Feel

I realized… this fic has been fermenting for a LONG time. I reread chapter 2 so that I could get back into the feel of it, and realized that. In fact, from when I am writing this, the beginning of chapter one was written a little over a year ago. In fact, it was on the upstairs computer before I weaned myself off it to be on this computer now. '

Unfortunately, the computer on which I am now does not have the technology to create CDs. cries

And yes, my name is Courtney. I am a short (4'10"), half-Caucasian, half-Chinese girl that everyone but Dr. Fleming and Bob the Awesome Flamboyantly Gay Substitute thinks is Hispanic. The other child is Conner, my adorable little brother who is hitting 5'8" and will soon be a foot taller than me. I resent. But then again, I get to embarrass him when movies that I really want to see come out, like, say, the Yugioh movie. While I was jumping around, yelling about 'Blue Eyes Shiny' and having ten-year-olds stare at me like I was crazy, he got to order drinks and pretend that I did not exist. --

And this has been posted Wednesday night, most likely, the night before I get to wake up at three-thirty in the morning to get on an airplane to Florida for the Orchestra trip. I'm posting this now because that means I get to open my email when I get home and see many reviews… or, at least a few.

Note: "Something written in italics and quotations is spoken in English." So therefore, Ryou would not be able to understand it.

Oh, and I found out that golden week takes place between April 29th and May 5th, wherever those days may be. I've decided that for this fic, time will follow the 2005 pattern, and April 29th will be the Friday before they came, so that way Golden Week will end Thursday, as it does this year.


Chapter 3

Like


Monday

During orientation, Honda-kun, Mokuba-kun, and I sat there, staring and wishing for an event to happen, or at least I was. I mean, I was actually wishing for something to explode or a blackout or something that did not end in my demise—again.

The three of us were with Namakura-san's grandchildren. She herself did not feel like going to the orientation. That was all this was—an orientation meeting. The actual dueling started tomorrow morning. But I felt obligated to go, as did Honda-kun. Mokuba-kun was going to go anyway, probably for some technical reason that I would never understand. Also, being polite guests, we volunteered to chauffer Courtney-san and Conner-san, who had wanted to go. I was not quite sure why, and Courtney-san ended up pulling out a book that was written in English. Conner-san was watching intently. He looked like a duelist. Not the swagger that I mentioned earlier, but his eager eyes indicated it. He, Honda-kun, and Mokuba-kun talked. Err, Mokuba-kun acted as a translator and added in his own opinions. They got by somehow.

"Conner mostly wanted to come." Courtney-san said to me in, once again, rough and basic Japanese. "I am interested a little in the actual dueling, but I'm here to watch him." She indicated her brother.

"What grade are you in?" I asked. I was curious.

"My senior year of high school ends in about a month." Oh yeah, American schools have semesters instead of trimesters. Weird school system.

"Our third year just started."

She nodded in reply and then paused. "Is there some tension between you and Kaiba-san?"

I blinked. "Why?"

She shrugged. "You seemed a little awkward when he was talking to you."

"Well, he is a little scary to have looking at you."

"Yeah," she agreed. "I noticed that too. But it was a different awkward, not so much that you were afraid of him as something else."

Shit, did she know? I heard that some girls have excellent gaydar, but how? And it's not like I am completely gay, am I? I mean, sure the only person that I have ever been attracted to was a guy, but still!

Calm. Calm…

"I don't know." I answered finally.

"It's hard to, sometimes, and probably best that you don't." She paused and closed her book, making sure the bookmark was firmly in place. "It's better to be cautious than to jump right into something that could leave you broken."

I don't know why, but hearing it from someone else, even this girl that I did not know, made it seem all the more plausible. I looked down at the stage area where the duelists were gathered. Kaiba-kun stood a head above almost everyone else, so he was not that difficult to spot. Perhaps it was a figment of my imagination or a product of biased thoughts based on the previous conversation, but he seemed so much clearer now, so much more refined and so much more lit by the spotlights than any of the others. Perhaps it was a product of the previous conversation, but my heart began to beat quicker than ever.

If I was this far gone, why did I even try to stop it?

Good question, but also quite easy to answer. I was scared. I am scared, still. Not only because I was suddenly finding out that I was gay, but because of who it was. That coin had two sides. I already had established that he is the rival of my friends. However, I also feared his reaction if he ever found out. All of this somehow tied into the random bouts of desperation lately.

I did not love him. It was merely attraction on the physical level. However, the more I learned about him, the less I seemed to dislike him. In fact, I was to the point of acceptance, though prejudices are difficult to forget, as Thoreau said. He said many things that made sense.

