 ran to the door, stopped in front of it, and turned to face the MC.
"Why are you stopping?" asked Chief
"Due to poor programming, I stand here moronically staring at you for half an hour" answered Tech 3.
Exactly half an hour later…
Tech 3 is looking at his watch.
"Ah, here we go" said Tech 3, getting out the script "ahem, come on, this way!"
Tech 3 goes through the door followed by MC.
"MUST RUN INTO IMMINENT FIERY EXPLOSION!" yelled Tech 3, running at the door at the far side of the corridor, froth violently coming out of his mouth (have you always wonder why he does that?).
Tech 3 turned to face MC. The door imploded and Tech 3's lifeless ,non dismembered or bloodied body landed exactly 2 metres from the now imploded door.
"What-an-idiot" said the MC.
The MC ran up to two pipes and jumped over them into the next corridor. The MC ran through a door and saw a battle raging in front of him between Covenant forces and Human defenders.
"EVIL COVENANT SCUM! DIE!" yelled MC, MC then ran up to the Covenant, and was stopped by an invisible wall.
"DAMMIT! STUPID CRAPPY GAME PHYSICS!" yelled MC. MC then spotted a doorway that led to an Armoury.
"GUNS! DEATH! PAIN!" yelled MC, running into said armoury. What the MC found there instead were injured Marines, barricades and nude pictures.
"DAMMIT! NO GUNS EQUALS NO PAIN OR DEATH! SHIT!" yelled MC. Our Hero continued forth with his quest, the quest to get to the bridge (Monty Python and the Holy Grail music starts playing). MC went through a door at the far end of the Armoury. Another battle raged between the two factions. Two Blue Elites and Four Grunts were busy shooting the cowering Technicians. For some stupid reason, possibly crappy programming, the Technicians were in the middle of the floor with their hands over their heads, getting pwned by the Covenant. Then, a totally random Technician, ran up to the blast doors, which were closing, stopped, and yelled;
"Wait for me!", before getting pwned by an invisible Plasma Grenade that exploded ever so conveniently behind him.
"MORE EVIL COVENANT SCUM! DIE!" yelled MC. MC ran up to the Covenant, and it is needless to say what happened then. After an hour of walking through hallways, attacking groups of Covenant troops and being stopped by invisible walls, the MC finally came to the Bridge. MC stalked up to Keyes.
"Captain Keyes, aka Monkey crap" said MC.
"Kuwabara kuwabara" said Keyes, his hand reaching down and touching MC's crotch.
"Eer Sir? I think that's from another Video Game" said Cortana.
"Video game?" asked Keyes, confused. MC held out his hand and Keyes shook it. MC pulverised Keyes arm to dust.
"Er, some grip you've got there Chief" said Keyes, amputating his arm, which mysteriously re-grew seconds later. Cortana suddenly appeared in the Holographic Pedestal.
"Sleep well?" asked Cortana.
"Was it you who was making me dream that we were having hot, steamy and exotic sex?" asked MC
"Maybe" replied Cortana, mischievously.
"Kinky" stated MC.
Then the Pillar of Goths shuddered from an explosion.
"DAMAGE REPORT!" squeled Keyes.
"Sir!" yelled a Technician "the big Mac'n'cheese is offline!"
"Sir, the big Mac'n'Cheese was my last defensive weapon" informed Cortana
"That's it, I am ordering Cole Protocol Article B. We're all going to… DISNEYLAND!" ordered Keyes.
"Actually, Cole Protocol Article B is 'abandon ship'. 'Going to DISNEYLAND!' is Cole Protocol Article C, you stupid sheep shit" explained Cortana.
"Riiight, anywho, Cortana, sort out some of my favourite alcohol and weed concoctions. Daddy needs his happy juice!" ordered Keyes
"Do you want me to lock in some landing co-ordinates for the Pillar of Goths while I'm doing that?" asked Cortana.
"Eer, that to" said Keyes. Cortana disappeared.
"That's where you come in, Chief. Get Cortana off this ship. If the Covenant finds her, they'll Cyber rape her. As Kinky as that sounds, the Covenant will learn our troop deployments, how to make rubber gloves, and (shudders)…. My favourite alcohol and weed concoctions" said Keyes
"What about Earth? And why is there a Christmas Tree on the Bridge?" asked MC. As one, Keyes and the Bridge Crew turned towards said Christmas Tree.
"Christmas Treeeee!" chorused Keyes and the Bridge Crew, froth coming out of their mouths. Keyes shakes his head. "Earth? That gets pwned at the end of Halo 2
"Nuh uh"
"Yea huh"
"Nuh uh"
"Yea huh
"Nuh uh"
"Anywho, here's my pistol" said Keyes, giving MC his Pistol "I don't keep it loaded cos' I'm a n00b"
"Why don't you keep it loaded? What if the Covenant came into the Bridge now?"
"Cos' I'm a n0000b! and I've been programmed by the HOLY BUNGIE PROGRAMMERS" yelled Keyes, turning to a shrine for the bungie programmers, entitled, 'Shrine for Bungie Programmers'.
"Well that explains why this game is poorly programmed, with lots of stupid AI's and Invisible Walls" said MC
"DO NOT INSULT THE SACRED BUNGIE PROGRAMMERS! THEY ARE VERY HOLY and, eer SACRED!"
"Ooookay" replied MC
Then Cortana reappeared and Keyes's alcohol and weed concoctions appeared on the big glass monitor.
"Ooooh, Lager and LSD" chimed MC.
"Yes, that's my favourite experimental concoction. I invented it when I went to a kinky fancy dress party. Damn, I can never forget those Midget sadists, or their leather clad Queen, who had a whip!" reminisced Keyes. Everyone was looking at Keyes.
