Title: Demons from the past

Rating:PG-13

Disclaimer:Not smart enough, or enough money so it ain't mine. DAMN YOU WHEDON!

Summary: My first real sequel, all others have been fakes, kind of an AU of S7 so a bit more original than most.

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Walking through the cemetery seemed to be one of the most difficult things she's had to do. That's saying something knowing what she's had to face.

Each step brought the slayer closer toward some nameless thing that terrified her. Something, or someone she never really knew how to deal with. One moment he's your enemy, next he's taking a beating for you.

And it always scared her, not knowing how to deal with things. That's what her life was built around, deal with things, dealing with evil, fighting until she won. But face her with something she can't fight, define or deal with, that scared her like nothing else.

Like right now.

That's right, she was scared out of her mind. So much that she had to force every step, fighting her instinct to turn and run. She didn't want to be here, didn't want to be doing this, taking this long walk. Hellgod, giant demon snake, hormonal sisters, anything but this.

It was completely ridiculous, she could face things that would make any grown man cry, but actually have a real conversation with someone, especially with Spike, that seemed beyond her.

Spike.

She couldn't even fathom it. The fact the creature that she was searching for now, was the cocky vamp she knew and lo…loathed. It didn't seem possible. But she guessed an eternity in hell would do that to a person.

Her brain blocked her grasp of the meaning behind it, being in hell. She couldn't imagine it, or didn't want to. Just thinking about it brought tears to her eyes. Which was strange, she was almost weeping for a vampire. Buffy couldn't do that though, sum him up as just some vamp. He was more, he meant more to her.

But how much?

She smiled sadly, after everything, she still couldn't put them into terms. What she felt, what she wanted. It didn't seem right, It had been easy before. After their first kiss she knew she loved Angel and said it out loud, even after he left. She discovered her love for Riley and admitted it easily, even if he didn't believe it.

But with Spike, she couldn't even comprehend it. Just thinking about it made her confused. Could she do it, love a demon, someone who killed far more than a century.

The devils advocate in her head brought Angel up. //But he had a soul, he felt remorse for what he did, and was forgiven.//

That didn't deter the opposing voice. //But Angel didn't kill anyone, Angelus did. Angel feels guilty, not Angelus.//

Buffy stopped for a moment remembering that night she felt everything Spike went through the day he left. //Spike got his soul because he felt guilty for what he'd done. The demon had sought to be what she deserved.//

But what did she deserve?

Shaking the thoughts out of her head she tried to focus, forcing herself to move forward again. Why was it so hard, why did it have to be this way? Why couldn't she just love him?

Her thoughts stopped her again. Buffy stood in shock for a moment as she realized what she just thought. Her mantra had gone from 'why could I just get a normal guy' to 'why can't I just love him'.

Forcing herself to move forward again, long hard steps to go along with the intensity of her thoughts. //She knew why she couldn't, she's the slayer, it would go against everything she is and everything she believed.//

Buffy's faced scrunched as she felt the thinness of the argument. //Since when did love have to do with duty or beliefs.// For the first time she really started to see how Spike loved, without restraint, without boundary or condition. Not caring who she was or what he was.

Buffy slowed her walking, softening her footfalls as the thought washed over her. Finally really understanding what he meant. He truly was loves bitch, he would do whatever it commanded, bend to it's will, accept it's pain and joy. It would tear him from the inside out and all he would do is embrace it. Angel left because he couldn't see their future with the obstacles in their way, Riley left because he couldn't accept the love she was willing to give. Spike was a completely different animal all together, he took what she gave, love, pain, anything and everything.

Was that what really scared her? If she loved like he did, would she lose herself in him. Would she cease to be Buffy and be content to just be his.

The slayer almost stumbled when she felt his faint presence. From the looks of where she was in the cemetery he was in the same place she found him last time.

What was she going to say, "hey found out who you were, real sorry for everything. I have feelings for you even though you're a demon and I don't know what to do."

Buffy followed her senses until she caught sight of his for sitting on the same tombstone with his back to her. She froze and things stilled.

Everything from the last few months came rushing into her mind, and she almost slapped her forehead. How could she not see it. But it was clear that she didn't want to see it. To see the possibility that he could change so much. Into something filled with so much pain and anger.

As she drew closer she heard him humming the same song as last time, only now she finally recognized it. That night, so long ago, Willow was catatonic, and they were getting nowhere with the research. She had walked in on him, or rather, his body making the huge mural that temporarily cost her the life of her sister. She had been so stunned, but somehow she remembered the tune he had been humming as he used his blood to burn the mural into the stone.

He was singing the same song now. It's words carrying the heartbreak to her ears. Before she knew it she was three feet away from him.

"…how could you use a fair maiden so."

The stillness settled in making the cemetery seem more dead than ever. Unable to think of anything else she spoke.

"Hey Spike."

Buffy almost jumped at his reaction. She could see every muscle pull into tension, but he didn't move. Seeing that he wasn't going to say anything she sighed and moved to sit the next tombstone over. The cemetery noises, crickets and the rustle of leaves slowly stilled as if eager to listen in on the upcoming conversation. He was the first to speak, his voice just a whisper, but seemed to vibrate everything around them.