I was afraid that if I did learn about him, I would fall, and that would force me into an abyss from which there was no escape.

Have I accepted that I was gay? Perhaps. That is not really something that you can do all at once in a situation such as this. It has to come gradually. Even if you say the words, there are still thoughts otherwise in your mind.

I really needed to come to terms with myself.

"Does he like you?"

I shook my head. That was an impossibility, and even with my coming acceptance, if I were to find out that he did right now, I would have to reject him. That may sound horrible to some, but it was how I felt.

I am quite finicky, aren't I?

"Do you like him?"

"No," I whispered verbally. No, it just hurts.

She answered in English, probably just a mumbling of my apparent stupidity. That's how I would react to me right now.

"Liar."


In the pamphlet we received about the trip, it recommended to bring clothing for Golden Week festivals that would be going on at the time. Anzu-chan jumped at the chance to pick out what sort of traditional yukata (a more casual type of kimono) would look good on each of us. Mine ended up being light blue (more like white with a slight tint of blue) with light silvery-gray sakura petals sewn into it. I suppose it looked good, and if I had even thought of going against Anzu-chan in the decision, I would no doubt be in no state to attend any festivals right now.

I even had getas. You know, the little wooden sandals? Anzu-chan went all out.

After the orientation, we went back to Namakura-san's home. On the way back, we noticed shops setting up stands. Since everyone, with the exception of Kaiba-kun and myself, seemed to be very excited, they decided that we would all go in a group. The festival was going to last all week, so I did not see what the big hurry was.

I got my bath at least. That was what mattered.

It embarrassed me to go back to the room without wearing a shirt, but I had gotten it soaked by accident. Plus, I would be changing straight to my yukata, so it shouldn't have mattered.

I slid open to door to reveal Kaiba-kun about to leave. We stared at each other a few moments as I realized that he was already dressed in a dark blue yukata with white oriental dragons sewn in.

I then realized that I was only half dressed and squeaked. He must have heard the sound because his eyebrow raised in what may have been amusement.

"I'll move out of your way." He slid past me.

I was dumbfounded. Blushing profusely, I ran into the room and slid the door shut quickly behind me. Ah, Ryou, you're such an idiot! I got dressed into my yukata without any words and my head hung a little low.

I would not allow myself to dwell on the fact that I thought that Kaiba-kun looked very good just then.

I got frustrated with myself quite easily.


Namakura-san, being far too gracious to us, gave us some money to buy something with. She even gave some to Mokuba-kun and Kaiba-kun. We tried to deny it, we really did, but old women can be scary if you go against them.

"Bakura-kun!" Courtney-san came running up to me, looking a lot more comfortable in a yukata and getas than I felt. Hers was pink with white sakura petals and the iroha verse written in hiragana. The iroha verse was a simple verse that even most children know about striving to keep ahead in life. I think I memorized it when I was a child and we were forced to in school, but I'd forgotten it. There had been more important things happening in my life.

I looked out of curiosity to see what how everyone else looked in theirs. Mokuba-kun was in a dark orange-red, which surprised me. Yuugi-kun was in a really dark shade of red, Jounouchi-kun in a standard green, Honda-kun in an olive that matched his eyes, Haga-kun was in a mint green, Ryuuzaki-kun in a reddish-brown (I had halfway forgotten that those two exist), and Conner-san in a darker green. I found it amusing how the siblings were so different, despite looking so alike. The sister so readily immersed in the Japanese culture and the brother awkwardly wading along, looking like someone who would rather be playing sports (as Courtney-san mentioned that he liked doing).

Perhaps that is why the two younger boys got along so well. According to Courtney-san, Conner-san liked sports and video games. He also did excellent on his homework. He and Mokuba-kun sounded so alike, with the exception that the former was quieter.

I don't know—people interested me. Sometimes.

When we actually got to the festival, which today was commemorating our Constitution Day (1), the others all ran off to do whatever it was they wanted to do. I think I saw the two younger ones running off to the shooting games. What was important, however, was that they left Kaiba-kun and I alone.

Some higher being was laughing at me, wasn't it?

I wasn't brave enough to strike up conversation, so we walked in silence for a little while. I don't know why I was walking with him and I don't know why he didn't tell me to get lost. We were just silent. Perhaps it was because we came together and both did not really want to be there, we were thus grouped together. Plus, I really didn't want to be alone. You never knew what sorts of people were out there.

