Thoughts
Silly. So it is silly. I wait for you to come. I am standing and looking out of the window. And you are not coming home. Each time I imagine, that I will never see you again. That you will never come home. I begin to cry. For me you are everything. And if you will not be in my life, I have no reasons to live.
Pain. Loneliness. Fear. I lived with this so many years. I have wasted so much time. I struggled for a life, knowing, that you are somewhere beside me. I searched too long for the love though everybody told me not to do it. I stepped on a dangerous ground. Because of this I was transferred to Las Vegas. Because of this it was too heavy for me to find common language with the team.
You were different. Successful. Cheerful. I hated it. You were favorite, event if you didn't wanted it. Simply you are what you are. You are a little sun. For me at least.
When I have understood, what I am in love with you? Probably, after Nick's kidnapping. I've understood it and I was frightened. It is not normal. Not right. Immorally. But the more I tried to convince myself of unreality of this, the more I fell in love. I tried to be more often near to the team, to be able to see you.
Than I saw you kissing a girl. That moment the world has swayed. I understood, that, most likely between us nothing can be, but while you were alone, there was a hope. Then I have decided, that there's no need for me to live. I have decided to finish with this all this once and for all. And came on the roof of laboratory. I stood and saw, how cars roll by. It was late. I saw, that people gather below. I saw Warrick, Catherine, Sara among them. I was ready to make a step when has heard a voice. Your voice. You came to the roof. You tried to convince me to not jump. To not do stupidities. And suddenly I began to live again.
When I came down from a parapet, you've embraced me. And I understood: you knew. Knew for a long time, but did not dare to admit it, as well as I. You searched for love, but haven't found it. You didn't let the paramedics to take me to hospital, you told them that you will take care of me. Grissom didn't argue.
That day changed everything. We have not need to hide from ourselves, only from all other world. On work we putting on masks and we playing contenders.
I hate to be alone. And you are too often on the case. The days like this on, in the evening, I stand at a window. And cry. It is not important, when will you come, because I will wait for you anyway. You enter and embrace me, as you see me crying. And the loneliness goes away. At least for one day.
