First Kiss
By Dimgwrthien
Disclaimer: I do not own any of the Harry Potter characters you recognize. Don't sue, please.
Author's Notes: Written for a Livejournal Community, Harry Potter 500. The challenge was "first". First kiss came to mind, and then I took my favorite new ship. Except for Lupin and Tonks, of course.
Neither of them had ever kissed before. As it turned out, it was a much harder thing to do than anyone had ever thought.
"Your head goes this way, I think."
"No, yours goes this way! Mine goes that way!"
"I'm supposed to tilt my head this way. Yours goes like - oh! Did I hurt your neck?"
"Ouch!"
"I think I may have a book somewhere that can help -"
"No, I can get it -"
"Please, don't - oh, look at what you did! Your neck is going to be stuck like that."
"Damn it, woman -"
"Well, your cat isn't going to provide anything better now, is she?"
"Leave my cat outta this! It's not her fault you can't remember how to kiss anyone after years of being out of practice -"
"I'm the one out of practice? I'll have you know -"
"I'm not interested in your sexual activity with the students, thank you very much."
"Oh, you -"
"Don't you dare come near me with that book!"
"It would be covered in your remains if I did hit you with it!"
"PUT IT DOWN!"
"No, you should be able to protect yourself. But then, again, you are a -"
"Don't bring that up! The students shouldn't know."
Snorting. "You think they haven't noticed already? You're pathetic at cleaning -"
"My cleaning has nothing to do with - Did you just insult my cleaning?"
"Yes. Yes I did. It's dreadful."
"At least I can clean -"
"It is your job to clean this room, I hope you know, you lazy, despicable, little -"
"Stop that!"
"I'll stop when I want to stop!"
"No! Not the book! Ow, that hurt! Stop it, woman!"
"You - are - a - lousy - piece - of -"
"Stop it!"
"It's not like the students are going to be turning me in for this -"
"I will then!"
"Where's the proof of anything happening, eh?"
"The bruises on my head - Oh! Stop that!"
"You're a lousy kisser!"
"I still love you! Please, stop."
The book dropped. "You… love me?"
"Yes, I do. Just as long as you don't have a book in your hand."
"I - I've never heard anyone say that to me in years. Oh. You're too sweet."
"Just keep that monster away from me."
"And you keep that dusty cat away from my library. Oh, when she crawls around." Shudder. "It sets my flesh crawling -"
"You leave the books and I'll leave the cat."
"Alright. And please, don't come onto me like that again."
"You came onto me!"
"You were onto me, you old man! You've been following me and now you're trying to -"
"Don't finish that sentence."
Madam Pince and Argus Filch never kissed again.
See? I havea sickly demented mind when it comes to challenges. Haha. How many people did I squick?
