Disclaimer: this chap has more Monty Python references. REVIEW!
DONUT
We see the LifeTug speed over a cliff. Onboard, the Pilot yells;
"Damn! The airbrakes are failing...deployed too soon. We're losing her! Brace for impact!" Then everything goes black.
Several minutes later…
"Hey, wake up, fat ass!" said Cortana. MC's wakes up and his eyes re-focus.
"The others…scanning… it seems they died from high velocity wounds, most likely falling from a great height" said Cortana.
Master Chief hastily removed his hands from the Emergency Hatch.
"Really? I wonder how that happened? Anywho, we have to scarper quickly, before the Covenant get here and pwns us" said Chief, whistling suspiciously, walking out of the LifeTug. The MC gathers supplies, carelessly stepping on the mangled bodies of the Marines, making lovely squishy sounds. After gathering Ammo, Grenades, etc, the MC walks up to the brown metal supports that link on side of the valley to the other.
"What is the point of these supports?" asked Cortana.
"The supports are there for PLOT CONVENIENCE" said the Bungie Writers.
"Couldn't you just edited out the valley instead?" asked Cortana.
SLAP!
"Do not question the Bungie Writers! Anyway, we think it looks nice!" said the Bungie Writers. Unfazed by this, MC starts to cross the supports. Halfway across the supports, Plasma bolts strike the support just behind MC.
"It's a bird… no, a plane!… no wait… A GIANT SAMURAI SWORD WIELDING MOTH!" cried Cortana. MC reaches the other side of the Support/Bridge Hybrid.
"Or it could just be a Covenant Dropship and it's Banshee escort" explained MC.
"Oh yeh, hadn't thought of that" relied Cortana.
"Must fire potentially lethal Plasma guns at Enemy, but miss every shot!" yelled the Elite in the Banshee., firing his Plasma weapons, but missing. MC shoots at the Banshee with his Magnum, and after an entire clip, smoke starts pouring out of the Banshee. The Banshee turns around and fired its Fuel Rod Cannon and Plasma Cannons at the TOTALLY IMPERVIOUS ROCK, not even denting it. The MC reloads his Magnum and Pwns the Banshee.
"OWN3D!" yelled MC, his fist in the air. The Dropship unloads a squad of Grunts and an Elite, then leaves. The Covenant gather round in a small group and admire the dead bodies.
"Oooh, deeeaaad Huumaans!" said one such Grunt.
"Can't… resist!" said MC, taking out a Frag Grenade. MC primes the Frag Grenade and throws it like a Cricket Ball at the Covenant squad. The Frag Grenade lands amongst the Covenant. A Grunt looks down;
"Uh…oh"
WHUMP! Bits of Grunt and Elite fly everywhere.
"And if we replay that, we can see that he has some good spin on that Frag Grenade!" commented a Cricket Commentator. On screen, the MC throws the Frag and it lands in the Covenant squad. The Grunts eyes widen as the Frag comes to a halt in front of the Grunt. 'Uh…. Oh' repeated the Grunt, and the Frag explodes, sending body bits and gore flying.
"D00d, like, OWN3333D!" yelled MC, running across the Bridge to collect the Plasma Grenades. After collecting the remaining Plasma Grenades, MC went back over the Bridge. The MC came to a giant boulder with some trees further up the valley. A Covenant squad can be seen running down the valley. MC takes cover and a Red Elite comes round the boulder. MC jumps out and Bitchslaps the Elite to death. The MC continues up the valley, Pwning Grunts as he goes.
Eventually, MC reached a GAINT STRUCTURE THAT SHOOTS BLUE ENERGY BEAMS INTO SPACE FOR SOME POINTLESS REASON. In a clearing, a Covie Dropship drops it's troops off and flies away. MC ran into the clearing and threw a Plasma Grenade at the Red Elite. The Plasma Grenade explodes, killing the Elite.
"Omigod! D00d! Look! (Grunt points at dead Elite) the Red Elite just got OWN3D!"
The Covenant crowd around the dead Elites body, not noticing the Frag Grenade in their midst. A Blue Elite says;
"I guess that leaves me in…"
WHUMP! Goes the Grenade, setting the Plasma Grenades off as well. Covenant gore fly everywhere. MC jumps out of his hiding spot and walks over to Sergeant Avery J. Johnson.
"How's it going Sergeant?" asked Cortana.
"It's bad, ma'am. We're scattered all over this place. We called for evac, but before you arrived, I thought we were gonna get melted down and turned into Plasticine!" replied Johnson.
"Eeeek! Covenant Dropship inbound! WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!" squealed a Marine. The Covenant Dropship lands and drops it's load and flies away really fast. MC and the Marines take out the Covenant troops and another Covenant Dropship unloads its troop complement. Eventually, the last of the Covenant resistance is silence and Cortana remarks on the battle;
"Why did you Covenant Dropships come in one by one? Why didn't they all just come at once and overwhelm us?"
"PLOT CONVENIENCE!" yelled the Bungie Writers.
Then, three LifeTugs storm over the clear blue sky, leaving white, fluffy vapour trails behind.
"Nice description!" admired Cortana.
"Thanks!" thanked Author.
"Anywho, why are there still LifeTug's coming down, when we were in the last LifeTug?" asked Cortana.