"Mokuba likes festivals." I was startled at Kaiba-kun's sudden words. "We differ on that opinion." His voice was low, calm, and in no way like a murderous teenage corporate executive officer who would kill me if I so looked at him wrong. Okay, perhaps that last part was a slight exaggeration, but it did not feel like that sometimes!

Nonetheless, I was compelled to continue on the subject.

"I remember that I liked festivals as a child," as I imagine you would have, had circumstance not incurred, "until my little sister died, and then I stopped liking them." Yeah, circumstance was at work here as well. It made me remember Amane, and it hurt badly in my heart.

"You had a sister?"

I nodded. I explained to him my past, not just my sister, but about my parents as well. It was strange, because I had not told anyone about Amane before, and I had not planned on telling anyone, let alone the young man that was talking to me. One thing just led to another. Perhaps I just wanted to get it out to someone, finally, so that someone may be able to understand me. But why Kaiba-kun? Ah, perhaps that was because he was the one that my past was most similar to.

Perhaps it was a product of the earlier conversation.

But to his credit, he was far more understanding than I would have ever guessed of him.

I enjoyed the conversation. Kaiba-kun could be a wonderful person if in the right setting. I may even have had a few moments when I fell for his charm, but I wouldn't try to stop it, even if it were just for tonight, and tomorrow he would forget it all. At least I would remember.


That night, it was obvious that the younger boys had worn themselves out. Mokuba-kun fell asleep almost right away. It was cute and I briefly wondered if Kaiba-kun had ever, as a child, had so much fun in one night that he just fell asleep out of exhaustion when he got home. But the moment of earlier was forgotten and he returned to the Kaiba-kun that he normally was. I knew it was a mask now, possibly more than any of my friends.

I liked the Kaiba-kun that I had talked to earlier. I was reluctant to guess how deep that word 'like' fell. It was already established that he was attractive, but as far as I could tell, I did not like him. However, the evening had been an anomaly. I enjoyed being around him, possibly even more than I enjoy the company of Yuugi-tachi.

We were not even friends, Kaiba-kun and I, so I could not contemplate that line between like and friendship.

Perhaps I was delving too far into this. Yes, that would be a much more logical answer. Never mind that I usually worked by my own logic, I was fairly certain that this would be logical in anyone's logic. I was digging too deep, thinking too much of it, setting myself up to be hurt. Perhaps I was trying, subconsciously, to find something that did not exist. I did not quite know what that something was, but there was a searching deep inside of me.

If I thought too long on this, I might obsess, and I might create synthetic, unreal emotions. That would hurt us both.

I should stop thinking about it.

If this were a movie or a dramatic book, I would tell him that I enjoyed myself tonight and then leave coolly, leaving him to his thoughts. However, this was not either of those and I could not leave suddenly. I could not gather the courage to say something like that.

I really needed to just go to sleep.

"At least you don't seem sick anymore."

"Hn?" I mumbled, sitting up to address him.

"Earlier, you seemed sick." Kaiba-kun, who was at his computer at the time, looked over at me. I could feel my heart speed up.

"Yeah, well, I really don't know what that was." I laughed nervously, unsure of what to say, exactly. Why was he being so personable? Okay, so maybe that wasn't quite the word, but… more talkative? More normal? "Shouldn't you get some sleep? I mean, you have the tournament tomorrow." Why was he staring at me? "I mean, normally, people need sleep to function, and, um—yeah." I grabbed my pillow and buried my face in it, setting up figurative neon signs that I was blushing. Ah, good job, Ryou.

"Does it disturb you?" Wait, was he actually worrying about my welfare?

I lifted my face up, despite that I could feel that it was still warm. How could he make me feel so giddy? "No," I shook my head, "I can sleep through a Jounouchi-kun-rant, so light and computers don't bother me."

"Make inu." He mumbled, turned back to his computer and clicking a few things. A few seconds later, I heard the unmistakable sound of it shutting down. Was he really taking my advice? He, Kaiba Seto, the person who neither gave nor took advice and did not care what others thought? And me, Bakura Ryou, the little white-haired girly idiot?

Maybe I would let that 'make inu' comment slide.

He turned out the light and sat on his sleeping mat. I turned the other way as I heard him slide off his shirt and lay down.

"Good night," I said quietly, staring at the wall and afraid to look the other way. I was also afraid that he would strangle me as soon as the words left my mouth.

"Hn." That was all he needed to say. My heart calmed suddenly and I smiled. I did not know why, but I smiled softly and closed my eyes as I buried the side of my face into the pillow.

Kami-sama, was I starting to like him?


Tuesday

"Kaiba-teme, you insensitive jerk!"

This was what I woke up to the next morning.