"EEERM, LOOK OVER THERE, A GIANT DANCING MONKEY" yelled Keyes pointing in a random direction. Everyone looks in random direction. Whilst everyone is looking in random direction, Keyes hides behind the Christmas Tree.
"GIANT DANCING MONKEY! WHERE?" shouted MC. MC sees that there is no Giant dancing monkey.
"Dammit! He lied to us!" complained MC. MC leaves the Bridge. Keyes comes out from behind the Christmas Tree.
"He he! My Christmas Tree disguise worked! (Keyes sees that everyone is looking at him) Damn! My Christmas Tree disguise is defective!"
Meanwhile, three Grunts are searching for the Bridge.
"Where is the Bridge?" asked Grunt number one.
"Me don't know!" said Grunt number 2. Behind the trio, a huge neon sign with flashing lights around it reads 'BRIDGE'. Grunt no. 2 then moves across a beam that sets off a recording of Cortana;
"Welcome to the Bridge. Covenant and Salesmen are not welcome. Especially Salesmen selling double-glazing. We already have Double-glazing, dammit!"
"INVISIBLE HUMAN!" wailed Grunt no. 1
"RUN AWAY!" screeched Grunt no. 2
"DOUBLE-GLAZING SALESMEN!" squeled Grunt no. 3. The Grunts run around in a circle, panicking. The MC comes in and sees the Grunts panicking. MC pwns them.
"That was easy" said MC.
"We have to get to a Life-Tug and get off the Pillar of Goths" explained Cortana "I have found a Life-Tug… here" a Navicomp appears in MC's HUD, over 37 Kilometres away.
"… How long is this ship?" asked Chief.
"Exactly 37 Kilometres, 2 Inches and 1.5 Centimetres long" replied Cortana. MC travelled through the ship, pwning Covenant, posing, and bumping into Invisible Walls. Eventually, MC and Co. made it to the LifeTug.
"Hang on a minute, the LifeTugs just launched" stated Cortana "there's another LifeTug, exactly 2 feet from the Bridge"
"Why didn't you tell me that there was a LifeTug exactly 2 feet form the Bridge?" complained MC.
"I was being Evil" explained Cortana, and another Navicomp appeared in MC's HUD.
Eventually, the MC arrived back at the Bridge where a huge battle was being fought.
Then MC saw his arch enemy, Evil Elite 1337 Pwning King.
"Demon! Hiss!" yelled Evil Elite 1337 Pwning King.
"Evil Elite 1337 Pwning King! Hiss!" yelled MC
"Oh no, hissy bitch fight" said Cortana.
"ENERGY SWORD ATTACK!" yelled Evil Elite 1337 Pwning King.
"ASSAULT RIFLE ATTACK!" shouted MC. Evil Elite 1337 Pwning King sprang towards MC, brandishing his Energy Sword. MC fired his Assault Rifle at Evil Elite 1337 Pwning King.
"DODGE BULLETS FROM MASTER CHIEF'S ASSAULT RIFLE MATRIX STYLE ATTACK!" yelled Evil Elite 1337 Pwning King, dodging MC bullets matrix style.
"Nice attack name!" complimented MC.
"Thank you!" replied Evil Elite 1337 Pwning King.
"STICK PLASMA GRENADE TO EVIL ELITE 1337 PWNING KING'S FACE ATTACK!" yelled MC sticking a Plasma Grenade to Evil Elite 1337 Pwning Kings face.
"Aw crapfuck" said Evil Elite 1337 Pwning King "I'll be back!"
Evil Elite 1337 Pwning King blew up into tiny microscopic pieces. The Plasma Grenades explosion set Johnson's drapes on fire. Enter Johnson.
(In high pitched girly voice) "Squeal! My drapes are on fire! Squeal!" Squealed Johnson. Everyone in the Universe and beyond turns to stare at him.
"Eeer, look over there, it's, umm, a distraction!" said Johnson. Everyone continues to stare at Johnson.
"Amateur!" said Cortana.
"I'd like to see you try!" challenged Johnson.
"LOOK! CAPTAIN KEYES RUNNING WITH A CHRISTMAS TREE IN HIS HANDS WHILE FROTHING AT THE MOUTH!" yelled Cortana. Everyone looks in direction that Cortana pointed.
"Eeer, yeah, shut up" said Johnson, looking stupid. Johnson then ran away making Monkey noises. Everyone looked back and saw that Johnson had fled. Then Captain Keyes really did run by with a Christmas Tree in his hands while frothing at the mouth, but no one noticed cos' they were busy pwning each other.
Meanwhile, MC had reached the LifeTug. As he stepped in, a Marine, who was covered in blood and gore jumped in behind him and fell to the floor, screaming. A huge wave of Covenant forces ran towards the Marine. The MC grabbed the Marine and threw him into the Covenant force, where he was ripped to pieces in a very Zombie movie like way. Then MC closed the door.
"Punch it!" he said to the Pilot.
"Aye Sir!" said the Pilot. The LifeTug launched. When the LifeTug was a save distance away, we see the Pillar of Goths move past the LifeTug.
"I knew it, Keyes is driving drunk and high again" stated Cortana, pointing out the obvious.
"Is this the eleventh or twelfth time he's driven drunk and high?" asked MC
"Nah, it's the fifteenth" replied Cortana. The LifeTug began its decent into the Bagels atmosphere.
"You'd rather not take a seat?" asked Cortana
"We'll be fine" replied MC, grabbing hold of a lever marked 'DO NOT TOUCH THIS LEVER OR EVERYONE IN THE LIFETUG WILL DIE A HORRIBLE DEATH'.
The LifeTug passed through the Bagels atmosphere and everything goes black.
Disclaimer: Wooow. Two thousand, two hundred and ninety one words! To everyone who reads this story: REVIEW DAMMIT!