"How?"

His first words seemed only to call on an anger hidden deep within the slayer.

"Does it matter?"

It silenced him, but she could slowly start to feel the anger slide off him. Looking up in front of him he answered.

"You're right it doesn't."

He got up and began to walk away. Stunned of his unresponsiveness she jumped and nearly sprinted to catch up. Her desperation fueling her angered words.

"What no hello. How ya been. What's new?"

Not slowing down she opted to grab his arm and stop him. But before she could his cold hand was rapped around her throat, his voice still a whisper but the anger in it was easy to recognize.

"What do you want from me?"

Her smile was angry, she had gotten a reaction. When he let go she pushed away. breathing hard Buffy spoke.

"Oh nothing, just wanted to shoot the breeze, talk about good old times. Like the time you killed my sister, or how about turning my best friend into a catatonic mess. Or everyone's favorite, how about the time you tried to rape me."

She knew they were hollow words, but she used them, trying to get that cocky, angry vamp to come out. He just stood there. Not getting anything she continued.

"Nothing, I'm hurt. No 'I'm sorry', 'please forgive me'. Telling me how much a bitch I am, how much you hate me, how much you love me. Are you even him!"

She was shaking with each word, the anger pulsing through her. He on the other hand stood still as a statue. The anger leaked out of her when her words did nothing. Tears began to well in her eyes.

"Are you still the one who tried to kill me, who kissed me, made me feel alive. Is he still in there?"

Her voice was weak and shaky from the tears sliding down her cheeks. She had wanted to know that he was still there, that some of him had been left. But he did nothing. His voice caught her off guard.

"You done?"

The coldness in it made her defeat seem final. Taking her silence as an answer he began.

"No."

It was like the word had been set in stone.

"I'm still the one who tried to kill you, who kissed you, who made you feel alive. Only a eternity older if not wiser. So, no, I am not that him anymore."

The slayer couldn't think of anything to say to that.

"Do you still love me?"

If there was any way to describe his posture it would be surprised, but his voice hadn't changed.

"Yes I still love you. I thought that was painfully obvious. Even when I didn't even know my own name I knew that I loved you."

She could feel the anger start to rise off the words. Punctuating the last word he turned and began to stalk off again. But her desperate voice stopped him in his tracts.

"Then why?"

The calculated slowness which he turned to face Buffy made the fear rise in her chest. The quiet rage behind his voice didn't help either.

"What?"

Pulling up her courage she ventured the question again.

"Why didn't you tell me who you were?"

There was absolutely no sound throughout the whole of the cemetery. And for a moment she could almost feel the rage ripple through the air.

"How dare you."

It was the first time since he arrived that she could actually hear the emotion effect his voice.

"How dare you!"

His hand suddenly went through the nearby tombstone, shattering it like glass. This wasn't exactly the reaction she had been expecting. Slowly he advanced on her.

"How dare you ask me why, after everything, everything that's been said and done. You have the gall to ask me possibly the stupidest question I've ever heard pass from your lips."

Backing her up against a tree. The insult didn't even call up the anger that would have jumped out she was so shocked.

"But since you don't seem to be grasping the obvious today I'll tell you. You want to know why I didn't tell you. Why I didn't tell all of you."

He was pacing, his voice deep and dark. He stopped and seemed to stare straight through her when the next words were uttered.

"Because I don't trust you."

Her fear addled mind cleared at that.

"What?"

He began closing the distance between them.

"Too many times, I thought I earned it, yours or theirs, too many times I thought I earned trust. And just as many times I've had that illusion shattered with a word, or a fist."

His shadow covered face was a mere few inches in front of hers when he finished. The direction of the last word wasn't lost on her. His voice suddenly became smooth and the hate behind it could be clearly heard.

"I remember the first words that came out of Harris's mouth after you were brought back. He warned me not to start my obsession with you again. That was after I had saved the watchers hide that very night. That was after the countless times I saved all their lives. I thought they trusted me. Why wouldn't I. They let me comfort Dawn, let her cry into my shoulder. But within a minute I was back to being a disgusting creature. Then I realized they let her cry into my shoulder because they didn't want to deal with it. Because they didn't have the time to consol a broken teenager, so they left it to the evil demon."

His darkened face that for some reason she could not make out clearly got closer.

"They used me. And when they were done, they threw me away. Sound familiar?"

He turned away and walked a few feet before stopping.

"It didn't matter that I had fought for five months by their side. It didn't matter I helped them for no real reason. It didn't matter how much good I did. I was in the end just a demon. Unable to feel anything real. It didn't matter to them, It didn't matter to you."

He turned to her again.

"So don't ask me why. Not when you know exactly what everyone would say if they knew."

Pushing the words past her throat.

"But you trusted Willow…"

"She kept the secret out of guilt, nothing more."

His interruption silenced her. She knew he was right. But they weren't unjustified. Quietly she started.