"PLOT CON…"
(Interrupting) "Oh yeh, your precious 'Plot Convenience'" mocked Cortana. Pelican 419 flies over the MC.
"This is Pelican 419, is anyone reading me? Over"
"Foehammer! Hiss!" hissed Cortana.
"Cortana! Hiss!" replied Foehammer.
"Ah crap, hissy fight" interjected MC.
"CHAINGUN ATTACK!" yelled Foehammer, firing her Chaingun, missing MC by inches.
"TAKE CONTROL OFF PELICAN ATTACK!" yelled Cortana, taking Pelican 419. Foehammer takes back control.
"You won this time, Cyber bitch!" said Foehammer.
"Just deploy the Warthog, slag!" countered Cortana. Pelican 419 deploys the Warthog, picks up survivors and leaves.
"Alright, we have to go and rescue the survivors" said Cortana.
"Do I get a choice?" asked MC.
"No" replied Cortana.
"Fine (takes out two Coconut half's and bashes them together. MC starts to move as if he is on a horse. Monty Python and the Holy Grail music starts to play) onward to Camelot!… I mean, to the survivors!" said MC. And thus Master Chief's great quest continues, and…
(Interrupting) "Chief!" yelled Cortana.
"What?" said MC.
"The Warthog" stated Cortana.
"Oh that!" said MC.
(Gets into Warthog) "Ready?" says MC to Johnson.
"Sure am!" replied Johnson, getting out two Coconut half's.
MC slams the accelerator down and the Warthog lurches forward. Johnson bashes the Coconut half's together at a faster pace and Monty Python and the Holy Grail music starts to play. The MC and Co. reaches a tunnel.
"This tunnel was made artificially, not naturally" stated Cortana.
"You'd think?" countered MC. The Warthog continues forth.
"I've hacked into Halo 2 Live and other online games… we've now got free lifetime subscription. They're transmitting billing information on unencrypted channels; lets show them who they're dealing with! Also, I'm going to use your suits COM to steal Credit Card numbers.
"Whoa, free lifetime subscription! I mean, and what about the Covenant?" asked MC
"Them? Scanning… they're mostly playing Halo 2 Live and looking at nude pics of each other (long pause) He he, they pissed now! I've just pwned the Fleet Commander at Halo 2 Live, raided his personal files and posted nude pics of him and his wife, a foursome with Truth, Regret and Mercy and of him and a Grunt called Yayap in a hot tube. I've also stolen all his Credit Card numbers!" said Cortana.
(REALLY impressed) "Whoa, foursome, I mean did that in two seconds?"
"Yep"
"Whoooa"
The MC and Co. came to a big empty room with a big gap in the middle, and pwns all the Covenant forces. Then the MC and Co. see an old man by the gap. Then the Gunner gets off the Warthog and walks up to the old man.
"Stop. Who would cross the Bridge of Death must answer me these questions three, ere the other side he see" said the old man.
"Ask me the questions, old man. I am not afraid" said the Gunner.
"What... is your name?"
"The Unanimous Marine who will get killed"
"What... is your quest?"
"To kick Covenant ass!"
"What... is your favourite colour?"
"Blue"
"Go on. Off you go"
"Oh, hey, thanks" thanked the Gunner, crossing the Bridge. MC and Johnson look at each other.
"That's easy!" said MC, driving the Warthog up to the old man.
"Stop. Who would cross the Bridge of Death must answer me these questions three, ere the other side he see"
"Ask away!" said MC
"What... is your name?"
"Master Chief, SPARTAN 117, John"
"What... is your quest?"
"To kick Covenant ass!"
"What... is the air-speed velocity of a Banhsee?"
"What do you mean? Halo or Halo 2?"
"I don't known that!.. AAARGH!" yelled the old man, falling into the pit of Dispair.
"How do you known so much about Banshees?" asked Johnson.
(Picking up Gunner) "You have to known these things when you're the Master Chief" said the Master Chief. The MC and Co. continued forth on their quest.
MC and Co. exited the tunnel and reached the first LifeTug that conveniently landed next to ANOTHER POINTLESS STRUCTURE THAT FIRES POINTLESS BLUE BEAMS INTO THE SKY.
"There are marines hiding on that hill" informed Cortana.
"Nooo, you'd think!" said MC.
The MC and Co. battled they're way through the level, until they reached a crashed LifeTug by a cliff.
"Hmm...there's no bodies. They must've left the area" Said the Gunner.
BITCHSLAP!
"Overstating the obvious is MY job..."
"Yes, ma'am" said the Gunner.
The MC and Co. moved off and found YET ANOTHER POINTLESS STRUCTURE THAT FIRES POINTLESS BLUE BEAMS INTO THE SKY. The MC and Co. liberated the POINTLESS STRUCTURE THAT FIRES POINTLESS BLUE BEAMS INTO THE SKY of Covenant forces. Then the Marines and Technicians that been hiding under the POINTLESS STRUCTURE THAT FIRES POINTLESS BLUE BEAMS INTO THE SKY, came up and surrounded the Chief.
"All right, everybody into the Pelican" ordered Chief. Just then a severally wounded Grunt came round a corner. Two seconds later, all the Marines and Technicians, apart from Johnson, lay dead.
"Crap" said MC, getting into Pelican 419, after pwning the Grunt. Pelican 419 flies away.
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