"What happened?" I asked, sitting up and rubbing my eyes sleepily.

"Absolutely nothing." Mokuba-kun answered, slipping on his sandals. "I'm going to breakfast."

"Wait up, I'm coming too." I did eat dinner last night at the festival. It wasn't much, but I didn't usually eat much anyway. Plus, I didn't want to look like I ate a lot in front of Kaiba-kun. Nonetheless, I felt very hungry now.

I slipped on my sandals and followed Mokuba-kun around Jounouchi-kun and Kaiba-kun, who were right outside the door, and to the dining room. Yuugi-kun and Honda-kun were attempting to quell the fight.

Haga-kun and Ryuuzaki-kun were nowhere to be seen. How the hell could they sleep through that?

"Do they normally act like that?" Namakura-san asked.

"Yes." Mokuba-kun and I answered at the same time. We both sat down and started eating. "Itadakimasu."

"Bonkotsu duelist."

"Bastard, don't call me that!"

The American siblings walked in, the younger yawning, "What's going on?" and the older kind of making growling-choking noises.

Yuugi-kun came in at this time, looking tired. I couldn't imagine why. Then, an idea seemed to strike him. "Jounouchi-kun," he turned back to them, "breakfast!"

Jounouchi-kun just sniffed the air and I prayed that Kaiba-kun wouldn't make any comment to that. I think Mokuba-kun was doing the same thing. The blond then just walked away from Kaiba-kun and sat himself at the table, looking, well, hungry. "Itadakimasu!" He then started eating at a great rate, so I made sure to keep to my part of the table.

"Ma'am," Kaiba-kun asked, "may I eat in my room?"

"Yes, you may," she smiled.

"What, too high and mighty to eat with us?" Jounouchi growled, taking a breather from his breakfast. I quickly weighed my options between eating isolated and getting my hand chewed off. The former seemed a lot safer. Looking at Kaiba-kun, he seemed to have about the same idea.

"I have a webcam meeting with the person I left in charge of the company while I was here." He said this curtly and it made me decide to just stay where I was and not move. Definitely not draw attention to myself.

"Oi, Bakura-kun, does he act like this all the time?"

Crap.

Attention turned to me and I was frozen. What should I say? Hell, to be truthfully stereotypical, what could I say? They were both staring at me!

I decided to answer with, "Ano… n-not really." Crap, everyone was still staring at me. Ah, why couldn't they just stop? Jounouchi-kun had his eyebrow raised, Kaiba-kun looked just cold, and everyone waited for me to say more. Damn you, Jounouchi-kun! I will kill you. I know where you live! You'll wake up at night and see me with a knife.

"Ah, I need more groceries." Namakura decided to break the silence. Kami-sama, Ra, Buddha, God, Virgin Mary, Allah, et cetera, bless her for her interruption.

"I'll go run an errand!" I volunteered, seriously wanting to get out of this.

"Have you eaten enough?" She eyed my half-empty plate.

"Yes, ma'am." I nodded. Plus, you know, if Kaiba-kun was having a meeting, I couldn't exactly interrupt him, anyway. Being in the same room may mean death.

"I'll go too!" Mokuba-kun jumped up. Yay, now I could have someone to talk to! That was a plus, I guessed.

"Okay then, let me write out a list." She searched for paper and a writing utensil.

Mokuba-kun and I relinquished our places and allowed the siblings to sit down. I looked over my shoulder. Yuugi-kun and Honda-kun had started eating and Kaiba-kun was already gone.

We took the list, she gave us some money, and we were off. Mokuba-kun had terrific conversational skills, much like his brother when the time was right. We talked about what his plans were and what mine were at first, and then music. But then he asked a question that bothered me.

"How do you feel about Seto?"

I could tell from the look on his face that he wasn't asking a question quite like Courtney-san had been asking. He was merely wanting to know if I was willing to accept his brother as a person.

"He's a nice person if you really get to talk to him," I answered simply.

Mokuba-kun smiled. "He really is." He looked up at me, something I feared he wouldn't have to do much longer if he grew to be as tall as his brother. He was already hitting growth spurts. "I assume that you two got to talk last night at the festival?"

I nodded and smiled back, remembering. I couldn't help but let a little blush come to my cheeks, and I was sure that Mokuba-kun noticed. Ah, why did these things happen to me?

We made it to the grocery and ran through the list, buying the items. When we got to the register, Mokuba-kun counted out the money. But then he took some of his own money out of the wallet and added it. I couldn't help but wonder at the act as he received the change, about a fourth of what she had given us. "Here's Namakura-san's change." He noticed my look of curiosity. "It's what Seto would have wanted me to do, and any more would make it seem really suspicious." He grinned.