"Spike, you're right, we all used you, I used you. But you can't blame us for not trusting you. Because it's true, in the end you are a demon."

She had to force the words, but she believed them. They couldn't trust him because they always knew that he would one day betray them.

"And thus I didn't deserve it?"

Looking him where she thought his eyes were, trying to convey her honesty.

"You would have betrayed us sooner or later, so no you didn't."

His laugh made her falter for a moment.

"You're right, in the end I am a demon, so theirs always the chance I would betray you, so thus I didn't deserve it."

She was pinned by his gaze, not moving from the tree behind her, it's bark scratching her back. He was closing the distance again.

"But then which one of you deserves the trust you give each other."

He placed a hand at each side of her head, leaning against the tree.

"The watcher, who leaves you when you need him the most. Betraying you on more than one occasion. Dawn, putting you all in more danger than she's worth. Tara, nearly killing you all with her spell. Xander summoning a demon that killed a unknown number of people. Willow, well, we all know what Willow's done. And you, putting them all in danger every day. So yeah, I don't deserve your trust, but neither do any of you."

Almost on instinct she retorted.

"But you're a demon."

She cringed at the weakness behind it.

"Yeah your right."

He stood still for a moment.

"So it doesn't matter if you hit me, abuse me, use me. Doesn't matter if you rip out my heart with words. I'm dead inside remember, I can't feel anything real. No good in me RIGHT!"

He shouted the last word that almost felt like it caused the earth to tremble. It resonating with the words that struck her, showing her the false truth to her words. They all used it as a way to justify what they had done to him.

"You trust each other because you love and care about each other. But me, I'm just a demon. Not capable of true feelings or doing good..."

Her whisper was the one this time to stop him.

"I know that's not true. I know your love is real now."

He seemed to deflate a bit.

"I'm sorry"

That caused his head to jerk a bit.

"I'm sorry I didn't see it, I didn't want to believe it. It meant that if you could love me, then Angelus could to."

His voice and breathing calmed a bit.

"Buffy you have to understand, no matter how much they are alike Angel and Angelus are not linked. I know, Angelus may have all of Angels memories, but he is not Angel. No more than Spike was William."

Buffy leaned against the tree, wearing a smile of pain and just looked down nodding. No longer bothered with his closeness and no longer feeling threatened. The slayer let the words wash over her, feeling a hidden knot inside her release, and the soothing stretch after years of being tied.

"I was telling the truth, I couldn't love you because I couldn't trust you."

He bowed his head nodding.

"But I trust you now."

His head shot up at that. For a long moment they stared at each other.

"I…"

"Don't"

It was a weak plea that echoed in the air stopping her. Not taking any head she pushed on.

"I'm trying to say that I…"

He pushed away from her starting to walk away, but as if he couldn't make up his mind he turned again to face her.

"DON'T YOU DARE LIE TO ME! Don't you make everything I've done, everything I've fought for, suffered for because of my love for you worthless by lying to me like that!"

He chose that moment to try and end the conversation by walking away but she wasn't done. Buffy yelled after him her anger renewed.

"Who the hell do you think you are! Telling me not to tell you how I feel. How I could feel if you let me!"

He whirled around and angrily stomped back to her.

"Alright then you tell me right now that if he came back, wanting to be with you. Soul permanent or not, wanting to love you unconditionally. Tell me that you wouldn't be in his arms in a second!"

He was pointing at her with a clawed hand. Buffy's eyes widened at the realization.

"So this is what this is all about, feeling second to ANGEL!"

They faced off, each in the others face.

"No this is about who you are in love with, who you want to be with. And I know for a fact that it isn't with anyone but him!"

She was about to speak but he cut her off again. His voice defeated.

"You can't tell me that you wouldn't because you know somewhere in your heart there's sixteen year old girl still hopes that he'll come back and want to be with you."

It silenced her, his words joining the rest in ringing true. He began walking away again, this time without her following. He slowed again and turned slightly so she could see the void the darkness left to shroud his face.

"I said once that If I couldn't have al of you then I don't want you to be with me. And it still goes. I love all of you, and I can't believe you might… not when part of you is waiting for something that will never come."

He stared at her for a moment before turning and continuing the walk. Desperate she yelled after him.

"SPIKE!"

He didn't slow and soon was engulfed by the night. Angrily she tried to wipe the tears from her face, but in vain, because she hadn't noticed she was sobbing. Stomping away in the direction of home, the slayer nearly broke when she realized.

He doesn't believe her love for him was real.

Irony.

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A/N: THAT WAS THE LONGES F**KING CHAPTER YET!

I hope you all like this chapter, if you don't well you can kiss my a** (Damn ff.net censors) I spent the last week on this chapter because I didn't want to just rush through it.

And now for the thank you's. Thank you to my readers, especially to jwood and Aeneas.

I command you to read Aeneas's stuff, wonderful writing.

I also command that you review and read all my favorite storis and all my favorite authors. GO NOW.

In closing, It looks like I'll be doing a chapter about every weekend so that's what to expect.

REVIEW DAMNIT!