Ah, so he paid for a part of the groceries himself. I was wondering to myself how rare a chance this was, to see how the Kaiba brothers acted away from the public and underlings. I wasn't sure if you could consider it lucky, however, because it just confused me. The Kaiba brothers, especially the elder as of late, confused me a lot.

"He likes you, you know, my brother." Mokuba-kun broke the vocal silence of walking back to the house. The plastic bags made plenty of noise otherwise. "If he took the effort to talk to you last night, then that means he likes talking to you."

I once again got to contemplate the meaning and depth of the word, 'like.' The words Mokuba-kun used described 'like' as in a friend. (2) However, because I swear that I've heard more English in the past few days than in the rest of my lifetime, I remembered that the word 'like' has many different meanings in English, including one to indicate friends and another to indicate romance. Wouldn't having both of those meanings come from that one word be confusing? This once again proved my theory that whoever invented the English language was crazy. This did not even include the other meanings of the word.

I could tell that Mokuba-kun was asking the silent question of whether or not I was willing to be Kaiba-kun's friend. If the opportunity presented itself, yes, I would. That would be a little awkward, considering that I showed physical attraction to him, but if it would make people happy, then I was willing to put personal awkwardness aside.

"I would be glad to be friends with him, if he would let me."

Mokuba-kun beamed. It made me feel a lot better about myself.

We arrived back at the house. Everything had calmed down and breakfast was over. Mokuba-kun gave the money to her, and he explained that she had given them more than was needed. When we made it back to the room, he sent his brother a smile that would be difficult to notice if you weren't looking for it.

Another subject was brought to mind: as of yet, Kaiba-kun was the only person I felt attraction to; not to Jounouchi-kun, not to Honda-kun. Kaiba-kun was the one who showed me this… strange other side of himself. I still did not like him in the sense of konomu, to like on a romantic level, but I felt something odd when we talked. Could it be that I really did want him as a friend?

Perhaps.

But English was still a messed up language.


Bonkotsu duelist: Another nickname Seto has for Jounouchi. It means, "average" or "mediocre" duelist.

Ano: There are (at least) two different meanings. In this case, it is kind of… to stall. I notice that manga translators like translating it to, "that is to say…" which makes sense, because 'ano' also translated to 'that (over there)' when talking about objects or people or whatnot.


(1) May 3rd, Constitution Day, the day in which post-World War 2 constitution was put into effect.

(2) You know, I have no idea what the verb for 'to like as a friend' is in Japanese. I tried finding out, but to no avail. While searching, I was introduced to two verbs: konomu and suku (the verb used to form 'suki'), both of which share the same kanji, and that kanji is used to describe 'like' as romantic terms. I don't know, does anyone know the verb for the friendship like? I mean, tomodachi is for the noun 'friend,' I think.


IGNORE ME, I'M ABOUT TO RANT ABOUT NOTHING!

This fic is bipolar. It changes from having snide commentary to being serious. It reminds me of Violets and Emeralds, except that Ryou is nowhere near as random as my Otogi POV. I want a soda. I reread that, too. It made me want to crawl under a rock. A few months from now, this'll make me want to crawl under a rock. Oh my f---ing nonexistent (I'm an atheist, so I mean no offense!) God, it's almost three years since I posted Yami Ryuu and began Yugioh fics (this note was written 3-08-2005). Ooh, I hear the ice cream man! Alas, no! No ice cream for me! I'm too old to buy from the ice cream man!

Wildwolf: Blasphemer!

Me: …I'm fat! I can't! Prom's coming up! --eyes glow scary-- Must convince Erich to go to prom… f---ing take him myself if I have to. --starts mumbling to self--

Wildwolf: --sigh-- I'm torn between watching X-Files reruns and starting the next chapter. Ah well, c'est la vie.

Me: The Count from Gankutsuou has a better French accent than I'll ever get. Hee, Count of Monte Cristo! -- --is insane now-- (to the tune of I Feel Pretty) I feel shouta, oh, so shouta!

Wildwolf: --hides all underage boys from Chibi… which would, well, be the Yugioh cast, Prince of Tennis, Whistle, etc…-- Watch out, she really like middle school boys!

Me: You make me sound like a sexual predator.

Wildwolf: …you make yourself sound like a sexual predator.

Me: …I feel shouta, oh, so shouta! -- Whee! Time for the next chapter! Or my school reading… (One Hundred Years of Solitude). --not happy--